"So, you went with Rye?" Peeta asks later, when we're alone sitting on Rye's balcony. We'd finished watching a movie when Rye offered to teach Prim a thing or two about the Mellark family pastime of baking. Peeta and I have gratefully taken the opportunity to enjoy some privacy in the cool summer breeze outside.
"He told you?" I reply after a beat, not so much surprised as I am worried about the potential for Peeta to be upset about it. I squint my eyes as I look out towards the sunset, the strays of my hair catching around my face.
"Yeah. I want to be okay with it, but… It's hard to swallow that you had to do that. I didn't want that to ever be a part of your life," he sighs, exhaustion and a hint of frustration in his tone. I look towards him then, my palm coming to rest on his thigh.
"It's a part of you, Peeta. Isn't it better that I know now, than if it happens again and I have no idea?"
"But it shouldn't have to happened at all," he counters.
"Okay yeah, I know, it sucks. It's a shitty part of life."
"I wish I could be better for you."
"Don't."
The word is out before I think it and I'm pressing my lips to his with a fierceness that surprises even myself.
"I love you however you are. You don't need to change for me, okay?"
Stealing another kiss, I move to rest my head on his shoulder as we sit and watch the sunset in the distance.
"Cake's done," Rye interrupts a while later, joining us on the balcony with Prim at his side proudly holding up a small bunt cake sprinkled with icing sugar.
"It's beautiful!" Prim exclaims and sets the cake down on the beaten up table. Together we surround the treat, splitting it into oversize pieces and devouring it in the early evening quiet.
The moment allows me a time of reprieve as I think about all that has happened this past year. The shock of learning about Prim's diagnosis, of coming home and struggling for so long, of meeting Peeta and searching for a balance. Finally now things seem to be starting to settle down around us.
These past few weeks have been incredibly hard, straining on myself and the relationships I keep, but together we have all come through the fog to the other side, our vision clearer and stronger. As I sit here, chewing on the soft cake that tickles my taste buds I realize that with Finnick's death came a closeness with people that I hadn't thought possible. Now, as we gather here, Prim, Peeta, Rye and myself, I find us to be like a family. Though we're still new to this, I hope that this is the start of something more than just mutual comfort from the end of Finnick's life.
"Whatcha thinking about, Kitty?" Rye prods when I've been lost in my thoughts for too long. I grin sheepishly at him and shrug, preferring to keep those visions to myself for now.
"Probably about what she's going to do to you later, Peeta," Prim jokes. The flash of embarrassing heat to my cheeks has me turning towards her quickly, surprised at her forwardness and the daring words she's shared. "Whoops," she covers quickly at my stare, her hand whipping up to cover her mouth.
Beside me, Peeta coughs on his cake as Rye bursts into a fit of laughter that echoes off the cement walls. The feeling is contagious and before I know it we're all laughing for one reason or another, our sides starting to hurt from the effort.
"Okay, okay, but seriously, who needs some chocolate milk?" Rye asks once the laughter has subsided. Prim perks up at the offer, quickly joining him inside and once again leaving us alone.
"It's almost like they planned that," Peeta sighs, his heavy palms coming to rest on my shoulder as he massages gently. I nearly melt in his grip, the feeling filling me with a new heat. "You know, I was thinking about what I was going to do to you later," he whispers distractingly in my ear, the sound running straight to my core.
He continues his motions for a while longer until he pauses, his chin coming to rest on my shoulder.
"But I think I should stay another night here. Just to reassure Rye… You know? Would that be okay?"
"Of course it would. You're not going anywhere, right? We have time," I finish lazily,shifting until I'm sitting back against him, tucked into his warmth.
"God, I love you," he sighs into my hair and his arms wrap themselves tightly around me, reassuring and comforting.
"So, how are you doing, my dear?" Effie asks brightly, leaning forward with her fingers on the desk, sprawling out.
