"Katniss, there's only one room," Prim states carefully, coming back from the hallway of the small apartment we are touring. I'd decided after meeting with Haymitch a week ago about our financial situation that the move had to be made immediately.
The meeting hadn't been positive. Haymitch had maintained that we were still on the lists that we needed to be on but it wasn't uncommon for these things to take time.
"Are you sure there's no other way for you to get funding, Katniss? It won't be four months before Prim's ARVs start breaking the bank – with an income just under three-thousand a month and the cost at 1.5 thousand for the pills you're going to run out of cash or have to trade in something," Haymitch reminds me again, sitting back in his creaking chair and wrapping his hands across his stomach. I dig my toe into the floor, hesitant.
"Remember the school money?" I ask with my eyes on the floor. Haymitch grunts in acknowledgement. We've been here before – the first time we'd met to talk about finances he'd suggested we use the money first to handle the transition. I'd told him that it was absolutely not an option and that we needed to find another way so that Prim would be able to go to school worry-free when we were settled. "I think we need to use it."
"Are you sure?" He asks and leans forward in his chair. I nod my head slowly. "It won't be enough in the long run. You know that, right?"I nod again and grip my knees.
"We'll use it when we need it. There's not much left anyways, maybe ten. We still need to make some real changes," I admit.
"You will. You need to do what you have to do to stay alive."
The meeting had finished with a new budget being drawn up with Haymitch's help and a few suggestions on how to shop more efficiently for nutritious food so that we weren't eating eggs every day. Afterwards, I'd returned home and quickly paid our last rent, giving notice to Coin who hadn't even blinked at me.
"I knew something was going on with you and yours, Everdeen," she scowled, lifting a brow. "The day I saw you at that place I knew something was up. Good – I'll waive the sixty day notice as long as you take your filth elsewhere and save me the trouble of an eviction."
Furious, I opened my mouth to lay into her about her discriminatory words but she simply closed the door in my face with a swift crack. I jumped, surprised and jarred by her behaviour, breathing heavily to try and calm myself down before heading back upstairs.
Now we are out hunting, my off hours filled with appointments to look at places that are cheap as dirt but still close enough that I can get to work without my car.
I'd had to sell that too, to pay off the first round of collections and catch up on my bills. It had been hard – that car had been the one part of my life that had been reliable and easy – but it would have happened eventually.
In fact, the only upside of my month had been being able to put a hold on my student loan payments and even have them reduced a little through government applications. Finally some of that paperwork had come through on my behalf and helped us out.
It wasn't enough though, not to keep on going.
So now here we stand, touring small apartments where we can make it work through sheer determination and by the skin of our teeth. Today's stop is in the rougher part of town, not too far from Peeta's apartment. A one bedroom place with a large enough main room and kitchen that I can setup a privacy blind with a pull out couch for myself.
Most importantly, it would cut our rent payments significantly and the landlord doesn't seem too involved in his tenants like nosy Coin had been.
"Security deposit and first are due – if you don't damage the place when you leave it counts as the last payment. No pets, no drugs. Them's the rules. How about it?" the man asks gruffly, his thick hands scratching at his patchy beard. I try to ignore the stained undershirt he wears and the faint smell of sweat that clings to him.
"I think we'll take it," I reply simply, clenching my hands together anxiously.
The apartment is far from perfect. A single bedroom and a tiny bathroom without a tub, it barely fits one person let alone two, but I know that we need to save desperately on rent if we are going to get ahead on any payments. With that in mind, I turn a blind eye to the chipped paint and the less than clean kitchen and sign the lease agreement with Prim nervously clucking over my shoulder.
"See you around, little lady," he mumbles and hands us a set of keys with our apartment number on it.
"Welcome home," skitters past my lips as I smile tightly. Knowing me too well, Prim pulls me tight against her and reassures me that we will get through this. I nod hazily into her shoulder and hold back my tears.
"We'll just have to get some plant life in here," she adds once I finally pull away. The laugh sputters out of me and I nod before looking around once more.
This is it. This is the next few years of our lives as we struggle to get things under control. I'd never thought this would be what I was doing with my life – moving into terrible housing and struggling to pay my bills. I'd been here before, after mom left, but I'd worked so hard – we'd worked so hard – to get out of that situation. And now here we are again, back on the bottom rung and barely hanging on.
"Who's going to help us move?" Prim asks as we make our way down the flights of stairs to the street. In all honesty I hadn't really even thought of it before but now the idea just annoys me. We have furniture to move, bed frames and dressers, and I have to get a pull-out couch from somewhere. Prim won't be much help – her energy levels were still too unpredictable to be moving heavy objects.
I can't help the sigh that escapes me at the realization that this is just another barrier we have to overcome.
:::
"Are you kidding me? What the hell is this?" Johanna barks out a laugh, her hand withdrawing from a box holding a life-sized version of a purple duck. Around me, Prim begins to giggle and Gale lets forth a snort.
