Everything
Wrong
With
"Guns and Steel" by CrystalFeather0900
Spoilers!
(duh...)
'My name is Ty.'
Narration (1)
There was a clam wind. The moon shone overhead, casting a white glow over the battlefield.
Ok, so, clams are flying in the wind. We went from a guy named Ty to Spongebob. (1)
'I was age seventeen when everything changed.'
Blood was smeared the once emerald grass, and painted the trees and flowers red.
'I didn't know the damage I would cause. And I wish I could have stopped myself.'
I've seen this in every single Enderlox and Werelox story I've read. I'm counting it as a sin since cliche (1)
Two figures stood stock still in the middle of it. One had a pair of broken sunglasses around his neck, panting as he leaned on his while sword for support. He was in bad shape, cuts and bruises covering his entire body. A few drops of blood hit the ground, turning the snow beneath his feet red.
Why is while there? And also, if only a few drops of blood hit the ground, wouldn't that mean that only those single spots of snow would turn red? (2)
'It's too late now though.'
Adam Gontier: It's not to late! It's never too late! (1)
The other had four chains in his hands, a smug look on his face. A pair of green headphones rested on his head. He had barely any scratches on him, and looked to be doing just fine.
How come he ended up so perfectly fine? I know he's some powerful beast of legend, but he's not a healable dragon being. That just makes him feel Mary Sueish and an asshole. Which makes me want to make this guy suffer. (1)
'It's a long story.
But I think you all have the time to hear it.'
Actually I have my son's soccer game, my daughter's graduation, and I'm going to a restaurant, but fuck it, I'll read this. (1)
"Please!" The figure with the white figure shouted, the wind shaking the leaves on the trees. "This isn't you!"
Yes it is, only I'm more aggressive and bloodthirsty. (1)
The second figure smirked, bringing his arm up and throwing it down again. One of the chains followed the direction of his arm, and it slammed next to the spot where the first figure was standing.
Why does he have chains if he's just gonna swing them around and not capture that guy? (1)
'Its time to tell you all what happened.'
"I am just fine!" The second laughed.
Obviously you aren't since you're muttering your friends. Stop trying to act insane god damn it! (1)
'This is the story-'
That '-'trying to build suspense, but really it just annoys me. (1)
"And I would never change!"
Oh yes you will. (1)
'Of how I died.
And how he lived.'
You just ruined the whole story! I thought that guy was gonna die and you live in self-pity with you killing your best friend and living with yourself. (1)
Sin Count: 14 (for the preview)
Sentence: Blood that can grow.
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(This is all for humor! Don't take it too seriously!)