"Katniss?" Annie's gravelly voice greets me, her skin paler than usual and her eyes dark. She looks thinner now, despite the small bump in her stomach that tells of the truth in Effie's words. It can't have been that long since I've seen her - how did I not notice it before?
"I brought things," I state blankly, thrusting the bag of clothing out towards her. She looks at me as though I've grown two heads, shaking her head slightly.
"How did you know?" she asks, accepting the bag and holding it tightly in her grasp over her belly.
"Effie."
I throw caution to the wind, pushing past and into her apartment without invitation, turning once inside to look at her square on.
"You won't have to do this alone. I've thought it through and you're a part of us at the centre. We're a family and just because things have happened does not mean you're alone. You have us and everyone says it takes a village and well, we're your village but just a little bit more damaged than the usual -" I rattle on, using every thought that comes to mind to try to bring her around to what I'm saying, "Annie, I want to help. I haven't said anything to anyone but I know they'll all help too. Please don't lock yourself away and try to do this by yourself. You don't have to."
The silence between us stretches as I watch Annie's hand move across her stomach lightly. She looks at me, a scared deer-in-the-headlights look, before the tears overcome her.
We move to sit on the little couch in the corner of the room, my arm wrapped around her shoulders as I let her cry like I had earlier with Johanna. The moment seems like a deja vu as all around me the pillars of strength that I found with Prim's diagnosis begin to falter.
"When one of us is down, we help each other stand back up," I mutter the realization outloud. It's true - we are a team connected by Posi+ive and we balance each other within the community.
"I know, it's just so hard to stay," Annie whispers between hiccuping breaths. I pat her back gently, providing the only comfort I really know how to give right now. "Everything there reminds me of him. The walls, the couches, everything. It hurts to be there without him."
"I know. We don't have to go there though, not right now. Not for a long time if you don't want to. But we will get past this," I reassure her.
The time seems to pass slowly, no words needed between us as Annie begins to come back around, poking her hands through the bag and lightly pulling out the onesie covered in mustaches.
"It was too cute to leave it there," I add when she smirks at me, her brow uplifted in question.
"I don't even know what it is… Or if it will be healthy…"
"How do you - I mean, how do you help it… I don't - does the baby automatically get HIV from you? Or from Finnick?" I blurt out confusedly, my thoughts rushing around the complicated issue.
I really have no bearing on HIV pregnancies and the black hole of knowledge boggles my mind. I know Rue got HIV from her mother, but if I'm being honest, I don't really understand if the complications are solely based on whether the mother is HIV positive or if it matters that the father is as well? I don't even know if I should be asking her right now, but if anyone can tell me straight up, it's Annie and maybe it will even help ground her, remind her of what a resource she is to everyone.
Thankfully, Annie lets out a small laugh at my struggling question, patting me affectionately on the knee.
"It's really not that different, surprisingly. Since my viral load is undetectable, I'm kind of like any other pregnant person. I take prenatal vitamins, stay on my meds and just see my doctor more often to check my viral load. It's really the most risky at the third trimester and the birth. If I stay undetectable I can even have a natural birth, but even then they prescribe medicine to counteract any transmission and almost all of infants get through it okay. Then I'd just have to avoid breast feeding. The baby would get antivirals for the first couple of months and then I guess we would be home free. For all I know, and with any luck, the baby will -" she pauses in thought, her attention turning to the window for a moment as she squints into the light, "the baby will be fine," she finishes quietly.
"Were you… Did Finnick - did he… know?" I ask quietly, tentative.
Her eyes well up with tears. "No. I just kind of found out myself. I went into my doctor for routine stuff thinking maybe I was feeling so exhausted because of everything going on, and yeah… I wish I could have told him. Finnick had always wanted children but we were waiting for the right time, for when we could afford to have a child and when our health was stable enough to handle it. We'd talked about it a couple times recently, my tests were good and things seemed to be balancing out with our finances so we tried a few times but nothing too serious. We weren't really trying, just hoping to let things happen but - " She pauses and rubs her forehead with her fingers, mulling over the memories of Finnick, "I hate to think that he was sacrificing himself so that we could have a child."
My stomach rolls at the idea. Had this been on Finnick's mind? It would be so like him to save money and try to ensure Annie was as healthy as possible so they could have their dream life. He would do anything to make Annie happy, that's why Finnick believed he existed.
