It happens quickly.
With the blare of a ringing tone and the sleep blur still in my eyes I roll over to see Peeta palming around for his phone, his torso exposed to the early morning light that creeps through the windows.
The moment catches my attention and in my daze I smile and watch the smooth planes of his back move remembering my nails scraping along them but a few hours earlier.
"Hello?" Peeta grumbles into the phone.
The mood is broken. Another second passes and I'm alone in the bed, cold and confused as Peeta begins grabbing for his jeans on the floor and talking rapidly into the phone in his hand.
"Yes, I can be there soon. I'll be right there - no, I'm on my way," he repeats over and over, as though the person on the other end is incapable of understanding him. My stomach clenches in response, the meaning coming at me hard and fast, too impossible to believe. "No, it's - "
I can hear the other end of the phone as the noise rips at my heart. Peeta pauses where he stands, one foot in his jeans and his hand holding the waistband limply. His shoulders shake and when he looks at me I can see the pain coursing through him, his body barely able to continue to stand.
I go to him. My hands shaking as they brush at the tears on his cheeks, my hand gripping the phone and bringing it to my ear to listen to Annie mumble on about how it's time. How it's now. How she is not ready.
"We're on our way," I urge and hang up the phone, holding Peeta's head and forcing him to look at me. "Let's get dressed and we'll go, okay?" I murmur quietly, nodding my head to convince myself. Peeta nods and leans in to place his forehead against mine, his breaths shaking.
"Please stay with me," he asks quietly.
"Always," is my simple reply and we stand there together for a moment longer.
We get dressed in relative silence, the light peeking through the window and casting an eerie glow across us. Outside, we flag down a cab and crawl in the back. Peeta sits close to me, his hand tightly clasping mine. I lean against his side wishing we were anywhere but here, anywhere but this time in space where this is happening.
"I wanted to make french toast this morning. And have mimosas. I saved a cheap bottle of sparkling wine for it and everything. This… This is the worst way to wake up after what we did last night…" Peeta mutters under his breath, barely audible to me.
His words breathe a chill down my spine; another sign that he regrets last night.
I try to swallow the rock that's formed in my throat, the sting of tears pricking at my eyes as I look down to where our hands are resting together.
In truth, I don't regret a moment from last night. Finally sleeping with Peeta will never be something I regret, no matter the risk. It was right then, and it's right now. But I can't push it. Not now. Despite how the thought plagues me, I know that what Peeta is facing right now - losing his best friend - is a bigger wound than I could even imagine.
When the cab arrives at the hospital we're slow to slide out, standing and staring up at the entrance for a moment before heading inside. I hold Peeta's hand tightly in mine, desperate to be his lifeline as we make our way upstairs.
It's not long after we pass through the ward doors that we can hear the chaos from down the hall, the sounds slamming into me like fists.
Peeta stalls at the noise, freezing in place.
"I can't…," he moans aloud, his voice cracking. Looking up at him, I press my hand to his cheek and lift up to place a kiss to his lips.
But he turns his cheek and I miss.
I try to shove it down, to push away the hurt that blossoms through me at his rejection, but the sting is too strong and I have to look away.
"Come on," I command gently, leading him forward and into Finnick's room. Looking towards the bedside we see Annie clinging to it, a nurse standing ready, monitoring Finnick's decline.
The scene makes me sick to my stomach and I clench my hand tighter around Peeta's fingers.
"Peeta!" Annie cries out, looking up from the unconscious form that is Finnick. I see Finnick's body move with his agonal breaths and I can't take it.
I can't watch him die.
I cover my mouth, witnessing the final breaths of this man, this strong, beautiful person who cannot die. Not now.
"They won't help him!" Annie shrieks, holding onto Finnick's hand while looking towards us.
"Miss, he has a do not resuscitate order," the nurse states from the corner, her voice calm. I look to see her face is compassionate but distant, as though she has seen this too many times before.
