I get my first collections call on Monday. The woman on the other end is rude and abrupt, threatening me with legal action if I don't get my payment into them by the end of the week. I try to remain calm, promising her that I'll work something out, but when I click the 'end' button I have to leave my station and end up hiding out in the washroom for twenty minutes while I try not to cry.
At lunch I call up Haymitch directly, hoping to at least get his voicemail before being forwarded to the main desk where Peeta might be working today if he's back at the center like I hope. The phone rings four times before Peeta's voice fills the line and I stutter before clicking the 'end' button again.
It isn't that I don't want to talk to him – I'm glad he's back and I actually really want to speak to him – it's just that I don't want him to know why I'm calling looking for Haymitch in the middle of the day. The fact that we're drowning in medical bills is embarrassing and I don't want him to know that.
When my phone rings five minutes later though, I stare down at the familiar number and suck in a breath before picking it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Katniss, it's Peeta – look, I feel weird asking – but did you just hang up on me?" Peeta laughs on the other end of the line, his tone light and friendly and so different from the week before.
"Ugh – yes, how did you know?" I ask with a huff of breath knowing I can't be bothered to lie.
"Prim may or may not have given me your number at bowling. I haven't had the guts to call you yet though, so I'm sorry about that. I guess I can get over that now a little..." He laughs lightly, the strain in his voice evident at his admission. "Alright – " he clears his throat – "What can we do for you?"
"Well," I start, promising to speak to Prim later about this. And maybe get Peeta's number sometime too. "I was trying to reach Haymitch, actually, but he always puts his forward to the desk instead of his voicemail."
"Oh, he's out on an extended lunch. Is there something I can help with? I mean, I guess I can now say I've been around the bend a few times..." At his words I feel my shoulders tense up minutely and I have to bite my lip.
"No – uh, no, it's okay. Can you just let him know I called please?" On the other end I hear him shuffle some papers before he reads the note he's writing out aloud.
"Sound good?"
"Yeah, that's great. Hey – you're back at the center, how's that going?" I try to distract him, secretly hoping he'll take the bait while also shooting a glance towards the clock on my desk noting I still have a few minutes left to kill before my lunch break is over.
"It's good. I'm glad I came back; it's helping me keep busy instead of being lame in my apartment all day. Plus, Finnick is practicing for his annual 'Safe Booty' chat and that's always entertaining. How are you doing?"
"Oh you know, working for the man, makin' the money honey." I try not to snort at my own embarrassing phrasing as my cheeks burn. "What's this 'Safe Booty' thing? Do I need to be worried?" He laughs and clears his throat, my shoulders instantly relaxing at the sound.
"It's the biggest safe sex night of the year. Finnick likes to really get into the pirate theme with it so we call it the 'Safe Booty'. You should stop by for it – plenty of things to learn and you might get a laugh out of it at least. Him and Annie are 'sexperts', I guess. On a side note, do you, uh, maybe want to make up for that lunch I bailed on?" he asks tentatively. I can hear the nervousness in his voice and I can't help but smile.
"I'd really like that. I need to get back to work right now but I'll talk to you soon, okay?" I add, hoping he believes me when I say I need to get back to work and not that I'm trying to avoid him or more conversations about 'Safe Booty'.
"Alright, got it. Have a good afternoon and I'll let Haymitch know you were looking for him."
With that, the phone clicks dead and I slump into my chair, staring at my computer screen and the files I need to deal with this afternoon while trying not to get distracted by the ideas of sex that have seemingly wormed their way into my consciousness.
:::
"Katniss? Katniss Everdeen?" The familiar voice washes over me as I leave the centre Wednesday morning before my shift. I'd stopped by in hopes of catching Haymitch who still hasn't returned my call. Turning, I catch sight of our landlord Alma Coin, a nosy woman who's always felt the need to pry into our lives since Mum left.
"Mrs Coin, how are you?" I greet falsely, my smile tight.
"Oh, dear, I'm fine. I guess I should be asking you the same – how are you doing? I hope you're not fraternizing with the likes of those people," she eyes me carefully, her gaze flicking between myself and the centre behind me. The look she gives me makes my skin crawl and I suddenly feel the need to get out of here quickly.
"I'm good – but you'll have to excuse me I need to get to work." I move to leave, barely concealing my anger at her reference to the centre, but feel her hand on my shoulder gripping tightly before quickly falling away.
"Katniss, is there – " She tries but I cut her off.
"Sorry Mrs Coin, I really need to be getting to work!"
"Yes, of course. Rent is due this week so I won't get in your way."
Her words haunt me all the way to work. I'd forgotten about rent, too caught up in making the collector payment. The day seems to creep by slowly, my temp job not keeping my mind fully occupied against the barrage of worries that are plaguing me.
I spend my lunch looking at new apartments online, desperate to find somewhere with two bedrooms at a more affordable price. The city seems to come up with very few choices, the rooms are staggeringly small and overpriced or in the subsidized housing category that I still don't have access to. The whole thing leaves me frustrated, bitter and exceedingly more anxious as the day wears on.
When I get home later that evening Prim is already home scrambling some eggs and burning toast for dinner. She smiles at me brightly though I make note of how her colour is slightly off.
