[Chapter 22 : Accepting A Hand ]

Olivia stirred.

'You're still here?'

'I told you I'm not going anywhere.'

'How long was I asleep?'

'Um, a bit more than an hour.'

Olivia tried to sit up. She winced as she did.

'Liv, whats wrong?'

'Guess I hurt my ribs again when I fell.'

'Do you want to see a doctor?'

'Thanks but no thanks. I probably just bruised them again. They were still a bit tender at times.'

'Ok, if you sure. Liv, I was thinking while you were asleep. How would you feel about seeing Dr. Carter later today?'

'Guess it has been a rough day. Probably a good idea.'

'Liv, when Fin phoned me earlier and told me what had happened, I was unsure what to say, so I phoned her for advice just on how to approach you, nothing else I swear. What I said was all me. I promise.'

'Bri, relax. I believe you.'

'You do?'

'Yes, you gave me the card last night remember?'

'Oh yeah. I just didn't want you to think th…'

Now it was her turn to sit down next to him. 'Bri stop. I actual think it was a good idea to speak to her. I mean you've been so patient with me all these weeks. It can't be easy having this happen to your girlfriend.'

'I just want you to be okay, Liv.'

'Bri, I'll phone her and see if I can make an appointment for later if she has space. But…'

'But what? Talk to me, babe.'

'Would you be willing to have a few sessions with her? I want you to be okay too. Time will come when we sit and talk about what happened while I was with him. I want to tell you before the court case. But I want you to be okay when I tell you… I want to know you can cope.'

'Liv, I normally would say no but I agree. Maybe it's a good idea.'

'Thanks Bri. Now I think I need to go downstairs and face the team.'

'I got someone to cover the rest of my shift so why don't I run some errands and you let me know when I can pick you up.'

'Sounds good.'

'Liv, I am so proud of you. We will make it through this.'

They hugged before going downstairs.

Nick saw Olivia walk down the stairs with Brian behind her. It had been about three hours since they'd carried her upstairs.

'Hey Liv.'

'Hey guys. Listen, um, I want to thank you all for having my back this morning.'

'That's what partners do.' Nick replied.

'Yeah baby girl. We weren't going to let you go anywhere this time.' Fin added

'He didn't stand a chance Liv.' Amanda chipped in.

'Liv, you are ours. No one takes our girl.' Munch came across to give her a hug. 'I'm just so sorry we took so long last time.' He whispered into her ear.

'Now look what you've all done. You've made me cry AGAIN!'

Hugs were given all round and even Brian was given a few handshakes.

Cragen stood against the wall watching. As Olivia gave out her last hug, she escaped the circle, walked towards him and hugged him.

'They are right you know. There was no way he was leaving with you. He had to get past me first.'

'Thanks dad.' She whispered.

Brian walked past them. 'Call me, okay?' Cragen looked confusingly between the two.

'I will. Thanks Bri.'

'Liv, can we step into my office?'

'Sure.'

'Take a seat.'

Olivia gently lowered herself into the seat. Something that didn't go unnoticed by her superior officer.

'Sore?'

'A bit. Guess I hurt my ribs again when I fell.'

Cragen sighed. 'Why didn't you go with Brian?'

Olivia leant forward, put her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands.

Cragen waited for her to regain her composure.

Finally she brought her head up so that she faced him. 'I guessed we would have some things to clear up before I could leave.'

Cragen nodded. 'He's coming to pick you up?'

'Yeah.'

'Okay, let's get busy so you can get out of here. Firstly, are you sure you don't need medical attention?'

'No Capt. Melinda took a look at me. I'm good.'

'We have the guy in custody. Seems like he was a suspect in an investigation, he was cleared but by then his work colleagues, friends, and the like got whiff of the investigation and decided where there is smoke there's fire.'

'Crap. Did I lead the investigation?'

'Yes, but you did everything by the book.'

'But the damage was done.'

'He's going to plead guilty to assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer so don't worry about a trial.'

