I spend the next week getting the silent treatment from Prim who mostly hides out in her room when I'm home. I don't go to the centre, too afraid of what might happen if I were to run into Peeta face to face.
We haven't talked since I shoved my foot down my throat and it's killing me inside.
Whenever I'm not at work and not expected home, I've slipped over to the library to read up on what I now know are 'magnetic relationships'. The information I've found online has opened my mind to the possibilities out there and increased my awareness of what I knew was possible, but had misjudged before without even realizing.
Before, I'd been stuck in the stigmatized fear that the 1980s had bled into the world with the onset of AIDS. Despite what Cinna had been saying to Prim and I, I hadn't really thought the future could be bright. For me, my nightmares involved Prim lying with lesions all over her body in a hospital bed, fading away like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. And while sometimes my nightmares still featured that image, I knew logically it wasn't likely for her. People with HIV now lived longer, healthier lives than ever before and Prim would have that or so help me...
My reading had also greatly informed me on the transmission of HIV that I hadn't truly understood before. In all honesty I'd thought sex with an HIV positive person would be like walking into fire; a person was bound to get burned. The night I'd made those awful comments, I had not only been expressing my difficulties seeing Gale with someone else, but I'd also been certain he was putting himself in harm's way and that hadn't sat right for my childhood friend. Now I know better – with undetectable viral counts and proper safety measures, sex is really not high risk at all. Even when people have high viral counts, though this increases the risk of transmission, it still doesn't guarantee anything. Before I'd just been so blind, not even considering the options, not really.
I'd also sorely passed judgement on Johanna that night, assuming her to be infected while not even bothering to really get to know her. Across the board I'd let my fears guide me into a bumbling, hurtful mess of words. Regret was a bitter taste in my mouth.
I just wish it hadn't taken me this long to make the connections for what I'd been thinking.
Now as I sit at the table by myself, chewing mindlessly on the spaghetti that was waiting for me when I came home, I find myself staring at the peeling paint on the wall and thinking over what I'd read earlier that day about the physical side of magnetic relationships. How people with mixed status move their relationships to the next level and become intimate.
I would be lying if I said the idea of it wasn't foreign. Hell, Peeta and I hadn't even made it out to dinner – how could I possibly be thinking about sex at all?
"He barely even lets me touch him..." I mutter to myself, stabbing at the plate with annoyance as I recall the way he often withdraws from physical contact.
It's only when I'm washing up the dishes that it finally clicks in my head. If I don't want something more from Peeta, then what was I even doing thinking about him?
I need to fix this. I need to apologize and make him listen to me. He has to know that I am trying and that I just didn't understand before.
He needed to know I didn't think he was a person any less worthy of love than anyone else.
He needed to know I cared. Even if I couldn't put it into proper words.
Wiping the plates clean with a raggedy towel I dry the dishes and put them away with a clang. Without losing steam, I hustle to my 'room' and push back the privacy curtains I'd hung, pulling on my shoes and grabbing my bag before heading to the door. Yanking it open, I'm caught off guard when my body slams into something solid in front of me, forcing me back a few steps in surprise.
"Woah there," the familiar voice startles, steadying me. I look up to meet Peeta's blue eyes, his expression solemn. "Is this, uh, a bad time?"
My mouth goes dry, words impossible to put together.
"I can come back later. Or, not at all if you prefer. I thought maybe though that um, we should talk? Because of Prim," he adds quickly at the end, as though he needs a reason. I nod my head and step back, allowing him to come into the apartment after me and close the door quietly.
"It's okay. I was just coming to... Nevermind. Look Peeta, I'm – "
"I'm sorry!" he blurts out, interrupting me.
What? My mind spins and I frown.
"Why are you apologizing? I should be apologizing!" I shout reactively, dropping my bag to the ground with a thump.
"No, you don't need to. I get it. You aren't into this and that's okay – I was wrong to assume and react like I did. You don't owe me anything and I wanted to clear the air so that you and Prim can keep coming to Posi+ive without worrying about things. I didn't –"
"Peeta stop!" I blurt, grabbing one of his hands that seems to be flailing about as he rambles on his apology. I try to narrow in on what I want to say first – what I need to address when there are so many things wrong with what he's just said – but I struggle to put it all together without stopping to take a breath.