"He'd be so happy for you now," I offer knowing my words are true. Finnick would have been so proud to know he was going to be a father.
"That's what I have to keep telling myself. That I'm lucky to have this now," Annie responds and a silence passes between us at the memory.
Pulling her in for a tight hug, I realize that I've just witnessed a flash of the old Annie, the less burdened Annie, and I know that she's still in there somewhere and she will come back to us. As surprising and difficult as this baby may be, it might be the best thing for Annie as she'll get to have a piece of Finnick forever.
"Thank you, for coming today," she says, pulling away finally and getting to her feet. "You didn't need to bring these," she adds, motioning to the bag. Joining her, I smile and shake my head.
"Anytime. And yes I did, because you're right, the baby will be fine. Now, do you need anything else? I could stay… But I should probably get home and check in with Prim…"
"No, I'll be okay tonight. Go, I know you want to see Peeta and tell him everything," she laughs as I give her a shocked look, starting to deny that I was going to tell him her situation. "No, it's okay. Really. He loves babies, he'll be over the moon probably. I'll… try to call. If I need anything."
Nodding, we head towards the door. I give Annie another tight hug, ones I usually reserve only for Prim, before heading back onto the street and into the mess of commuter traffic.
"How did your counselling session go today?" I ask Peeta as we climb the stairs to Rye's apartment. We're having dinner here again, Prim included, and I'm happy it seems like maybe it will become a regular thing for us.
"Oh, you know, thrilling and full of upbeat affirmations," he sighs, rubbing his face with his hand as we round the bend.
While I was just starting to look for my counsellor, Haymitch had already referred Peeta to another therapist after Finnick's death, claiming he was too close to provide adequate support. Peeta had been going almost regularly after work, along with occasional addiction meetings to reassure himself that he could stay sober.
I'd never been more in awe of him than when he explained it all to me.
"Are you starting to like the guy better, or is he still all sunshine and rainbows?" I prod a little further, not wanting to invade his privacy but curious to see how he's progressing with some of the things we've discussed. I know his reluctance to trust our decisions, and to trust his knowledge about his own illness, are major points for me but I also understand they might not be the most important for him.
"He's okay. I mean, he wanted me to imagine what it would be like if I didn't have HIV… And… Well that's hard because I feel like I've always had it, at least for the time I was making my own decisions. It's hard to get past, you know? But I think we're making progess, at least with some things."
Nodding, trying to understand his struggle, I remain silent for a moment incase he wants to continue.
He doesn't. And that's okay.
"Well, I've got some news that might make your day a little better?" I offer, changing subjects and nervously bouncing slightly on the couch. When he looks at me with a brow cocked, I grin brightly and blurt it out: "Annie's pregnant."
"She's what?" Prim shouts ecstatically. I look to see her bouncing on her toes, standing in the kitchen with Rye, both their hands covered in flour. Turning back to face Peeta, I see the smile grow on his face and I can't help but be giddy at both of their reactions. "I mean, I thought something was up but you don't just ask. How did you find out?" Prim continues cheerfully, nearly prancing over to me with her hands still in the air.
"Prim, help me finish this before you get too distracted," Rye reminds. I look up to see him glancing towards Peeta cautiously, his gaze quickly averting when I catch him staring.
"Fine… But Katniss you have to talk loud enough so I can hear," Prim quips and returns to kneading the dough they've been working on.
Looking at Peeta, I place my hand gently over his and bring his attention to me, examining his face for any signs of sadness. There's a trace, but through it he's smiling broadly.
"She wanted you to know," I add for only him to hear. Peeta nods and pulls me to him until I'm resting against his chest, an oddly intimate moment for us in the presence of our siblings, but still comfortable and needed.
"I'm happy for her. How did you find out?" Peeta asks after the moment has past and I've pulled back slightly so Prim can hear me.
"Effie, actually - "
"Man, Effie sometimes," Peeta sighs and rubs his hand over his face, exasperated at Effie's lack of filter when it comes to other peoples business.
"Yeah, I know. I think it just slipped her mind, I don't think she meant any harm. But she sort of just dropped the bomb and I kind of… ambushed Annie about it," I shrug, not mentioning my curiosity about HIV pregnancies to Peeta, afraid of what that conversation could lead to.
"Yeah, but still. I'll have to call Annie and check in. She doesn't have any family around that can help her out. It's going to be hard for her," he adds.
