[Chapter 9: Soul Searching]

'You look very tired today, Olivia. Trouble sleeping?' Dr Jessica Carter said as they were both settling down in their seats.

'Well, I guess you can kinda say that.' Olivia replied as she reached across the couch to retrieve a pillow and bring it to her chest and hug it. 'Um… you know that I went back to work three days ago.'

Dr Carter nodded without saying a word. She knew returning to her job would be difficult for Olivia.

'We caught that case of the missing girls. Apart from Cragen, none of us have been home since they went missing.'

Dr Carter sat forward. This was indeed a difficult situation she would have to give Olivia a lot of support.

'Wow. When did you start on the case?'

'Almost immediately. The morning I went in, my captain spoke to me and said he'd like me to take it slow initially and maybe be on desk duty for a few days. Normally, I would protest but I was quite happy easing back into things. A few hours later we got the call and again initially I was coordinating things from the precinct but by yesterday I found myself back in the field, going to interview our suspects.'

'Ok. Olivia, right now, can you tell me how you are?'

Olivia stayed silent for a moment, tracing the pattern on the pillow with her finger.

'Tired…. The captain said we must all have turns in the crib and when I went for my three hours yesterday… Amanda had to wake me up after two hours because I was….choking in my sleep. She just happened to be walking by when…'

'Another nightmare?'

Olivia just nodded.

'Ok. What else are you feeling?'

Again there was silence.

'Olivia?'

'Helpless. Again. We have two suspects but we can't make them tell us where the girls are.'

'Again?'

'Yes. When he….. had me. I…I mean… he made me do things I didn't want to. I had no control… It was just like all the times before. When I was undercover in the prison and Harris had me in the basement… when I was a kid…'

'You've had it rough, a lot of close calls. What happened when you were a kid?'

'Do we have to go there?'

Olivia, we don't have to, but I think we should.'

'Mom was always drinking, I never knew when she'd be home, what state she would be, whether she would have company, whether there would be food at home or whether she had used the food money for food.'

'Company? Would her 'company' ever try…'

'No,' Olivia interrupted her therapist mid sentence. 'Never sexually, anyways.'

'Olivia, you know sexual abuse is not the only kind of abuse that leaves scars.'

'Physically and verbally.' Olivia said softly.

'Ever told anyone?'

'Never had anyone to tell it to. I mean a teacher at school suspected and she often gave me extra attention, sometimes gave me food to take home which I had to hide from mom other she'd eat it herself. But in those days abuse was never spoken about.'

'How did you cope with your home life?'

'I spent as much time as I could at school or at the library and when I had to go home I hid in my bedroom, slept a lot.… She would leave me alone when I slept. Sometimes I wouldn't see her for days. When I'd leave for school she'd be sleeping it off, and when I returned, well you always knew where to find mom at Happy Hour and she wouldn't be home before 11.'

'If you didn't run into her there would be no abuse, right.'

'Yeah.'

'What did you do for food?'

'Well, we got lunch at school. Sometimes if other kids left part of theirs on the tray…I'd steal it and take it home for dinner…'

'That's a hard life, Olivia.'

Olivia just shrugged her shoulders.

'I did what I had to to get by.'

'And you still are coping alone?'

'You get used to it after awhile.'

'Don't you think your friends want to help you through this latest trauma.'

'Maybe. Or maybe they just feel like they have to. Like it's another thing to do… another job.'

'Would you feel like that if you were in their shoes?'

'No… but that's different.'

'How?'

'They…. deserve it.'

'Ah. And you don't?'

'My own mother really didn't like me. She couldn't stand to look at me at said so. Said I reminded her of that night, of what he did to her. How I came to be. Now and again she would sober up and we'd have a good few days but then she would have a bad day and start drinking again. '

'Olivia, why do you do the work you do?'

'To help people. To stop what happened to my mother happening to others.'

'To stop other kids being in the situation you were in.'

'Suppose so.'

'How many victims have you helped?'

Olivia looked up, the first time the therapist could remember Olivia making eye contact today.