"Katniss, I'm sorry," he tries again, surprisingly not letting my hand drop as I expect.
"Let's just… take a seat okay?" I offer, pulling out a chair at the table and sliding into it with my hand still awkwardly in his. He joins me seated at the table after a momentary pause, his gaze skirting around the small room before landing solidly on me. "Peeta, I really screwed up the other night. First with thinking what I did about Johanna- and I guess everyone at the centre by default- I was so wrong. I shouldn't have assumed that about her or anyone else, so I'm sorry for that. I'm also really sorry because I black balled something I didn't really understand and I feel terrible about it. I know better now – I've been reading and I think I get it. How it works I mean. I just – I didn't know and I'm sorry if I made you feel like there was something wrong with you or that you are less than anyone else for whatever reason. I never meant to hurt you, or to judge you or Johanna or even Gale. I was being stupid and not thinking about what I was saying. And, I think maybe I was a little hurt that I didn't know how involved Gale was in Prim's life… We have, uh, history..." I mention it awkwardly, my voice unsure and my gaze just over his shoulder.
"Yeah, Prim has mentioned it once or twice. Are you, uh…"
"No!" I shout aloud at the suggestion, waving my hands as I try to speak. "No, I mean, I miss Gale and our friendship, but it's not like that for us anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. I think I just missed how we were and maybe that was part of how I reacted. I don't know – honestly, Peeta, I wanted to apologize to you because, I think, you're important to me? Since coming to the centre you've kind of been the one friend I've met that puts a sane face on all the crazy that this all is. I don't want to lose that."
Frowning, Peeta stares me down, my hands back in his while his thumb absently runs over my knuckles. I can't make out his expression, whether he accepts my apology or not. Or if my jumble of words even makes sense to him. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't get it, or worse, if he doesn't forgive me. I try to remember to keep breathing as I anchor myself in his rare touch.
"Apology accepted," he murmurs after a moment. Letting out a sigh of relief, I place my other hand over our interlinked fingers and hold tightly as I brace myself for what I'm about to say.
"I was actually, you know, just coming over to apologize to you." I state again hesitatingly. I don't know really how to broach what should be said. I'd hoped that when I met him there would be a lot more discussion about how terrible and wrong I was, or maybe I'd thought he would hold it against me still.
"Oh?" He prompts, forcing me to notice I've been tangled in my mind for a moment too long.
Now or never.
"I wanted to say that I was reading up on um-magnetic relationships- and stuff and I thought, maybe we could talk about it sometime? Or maybe, I don't know, you could help me understand it better? I don't totally get how all of it really works apart from what I've read and – I don't know – it all seems so much more medical than I need to understand. I just need some help with the human side of it." Blurting out the confusing string of words I pull my hands away and cover my face as my cheeks flame in embarrassment.
Did I just ask him to explain the human side of sex to me? Oh no. I've never been good with words.
He's taking too long to answer.
I could possibly die from all the blood rushing to my face right now. I can't believe -
His fingers pull my hands away until they're held tightly in his and I'm forced to meet his eyes, surprise blanketing my features. I stare nervously at him, desperate for whatever thoughts are running through his head.
"Katniss, I think I understand. If that's what you want, I would love that. I really would like to see more of you, since I just like being around you. I haven't – I haven't done or um... Been in a relationship – er..." He pauses, lost for words and struggling to put them together. "Katniss, I like you. I want to uh, get to know you better. But you need to know I haven't been in a relationship since my diagnosis and there are things that I still struggle with."
"Oh, uh, well, we don't – "
"No, we don't have to do anything like that – maybe no labels for now," Peeta finishes, interrupting my stumbling words. I take in what he's saying – that we're both seemingly on the same page and that he's willing, eager maybe, to see me more too.
My stomach flips a bit as I take in his words, digesting them while we sit together in silence thinking over taking a big step forward. Up until now we've been friends, friends with a draw to each other, friends who hold hands when he'll permit. Can we really do anything more? What is something more?
