It's been a week since Finnick entered the hospital. One long week of Peeta spending his evenings there while I continue to work extra hours to save up more money and pay off more bills. I won't lie, the money we've received to help with the medications has been wonderful, taking a load off of my shoulders that I hadn't appreciated until it was gone. But now it seems like the weight of Finnick's illness has simply slipped into its spot, gripping at the edges of my thoughts.
I know too that I'm not the only one that's feeling drawn – everyone at the centre seems to be holding onto hope that Finnick will start to get better and soon be released. At least, everyone but Haymitch.
My appointment today with him has been riddled with undercurrents of frustration and anger, all easily directed at Finnick and his 'fool's choices', as Haymitch describes them. I try not to focus on it but it's hard when his caustic remarks make me want to fire back angry retorts.
"You know, if he hadn't been so stupid this wouldn't be happening," he mutters to his computer as he scrolls through more files. I sit on my hands and look at the dying plant on his desk, a remnant of something he'd likely been given to cheer him up. "Or if Peeta had just spoke up about it we all could have confronted him on how stupid he was being. Damn them both!"
"Peeta didn't want to betray his friend," I reply lowly. When I look up, Haymitch is glaring at me, his hands flat on the desk beside his keyboard and ignoring his search for my file.
"Girl, you're still too new to this to really understand, but this behaviour leaves ripples in our community and-"
"I do understand, more than you think!" I shout, interrupting his snide words and sitting up a little taller. I can't sit back and be belittled by this man, not when we're all hurting for the same reason.
"Oh yeah? You think you know everything since you've been here for what, a year? You don't know anything and you're just stirring the pot, like everyone else. You think you and Peeta are going to make it? Ha! You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve that boy and oh – now you're going to give me that look like a kicked puppy. Well tough; not everything is roses and you trying to make it with a guy who doesn't even know how to like himself is not helping anyone. You're just a stupid girl-"
My hands snapping hard against the desk, their crack resonating around the room and up my arms leaves us both frozen to our seats, words stalled in our throats. Meeting Haymitch's eyes I can't miss the burn of pain and fear that hides behind his facade. Taking a deep breath, I focus in on what was said before I open my mouth to respond.
"I'm not stupid and I sure as hell am not naive to this illness, Haymitch. I might be learning the ropes but you damn well know that everyone learns them this way and you're not being fair to hold that against me. If you're mad about Finnick, go be mad at him, but I came here today to get an update on my finances, not to be judged by you. And besides that, what Peeta and I have is between us, and only us. You don't get to tell us what we're doing is wrong because it's not – you're not our parents and you sure as hell are not in our relationship. Now can we please just get back to these damn documents so I can go home?"
My breath comes out in a huff as I finish, almost as if I'd used it to puff myself up when I was spewing my rant. Looking back towards Haymitch, I watch him stare back at me with a blank look on his face before he returns to facing the computer.
The meeting continues on with very little said between us, quick questions answered with few words. When finally we finish I stand to leave, desperate to escape the tension filled room, I'm stalled by my name.
"Katniss, wait. I didn't mean to insult you. You're doing a good job here for your sister. But Peeta – he's a good kid. I've watched out for him since his brother brought him in fresh from rehab and he's had to fight to get to where he is now. The boy has demons that are serious, beyond either of us, and anyone with him needs to think about that long and hard. He's had a hard time coming around to this disease and with everything going on, I don't want you to do anything to upset that balance for him. Hear me?" he finishes and I let his words sink in.
His sentiment, though brash, aligns with all of those questioning looks he's given me whenever Peeta and I are together. Haymitch means well, but still doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt for how I'll be with Peeta and that hurts, no matter where he's coming from.
"I hear you," I answer quietly, not wanting to argue any more before I leave the office, walking quickly past Johanna's calls for my attention.
I don't turn back when I leave the centre, my back up in defence as I walk quickly in the direction of home. The whole meeting has made me uncomfortable, targeting in on my own thoughts and burrowing into my problems like a sliver. Halfway to my apartment building I make an abrupt turn. Sending a quick message to Prim, informing her that I'll be heading to Peeta's and not to expect me for the evening. Then picking up my pace, I head towards his place, determined to get there before he does.
"You're at my door," Peeta states oddly, shuffling his backpack in his hands before grabbing his keys from his pocket. I barely wait for him to unlock the door before I'm grabbing at his lapels and reaching my mouth up to his. After all that's seemed to happen over the last week, with Finnick sick and now this conversation with Haymitch, I want even more to be with Peeta and affirm my relationship with him.
Together we stumble through the doorway and into his loft, catching our feet on the carpet and nearly falling to the floor.
"Woah, woah," Peeta gasps, breaking away for a moment and brushing the hair out of his face. His smile is crooked and questioning and all I can do is grin in return. "Well, this is a nice surprise. What brought you over here?"
