[Chapter 21 : One Step Backwards, Two Forwards]

Ok guys, so in my story Olivia is about forty-three. You'll see why in my next stories that I'm planning. Please let me know if you are still reading this, I haven't had a comment for weeks, I just want to know if you still reading. Just a few more chapters to go!

Getting ready for work the next morning, Olivia felt happier than she had in weeks. Last night with Brian had done her more good than she realized. She felt confident that maybe things were improving. She had to remember to send Brian a text later to thank him. And she definitely had to pop into Cragen's office today and thank him for the advice he had given her before she left the office last night.

Olivia was still lost in thought when she exited her car at the parking garage at the precinct. She had been driving herself to work the last few days because while she was recovering she didn't use the car at all and she wanted to keep the engine running. As she turned to lock her door, she was pushed roughly back against the car from behind.

'If you want to live don't move.' He said as he unclipped her gun from her belt. At the same time she felt a blade at her throat.

This cannot be happening! Oh please, not again. Not now! She was finally getting herself together. Why hadn't she remembered not to park here after what she sensed last night! How stupid!

'Please, what do you want?' Olivia managed to croak out. It felt like her throat was constricting.

'You falsely accused me of a crime that I did not commit and then I lost everything. My job, my family and my house! It's all your fault!'

'I'm so sorry but everyone makes mistakes.'

'Yes, well some people's mistakes cost other people their lives!' He hissed.

Just then Fin and Amanda exited the elevator on their way to interview a victim. As they walked towards their car, Fin froze as he heard a familiar voice beg...

'Please, you don't have to do this. Just walk away. I haven't even seen your face. I don't have any way to know who you are. Please!'

By now Fin and Amanda had ducked behind a car to conceal their presence. Amanda had sent a text to both Nick and Cragen to explain what they were seeing. Fin and Amanda communicated with the rest of the crew via text and it was decided that they would surround Olivia and her attacker. It was dangerous. If he felt cornered he could hurt her but at this point it was their only option.

'Sir, you are surrounded. Let Detective Benson go.'

'No! She ruined my life. She has to pay.'

'You won't be able to get out of here.'

'How do I know that I'm surrounded? You might be alone.'

At that moment Nick, Fin, Amanda, Cragen, Munch and a few uniformed officers stood up from their positions and Olivia's attacker could see that Nick was telling the truth. He needed to think and fast.

'Okay, I'm going to surrender. Don't shoot.'

'Let Detective Benson go.'

'But then you can shoot me.'

'We won't if you let her go and put down the weapon.'

While Nick was negotiating with the gunman, Fin was trying to make eye contact with Olivia. Both he and Cragen had noticed the Olivia had gone silent and they suspected that it was not a good sign. She was been re-traumatized. Fin finally got into her line of sight and tried to communicate non-verbally. He held her gaze and made sure she could see him at all times. It was like they were in their own bubble. Her pupils were dilated with fear and Fin could only hope that she was not totally shutting down.

All of a sudden Olivia felt a push that propelled her away from her attacker. The momentum carried her half way across the floor towards Fin. The movement brought her back from her daze and she heard Fin calling her to him. She willed her legs to keep moving but it was as if she had no control of them. In that spilt second she knew she not going to reach Fin and braced herself for the fall.

Fin urged his members to move faster. She was unbalanced and he knew that she wouldn't reach him. He reached her just before her shoulders and head were going to hit the hard ground.

'I've got you Liv.' He breathed.

He turned her over so that he could see her face. As he did that he could feel how she was shaking and was drenched in sweat. Still on his knees, he wiped her hair out of her face and smiled down at her.

'Hey there.' He said tenderly.

'Liv?' said Cragen as he reached the two and knelt down.

She tried to respond but couldn't. She couldn't get enough air into her lungs. She tried grasping for air but it didn't help. Suddenly everything thing around her went black.

'Liv? Olivia?' She could hear her name being called in the distance. As she regained consciousness she heard the voice becoming clearer. She struggled to open her eyes.

'I think she's coming back to us. Olivia, it's Melinda. You are in the crib and you are safe.'

Olivia closed her eyes and trying to remember what had led her to be in this position. As Melinda put her hand gently on Olivia's arm, Olivia's eyes shot open and she recoiled away from her friend. 'Please don't. No.'

Fin and the Captain looked at each other with sadness and fear. Their thoughts both pondering how far back this would put Olivia in her recovery.

'Olivia, it's me. Melinda. You are in the crib and you are safe.' The doctor was desperately trying to ground her frightened friend.

'Melinda?'

'Yes, it's me. You can relax. You are safe.'

'Lewis?' She frowned.

'No, Liv. Another guy grabbed you in the parking garage downstairs. Remember?'

For a moment she did not respond. 'Can't remember. Why?'

'That's ok, Liv. You went into shock and fainted. Just take awhile to relax. We're here with you.'

'Brian?'

'Not here.'

'Want Brian.'

'Ok, we'll call him.'

And with that she turned her back to her companions and curled up into a ball.

Melinda stood up and walked over to the Captain. Fin had already exited the room to phone Brian.

