Any recognizable characters or places are the sole property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended. This plot, however, is all mine.
SPOV
I was just draining the water from the spaghetti when the doorbell rang. I'd been so worried about Carlos all day. I know my first session had been emotionally exhausting and my problems were not nearly as severe as his. Alex was sitting on the floor building block towers so I left him to it and hurried to open the door.
"Hey, come on in. Holy moly, it's freezing!" I shivered against the gust of wind that blew in with him and quickly shut the door.
"Hi. Here this is for you." He held out a small potted jasmine bush. "I wanted to say thank-you for all you've done for me."
"Oh! You didn't have to do that! Thank-you. Hang your coat up and come in to the kitchen." I scooted in to the kitchen, slightly worried at the lack of noise, but Alex was still sitting where I left him, happily building away. I scooped him up and turned to introduce them.
"Alex, this is Carlos. Say hi, baby."
"Hi." He chirped.
"Carlos, I know you've met before, but that was a while ago, this is my little guy, Alex." He smiled down at my boy.
"Hey Alex. You got so big since the last time I saw you! Can you high five?" He held his palm out towards him and Alex slapped it with his little pudgy hand. Carlos shook his hand like it stung. "You are so strong little man!" Alex started giggling like mad, making us laugh too. No one was immune from that giggle. I probably have an hour's worth of recordings on my phone of that laugh alone.
I looked up at the lieutenant and couldn't help but notice the difference from the incredibly tense man that showed up at my door before dawn this morning and the one standing in my kitchen laughing and making funny faces at my son tonight. I kind of hated that every time I saw him I found something more attractive about him. Right now his broad smile revealed perfect, white teeth and tiny crinkles around his eyes. It was such a genuine smile and it was incredibly heartwarming to see real happiness in his face. He looked at me and we locked eyes for a second before I turned away and popped Alex into his high chair, trying to convince myself that I wasn't just staring at this man with a whole lot of…admiration.
"Um, go ahead and have a seat." He went to sit right next to Alex. "Oh! You might want to sit on the other side of the table. He's a bit of a messy eater." Alex and spaghetti, while entertaining to watch, took a while to clean up after.
"This is fine." He assured me. I picked up the little plant and smelled the delicate flowers.
"This is lovely, thank-you again, it's one of my favorites." I said setting it in the windowsill over the sink.
"I'm glad you like it."
I put everything in serving bowls and turned to set them on the table only to find Carlos right in front of me.
"Here let me help you." He took the two bowls out of my hands, his fingers brushing against mine. I felt my cheeks blaze and turned away so he wouldn't see and grabbed the garlic bread out of the oven.
Get a grip Stephanie!
I counted to ten in my head and turned back toward the table.
I wanted so badly to ask him how his appointment went today, but I was going to follow his lead. If he brought it up, then I'd feel like it was okay to broach the subject. He was more relaxed right now than I'd ever seen him, I didn't want to ruin that for him. I grabbed some plates and set about cutting up a meatball for Alex while Carlos kept him entertained.
"So, what else did you do today?" He asked me breaking off his banter with Alex.
"Oh nothing spectacular, errands, food shopping. Took a snuggly nap with this little guy here." I said chucking Alex's chin. He was too busy shoving pieces of meatball in his mouth to break his stride though. "How about you?" There, that was asking without asking right?
"Well, I had that appointment. Then I went home and just hung around for a while, got some work done. I took one day off this week and you wouldn't believe the backlog." He said shaking his head. He really was pretty good at changing the subject.
Okay, hint taken Carlos.
"He can really put food away, huh?" He was watching Alex eat with wide-eyed amazement.
"Wait till you see him with cookies! That's what I made for dessert. The way he's growing, he's going to be huge I think." Alex was already in the 95th percentile for height and weight.
"Anthony was about my height right? He's probably going to be big like him." Hearing him say Ant's name felt like someone had dumped a pitcher of ice water on me.
"Yeah…yes." I said quietly.
We sat in silence for a while then. The only noises coming from my hungry boy, chattering away, oblivious to the hideous shame I was feeling right now.
Why does this have to be so fucking hard? It's been two years since he passed away. Why do I feel guilty that I'm attracted to someone else? There, I thought it. I actually find another man appealing. That has to be a sign that I'm getting out of my funk, right?
"Hey." I jumped when I felt him touch my hand. "You okay?" I pulled my hand away and refocused on my still full plate.
"Yep. Why?"
"You're not eating. This is delicious by the way." He scooped up a forkful. He made an overly blissful face when he popped it in his mouth, making me chuckle.
I relaxed a bit after that. I even let myself enjoy the fact that there was a non-relative at our table. Most of our visitors were family, or friends that were so close I considered them sisters.
Carlos turned out to be good company, once I blocked out those voices in my head. He told me about growing up in a house full of kids in Newark. He was the oldest of five and had been chief babysitter when his parents weren't home, which explained his natural ease with Alex. We talked about college and why we chose our careers. He really was like a different person than he was just this morning. He still looked tired and a bit haunted, but the way the conversation flowed was just…easy.
"Would you like to wait down here while I get this messy one cleaned up, or did you have to get going?" Alex was wearing more spaghetti and bits of cookie than he got in his mouth. This was definitely an 'only a bath can fix this' kind of mess.
"Yeah. I'd like to talk to you about some other things…if that's okay?"
"Of course, let me just dunk him in the tub and we'll be right back."
I gave the monkey a quick wash and dry and hurried back downstairs with the clean smelling boy in his jammas. Carlos was sitting on the couch with his head back on the cushions and his eyes closed. At first I thought he was asleep, but he rolled his head in my direction when I stepped on a squeaky floorboard. I set Alex down by his toy box and sat in what was becoming our regular seating arrangement. I pulled my feet up and tucked them underneath me and cleared my throat.