Prim has been amazing throughout the move, using her charm to talk people into helping or letting us borrow stuff for moving on our last day of the lease. We'd decided to hold out until the last minute, enjoying the two bedroom apartment for as long as we could before we had to leave. She'd even talked Gale into helping us despite how he and I still barely spoke since I'd come back from out west.
"That's Katniss'!" Prim shouts, setting down her own box and flopping onto the pull-out couch we'd traded in for at the centre. "I made it for her in my 8th grade in art class."
"Why do you still even have that?" Gale asks as he takes it from Johanna's grip and marvels at the ugly duck. He waves it playfully in her face, quacking noises erupting from him as Johanna pushes him away lightly.
"Get lost, Hawthorne," she crows. The moment seems familiar, playful and light, so different from the Gale I remember from before my move out west. I can't help but wonder what's going on, if anything, between these two and how I missed it before. Frowning, I yank the duck from his hands and hold it to my chest protectively.
"It's important to me, don't mock it," I sigh and turn into the kitchen to hide. This whole week has been stressful, packing and carrying everything, getting a rental truck and finding new furniture that will fit in the new place, not to mention selling off all of the stuff we couldn't bring. It wasn't even five o'clock yet and though Finnick and Annie had already left, I was tired and looking forward to this all being over so I could get some much needed sleep.
"I think it's sweet that you kept it," a smooth voice states from the doorway. Immediately my skin grows hot as I move to face Peeta's wide grin. "I wish I had something my brothers made me to hold on to. But, it probably would have been a phallic symbol or something."
The laughter bubbles out of me instinctively, my scowl disappearing. He always seems to make me do that, I think to myself fondly.
"Thanks. It's so ugly though, I could have easily ditched it and she'd never have known," I joke and set it on the counter as Peeta joins me.
"You could have, sure, but doesn't everyone need a hideous duck to keep them company?" He pauses, looking back out to the front room where Gale and Johanna are digging through more mementos and laughing about them. "They're really getting on well, aren't they?" We both turn to watch our friends interact, their hands playful as they bat at each other.
"Yeah, looks that way," I agree as I purse my lips, unsure of how I feel about the two of them together.
"Want me to order the pizza? I think everyone out there is getting a bit hungry now..." Peeta starts, breaking into my thoughts and thankfully changing the subject as though he can sense my discomfort at the thought. I nod and head towards a set of boxes where I swore I'd packed my wallet. Thankfully, it isn't too far down and I pull it out easily, handing him the cash. Smiling, he waves it off while still talking into his phone and repeating back his credit card details for payment.
"I was going to pay for it," I note indignantly once he's hung up. I could have afforded it, hell, that's how they'd been lured over here to help us move in the first place' I was sure of it. So what if I'd had to work a few extra hours to make it happen?
"Don't worry about it Katniss, I got it. Consider it a housewarming gift if you have to." His smile forces one of my own to my lips and I relent, thankful that I can use that money for groceries this week instead. "Now, how about we go and try to clear off something to eat on before Johanna starts digging through your clothes boxes?" Reaching out his hand, I take it lightly and follow him back into the front room. The moment seems surreal, my skin touching his without any hesitancy or restraint. It seems so normal, so unlike him.
So amazing.
"Pizza is on its way, fiends. Now, mission 'locate dining table' must commence and then we're home free," Peeta calls to the room, taking command and setting everyone in motion. It doesn't take long before many of the boxes are moved, not only off the table, but placed in their respective areas for Prim and I to unpack later. The quickness of it surprises me, but then I remember that we don't have many things to our name anymore.
When the food arrives a little while later and we all settle down to eat, I make a point to thank everyone for their help. Around the table Johanna laughs into her slice while Gale tells me not to mention it but I know I can't thank them enough. Without their help this would have been a monstrous task and I know I can't handle the stress right now.
Nibbling at the edge of my piece, I ignore the anxiety that bubbles in my gut from the weeks that lay ahead. In no time I would be looking at bills again, possibly collectors, with no end in sight.
I didn't have the stomach to eat anymore.
"Hey – you okay?" Peeta asks me softly, breaking into my thoughts. It's then I realize he must have been watching me without my notice. I smile slightly, likely more of a grimace, and nod.
"I'm good. No worries," I reply. Peeta grips my shoulder quickly, a sign of quiet support, before turning back to his conversation with Prim. Across the table I catch sight of Gale's gaze on me, his eyebrow cocked as he half pretends to listen to Johanna's boisterous words.
He knows I'm faking my smile. Giving me a small nod, he turns back to Johanna and the moment passes leaving me to pick at my pizza alone.
"Alright my pretties," Johanna breaks into my thoughts a few minutes later. "I've got other plans that don't involve lugging shit around so I'm going to head out. Cool?" she asks, moving abruptly from the table with a second slice already halfway down her throat. Peeta gives a wave and Gale surprises me by getting to his feet as well.
"I'm going to head out too, got some things to sort out at home before tomorrow. See you two in a few and call if you need anything?" I nod in his direction, acknowledging that I'll call him if I need to, and watch as they both pull on their coats, casually joking about something under their breaths until the door closes behind them leaving my stomach to turn uncertainly.
