"Arr, don't make me pull out the whip, girlie!" Finnick's voice rings out as we step in the door to the centre and I look up to see him stalking a scantily clad 'wench' down the hallway. All around us the centre has been transformed into a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean with shipwrecked items and under the sea themed paraphernalia popping out from each corner. Knocking my boots at the door, I follow Prim through the colourful crowd of people of all ages to the back area where the lounge has been transformed into what looks like the underbelly of a ship.
A ship filled with sex toys.
I feel my face flame as I take in the sight around me, a host of different vibrators and lube on a round table, Johanna giving lessons on knot tying in the corner, almost too many condoms of the male and female variety in varied bowls on every surface, and even an 'art' station where latex paint and edible body decor is open for testing.
That's where my eyes stop and I find my mouth hanging open.
"Hey Katniss!" Peeta calls out, thanking the girl applying a latex flower to his bicep before getting up and walking over towards us.
Well now, since Prim is busy laughing with Rue over the... beads? Oh dear.
"I'm glad you made it!" Peeta interrupts my thoughts again and pulls me in for a hug that grounds me in the moment. I take in the smell of him and can't help the smile that curls my lips as I settle my nerves.
I can do this. This is perfectly normal. At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself as I stand in the middle of what has now become a stuffy room with too many strangers and the widest variety of sex gadgetry I've ever seen.
"Peet! Bring that fair maiden over here before I make her walk the plank!" Finnick breaks into our moment and Peeta pulls away, grinning widely at me.
"You're good with this, right?" he asks me lowly. I nod and bite my lip before turning to face the party head on. Together, Peeta grabs my hand and holds tight as he starts to move across the room.
"Finn, man, you've gone overboard this year," Peeta laughs as we join him and Annie who stand to the side of the room with a tipsy looking Haymitch.
"You know it! It's the best night of the year and one of the few times we get to actually bring more of the community into the centre. It's fantastic PR and look at me! I'm so delicious you could eat me right up. Isn't that right, Kitty Kat?" He winks suggestively at me and I blush, looking anywhere else but at Finnick. My gaze lands upon Haymitch whose bleary eyes seem to be staring me down, flicking down to my hand clasped in Peeta's and back to me questioningly.
My palms begin to sweat, like I've done something wrong, as I stand under his thinly veiled scrutiny that I don't understand. Frowning, I drop Peeta's hand reflexively and watch as Haymitch lifts a brow.
"Katniss, how are you?" Annie asks, her costume as the scantily clad wench from before catching my attention. I break from my non-verbal discussion with Haymitch to instead focus on her breathy voice as I meet the thin girl's smile and return it carefully, nodding.
"I'm good, settling into the new place slowly," I attempt, hesitant to really get into it with Haymitch's gaze still boring into the side of my head.
"I bet. It seemed like it might be a change – when Finn and I first moved in together I slept on the couch here for three days when I needed to get out of the house. Finnick was feeling like a gutter and it was a tough transition. Things like that are always hard for everyone so just take it in stride. How is Prim doing with it all?" she questions earnestly, stepping forward and blocking out Haymitch, Peeta and Finn with her small frame. I'm able to let out a sigh of relief at her move, recognizing her action of making our conversation separate from theirs and, interestingly, more of an olive branch of friendship.
"She's doing good. Just, you know, all the changes…. We're getting through it," I laugh tightly. Taking my words in stride, Annie seems to pickup on my hesitation and prompts me on how I'm doing with it all. It's the first time anyone has really asked me how I'm doing and I'm stunned. "I'm – uh. Okay, I guess. A bit stressed but getting through. This place has been just – " I pause and look around, my throat momentarily tight. "It's been a lifesaver," I finish.
The conversation pauses for a moment, Annie allowing me to settle myself as she rests a soothing hand on my arm.
"That's what we're here for. Anything you need, you tell us. Anytime. Now, tell me more about what you went to school for." Switching topics, I release my lip from its grip between my teeth and allow myself to easily fall into conversation about my schooling. In no time I find myself talking to Annie about everything, no topic seemingly being held back as she listens to me go on about my desire to have finished my forestry degree before pursuing a scholarship masters program. It's easy and light, so different from any other conversation I've had lately.
"Yo ho ho, the time has come!" Finnick shouts above our conversation, grabbing the room's attention and directing us all to get settled in for his talk. Annie grabs my hand quickly and smiles, patting the back of it softly.