"What else did you want to talk about?"
"I…uh, checked out some of the suggestions that the therapist made today. She is pretty easy to talk to by the way." I nodded my head in encouragement. "The one, Wounded Warrior Project, they contacted me back right away. There's this weekend retreat that they do, some therapeutic thing. They're having one next weekend. I think I'm going to go." He said a bit uneasily.
I reached over and touched his hand. "I think that's a really good idea Carlos." He just nodded.
"They help out in other ways too, we're going to talk more about that when I come back." He took a deep breath. "I'm going to go to Maryland next month for the other thing she suggested. It's a group that provides assistance dogs to permanently disabled veterans. But they have guys like me, you know with uh…PTSD…raise them. They just had a litter and they want me to come there to see if it'll be a good fit."
"A puppy?" He smiled widely and nodded.
"That'll be amazing! You'll have to bring it here so he or she can meet Alex. He loves animals!"
"Yeah? You'd be okay with that? With me coming here again."
"I meant it when I said I wanted you to come over. You can come here whenever you want." Alex got tired of his toys and toddled over to us with a picture book in his hand and climbed up next to Carlos. He put it in Carlos' lap and said, "book?" Giving Carlos his big blue eyed stare. "Read?"
"You want me to read to you?" He looked from Alex to me for permission. I smiled and nodded.
"Go ahead, that seems to be his favorite right now." He flipped the cover open and Alex clapped and snuggled into his side.
"He's not shy is he?" Carlos said with a grin.
"Nope, never."
"Read!" Alex slapped the first page of the board book and looked up sweetly at him.
"Alex." He looked over at me. "Say please."
"Pease?" I covered my mouth so he wouldn't see me laughing and looked at Carlos. He looked equally amused. I was struck again by how different he looked. The animation on his face was so…he really was very, very good looking. He held my eyes for a second before giving his focus back to Alex. They read together for a while, with Alex naming some of his favorite items pictured on the pages, they had very quickly struck up a sweet little friendship.
By 7:30 Alex was starting to get droopy. I hated to break up their reading session, but if I let Alex sit up any longer he'd get over-tired and cranky.
"Alright you two, little man needs to get bed." I stood and bent over to pick him up. In the process my cheek brushed against Carlos' and I could feel his breath in my ear, making my heart thump wildly. I pulled back slightly and got trapped in his gaze again, inches from his face. So close I could smell his soap.
"Mama!" Alex's voice snapped me out of my trance. Flustered, I pulled the baby closer and tried to will my racing pulse back to normal.
"I…uh…I'll be back in a minute. Okay?" He cleared his throat and nodded slightly.
"Yeah…sure."
I practically ran from the room, up the stairs and into the bathroom.
"Okay baby, let mommy brush your teeth." I said as I loaded his toothbrush up, still breathing erratically.
What the hell was that?
I got him settled in his crib, sang his song and kissed him goodnight. As I pulled his door closed I looked at his father's framed medal hanging on the wall. I closed my eyes in anticipation of the weight of the now familiar guilt I felt around the lieutenant, but when it did come it was lighter than it had been just two hours before.
He was pulling on his jacket as I came downstairs. I was surprised to feel a little sad that he was leaving already.
"I should let you get some rest. You must be tired from my sorry ass waking you up in the middle of the night."
"Don't say things like that! For the tenth time, I want you to come here or call if you need me. There's no reason to try to muddle through on your own." I took a deep breath and thought really hard before I said what I had to say next.
Do I trust him enough?
Yes…I really, really do.
"Umm…I'm going to show you where I leave the spare key, just in case you have another…dream, like you did this morning. I mean, my couch is pretty comfy."
"Wow, that's really…wow. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with though, Stephanie."
"Believe me, that's not my style. If I didn't think it would be okay, I wouldn't do it. Just text me or something if you do come in here. I don't want to have a heart attack thinking someone's breaking in!"
"Thank-you. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has done for me. I hope I don't have to use it though." He said with a soft smile.
"Me too. Now let me know when you get home?"
"I will. Find something for me to fix on Tuesday night, that's my next appointment. Is that okay? Around 7:00?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
He stepped closer. "Thank-you for tonight. I had a good time." His hand reached hesitantly out and slid into my hair to cradle the back of my head and he pulled my face closer. For one heart-stopping second his eyes flicked to my mouth and I drew in a sharp breath. He kissed me softly on the forehead and gently tugged me in to a tight hug. The warmth that exploded in my body was incredibly unnerving. I had to bite my lip to keep quiet. He released me after a few beats.
"Here I'll show you where the key is." I tried to sound like I was unaffected by his affection, but didn't think I totally pulled it off.
"Okay…yeah." He followed me outside and I pointed out the fake rock mixed with real ones around the side of the porch.
"It's the bluish one right there. Can you see it?" He was standing close enough behind me that I could feel the heat radiating from his body and I knew if I turned around, I'd do something stupid.
"Yes, I see it." He said quietly. "You should get inside. It's freezing out here." He rubbed his hands up and down my arms and the tiny moan I let out at his touch was, thankfully, swallowed up by the wind whipping around us. I shivered and made my way up the steps, stopping at the door. He was still standing in the driveway looking deep in thought. I waved and he snapped out of it, smiling that soft smile and waving back. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me, watching him drive away through the glass. I turned and leaned back against the door. Stunned that I was so physically aware of him that I could still feel his fingers in my hair.
AN: If you're having a crappy day, do a youtube search for 'Best Babies Laughing Video Compilation'…Better than Zoloft!
Please let me know what you thought of this. This is the first time I'm writing a slow burn and I don't want to drag it out too much. They're both a little fragile yet to jump into anything though.
EA xoxo