"Peeta, please, help me make them help him. He wants to live, I know he does," Annie pleads, getting up and moving towards him, tears mixing in a mess on her face, her skin flushed as the sobs overtake her again.
I watch as Peeta transforms from the terrified person I was dragging along, to a pillar of strength.
"It's time, Annie. He talked to us about it and you understood - he's doing this so you don't suffer. It's-"
"I can't live without him!" she screams and my heart breaks for her, my chest tightening as my own tears escape.
"Annie," he pleads in return, "he wouldn't want you to feel this way."
"I know he doesn't! He's still alive. I don't want to leave him," she screeches in between gasps for breath as she works herself up further. I watch as Peeta moves them to the side of the bed, gently guiding Annie back into the chair as he pulls his own closer right up next to her. The tears seem to come in a wave and soon Annie's gasping breaths are dulled by her resting her face against Finnick's hip.
Finally, the room is quiet but for the haggard breathing of our friend.
"Peeta," I whisper, picturing the same thing happening to me five years from now. Watching as Peeta struggles to breathe. As it happens to Prim - as her small frame withers away to the thin remnants that now make up Finnick's once full body.
The thoughts swirl and fight, my teeth biting through my bottom lip as I crush it between my teeth.
I want to run away. To escape this world and all of the death and sickness that is going to come for me eventually. The thought of having to bear this torture, time and again, and watch my loved ones leave me... I can't handle it.
Feeling Peeta pull away mentally, I wrap my arms around myself and try desperately to hold myself together knowing that it might be impossible to bear but I need to try for Peeta.
"Hey Finn," Peeta greets, reaching for his friend's hand. "I know you're still in there but I wanted to say it's okay now. I'll watch out for Annie and make sure she gets through this. She's strong, she's going to be okay. We all will. So it's okay to let go, you don't have to stick around longer if you need to move on."
With a nod to Peeta the doctor steps forward and starts whispering. I hear snatches of her soothing voice. Morphine for air hunger. Drops to stop the harsh gurgling that seems to be rattling in Finnick's throat. Some other drug for anxiety. Peeta nods mutely as he watches his best friends oxygen saturation drop. A nurse mercifully comes in and turns off the alarms from the machines Finnick is hooked up to. Stepping back against the wall I wish I could disappear, that I could be anywhere but here. But I stay because Peeta needs me and Annie is almost quiet in her suffering. Gradually the noises we heard when we came in seem to quiet until only our agony is left screaming like a banshee in the room.
Even as Finnick's gasping breaths seems to quiet.
Even as my heart beats seem to grow louder.
Even as Peeta's tears penetrate the deafening silence around me and burrow under my skin until all I can feel is the anguish that he feels, the loss of his best friend.
"Goddammit," a husky voice mutters from the doorway. I turn to see Haymitch standing there, his hands gripping to the frame and holding him up as he looks in on the scene before him. I know then that this must crush him to see Peeta and Annie hurting as Finnick fades, that his pain must be beyond anything I could comprehend because he's known these three for so very long.
The room seems to grow smaller with every passing second and I barely comprehend the doctor entering the room to note the time of death. Paralyzed, I watch her place a stethoscope on Finnick's immobile chest. Shine a pin light in his partially opened eyes before closing them forever. I stay tucked against the wall, my body curled into itself and my eyes watching Peeta as Haymitch stands behind him, hand placed upon his shoulder.
They'll have each other now, I convince myself before stepping outside of the room. In the hallway I have to grasp my knees to catch my breath, my lungs seemingly starved for air from being in that room and watching Finnick die.
The sounds of the hospital around me slowly start to sink in and when I look up I see myself in another room, my body huddled as Peeta's was, over my sister's small, pale, figure. The vision scares me and I have to shake my head until it clears, my eyes once again opening to an empty room before me.