"Let's get coffee sometime. I like talking to you," she whispers and pulls away to join Finnick at the front of the room leaving me standing with Peeta and Haymitch against the wall. Around us, people fill in the extra chairs and the soft couches that fill the space taking every open seat and flat wall to lean against. I watch the room settle into itself, my hands clasped tightly together as Peeta bumps his arm into mine softly.
"Just, remember it's okay to laugh, alright?" he reminds me and I smile in return, nodding.
"Now friends, fiends, shipmates and filthy scoundrels, I know we're all here tonight because of my stunning good looks and impeccable charm – " Finnick starts boastfully, interrupted by a swath of cheers and a few catcalls from the crowd. The mood grows boisterous, laughter filling the air as he walks back and forth in his pirate costume. "But really, what we're going to get down and dirty with tonight is pretty basic – I'm talking about sex. We all do it, we're all a little bit animalistic, we might as well have fun with it. And more importantly, what we're really going to talk about tonight is how to have fun while also making good decisions and being safe."
"And still sexy!" Annie calls out from the side, surprising me slightly as I snort out a laugh. I hadn't pictured her as part of the presentation, even though she is dressed for the part.
"Indeed, my dear, indeed. Now, let's get started from the beginning..." Finnick laughs and flicks off the lights before turning on the projector overhead. The room cheers as the visual of a 1980's safe sex lesson begins to play on the screen at the front of the room.
I find myself watching and laughing, my body easily resting up against Peeta's solid frame as the ten minute video runs itself down. The room around us plays along with the excitement of the moment, a few people adding comments to their own narration that invoke a round of laughter. When the video ends, Finnick returns to the front of the room and asks for the audience to start suggesting ways that people with HIV aren't able to relate to the video they've just seen.
"It didn't talk about us at all," Prim pipes up from her place on a couch in the center of the room.
"It did not – glad you caught that. It didn't really talk about any specific STIs either. What else?"
"It was all P in the V – nothing else! Where's the fun in that?" Thresh adds loudly earning a round of laughter from a few other guys and some girls in the group.
"All true – the video definitely didn't talk about other sexual orientations or how else you can get down. So, that's what we're going to do tonight. Now that you know the basics, we're going to talk about a few different categories of sex. Not everything, surprisingly, is going to be strictly HIV-oriented tonight. I know that seems weird, since that's a big reason why we're all here, but there's more to it and we could all use another refresher. Annie?"
"Let's start with... the transmission pyramid!" She laughs as the crowd groans, obviously familiar with the whiteboard she pulls out enthusiastically. Together, the crowd quickly begins filling out the least likely acts to transmit HIV –biting and kissing, sharing of sex toys and contact with bodily fluids like blood and semen.
Beside me, Peeta shifts slightly and I can sense his tension, my mind easily going back to his incident in the classroom. I realize then that he must have known this already – that maybe he really struggles with worrying about transmitting HIV to others – and I want to remind him that the risk is not real, that he's okay.
"Not now," Haymitch murmurs in my ear, suddenly close to me and reading us like a book. I turn my head towards him slightly, catching the small shake of his head. He knows what I am thinking, and he knows this is something that's unique to Peeta. The puzzle pieces seem to connect together then as I make sense of the interest he'd shown with Peeta and I holding hands.
He knows that this thing we're doing, this relationship, is on rocky ground to start with. And he doesn't like it.
"Of course oral is low transmission, I'm not denying that, but you should still be protected. What about herpes? And have you ever heard of HPV? It's making a huge play right now and it can definitely get you down so using a condom is still important." Prim's voice interrupts my thoughts, turning me back to the discussion that's happening with Marvel who is attempting to debate that oral sex doesn't need protection.
"But come on, what round of luck would we have if we got saddled with HIV and HPV?" Marvel counters, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. I can sense, even from here, that the mood has changed with this comment. That the lightness from before has dissipated and people are considering his words as a blatant disregard to their lives.
"It's not about luck, unfortunately," Finnick intervenes, drawing attention back to himself and away from Marvel. "STIs can sneak up on us and get us into a position where it's harder to take care of ourselves. HIV isn't the only one that's lifelong either. Prim brings up a great point: once you get herpes or HPV its often with you for life. And personally if I were choosing life partners, I'd rather pick, say…Annie. As responsible adults, it's important we take the risks seriously and think about our actions so that we can stay as healthy as possible. Now – tell me – what sex position has the highest risk for HIV transmission? Winner gets this fantastic Astroglide prize!"