"Oh just give it a try already!" Prim's shout interrupts our thoughts from behind her bedroom door. Cocking my eyebrow at Peeta he smiles sheepishly at me and shrugs.
"So, we're okay then?" I ask lowly.
"I want you to be sure about this, okay? How about we go to 'Safe Booty' tomorrow night, then you can come over for some dinner and we can talk... in private." He states the last part a little bit louder, purposely, I think, for Prim's prying ears to overhear.
"She'll be there!" Prim shouts, confirming our thoughts and causing us to laugh together giddily as the nervousness from before seems to pass. Together we relish the moment, clearly relieved at having made amends and taken a step towards something unknown for us both.
Later, after Peeta leaves, I knock on Prim's door and wait for her permission to enter. When I step inside her tiny room I stick to the wall, careful to tread lightly in the aftermath of this week and the cautious way we've been handling each other.
"I talked to Effie today," Prim starts slowly, her fingers picking at her bedspread as she avoids eye contact. I wait for her to continue, unsure of where she's going with this. "She reminded me that I could have made that same comment a year ago and not even thought otherwise about it. She said it's easy to get pissed off but that it's hard to keep people around if you're always getting angry at them. She told me about how when she transitioned, it was really difficult for her to keep the friends she knew when she was Evan, so perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to turn my back on you because you've stuck by me. Plus, you know, you're my sister." We both laugh awkwardly at that, recognizing that this is something we'll have to get through together.
Wait, Effie was Evan? I try not to let myself get distracted by that little piece of information. I shift, looking at my sister and her blonde hair and blue eyes, so unlike my own features but still my flesh and blood.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Prim," I state evenly, trying to focus my attention on her. She looks up then, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.
"You didn't hurt them, really. I think I was just disappointed that you didn't think I could be normal, like everyone else anymore," she counters and I get it, I let her down in that moment. After all the walls we'd broken down with her coming to terms with her disease, I'd reminded her that people would still judge and stereotype her, and worse, I'd been one of them.
"I'm trying hard." And I am, really. Taking a step closer to the bed I motion permission to sit down before joining her and tucking my feet under me. "Why didn't you tell me that you and Gale were hanging out so much?" I question lamely, a little hurt myself as I remember that there's a whole other part of Prim's life that I seem to know nothing about.
"Well, you didn't really seem to be happy to see him when you came back. I figured maybe it was best not to say anything until things were less crazy? I don't want to lose him though, Katniss, he's been like my brother since we were kids. You have to understand that, right?" I nod realizing that Prim is right; Gale has been there for her too.
"You still could have told me. It's okay. I just was confused because there was this whole other part of your guys' life that I didn't know about... And I guess I thought we told each other everything, you know?" I try not to sound like a child as I confess my hurt for being left out. When I look up, Prim is smiling sadly at me.
"I'm sorry I made you feel like that, I didn't mean to. It's just that life changed when you went out west, Katniss. Gale and I became good friends when Rory went off to school and we were kind of, I don't know, here and looking for family. He helped when you weren't able to." She shrugs and the tension seems to thicken as our apologies hang in the air.
After a moment, I nod understandingly. "Are we going to be okay?" I ask hesitantly. Prim nods, taking my hand in her own.
"We are. Plus, I heard what Peeta said to you! You're going on a date after 'Safe Booty'!" Her smile brightens the room as she says it, forcing me to blush ridiculously.
"We are not. Its just dinner between friends and can we not talk about Peeta? How about we talk about Effie? Evan?" I start, bringing back her passing comment.
"Oh! You didn't know! Well, you'll have to talk to her about it; she's got a really interesting story if you can get past the overwhelming amount of pink. Katniss, you should come by more often and talk to these people, they're amazing!" I let Prim gush about the centre some more, listening to her go on about how they're thinking of training her for paid public awareness campaigns if they can swing the funding, and for the first time in a while, I finally feel at home again.
AN: Sorry all, I'm getting ready for my trip to South East Asia and I'm trying to get all my homework and prep stuff done before I leave so that's taking precedence. If you want to keep up with me on that trip, I'm Travel Cure over on Tumblr. Hope you all love this chapter! Love you guys!