Olivia gave her captain a forced smile.

'Liv, I need to ask you the question.' He paused for a moment before continuing knowing she hated the question. 'Are you okay?' He was expecting her standard answer of 'I'm fine.' But none came. He prompted her again, 'Liv?'

She looked at him and her face said it all, no she wasn't.

'What are your plans for the rest of the day?'

'I promised Brian I'd see Dr Carter.'

'And are you going to make good on it?'

'I need to Cap. For him and...' She paused. 'For me. I can't do this alone.' Her voice sounded vulnerable.

The Captain came around his desk and knelt next to her. 'Liv, just tell me what you need. I want to help.'

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. 'Thanks.'

'Why don't you go make that phonecall.'

'Capt. I can do the necessary paperwork while I wait.'

'Okay but take it easy. Please. And let me know how you get on.'

'What about IA?'

'I'll call them and see if they can wait till tomorrow.'

'Okay.'

As Olivia sat down at her desk, she was glad Nick wasn't sitting opposite her. She hated that she needed to ask for help. For so long she had gone through life on her own that it was difficult to admit that she was now at the point where she felt she couldn't fight alone anymore. But she didn't want to give up. She had to fight on. She picked up the phone and dialled the number.

'Dr Carter's office.' Came the receptionist voice down the line.

'Hi Sheryl. It's Olivia Benson.'

'Oh hi Olivia.'

'I know it's not my scheduled day to have a session with Dr Carter but I was wondering if she had an opening today?'

'Ah yes. She mentioned you might call. We have a slot open at 1pm. Is that ok?'

'Yes, thanks. I can make it.'

'Okay, good. We'll see you in an hour and a half then.'

'Thanks Sheryl. See you in a bit.'

Olivia put the receiver down and congratulated herself for reaching out. She picked up her mobile and typed a text to Brian.

'Hey. Got in with Dr Carter at 1pm. Can you fetch me at 12:30? Liv'

Almost immediate the reply came through.

'Hi. Yeah sure. See you in a while. Love u. B'

'Thanks. Appreciate it. Lv u 2. Liv'

She put her phone down and started type out her report from this morning. Her attempts to focus on work didn't last long. Her mind soon took her back to recent events, only this time the event from the parking garage was mixed with Lewis' attack and the assault she experienced while she was undercover in the women's prison.

'One moved and lights out.' The man behind her said. She looked in the direction where she'd seen Fin standing but now it wasn't Fin there but Lewis. She turned to look at Nick and he had turned into the guy she almost hit in the alley a few weeks ago when he unexpectedly approached her from a dark alley when she was on her way home. Amanda, she has to be there. Olivia looked in her direction and saw Harris, the prison guard who assaulted her while she was undercover.

Fin looked up from his work and saw something was wrong with Olivia. She was frozen, her face was paling and her breathes were short and fast. He moved towards her. He knew he had to pull her out from where she was but he wasn't sure how to do that without scaring her witless.

'Liv.' No answer. He sat down on the chair beside her desk.

'Olivia.' If he didn't reach her soon she was going to pass out.

'Detective Benson!' He said loudly.

This time she not only reacted but jumped at his voice. In the process she hit her knees against her desk and almost knocked her keyboard off the desk. She was looking straight at him but her breathing was still rapid.

'Liv. Slow your breathing down. Come breath with me. In, out, in, out.' Fin sat there with her for a few minutes until her breathing evened out. Just as Fin thought things were heading in the right direction, Olivia turned, got up, and walked away. She headed back to the crib. Fin couldn't help but follow her. Once he reached the crib he saw her sitting on a bed with her back to the door.

'Go away, Fin.'

'Liv, no. I am not going to.'

'Please Fin.' She begged.

'Sorry Liv. I love you too much to turn away now.'

'Fin, please! I'm so embarrassed!'

'Embarrassed! Why?!'

'Because I can't pull myself together. I am Detective Olivia Benson and I can't get my crap together!'