'Will she be ok?'

'Honestly, Don. I can't answer that right now. We need Brian here before we lose her totally.'

'What? How? She's not hurt.'

'Physically no, but psychological and emotionally, she's very fragile.'

The two stood helplessly at the door waiting for Brian to arrive. Hoping that they would get the Olivia Benson they knew back.

It took Brian twenty minutes to get across town. Before he entered the room where she silently lay, he spoke to Cragen, and Melinda as well as Olivia's therapist over the phone. He was so close to tears but he knew he couldn't let them fall just yet. He had to reach Olivia first.

He slowly entered the half darkened room and softly spoke to the woman he loved more than he could ever think possible.

'Liv, its me. Brian. I'm here.'

Silence. He sat on the bed next to hers.

'Babe, you awake?'

'Yes.' Came a barely audible answer. His heart shattered yet again. She had worked and fought so hard to get her life back after Lewis. He was so proud of her. How could this be happening again? Why couldn't she catch a break? He knew one thing, he couldn't rush her. He would sit here for as long as it took.

'I'm here… And I'm not going anywhere.' Was all he could say at this point. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

After a few minutes Olivia spoke in a soft small voice that made her sound so vulnerable.

'Bri, I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm so incredibly tired. I've been fighting alone since I was five. Gosh, that's almost than forty years! Every time I get up life knocks me down again; my mother, my childhood, Calvin, Elliot, my attempts to adopt... The list just goes on! I want a life with you, I really want but I am so tired of fighting on my own. What if I lose you too…' She was now crying.

'Liv, I hear you. I was just sitting here, before you spoke, thinking that I don't think I've ever been prouder of anyone in my life. You deserve so much more than I can ever give you, and I don't even know where to start, but Liv if you allow me I really want to be on the Benson team. I don't want you to fight alone anymore bec…'

'Brian, I would like to believe that but I don't think I can offer you want you want. Not now.'

'What I want is to be a part of your life. Your world. To support you. Be with you. That's what I want.'

'And sex.' Olivia added.

'Sex?!'

'Yes, isn't that what you guys all want? If you can't get that you either get frustrated or you find someone else.'

Brian sat with his arms on his legs and his head hanging low. Now he understood why she pushed him away when she got back from Lewis. Could his heart break any further? He got off the bed which he was sitting on and knelt next to her trying to put the correct words in the right order. He had to make her understand.

'Liv, I know you hurting right now but I want you to see my face when I say this.'

Slowly she turned to face him. Her cheeks strained with tears.

'Liv, yes thirteen years ago we had a one night stand and yes, when we got together now again we started in the bedroom again. But I have had a lot of time to think in these last few months. And I want to do things differently.'

'Differently? What do you mean?'

'Liv, when Lewis had you,' Brian was struggling to keep his pose, 'I thought I'd never get you back. I started to think about how I would do it all differently if I had the chance and Liv, I now have that chance… that's if you'll give it to me.'

Liv remained silent. Brian took that as a sign to continue.

'I want us to do this the old fashion way. Olivia Benson I want to date you. I mean really date you. I want to take you out to dinners, movies, walks in the park. I want to get to know all your likes and dislikes, your faults, your dreams, your hopes. I want to get to know you. I think we should keep our own apartments. The next time we meet in the bedroom. I'd like you to have my name.'

They both were silent for a moment before Brain spoke again. 'One more thing, Liv. This has NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING, to do with any scar Lewis may have left on your body. This isn't about him anymore, this is about us, how I'd like to move forward.'

Brian had said it. Now he feared he would lose her all over again. He waited for the bomb to finally fall and finally break his heart.

Olivia lay on her back with her eyes closed. She couldn't believe what she had just heard! She looked down at him sitting on the floor at the bottom of her bed, his head bowed.

'Bri, are you serious?'

'I love you Liv, but yes.' He said looking at her eyes trying to search for any sign of what she was thinking.

'Can we still cuddled?' She said with a small smile.

'Oh yeah. I wouldn't make it otherwise.'

'Liv, is that a yes?' He was starting to feel excited.

'Bri.' She turned to him with fresh tears in her eyes. 'I wanted to have a relationship with you so badly but… you've said…..is that what you meant with the card that was with the flowers?'

'Yes, Liv. Yes.'

'Brian Cassidy, when did you grow up on me?'

'When I almost lost you a second time!'

'You've said the words every woman wants to hear. Let's go walking, Mr. Cassidy.'

Brian smiled. Picked up her hand and kissed it.

'Bri, before we go, can you lie here and just hold me?'

Brian let his actions speak for him. He stood up, kicked off his shoes, and gently took her in his arms and held her. He could feel her slowly relaxing as he held her. After a few minutes, he found her asleep in his arms. He was happy.

Cragen couldn't wait any longer. They had been up there for two hours. He had to know what was happening. He walked up to the door and found it closed. He debated his next move. She was the closest thing he had to family. He gently opened the door and allowed his eyes to adjust. When he did eventually see, he saw two figures lying still on the same bed. That could only mean one thing. Olivia Benson had let him in. Cragen let out a sigh of relief.