I'm here because Peeta and I have finally started to find some counselling to help us adjust to everything that's happened this past year. I had hoped Annie would be able to help me before everything happened, but she's so out of it these days that I can't help but worry for her.
Finnick's death hit her harder than I've ever seen death hit anyone. Her work with the centre has been non-existent, her withdrawal so complete that Prim has started in her position without any buffer. I can't hold it against her, but to stay I'm surprised that this is how she'd adjust after being in the community so long, would be an understatement.
So here I sit, Effie's overly pink office nearly suffocating me as I ask for a reference to a couples counsellor.
The feeling is bizarre.
"It seems like you've made great strides between yourselves, from what you've told me and that's wonderful," her words drip with excitement.
I catch sight of her adam's apple and I remember what Prim had said about her transition. I realize you wouldn't notice the difference if it hadn't been pointed out before and the surrealness of the situation has me chewing my tongue.
Two years ago, I never thought my life would be full of so many people from so many different walks of life. Or that I would be included so completely into their community.
Two years ago I didn't even know Posi+ive existed. Now I can't imagine my life without it.
"I think something you should start to examine your expectations for the future - I have a great friend with the regional mental health group who works with new couples that are looking towards the future. What some people in the community may forget is that family planning is more than just wearing condoms to prevent the spread of HIV. You know, we'd be excited to have another little one running around to perhaps be friends with the Odair child, if you're eager to start a family," she sighs wistfully, her gaze upturning to the ceiling as she pictures the ideal situation in her mind.
I freeze as the words start to sink in.
Not the ones about my future, but the ones about Annie's. I think.
"The -" I clear my throat as the words get stuck, "Odair baby?"
"Oh, you didn't know? My dear, Annie is with child. Isn't that thrilling?" she squeals excitedly, breathless at the thought.
I bite my tongue, my worry increasing tenfold for Annie and how she's getting through this. I couldn't imagine being pregnant, let alone doing it on my own especially so soon after Finnick's passing.
"Yes," I mutter, lost in my thoughts as Effie starts to plow on, giving me the name and number of a few counsellors in the area that work with couples. I ask for the list to be printed out and I leave her office in a daze.
"Yo, Brainless!" Johanna calls as I head towards the exit. I feel her hand on my arm a moment later, startling me back to the present. "What's got you all shell shocked?"
"Um, uh… Nothing. Sorry, I was just thinking about stuff. How are you doing?" I ask as the blood starts flowing again through my brain. I quickly take in the sight of the bags under her eyes and the spot in her hair that looks like she hasn't brushed it since waking up.
"I'm getting by. You know, dealing with shit with Gale - how did you ever put up with him?" she asks quickly, as though rushing through the problem she's facing in her mind.
"What do you mean Jo? What's up?" She shakes her head at my question, looking off over my shoulder and chewing on her lip anxiously. Placing my hand on her shoulder, I urge her to look back at me and when she does there's tears in her eyes. "Let's go get some lunch and you can talk it out okay?"
Her nod is all I need and I shuffle back to find Prim working in the back with a few other young adults preparing educational posters.
"Prim, could you watch the front? Jo and I are going to grab some lunch," I ask quietly so she's the only one to hear. She nods quickly and follows me back out to the front, plopping down in the chair with a huff as I catch sight of Jo leaning against the building outside.
Pulling in a breath, I join her and wait for her to let me know she's ready. Wiping her eyes clear, she jerks her head in the direction of a hot dog stand down the road and we head that way.
Once we have loaded up with our salt-laden lunch, we cut across to the local green space and settle on a bench to eat in peace. It doesn't take long though and soon Jo is tapping her toe on the cement, her arms and legs crossed in a defensive posture.
"So, Gale…" I prompt, shifting to face her slightly.
