[Chapter 26 : Blame ]

A few minutes later Brian found Olivia staring into space as she stood in the kitchen supposedly making them tea.

'Liv?' he said quietly as he approached her. 'Olivia?'

'Oh, sorry.' She said as she quickly went back to the task she was meant to be doing.

'Where you go?'

'Thinking. Remembering.'

He came close to her and just held her from the back. She leant into him.

'Bri. That conversation we had the other night. Can we finish it?'

'Liv, you've had a full and emotional day. Do you think it's the right time?'

'I feel there's never a 'right time' but today I started to remember things and I feel I need to measure what I remember with someone's memories to sort out fact from fiction. And I…'

'You what Liv?'

'I feel safe with you.' She said quietly.

Brian took the cups from the counter and gave her a half smile.

'Then let's go sit.'

It took him a few moments before he remember where he'd left off. He took her hand and allowed him to snuggle close to him. She could feel his warmth and breathing as they both went back to a difficult day.

It was still a few hours before Dr Madison finished with Olivia. By the time they had finished the rape exam, cleaned the wounds, stitched her up, and set her broken wrist, Olivia was utterly exhausted.

'Olivia.' Came Dr Madison's voice as she moved closer to Olivia's bed. 'We are done. I've organised a single room for you on the ward and Mary will take you up to your room.

'Thank you.' Came a quiet whisper. Olivia was struggling to keep her eyes open.

'Once you are settled upstairs we will put you on a drip to rehydrate you some more, ok?'

All Olivia could do was a gentle nod.

'Olivia, how's your pain?' Dr Madison was so gentle now. She could see that this woman had nothing more left in her.

'Okay.'

'Do you want some pain relief?'

Suddenly as if an electric bolt had gone through her, Olivia's eyes shot open. 'No more tablets! I can't… just can't.'

'Olivia, relax. We won't force you to take anything you don't want to. I promise. We can talk about it later.'

Olivia's body started to relax.

Mary and Melinda helped to get her into a wheelchair and up to the private room that had been organized for Olivia. As soon as she felt the soft bed and Melinda pulled the covers over her, the last bit of energy in Olivia's body left her and she drifted off into the first restful sleep she'd had for more than four and a half days.

With Olivia asleep, Melinda slowly walked towards the waiting room where the squad and Brian was waiting. On her way she found a chair in the doctor's lounge and sat down. She knew the guys would be eager to get an update from her but she needed a minute or two before she faced them. She felt like she needed to be the strong professional doctor in front of them but right now she couldn't be that. Melinda had know Olivia since the day Olivia walked into the squad fifteen years ago. She had watched Olivia change from a green rookie to one of the most experienced SVU detective that the medical examiner had ever worked with, but more than that Olivia had become a close friend. When the detective had returned from an undercover stint in the women's prison and had helped the victim to remember that the guard had a mole on his private parts, Melinda was scared for her friend. She knew that some sort of attack had happened and when she questioned Olivia the detective said that it had been the closest she had ever come to be raped. Melinda had watched her friend struggle through her PTSD after that attack and pull through. Her heart dropped to her stomach, when Melinda thought of the current situation Olivia was in and how hard she would have to work to put this behind her. After a few minutes, Melinda ran her hands over her face, took a deep breath before standing up and walking out to meet her friends.

In the waiting the air was thick with tension. Each of the people that was waiting for news on Olivia were blaming themselves and the role they had played in the situation. Amanda was sitting in the corner playing with a coin. She had been the one who had brought this case into the squad. She had been jogging with her dog in the park on her day off when she had heard two girls scream. As she approached them they told her that he had flashed them and she arrested him and took him in. If only she had not gone jogging at that time, or on that route, they might not be in this situation.

Next to Amanda sat Nick. He carried so much self-inflicted blame in this situation. Firstly, he was Olivia's partner. It was his job to have her back and when she needed him the most, he had failed! He had also been in the interrogation with Olivia as they tried to get Lewis to admit to raping those other women. They knew that because Olivia was a woman she could get under Lewis' skin. As Olivia was taunting him in an effort to get him to confess, Nick stood in the corner watching, doing nothing. Why had he allowed Olivia to get so far under his skin that Lewis decided to get his revenge on his partner? Then there was the fact that Nick had let Olivia go home alone when he knew Lewis was a free man roaming the streets, that he hadn't checked on her the whole weekend, and the pathetic fact that he could not find his partner when she was missing! The weight of what happened to Olivia hung very heavily on Nick's shoulders.

Fin hadn't sat down for very long since arriving at the hospital. He kept pacing the room. The others had long since given up asking him to sit down. He was Olivia's big brother if she ever had one. He had stepped up for her so many times, even more than she knew, and now he had let this happen. How could he had missed this! He kicked a chair in anger. For a second time he had let Olivia down when she was in trouble. The first time being when he was her backup when she was undercover in the women's prison. He would never forgive himself for this time. But he also had made the resolution within himself that he would do anything that Olivia needed to get herself to stand firm again.

Munch. He had thought he had seen it all in his twenty plus years on the force. He sat in his chair numb. He couldn't feel any emotion. He felt like all his training and experience had counted for nothing when he really needed to perform. It was then, right there in that waiting room that day, that Munch started to plan his exit from the force.