"Just wanted to see my best friend. With everything going on, I haven't seen you that much and I missed you, maybe. Just a little," I reply, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding him close. The heat of him surrounds me, his palms coming to rest on my hips and burning holes to my center.
"I've missed you too. A little. Maybe," he counters and leans in to kiss me, a slow burn that nearly makes my toes curl.
"Oh hello, little bro and... Friend?" a voice calls out, breaking between us and causing me to jump back in surprise. I look up to find a Peeta-look-alike leaning in the open doorway with a smirk on his face.
"You're early, for once," Peeta grumbles and grabs hold of my hand before I can bolt to hide the embarrassment that courses through me. "Katniss, this is Rye. Rye, Katniss."
I look up to meet Peeta's brother, the one who'd always been there for him and who had helped him when no others would, and try to smile.
"Well shit, Peet, she's good looking too. Goddamn you," Rye sounds, stepping towards me with his hand held outward. "Katniss, great to meet you. Peet here hasn't stopped talking about you since you first came around."
I take his hand in mine lightly, uncertain about how much he knows and whether he's going to be against me like Haymitch seems to be.
"We were, um, actually going to go grab some dinner - did you want to come with us?" Peeta asks, turning to me with a questioning look. I take a moment and look between the two, debating whether I'd made the right decision to come over and if I'm imposing. When I find smiles from both, as well as curiosity from Rye, I shrug.
"Yeah, that sounds good."
"Great, let me change my shirt and we can head out," Peeta states, leaning in for a quick kiss before jogging down the hall to his room. When he's disappeared, I turn to Rye and smile awkwardly, unsure of what to say to this man who has done so much for Peeta.
I don't have to be silent long.
"So, are you positive too? Peeta won't tell me," he asks outright and I sputter, surprised at the forward way he's asked and done a social faux-pas from what I've learned about this community.
"I - uh… No, I'm not," I reply weakly and turn my face towards Peeta's room, ready to back out of this dinner. Not sure if I want to deal with this tonight.
"Oh, really? How's that working? Are you guys being safe? Please tell me you are!" Rye continues, his voice still upbeat despite his questions invading mine and Peeta's privacy.
"Maybe that's not for me to talk about?" I try to answer, desperate to avoid this conversation, but Rye only laughs and slaps me on the shoulder jovially.
"Okay, okay, sorry, I'm just pushing boundaries. It's what I do, especially when it comes to this kid. He never talks about people he's dating so this is big to me." Trying to smile, I'm sure it comes out as a grimace. "Seriously, Katniss, I'm sorry if I've offended you - "
"Rye, seriously? What the hell did you say in the one minute I left you alone? For the record, your brother has been too pathetic to be dating so it wasn't that I was lying to you or anything," Peeta breaks in, thankfully returning from his room while still buttoning up his shirt.
"Sure, that's what you say! But don't worry brother, I only put my foot in my mouth again. Standard invasive questions and diarrhea of my words. Manageable."
I look between the two of them curiously as Peeta smacks his brother upside the head with a smile on his lips. The action seems almost affectionate, in a weird kind of way.
"You okay?" Peeta asks, turning from his brother to me. I nod and put on a smile.
"Yeah, just some dickish questions but I'll survive," I joke hesitantly. Peeta grins wider and looks to his brother.
"She's got your number. Better watch out."
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Can we go eat? I missed lunch and I'm starving."
Without another word, we head out down to street level and onto the nearest diner. All the time walking, Peeta keeps my hand in his, swinging them back and forth in a more upbeat mood than I'd seen him in since this whole mess with Finnick began.
After following the waitress, we all push into a booth and scan the menu, quickly picking out and ordering our food.
"So, Peeta," Rye starts, breaking into conversation, "How's Finnick?"
I turn to watch Peeta at his brother's question, so out of the blue and without warning. I'm quickly starting to realize that Rye isn't one to hold back with his words.
"He's not too good. He can't keep his oxygen levels up and he's breathing too fast. Still cracks jokes like a wise guy though. Says the doctors are making him wear an oxygen mask because his face is too pretty and he's stealing their nurses," Peeta responds lowly, his fingers picking at his nails, avoiding my gaze. I reach over and hold his hand in mine, drawing his attention to me instead of his cuticles.
"I'm sorry," Rye adds, reaching over and clapping him on the shoulder. When he sits back, his gaze is analytical, searching his brother's face for something. "Have you gone to a meeting lately?" he asks quietly, leaning forward and darting his eyes between us. I can tell from the way he's asked that a part of him was unsure of what I know about his brother already.
"Earlier this week," Peeta replies, shocking me and causing me to sit back a bit in surprise. Peeta doesn't miss the movement and turns to me with a guilty look in his eyes. "I'm sorry -" he starts and I shake my head, dismissing his apology.