"Ugh. God, he knew what he was getting into when he got with me. I made it pretty clear that I was still fucked up and he accepted that. But now every night it's 'Jo this' and 'Jo that' - always trying to fix me. It's exhausting and it makes me want to cut him with my axe," she sighs, and though she utters the threat it's clear she doesn't mean it in any sense. It's more like she just doesn't know what to do with Gale's caring for her. "I used to talk to Annie about this shit all the time - she was my sounding board. But with everything…"
"Have you talked to Gale about this at all?" I counter. Jo shakes her head and looks to me.
"Not lately. I guess, well, I think I should probably tell you why I'm at Posi+ive. Now, don't freak out about this okay? I didn't mention it earlier because like, I didn't want you to get it in your head or anything, but we have a lot more in common than you think. My sister was positive too, just like Prim. She tested positive after she was assaulted at a party," she pauses and twists her hands, not willing to look keep eye contact. "She couldn't deal with it. Some people can't. It was fucked up. And it kind of fucked me up - it still does.
"It happened around when Peeta first started coming in. He bonded with my sister because they were both young and he was new and they were dealing with all of the changes happening to them so they got along well. But it wasn't enough for her. She stepped off a bridge one night and that was it. That's why I stuck around here because back then? The only time she smiled was when she was here. So I volunteer here because I remember her here and because these people helped me. But Finnick is gone and Annie is all fucked up and Gale just… It's a lot. Fuck."
She sighs as the words stop tumbling from her lips, leaving me speechless in the silence.
I'm not sure what I expected from Johanna's story but it hadn't been this. Not this tragedy that kept getting worse. The image of Prim standing on a bridge's railing burns into my mind and my heart hurts for Johanna who has been through so much and yet still gives her time to this community. If Prim were to suffer like Johanna's sister, I don't know if I could be strong enough to still be here.
Not having words, I reach forward and hold Johanna's hand as she falters, her head hanging again and her sniffles the only sign of the tears she's letting fall. We sit there for a while, the quiet seclusion of the park giving us the privacy to face our own demons and the challenges that still lay ahead and behind us.
"I just wish it could go back to the way it was, you know?" Johanna grumbles later, the tears dry and her body language back to normal from the defeated way it was only a while earlier.
"Yeah, I get that. But life doesn't go backwards, so we have to go forward with it," I muse. Johanna looks at me, a smirk on her face.
"You've been spending far too much time with Peet in "philosophical mode", haven't you?"
"Actually, that was Gale, after my dad died. You know, you should really talk to him about this. He's been through enough that he can handle it and I think you'd be surprised. Gale understands more than he let's on."
I know my words are true, for as much distance there is between Gale and I right now, there's still a big part of him that's honest and loyal to the end.
"Yeah. I guess. I'm just so used to Annie being around to deal with my shit that now that she's… Well, I need to figure it out and let her figure out her shit too. She's got - nevermind," she waves her hand, dismissing the topic and likely not wanting to share Annie's secret.
Letting it slide to respect whatever privacy Johanna is trying to give, I shrug and together we sit quietly, our moods a little bit lighter than they were earlier. "Okay, I need to go back to the centre. I'll see you later."
Bidding my farewells, I head in the opposite direction, still digesting Johanna's history and Annie's new stage in life. Both subjects make my stomach tighten and when I look at my watch and realize I'm going to be late for work, it's an easy decision for once to call in sick.
I spend the afternoon wandering the streets, popping into children's shops and rubbing my fingers against the smooth feeling of baby clothes. My thoughts drift to not only Finnick and Annie's child, but also the future, still so far away but now peeking with visible edges of Peeta and I, maybe our children in our arms.
Dropping the blue onesie from my grasp I bite the inside of my cheek and look around me.
Children? With Peeta? Is that even possible with… everything?
I look back down at the onesie and grab it and several others into my hands, moving to the cash register with newfound fervor. Checking out, I hail a cab and give it my destination with the bag securely in my grasp.
It only takes a few minutes but soon I'm standing on the steps of a rundown brownstone building, my fingers hovering over the address board. This is it. This is something I need to do.
AN: Only one left!