"Prim," I call, opening her door to find her room dark. She is curled under the sheets again, small like I used to remember her being when we were young and nearly starving.
After Dad had died. When Mum had given up. Before I'd learned how to survive.
We are struggling to survive again now.
"Go away Katniss," Prim groans as she rolls over. I am tired of this treatment, of her blatant dismissal. I'd come back to help her, not to get shoved away at every opportunity. No, that's not going to happen.
Stepping into her room, I pad over to the bed until I am lying down behind her, wrapping my body around hers.
"It's going to be alright, Prim. It's not a death sentence anymore – I've done a lot of reading and there are medicines and treatments. You can still do everything you want to – everything, I promise." I pause knowing I can't really promise her everything but refusing to not give her that hope. I run my fingers through her hair; pushing it back from her face in the way our mother used to before she disappeared. "I've found this place. They have resources and people to help. They seem really nice and you can just go and hang out there, meet some people your own age. There's even a young adult night where they get together and do stuff around town. It could be good for you until you're ready to go back to school."
I feel her stiffen in my arms just before pulling away.
"I can't go back to school, Katniss. Are you a fool?" This seemed to always be our deal breaker. She can't even bear the idea of it. I try to hold in my sigh of frustration as she sits up, regarding me. "Have you ever met an HIV positive doctor? Have you ever met someone as stupid as me who's a doctor? No. Because doctor's know better. Doctor's –" Mimicking her, I sit up abruptly and pull her to me until her hands stop trying to push me away.
"Prim! You're not stupid!" I yell and feel my fingers digging into her back. I am desperate for her to understand this.
Though I'd only read half of what I had received from Cinna, I knew that Prim's biggest issue right now wouldn't be the illness. She'd suffer from her own mind and her own anger and I would have to be there for her and combat her own negative thoughts every step of the way.
"I love you Prim, but you're being so thick headed about this. You can do this, I know you can. I know it seems scary, that you're sick and that it doesn't look good right now, but you're the strongest person I know; you've got the heart and the head to fight this disease. Life happens and you need to move forward with it. If it's the last goddamn thing I do in this world I'm going to make sure you live it!" My voice is raw as I say it and I know it's because I'm still coming to terms with the fact that my baby sister is sick.
She knows it too.
"This wasn't supposed to happen, Katniss," she mumbles against me, her body seeming to collapse against my chest as the fighting stops. "I know now it wasn't real, but we were high school fools and it was good while it lasted. He promised that he was safe and everything. That we didn't need condoms because it was fine and there wasn't anyone else for him. I was so stupid to believe him. I'm so ashamed of how stupid I was to think it was okay. I know better," she states, hiccupping as she hides her face. I let my arms wrap around her tighter as she explains how she'd fallen for her first boyfriend hard after I'd left for school. "I didn't even know until he called me to tell me I needed to get checked. Do you know how embarrassing that is to tell people I've been with since then? How horrible that makes me feel?"
"Prim, you didn't know. And you've been safe since then, right?" I question tentatively.
"Yeah, but still. What if? Anything could have happened. And I want to be a doctor, Katniss. That's what I've always wanted and now I can't even face it. Every time I think about it I think about how stupid I must have been to fall for the oldest trick in the book. It's rule number one: wear a condom, protect yourself. It's so preventable and I didn't do it and now I'm sick. It makes me a hypocrite!" she shouts with frustration as I try to understand. I take a moment to gather my thoughts, careful of what I say next.
"Can you listen to me for just a minute? Please?" I ask and hold her shoulders until she's able to meet my gaze. "You're not a hypocrite. You made a decision and it was a mistake. But it happens to people all the time and it doesn't make them stupid, or bad, or any less of a person. You can still be what you want to be, it just might be a little bit harder, okay? We'll get through this, you just need to believe we will." She doesn't respond to my words, her face only scrunching up as more tears come and she curls into me again.
I let her cry into my shirt, the frustrated sobs that wrack her body at my words. For the first time since I've come back it seems like she's heard me, that's she's finally realized that I'm here to stay and that we can get through this.
At least, that's what I hope for as I hold her close and try to keep the fears at bay.
It's two weeks before I'm able to convince Prim to go to the centre. Two long weeks of her slowly breaking out of her depression and finally coming around to getting back into life. I know it's not that easy – there's still so far to go – but it's a step I can't help but celebrate.
When we pull up to the curb and I put the car in park, I look over to see her watching out the window with disdain. She's looking at the centre with its barren signage and its cold brick exterior.
"This is the place?" She grumbles, fiddling with her purse in her lap.
"It's much better inside, I promise," I admit and open my door to get out. She slowly follows suit and waits until I'm standing beside her before we head down the sidewalk. "If you want to leave at any time, just say the word and we'll go, okay?" She nods and reaches for the door, surprising me by taking the lead.
Inside, the place is as brightly lit as I remember it but with a few extra decorations that weren't there before. Prim looks on with interest, a small smile playing at her lips as she takes in the feel of the place. My eyes don't leave her face until a familiar voice perks up from behind reception and I look over to see Peeta smiling widely at us.