The man in the last chair was totally overwhelmed. He kept a straight face but he was crumbling inside. The woman being treated was not only his detective but the closest thing he had to family. He had coached her for the last fifteen years. He was the one who, without either person ever saying anything, had slowly become the father figure she had never had. He had watched her develop into this amazing strong, dedicated, passionate detective. Someone who could bring down the toughest criminals yet be soft, supportive and gentle with their youngest victims. Victim… that word now had an even more bitter taste in his mouth. She was now one.

Suddenly, Munch heard sobs coming from the man next to him. Munch was too shocked to move.

As he sat with his head in his hands, Captain Cragen could not keep it together any longer. She had put her life in his hands for so many years. Why hadn't he seen how fixated Lewis had become on her? How could he have missed it! He, not anyone else, had sent her home and told her to take two days off. He was the reason she went home. He was the reason why no one had missed her for two whole days. If he hadn't said that he would have known something was wrong when she didn't arrive for work the next day, determined to find a way to put Lewis away. He had failed her as a Captain and as a father.

Brian, much like Fin, was leaning up against the wall, unable to sit still until he saw her. He felt totally isolated from the rest of Olivia's squad. He would give anything, anything right now to undo his actions of a few days ago. He was meant to get together with Olivia on the night Lewis took her hostage but instead he decided to take another shift and when he couldn't get hold of her, he just left her a voicemail. If he had followed through with their plans someone would have known she was in trouble before most of the attack had happened. Brian didn't know how he would ever apologize to her. He had decided, in the time she had been missing, that she was the woman he wanted to spend his life with and if he had another chance with her he would take every opportunity to apologize to her and help her rebuild her life again.

It was at this point that Melinda walked into the waiting room. Immediately everyone's attention was on her.

'How is she?' Brian asked.

'Finally asleep. Let's sit.'

Once they were all seated Melinda leant forward, putting her elbows on her knees, and slowly started to speak.

'She's broken.' Was all she could say at that point.

Captain Cragen saw that the last few hours had totally drained Melinda. While they had sat around waiting for word, Melinda had been the one supporting Olivia, holding her up in a sense.

'Melinda, take it slow. I would personally like to thank you for being with Liv today. I couldn't think of anyone better to have with her than you.'

Melinda took a deep sigh and began to inform them of everything that had done.

'After we did the forensic part, we ask Liv if she needed a rape kit done.' Melinda took a deep breath and hung her head low. 'She said couldn't say whether he raped her or not because of the times she was unconscious. So we did a kit. It was negative.'

Everyone in the room took a deep breath.

'But what he did do was awful. I could just see it in her eyes. She didn't speak much throughout the whole time we were treating her so I don't have much to tell you guys. But if her invisible scars are anything like those we treated…. I know Olivia is strong but this…. We might not get the old Olivia back. Apart from the psychological scars, she has burn marks, cuts, bruises, two broken ribs, and a broken wrist.' Melinda stopped for a minute allowing everything to sink in.

'Melinda, I sense there's something else.' Cragen prodded after a few minutes of silence.

'Um… He kept her drugged a lot of the time, and we know he also forced alcohol down her. So she's having a real problem taking the pain medication she needs now. I think it's not only the action of swallowing the pills but also how they make her feel. At the moment she is so exhausted that she doesn't feel the pain but I'm really worried about her pain level when she wakes up.

'Has she taken anything now?' Brian asked.

'No. She said she couldn't and we didn't want to force her. Not so soon after… Even if we can give her some through her IV when she wakes, it will make her feel out of it. The same feeling she had with him and that could trigger flashbacks and so on. I'm going to speak to her doctor and see if there isn't something that we can give her to help with the pain without the feeling of being in a haze.'

'Ok, thank you Melinda. What can we do to help right now?' Cragen asked.

'Well, she is asleep right now and I'm hoping it will stay that way for a few hours. She desperately needs rest. It might be a good idea that one of us is always with her for the next day or so. Someone who can bring her back to the present when she wakes up after a nightmare or flashback. Just speak to her and be there if she needs anything. It might also help to bring a few of her personal things and have that in her room here. I'm guessing they will keep her in for about two days or so.'

'Fin and I can go and get some of her stuff. We'll phone Internal Affairs so we can gain access to her apartment.' Amanda offered.

'Great. Thanks Amanda. Brian, can you make a list of anything that you think she'll want or that will make her feel safe.' Melinda turned to Brian.

He nodded. He had been silent since Melinda started to tell the team of Olivia's injuries, except for the one question about the pain medication.

'I'm staying.' Brian suddenly said.

'Ok, I'll stay too.' Cragen added.

'I'll be resting in the doctor's lounge and will ask that someone comes and finds me when she wakes up.' Melinda answered.

'Well, I guess that means Nick and I are going home.' Munch stated.

'I don't know.' Nick replied.

Melinda put her hand on Nick's arm. 'Go home Nick. We have her tonight. She'll need you in the morning.'

Nick nodded.

The team slowly dispersed. They all knew it would be a long night and no one would be getting a good night's rest.