"I told her we'd help, in whatever way we could. She seemed okay with that."
"Good. It's not like I'd give her any choice though, unfortunately she's stuck with me," Peeta grins.
"Us, you mean," Prim pipes in from her place at the counter.
The rest of the night happens without much fanfare. Prim's grainy loaf turns out perfectly and she insists we split it up for each of us before we start parting ways for the night.
"Here's yours, Rye," she says, passing him a quarter of the loaf. "And here's mine," she adds, wrapping hers in wax paper. "And finally, for you two," she finishes, handing us the other half of the loaf still in a single piece.
"Why didn't you cut ours?" I ask cautiously, looking between her and Rye and their mischievous shared look.
"Because obviously you're not coming home with me tonight. I saw the way you two were canoodling on the couch earlier. Eh! -" she squeaks, wagging her finger as I open my mouth to challenge her. "Don't even deny it! I'm changing the locks on you tonight. Don't come home!"
I look towards Peeta at her words, my mouth agape from being schooled by my sister.
"She does have a point, you know," he whispers in my ear, his nose brushing gently against my temple as he pulls back. The intimacy of the moment makes a low heat burn in my gut and I can't stop the cheshire grin that grows on my face.
"Well, fine then," I counter exaggeratedly, pulling Peeta until he's taken the hint and we're both grabbing for our things. We're halfway out the door when Peeta remembers the bread, sprinting back to where I'd left it on the counter and tucking it in his coat.
"Obviously we'll need sustenance!" he laughs and then we're falling out the door together, taking the stairs two at a time and nearly killing ourselves in the process.
The trip to Peeta's is a daze, my body thrumming with the light touches and body heat that he overwhelms me with in the cab. I close my eyes to let it sink in through my skin, his breath on my collarbone and his fingers brushing across my knee. Though nothing really happens in the cab, when we finally step out onto the curb I'm more turned on than I can ever remember being.
Knowing that Peeta's been facing his demons, that before Finnick's death this intimacy would have been very different, makes my chest tighten with the depth of my feelings.
"I love you, Peeta Mellark," I whisper in his ear as we slowly undress in the dim light of his room.
"I love you too, Katniss Everdeen," he replies on a sigh, his breath burning across my skin.
We move together slowly, every touch, every sound, amplified as the distance between us closes. I try to focus on the now, tucking away the memories that circle from the last time we had sex and how difficult the time after was. As I lay Peeta back across the bed, sliding up against him and reaching for the drawer where he keeps his condoms, I press kisses to his hip, his waist, chest and fingers. This time I don't make him sheath himself, instead choosing to tear the foil packet and slide the latex over his shaft myself.
The moment is more than just an act of protection - Peeta letting me complete the task speaks volumes of his trust for me and his willingness to give in on things despite his need for control.
I push all thoughts from my mind though when I slide down upon him, our bodies joining in a slow dance. When I'm close, Peeta rises up and presses his thumb to my center, bringing me over the edge. As the tremors course through me, he moves us until I'm laying beneath him and he's thrusting quickly, his pace wonderfully jarring as it brings me back to the crest and then we're pulling each other over, our bodies melding as the orgasm takes us.
Afterwards, when Peeta rolls to his side to dispose of the condom, I chew my lip in anticipation of him leaving, preparing myself to handle it if he does once again leave to shower.
"What?" he asks when he turns back to me, his face falling slightly. I hadn't realized I'd been showing my fears.
"I just..." I trail off not wanting to say it. Peeta's hand comes to brush the stray hairs from my face, cupping my neck as it slides downward.
"I think, we'll be okay," he whispers and then he's kissing me hard and I feel like my chest is going to burst inside of me I'm so overwhelmed by my love for this man.
It's nearly 3am when we surface for air, my thoughts swirling around how this diagnosis for Prim which was once life-ending in my mind has lead me to this happy place that I never would have reached without it.
Yes, there have been losses and we've had to struggle, and it's been hard at some points, but we're still here and now I've got Peeta and Posi+ive and everyone else who has come into my life since that phone call from Prim. Something so negative has become a blessing in disguise and though there are surely hard times ahead, I know that I can face it because of the people I have around me. The people that Posi+ive gave me.
"I'm hungry," Peeta mumbles into my hair as the realization crashes over me. "Let's go make some toast."
AN: So. That's it. The end. I want to go cry in a corner. Opaque and I will just go shed some tears together.