"You're back! I was starting to give up hope," he states and makes his way out from behind the desk to greet us. "You must be Primrose. I'm Peeta." Prim looks at me with wide eyes, completely ignoring Peeta's outstretched hand.
"You told him about me?" She sneers and I scowl in return.
"I didn't tell him anything apart from your name," I bite back and turn a smile towards Peeta who has lowered his hand after our exchange.
"Well, I'm glad you could make it. Welcome!"
Peeta wastes no time in starting Prim's tour, showing her around the same areas that he first showed me. Prim seems particularly interested in the needle exchange, taking time to ask about its harm reduction studies as I cringe inwardly, still unable to come to terms with the idea. I'm trying to understand it, but it still makes me queasy.
While the two of them make their way around, I move to one of the waiting room chairs and settle in, perfectly okay with waiting at the front and people watching those who come and go. When I hear the now-rare spark of Prim's laughter, my excitement grows and I can't help the smile that lights up my face.
I'm still smiling when Prim and Peeta come back into the reception area and find me sitting with my legs crossed and my hands clasped tightly in my lap. I'm nervous, a little unsure as to whether this suggestion will actually work out for Prim or whether she'll slip back into her depression afterwards. When I look up and see the familiar smile on her lips, I nearly cry at the sight.
"This place is great, Katniss." She is near thrumming with energy as she says it, almost bouncing on her heels. "Peeta here runs the Outings Nights on Thursdays. He said you could come if you wanted; it's not just for those with positive status. Plus, you can hang out here too, if you want."
"Yeah – we welcome anyone from the community. It's incredibly important to have everyone's support system welcome here." Peeta adds as he rests his hands in his pockets. I can't help but notice that he seems at ease as he looks between Prim and I. "Prim mentioned she wanted to look at the books in the back – did you want to come back and hang out for a bit? It's probably more comfortable than these chairs."
I nod and join them in the back lounge area as Prim begins rifling through the bookcases and chatting openly with a woman wearing very few clothes for the temperature outside. Settling stiffly down on one of the checkered couches, Peeta joins me sitting in the opposite corner. I can't help but notice the way he watches me with an intensity that I can't quite place. I'm just about to ask him about it when he breaks the silence and seemingly snaps out of his gaze.
"We have volunteer training nights – if you wanted to participate in one. They help with a lot of the big questions and the issues that some people struggle with." Peeta states, always watching Prim out of the corner of his eye.
"I'm not struggling with anything," I reply brusquely and shift my body slightly away from him, only a little bit offended that he'd think I needed some information session. I feel him more than hear him shift a little closer.
"I'm not saying that. I'm saying it's there – if you want it. People say it helps. Especially-" I cut him off, not wanting to hear about my inadequacies anymore.
"What's that?" I ask instead, motioning towards the large fabric design on the wall. Next to me Peeta sucks in a breath.
"That's our part of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. Do you know what that is?" He asks quietly, getting to his feet and walking over to where it's fastened to the wall. I follow him slowly, curious and a little drawn to him.
"I think so?" I say questioningly, hoping he'll explain as I draw my finger along the design. He doesn't disappoint.
"It started in San Francisco. There are literally thousands of these pieces in some storage room somewhere and sometimes they display them all at the same time. Covered the National Mall in Washington once. It's to memorialize and celebrate those who've died in some way or another because of AIDS." Peeta recites almost reverently.
"That's beautiful," I whisper quietly and observe the multiple panels stitched together, each with their own design.
"There's still a lot of beauty in this world." Peeta adds more quietly and when I look at him, he's staring at me with a look that makes the blood pound in my ears.
"Yo, Peet!" The voice calls out from the front of the office and a tall man with copper hair pokes his head down the hallway. "What's up?" He calls out and steps into the room. Seemingly hesitant that he's interrupting, the man pauses and looks between Prim and I. It just registers that my cheeks are flaming from the incident before and so I look away as Peeta steps towards the man.
"Finnick, awesome that you're here. This is Prim, and her sister Katniss." Peeta introduces us and Finnick bounds into the room to shake both of our hands. He smiles widely and I'd bet he'd waggle his eyebrows if this were any place other than the centre.
"Ladies, pleasure to meet you. Will we be seeing you around?" Finnick asks, rubbing his hands together.
"Probably. Katniss, Prim – this is Finnick. He's one of the outreach volunteers for the centre. He handles public relations and booths when we're called out to resource fairs and stuff. You'll probably see him around more than you'd like," Peeta jokes and Finnick turns and punches him lightly in the ribs.
"Hey – don't give them a bad impression already!" He bemoans and turns back to face us. "If you don't mind, I'm going to steal this guy here for a moment? Centre business to sort out," Finnick announces and pulls Peeta into one of the offices off the hallway. I can somewhat hear the hushed voices from inside the room before Prim declares that she's found what she's looking for and that she's ready to go.
We don't wait around to say goodbye before we step out the door to go and get some lunch.
AN: Another huge crazy big thanks to Opaque who's helping me with beta'ing this story. Trust me when I say that she's making it ten times better than it was. Updates will come as they come, I'm dealing with a crazy cold right now and two jobs so I'm trying to juggle everything but if you want to come hang out, I'm lollercakesff on Tumblr! Much love.