He sat down next to her and spoke softly. 'Olivia, listen to me. A few days ago you were leading an elite team of detectives on a case. You helped find a ten-year old girl and bring her home to her parents. You identified the killer of her friend. You did a wonderful job. You and Brian seem to be getting back on track. Don't tell me you are not getting your 'crap' together.'

'I just don't know Fin. Its seems like I'm just going backwards.'

'Liv, today was an awful day. Don't judge your recovery by today. Anyone would be thrown by what happened.'

She gave him half a smile. 'Thanks Fin.'

'Anytime.'

'No, I mean thank you for not letting me push you away.'

'We're family. You are stuck with me whether you like it or not.' He said smiling.

'Oh boy! It that the time! Brian will be here in a few and I haven't done my reports.'

Fin and Olivia walked but to the squadroom but instead of going to her desk, she went to knock on Captain Cragen's door.

'Come in.' He said without looking up.

'Bad time?'

'No Olivia. Sorry. No matter how hard I try I just can't keep up with this paperwork.'

'I can come back, Cap.' She still stood in the doorway.

'Liv, stay. Please.'

'Um, I just came to say I didn't get the paperwork from this morning done.' She now walked to the middle of the room. 'My mind…'

'Not on the job?' He interrupted.

'Um… Sorry.'

'Liv, did you really think I expected you to complete your paperwork today?'

'I don't want to be a 'dead weight' around here.'

'Liv, do you really think that one rough day makes you 'dead weight'?'

'I've had a lot of time off recently.'

'Time off that you earned and deserved. Every hour!'

'But…'

'Olivia. You have work on this unit for 15 years. You've worked so much overtime over the years I've had to get creative to hide your hours from 1PP. If you have to slow down for a few weeks that's fine.'

'You got creative?'

'Well, you work more hours every month than you are actually allowed to.' Cragen said smiling. 'You could actually take about six to eight weeks off before I run out of hours for you!'

This got a laugh out of Olivia. 'Really? That much?'

'You'd be helping me.' He laughed.

'Cap, what if I took that during the next few months? Not all at once.'

'Am I hearing the great Detective Benson asking for time off?'

She sighed and take took a seat at Cragen's desk. 'Yes, you are.' She paused. 'Cap, before I came in this morning I made a mental note to come and thank you for what you said last night. I took your advice and last night was very special. Brian and myself went out, had a lovely dinner and we did a lot of talking both at the restaurant and at my place. He really wants to take it slow, and give me time to heal. Cap, he said what I needed him to say.'

'Liv, I'm happy.'

'Yeah. Um… I'll need some time off for the trial, I don't think that I'll be able to work during it. And then…'

'Then what, Liv?'

'When I was off after Lewis, I had to stay here. I had doctor's appointments, therapy…' She paused. A look of shame came across her face. 'I was …scared…' She paused again, composed herself and came back stronger. 'I've been thinking it might be nice to get out of town for awhile.'

'Olivia Benson on holiday. That has a good ring to it.'

'You think?'

'Yeah Liv.'

'I don't want to leave you hanging Cap. I mean if anything, this last case showed me that I want to be here. I still have it in me to be part of this unit. But when I was sitting writing my report, my thoughts went back to the carpark and he is behind me. I look at Fin and he becomes Lewis. Nick becomes… Amanda becomes Harris.'

'Liv, you are recovering from a trauma, your brain is trying to rationalize things, work through things, cope. You may not see it but you have come a long way. And I'm so proud.'

Olivia lets out a chuckle.

'And now?'

'Bri, said those same words 'I'm so proud' to me up in the crib earlier. Haven't heard them a lot in my life.'

'That's a pity. You deserve to hear them. I think he has just walked in to the bullpen.'

'I have an appointment with Dr Carter at 1pm.'

'Liv, that's excellent. Why don't you get out of here and I'll see you on Monday.'

'Monday? Today is Thursday, Cap.'

'I know. And I will see you bright and early on Monday.'

'Thanks Captain.'

'Call if you need me Olivia.'

'I will.'