"It's okay. Just, you can tell me about these things, you know that right?"
My words feel sour in my mouth, a little troubled that he hadn't thought I should know what he was dealing with. I would have supported him, I'm sure of that.
"Yeah, I just didn't want to bother you with it," he adds, not meeting my gaze and instead focusing on his thumb as it brushes across the back of my hand. I let it drop, nodding and shifting a touch closer to Peeta before turning back to Rye.
"Now that you've blurted out everything, let's talk uncomfortably about you for a while," I start, a sly smile on my lips and Rye grins sheepishly back at me.
"That sounds like a plan. What would you like to know?"
"When did you last get laid?"
Even as the words slip out of my mouth I can feel my cheeks burning with the embarrassment from the question, too late to take it back now. Beside me, Peeta let's out a guffaw and Rye sits back, his posture wolfish as though lying in wait.
"Less than 24 hours, but who's counting?" he responds leisurely and I nearly choke on my drink.
The conversation from then on is hilarious, my sides hurting from the laughter caused by these two and their childhood stories that Rye insists on sharing. We talk about everything from Rye's boring office job to his frequent one night stands that he attributes to Barney Stinson's "Bro Code" and his insistence on suits. He even dives into a rendition of his favourite filthy story that he belts out along with the broadway tune that accompanies it.
The evening is a good one, and well deserved. It helps to see some lightness back in Peeta's eyes during this time that's drawing on him. At one point, I even take a moment on my way back from the washroom to observe the brothers and see the ease with which they communicate. Thick as thieves, I have to assume they were back as youths, before everything went out the window with Peeta and his injury.
I'm thankful then, for Rye and the way he's been there for Peeta so that we would one day meet and be here in this time. Despite everything that's going on, I'm glad I've found him and that he's found me. A bright light in the encompassing darkness.
Afterwards, as Rye is leaving us at Peeta's stoop, I'm surprised when he pulls me in for a tight hug.
"You two take care of eachother, you hear?" he whispers into my ear. I nod and pull back, turning to Peeta who hasn't stopped smiling pretty much all night. When Rye moves to pull him into a hug, Peeta holds on for an extra second, the words Rye says to him muffled in his collar. Finally pulling apart, Peeta brushes at his face and then takes my hand tightly in his.
"See you in a month," Rye states and turns away, heading down the street on foot. "You too Katniss!" he shouts just as we're about to step through the doors to Peeta's building. I laugh and look to Peeta whose smile is nostalgic.
"He likes to check in every month on the supposed day of my sobriety - it's weird but kind of touching, from him. He's a good brother," Peeta states, looking at me and seemingly searching for my judgement. I nod and pull him in for a hug of my own, my fingers gripping his shirt tightly.
"He's great," I state honestly before reaching up on my tip-toes to whisper in his ear. "I love you, Peeta," I breath, holding tight. The truth feels good to finally say aloud, to share with him now that I've realized it. His body stiffens slightly in surprise before he pulls me up into his arms, my feet lifting off the ground.
"I love you too," he replies gruffly and places me back on the floor before pulling my face to his in a fervent kiss. "I think I have since I met you. Since you first walked into Posi+ive. It's always been you," he adds, his body moving us towards the staircase and closer to his loft.
We make quick work of the stairs, our bodies crashing into one another as we reach his living room.
I hadn't really expected this when I'd come over earlier - not meeting Rye, not telling Peeta I that I loved him or even stumbling into his bedroom together as he pulls off my shirt.
No, I'd come here expecting to lament about my problems and maybe have a cuddle party. But this…
"This is so much better," I hiss in between breaths as Peeta, kneeling before me, nuzzles my belly button.
"Hmm?" he asks from before me and I sigh contently, sliding down until we're level with one another.
"I said this is better than what I'd expected when I came over," I repeat. Peeta grins and brushes my stray hairs back from my face.
"I want… I want to do this with you. To have sex. But only if you want to. And it's okay if you don't. I mean, I'm scared shitless right now, but I still want it. I want you. Katniss," he heaves a breath and closes his eyes tightly as I process his words, "I want to be with you. But I need to know that you understand what this could mean. That things could be different after."
I swallow the spit in my mouth, the dry nerves making it hard.
Do I want this?
Can I handle this?
If something does go wrong… Will I be okay with it?
The questions attack me like battering waves from the sea but then Peeta is there, his fingers against my cheek holding me still and I know.
"I understand and I still want this. Nothing will go wrong, but even if it did… Peeta you've shown me that it can be okay. You and everyone at the centre, even now with what's happening to Finnick and Annie, that's life, that's how it is no matter if you're positive or not. People get sick and things are hard but if I have you - well, nothing can take that from me. Life can be lived with HIV. Sleeping with you, being with you - you're not some life-ending choice. You're the risk I'm willing to take with my heart, with everything that I am. You're worth it. Okay?" I finish breathless, my words having fallen from me with a faltering grace but still true none-the-less.