"Well, looks like someone is getting some tonight," Prim pipes up a moment later, hiding her face in her slice.
"Excuse me?" the confusion and surprise at her words springing forth from me while Peeta tries to cover a sputtering laugh beside me. It doesn't work and soon they're laughing into their food and trying not to make jokes about Gale and Johanna hooking up.
I try to laugh too, but the idea of it only adds to what I'm feeling and it sits on me like a rock for the rest of dinner.
Later, after Prim retreats to her room to begin unpacking, Peeta and I find ourselves sitting on opposite ends of the old couch looking out over the scattered boxes that now make up my bedroom.
"You know, maybe they'd be good together?" Peeta starts, breaking the quiet that surrounds us. I shoot him a look, my eyebrows furrowed as he brings the joking from earlier back with a touch more sincerity. "I mean, Jo has had it hard these last few years. Gale could be good for her, give her something to mess around with and keep her busy. I've met him a couple times when he's come to get Prim at the centre, he seems nice enough and god knows Jo could use someone with a brain for a change."
"Prim brought him to Posi+ive?" I ask carefully, the news coming as a surprise. I hadn't realized Gale had been involved that much in Prim's life. I didn't realize I cared, until now.
"Yeah, they go out for lunch sometimes I guess. I think Jo went with them last week? I don't know – I'm usually going when they're coming in but it seems like there might be something there," Peeta adds, his eyes watching me as though he can sense the spinning thoughts in my head. I don't know whether I'm upset because Gale is spending time with Prim and no one told me or if it's because I didn't know any of this at all. It hadn't even occurred to me, not even when everyone had seemed to get along so well all afternoon without any prompting – I hadn't even realized how strange that was until now. Wrapping my hands in my lap I frown, my lips pursed before the first thing that comes to my spills from my lips.
"But, how does that work if she's positive and he's not? They can't just roll into bed-it's not safe and – " My mouth snaps shut as the horrible words spill past my lips, so much worse now that I realize what I've just said and how they voice something hurtful and alienating. They're the same ones I'd feared spilling forth the first time Prim had brought up sex a few months ago. They'd come again before I'd thought them through, an instinctive reaction to my discomfort about Gale and before I'd really even considered my assumptions and how – oh god. I feel my cheeks blaze and when I meet Peeta's gaze I realize he's frowning deeply.
"I'm sorry – would you like to finish that sentence or should I just go now?" he asks after a moment, lips tight and his expression a clear sign of hurt. No words come to me – nothing that could salvage me right now. I'd basically claimed that whatever we are doing – whatever Peeta and I are edging at – is impossible. That people with HIV could never be in relationships with anyone else.
I hate myself in this moment.
"I think it's best I go." Another moment passes and Peeta gets to his feet, stepping quickly towards the table to grab his jacket and make a getaway.
"Peeta wait!" I gasp, shooting up from the couch. "I didn't mean that – I didn't – I'm sorry! It came out wrong!"
"Wrong? Katniss, it came out wrong?" He turns to me then, pulling on his coat with unnecessary force. "I know you're new to this, but Jesus Katniss do you even realize what you just said?" My mouth moves but nothing comes out.
I know it's wrong – but how do I save this? I don't – I don't even know what to do.
"I'm sorry! What more can I say?" I try weakly while he slips on his shoes.
"You can try to not make assumptions about people, Katniss, and about what choices they want to make for themselves." Pulling open the door he steps into the hallway and pauses, surprising me by turning back to face me. "And Jo isn't even positive. She works at Posi+ive because her sister went there a long time ago."
With that unsettling truth sealing my judgement in Peeta's eyes, he closes the door with a snap and disappears. I stand there shocked, appalled at myself and the way I've casually made a good afternoon into a nightmare. I couldn't have made it worse – not with whatever we were doing or whatever the cards had ahead for us.
But then, with what I'd said, with the implication that I believed HIV positive people should never be with non-infected people, I'd voiced something that I must be feeling or else I wouldn't have said it. Would I have? Do I believe that? What is wrong with me?
Rubbing my face with my hands anxiously I try to figure out the tangled web in my mind.
"You know, the walls are pretty thin here." Prim's voice startles me and I turn, my arms instinctively wrapping around my middle. Her posture is closed, her face hard, as she stares me down. I know in that moment that she heard me and that she too believes what I've said.
"Prim," I try weakly, stepping towards her. She steps back and shakes her head, looking anywhere but at me as I recognize the frustrated tears blossoming on her cheeks.
"You don't need to say it. I get it." Moving back into her room, I watch her own door slam without another word said.
I don't know how long I stand in the middle of our new horrible apartment, trying not to cry as I realize I've burned two very strong bridges in a matter of moments.
AN: So it's kind of a funny story how incapable I am of getting things done when I have nothing to do. I'm absolutely the worst at it and apparently I'll now be off until at least mid-May. This definitely is stressing me out more but I'm going to try to focus on the things I like like writing, so hey, here's hoping. Thank you to all you lovely people who keep reading and reviewing and just stopping by, I love you guys.