'Oh I don't know….. hundreds?'

'And when will you have done enough to earn the right to feel loved, care for?'

'What?'

'Think about it, Olivia. When you help your victims you support them, care for them. And yet you won't allow people to do the same to you. I think you maybe feel you don't deserve that because of everything in your childhood.'

Olivia just sat there. Her mind wondering back to her childhood. So many images, words, feelings.

'Olivia?'

'Yeah sorry.'

'Olivia, I think we've done enough for today. But before you go I want to tell you something and then I would like you to try something this week.'

'Okay.'

'Firstly, Olivia everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone. And that includes you.'

Olivia was tracing the pattern again. Loved. Her? Could someone change after 40 years?

'Then, Olivia. I want you to allow someone to help you in a way you would normally allow or just let them in, just a bit further than normal. Can you do that?'

'I'll try.'

'And oh Olivia I know you're working a tough case. But you need to keep eating and try to get some rest. The flashbacks will only get worse if you are very tired.'

'Captain said I must grab a bit to eat before I head back. Sleep… I'll try.'

'Ok. Good. See you next week.'

'Yeah, thanks Doc.'

'Be safe Olivia.'

Olivia walked into the dinner where she usually came if she wanted to go out for breakfast.

'Detective Benson. Good morning. Nice to see you again.

'Thanks Ruby. Got a table for me?'

'Seems to me that your usual table is open. Shall I bring you a coffee?'

'Yes thanks. Um, can you also order me my usual breakfast. I don't have much time. I have to get back to the station.'

'Working on the missing girls case are you?'

'Yup.'

'Breakfast coming up as soon as possible.'

'Thanks, Ruby.' Olivia said as she walked to the table at the back of the room.

As Olivia sat down to wait for her breakfast, she pulled out her phone. She'd sent Brian a text when she left her therapist office to see if he could join her for a quick breakfast, but when she looked on her phone she saw that he had not replied. She guessed he went home after his shift and was sleeping.

Olivia sat eating her breakfast trying to prepare herself for another long shift but just thinking about the two missing girls led her back to that dark world she was trying to escape from.

'Ah come on don't be shy. You were so sweet when you were knocked out.' Lewis was saying as he was picking her and the chair up from the floor. 'Another drink? Why don't I take off the tape so you can say yes.' That's when she felt the cold metal of her gun trace her face. "Oh, if you scream again, I'll shove your gun down your throat.' Just minutes later he was holding her phone to her ear and she was listening to Brian's voice saying how he couldn't meet her that night as he'd been pulled into working a double shift. She couldn't describe how she felt at that moment. Alone. Terrified. No one to come and save her. Olivia's mind skipped forward to today's therapy session. 'Olivia, I want you to allow someone to help you in a way you would normally allow or just let them in, just a bit further than normal. Can you do that?' How could she do that when at the moment she needed someone no one was around to help her. To save her.'

'Detective Benson?' she could hear her name being called from a distance. 'Olivia?'

Olivia forced herself to follow the sound of the voice that was calling her.

'Oh, I'm so sorry for startling you, Detective.'

'It's ok Mike. How are you?'

Mike was Ruby's husband and they owned the coffee shop where Olivia and the other detectives of the unit often came to eat when they were on duty and had the time.

'I'm good, detective. Thank you. I just wanted to come over and say that it is so good to see you again and back at work.' Olivia smiled. She could feel the warmth with which he said it.

'Thank you, Mike.'

'Oh by the way Detective, don't forget to pick up the rest of your order when you leave.'

'The rest of my order?' Olivia was confused.

'The other five breakfast rolls and coffees.'

'I….never ordered…..'

Mike gave Olivia a smile.

'And Detective there's no tab today. Just find those girls, ok?'

'Thank you, Mike. We're trying. Believe me.'

'I know you guys are. Stay safe Detective.'

As Mike disappear into the kitchen, Olivia stood up, left a big tip, collected the bag with the rolls in and the coffees and headed out to repay Mike for his kindness.