I don't need Peeta to respond. Not with the way his eyes glow in the light of the setting sun or the way his hands pull me to him until our lips are crashing together.
Standing up, we move in sync towards the bed, peeling off our remaining clothes until our skin is bare and we're exploring one another. I let Peeta take the lead as his lips drag down my torso, his hands burning a trail that feels like an expert's touch. My body catches fire with every hot breath against my skin and every scrape of fresh stubble.
His tongue tasting and his lips pulling at my flesh, his light breath against my hot center causes my toes to curl and I have to pull the sheets to me to keep from falling apart.
When Peeta returns from his exploration and presses his lips to mine I nearly melt into the bed, so hot that I'm becoming liquid in his hands. I know then that it isn't so much the fact that I've been without sex for quite some time, it's that its Peeta doing this to me.
Peeta tearing down his walls and facing his fears for me, the thought spins inside of me and my heart blooms almost until bursting.
"Can I just - " Peeta interrupts my fuzzy thoughts, his voice curling around us. "It's been - uh - a long time. And it might - " I place my fingers to his lips, stopping the words I know he'd wanted to say.
"It doesn't matter," I reply quietly.
And it doesn't. Not as I move and he follows, my body reaching for the bedside table and scrounging for the condoms I'm hoping to God he has. Fingers landing upon foil, I pull one loose and shift until I'm straddling his thighs, my hands shaking with every movement.
Peeta doesn't make me struggle long before he takes the condom from me and sheaths himself. Looking down, I meet his gaze and nod, affirming that I want this, not needing words.
His length spears me, my body stretching to accommodate him and aching sweetly at the pressure. I hear Peeta hiss out a breath, feel his hands on my hips holding me steady before I begin to move. Slowly at first, everything uncertain.
We move together in a jumbled mess of quick breaths and seeking touches. My hands find their way to his broad shoulders, my nails digging in as I let him push up into me in frantic juts until he's sitting up, clinging to me tightly and his face lost against my shoulder. Together we hold on as our bodies mesh and begin hurtling towards the edge of bliss.
What seems like forever in our world speeds by in reality and before I can truly understand it, my body is crashing fast, sliding over the edge and pulling Peeta along with me until all that remains is our heavy panting and a mix of limbs and sweat.
Laying back down to recover, I move closer to Peeta as he disposes of the used condom. I watch as he ties off the end and wraps it in tissue, tossing it in the trash can before looking at his hands for a moment.
"Be right back," he mutters and slides out of the room leaving the bed to cool without his heat. I shiver slightly, watching the door as I hear the shower turn on.
The realization that he can't talk to me about what he's doing right now makes me pause. Does he really feel that uncomfortable with what we'd just done? I want to join him, to talk to him until he'll tell me, but I'm afraid of pushing him too far. So instead I wait in the bed, my thoughts moving anxiously until the shower stops and heavy footsteps return to the room. When Peeta once again crawls in next to me his skin is damp.
"Hey," he murmurs, his fingers drifting across my cheek. I try to force a smile but it's unsure, tight, and causes him to frown. "Katniss," he tries.
I close my eyes and try to pull myself together, to get past the hurt that has filled me with his leaving.
"Katniss, look at me. Please. I just wanted to make sure. I didn't mean - "
"You didn't mean to what? Instantly regret what we've just done?" I interrupt his apology, my tone harder than I had expected.
"It's not - I don't regret it. Not for a moment. I wanted to be clean for you-"
His words make my face burn and I have to sit up, determined to make him see.
"You aren't dirty, Peeta!" I nearly shout, my body shaking with nerves. "We're being safe, yes, but you can't keep thinking the worst or we're never going to survive this. I need you to think about what you know, about the precautions you know that work and what is and isn't possible in transmission cases. You helped teach me this," I finish quietly and pull in a breath to calm myself.
Peeta sits up to meet me, his head hanging and his fingers picking at his nails again.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles. I take his hands in mine and hold them tightly, my lips pressing a kiss to them.
"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry, I let it get away from me. But I just want you to see yourself for who you are and not be so afraid of your own body. We just had sex. We're both okay. We were safe and we both wanted it. Right?" I question and Peeta looks up quickly, his head nodding.
"Yes. Of course."
"Good then. Now, can we lay down and just… talk?" Peeta's abrupt kiss and the way he threads his fingers through my tousled hair tells me that the distance between us isn't as far as my worrying thoughts had grown.
When sleep finally overtakes me that night I'm surrounded by Peeta's warmth and his sweet kisses, and our bond is tighter than ever before.
AN: It's for real, we've completed the last chapter! Can you believe it? No, this one isn't the end. There's still 5 more so stick with us! Remember, any questions, concerns, just drop them in the comment box or PM. Love you guys!