"You feeling okay Ducky?" I call, dropping my shoes next to the door and then moving towards the small kitchen table.
"Just tired is all. How about you? How was your day?" She hands me a plate of toast and scoops some eggs onto it, turning back to wash her hands for probably the hundredth time today as she follows doctors orders. Biting my lip, I hesitate to say more, nervous about pushing her to remember what Cinna said about getting her immune system back on track by exercising and eating better. I don't want to stress her, not really, I just want to help her keep track of the hundreds of little things she now has to work on. But in my head the words never come out right.
I know she's been going to the centre often, getting counselling from Effie about adjustment strategies and the like. She's also tried to start running, though half the time she tells me it turns into taking walks because she still feels a little 'rough around the edges'. I admire her dedication to getting well and her strength to keep moving, but I can't dismiss the fact that she's struggling to eat properly since I can barely afford vegetables to go on the table.
The last thing I want to do is stress her out by adding money issues into her growing list of changes or make her feel like she's not doing enough. She is, she does, when she wakes up every morning and continues to be Prim.
Putting those thoughts to the back of my mind I slip into my chair and try to settle the tension in my shoulders. The day has been long and stressful and I'm ready to just pack it in and go to bed early but the stack of mail on the coffee table needs to be taken care of first.
The thought of it makes the butterflies of anxiety flutter in my stomach and I know I won't be able to eat my dinner if I don't tell Prim what's going on.
I can't hide this from her anymore.
"Um, okay. Prim – " I waver, picking at my bread nervously. Joining me at the table her smile tightens at my hesitation. "I think we need to find another apartment." It blurts out of me in a rush, my cheeks flaming with shame.
For a long while, we sit in silence and eat our meal. Neither of us broaches the topic until we're clearing the table of dirty dishes.
"I'm sorry," I start slowly. Prim catches my free hand and grips it hard as I add soap to the dishwater.
"You don't have to apologize, Katniss. I know you're trying and I'm the one who should be apologizing – I'm sorry for everything. I should be getting a job now that I'm starting to feel better. Or I should be trying to contribute somehow because this isn't fair for you. You came back here to this stupid mess that I created and now everything has stopped for you – all your schooling and how hard you worked to get free of this place and now you're suffering all because of me. I feel so stupid and horrible. If I'd just been smarter about things, if I'd – "
"Stop it, Prim!" I order, setting the soap down harshly on the counter forcing little bubbles into the air. I can't look at her, not while whimpers are escaping her and reminding me that this is all too much stress for her right now. She shouldn't have to deal with this – all she needs to focus on is getting her white blood cell numbers up and getting the virus under control. "Don't worry about it – I'll make it work. I promise. I just wanted to let you know where we stand, alright? You don't need to get a job – I'll handle it."
"Katniss, please don't keep this all inside. How bad is it really? You can't do it alone - let me do something at least." Her arms wrap around me tightly, squeezing my waist. "I love you so much. I don't want to be something you come to hate because of this." Her tears begin to soak my shirt as she clings to me, voicing her fears that I'll hate her, or worse, be like Mum and abandon her. Instinctively, my arms come to wrap tightly around her, my hands holding her to me. I can't bear the thought of her thinking like this – that I'll leave or even hate her.
Flashing back to the first year after Mum left I shudder. Prim was a wreck, her grades slipping and the light fading from her eyes as we struggled month after month. When I finally confronted her over a pack of cigarettes I found in her bag one day she broke down, her mouth spilling forth the secrets she'd kept inside about how she believed Mum had left because of her and how she wasn't good enough to be loved. It had broken my heart, through and through, and we'd cried together for the mother that had left us.
Now that feeling was back, I was sure of it, and Prim was once again feeling the brunt of Mum's abandonment.
"I won't ever leave you. I promise times a thousand. But maybe you need to talk to Effie about this – remember how bad it got before? I don't want you to feel like that again. Okay?" I soothe calmly, trying to remind her that I'm here but so ill-equipped to deal with this real issue. Before, we had no option and I had to be her person. Now she can reach out to someone who knows more and can really help her through this. At least I hope that's how it works. "Just, let me take care of the money thing for now, alright? If it gets really bad, then we'll deal with it. But for now, we're okay." Trying to reassure her I rub her back soothingly, listening for the decrease in her gasps of breath and the calmness that seems to bloom within her.
"Will you tell me before it gets too bad?" she whispers quietly after a moment. I nod my head, my hands pulling her back away from me so that I can meet her red-rimmed eyes.
"I will. We're in this together, alright?" Nodding, she sucks in a deep breath and forces a smile to her lips.
"I can at least do the dishes then. You go lay down, you look like shit," she laughs, shooing me from the kitchen. I don't fight it, instead picking up the mail and retreating to my room to read it in private.
AN: So if you're not following me on Tumblr, or if you missed it, you probably didn't get the memo that I'm off work for the next while. This means I'm basically going to be doing... something that I haven't figured out yet. But there's a good possibility it will involve writing and setting up my desk as an actual writing space. I hope this means good things for us both, if you want to come find me I'm lollercakesff on Tumblr. Come join, we can be friends. Again, big thanks to Opaque who has been amazing in getting me through this and making this story better.