As I stand in the hallway I try to focus on staying strong and keeping it together for Peeta. I know that he needs me, especially now, but I can't shake the fears I have that he's going to leave me just as Finnick left him. I can't get past the haunting looks of a gaunt Prim struggling to breathe.
I don't know if I can bear this weight upon my shoulders.
The time old question comes barreling back at me - can I handle this?
I don't think I can.
Before I even realize it, I'm walking away down the hallway and towards the elevator, my feet moving quickly as my thoughts race. My mind screams at me as I go, passing a patient resting on a bed in the hallway.
I should stay.
Peeta needs me.
I promised him.
And still I walk faster. The elevator dings and a man steps off with a coffee in hand that I nearly upturn as I step past him. My body tucked against the wall I hit the 'Close Door' button repeatedly until the metal starts to move.
I stare blankly through the closing gap, time nearly standing still, until I see a figure step out of Finnick's room.
Peeta.
I lurch forward and press the 'Open Door' button just as the crack closes, my heart suddenly in my throat as it really connects with me what I'm doing. I press the button frantically until the elevator starts to move and I have to focus on pressing the right floor so I can go back.
Because I need to go back.
I feel like I'm going to throw up when I burst out of the elevator a floor up from where I'd gotten on. Twisting wildly, I find the staircase door and take the stairs two at a time until I'm rushing into the lobby of Finnick's floor.
When I get there, I'm greeted by the sight of Haymitch holding Peeta against him, the sight causing me to come up short. With my stomach in knots, I approach slowly and catch Haymitch's eye. His ever present scowl is replaced now by a face weary with loss, exhaustion and disappointment.
"Your girl came back," Haymitch mumbles to Peeta, clapping him on the back until Peeta's body shudders and pulls away.
Meeting my gaze our eyes connect and the sight breaks me. Beyond the blue I can see the oceans of pain that Peeta is drowning in, the loss overcoming the sparkle I'd seen just the night before.
"You promised," he states calmly, his nose making his words nasally likely from the tears. I nod, unable to deny it. "You said you wouldn't leave."
Again I nod, stepping closer until I can rest my hand on his arm.
"I've never - " I start carefully but his expression changes and soon he's turning away from me, his body twisting and his hands tangling in his loose curls.
"Please," he cries out. I can see the whites of his knuckles as they grip his hair and I know then that he had watched the elevator doors close on me.
He knows I'd been running.
"I came back - "
"I don't care. I needed you. I needed you to be here for me. It's better if you leave now," he demands, turning to me at the end, his eyes hard. I frown and shake my head, stepping towards him again only to watch him step away.
"Just go!" he shouts angrily, his mood shifting to one I've never seen before. I glance towards Haymitch who just stares at me, his face unreadable.
I realize I won't find support there. I should have known better.
It only takes me another minute of being shut out before I turn and head back towards the elevator and the escape from this hospital.
All the while home my heart beats in my chest like an angry beast ready to rip, in all its pain and glory, from my chest. I don't know what this means for Peeta and I. I don't know what this means for anything. My thoughts refuse to be processed and I can barely make it to my room before I'm curling up into a ball and shutting out the world.
When Prim comes in, her small body laying before mine, I close my eyes tight so she doesn't have to see. She stays for a while, not quite knowing or saying anything apart from that she knows that Finnick is gone. That Peeta texted her. Asked her to make sure I got home alright. Asked her to look after me today.
But none of it matters now because there is no french toast this morning, no mimosas or time to bask in finally connecting with Peeta. All there is is death and sorrow, abandonment and hurt.
I'd ruined everything. Or we'd ruined it together.
This relationship was never meant to work. Haymitch was right, I don't deserve him.
But I wish I did.
"Prim, just go," I ask quietly, rolling to my other side away from her.
She goes without complaint and I feel the crushing loneliness of what I've done.
I never want to exist again.
AN: I'm sorry. My beta and I wrangled with this chapter for almost a month as I tried to figure out what to do with it. If you need to talk, need a group hug, whatever, please don't hesitate.