"Receptive anal!" Peeta shouts excitedly, making me jump in surprise. The room breaks into laughter as Finnick tosses him the baggy of goodies.
"Well, who knew it would be cute, innocent looking Peeta over there who would usurp all of you. He's right, you know, taking it in the ass is tops for risk. The scale seems to go that if you're the poker, you have less of a transmission risk. If you're the receiver, you get a slightly higher risk. Why anal though?"
"More risk of damage that could open already susceptible membranes, plus lower statistical usage of protection in heterosexual couples due to the lower concern for pregnancy. Overall, more risk factors, more chance." Peeta continues, repeating his knowledge clearly. I see Finnick smile at him widely, nodding as he urges him to continue. "Vaginal intercourse is lower in statistical risk because of a couple of factors. One of the big ones is natural lubricant – there is less tearing and less chance for the virus to find an entry point into the body. Combine that with the higher usage of condoms and it makes vaginal sex statistically less risky. Still a risk, but not the highest risk activity like some people think."
"Correct again, good sir. Now, for those of you who didn't understand a word the guy said – basically, taking it in the butt can do more damage on the inside which can create more openings for transmission. Another thing that makes anal difficult is the fact that your butt, you know, just naturally doesn't have a lot of the lube that makes slip and slide fun. So, condoms and lube are key. Looks like you're already beyond this safe booty, Peet," Finnick finishes, winking at us and then turning his attention back to the group before him. "Now, let's talk about viral loads for a bit." I watch as Finnick gives Annie a tight look, almost apologetic, before he continues on giving the details about viral load testing and its importance.
I listen, intrigued, as he reminds us that understanding viral loads can be confusing. I watch as Annie comes to stand behind him, her hand on his shoulder as he explains in very early infections sometimes HIV screening tests can be negative even when the virus is in the body. However, he clarifies, viral count spikes are pretty predictable, general happening early in the infection or if you miss doses of your meds. That's why, he explains, the goal is to stay on treatment to continue to lower the viral load until it's undetectable.
"But, never does that mean that the virus is truly gone – so don't forget that. The important thing to remember is that undetectable is good, but you still need to be safe. And for all of you non-positive folks out there, be safe too. Detection is only the first step and it can take up to six months for an infection to show in a test. Which just means, don't freak out, you're fine. But?"
"Make safe choices," Annie finishes tightly. I'm so ingrained in the way he's speaking and the strength he's putting into his words, that I barely notice that Peeta is gripping my hand again.
When I do come back to the moment, I can't help but think about Peeta's viral load – how is he doing? Am I even allowed to ask? I ask Prim all the time but that seems different. However, if this thing with Peeta is going somewhere, will he tell me? Do I have a right to know? Will he talk to me about his health? His recovery?
The thoughts seem to become fuzzy in my head as Finnick carries on talking about the alternatives for magnetic couples and how the option of undetectable viral loads and non-condom usage is a possibility but still a risk. When Annie takes over for him and begins talking about the recent advances in Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, or PrEP, she explains, as a way for the HIV negative person to reduce their risk of transmission, I begin to feel lightheaded.
Will Peeta want me to do something like PrEP? The thought makes my breathing come quicker and I have to pull away from him and head outside for some fresh air before I get sick all over my shoes.
I'm only outside for a moment before Peeta's at my side, holding my jacket and purse while standing quietly beside me as I grasp my knees and try to breathe. He lets me take my time, my mind able to begin to catch up in the quiet din of the street before us.
"I understand if you don't want to do dinner..." Peeta states quietly as I pull on my coat after a moment. I bite my lip, internally debating whether I can do this. Whether it's reasonable to give it a chance when I'm not sure if I can handle it.
Can I do this?
I meet his eyes, his crooked smile careful but still there. I remember then the day I first came to Posi+ive and how it had been this man who had chased after me, who had convinced me to face off against what I was internally fighting. He'd given me the strength that day to keep moving forward, even in the wake of Prim's diagnosis and subsequent depression.
He had given me hope then.
I want that now. I want him now, in my life.
"I could use some food," I murmur in response, gently agreeing to whatever it is we're doing. In that moment I know I'm strong enough to at least give this a try. I know it in the warmth that spreads through me at Peeta's brightening smile and through the way my nerves seem to smooth themselves out as his fingers brush the loose strands of hair from my face. It's worth it. He's worth it.
AN: I'm BACK! Yay! Now to get crackalacking on this story!