SPOV

My power had come back on before Carlos had left Wednesday night. I'm fairly certain that he would have bodily picked me and Alex up and carried us out to his car, kidnapping us for the night, had it not. We chatted on the phone Thursday and I invited him for dinner, but he refused, saying that he didn't want me to get sick of the sight of him. If only he knew just how much I enjoyed looking at him! I don't think I could get sick of him.

And don't even get me started on waking up sprawled on him the other day. I'd always thought it was intensely amusing and a little bit arousing when Anthony had an automatic erection just because it was the morning. Feeling Carlos, rock hard, through his sweats wasn't the tiniest bit amusing. It was like a lightning bolt of lust shot straight through me. My hand had been laying dangerously low on his stomach and one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do was to jump up off that couch before my hand could continue two more inches south and investigate inside his pants. It had been so long since I'd touched a man that way, the idea of it was nearly intoxicating. Fortunately the frigid air in my living room cooled my ardor substantially and I started shivering almost instantly. Seeing that warm, sweet man hold the blanket up for me and usher me back to his side all while holding my child would have melted me if I wasn't frozen nearly solid.

It felt so good to slip back under the covers and lie next to his deliciously warm body, especially when he opened his sweatshirt and pulled me even closer. Feeling his large hand settle on my hip had me warming pretty quickly, even if I joked to the contrary. Then when he said, "Oh, I think I can warm you up, babe." My heart started pounding, especially when I saw the truth behind the joke right in his eyes. It was all I could do not to straddle him right then and there. Thankfully Alex chose that moment to wake and saved me from making a fool of myself. Although, when the lieutenant managed to extricate himself from our huddle on the couch, I couldn't help but notice his erection hadn't abated. It made me wonder if it really was a morning problem or a me problem. I wasn't stupid, I could feel his eyes on me sometimes. There had been so many charged moments with him in this last week and he seemed just as eager to touch me as I was with him. I'd had plenty of guy friends in my life and I'd never had the constant urge to touch them like I did with him. The last couple of times he'd been over. I'd noticed I wasn't happy if he wasn't right there, within arm's reach.

Speaking of guy friends, ugh…Joe. When Joe showed up I had been so happy to see him. He and I had been friends for as long as Anthony and I had been together, but his nasty attitude and ugly insinuations had made me angrier with him as I'd ever been. I've never wanted to punch someone so much as when he asked, "Did he sleep over?" in that snotty insinuating tone.

I replied, "That's none of your business!" Already riled from his posturing in the living room.

"Moving on with one of his squad-mates? Kinda fucked up don't you think?" He had muttered.

"How dare you!" I yelled. Seriously, what the fuck? "What do you want Joe? Should I pine away for the rest of my life?" I asked through clenched teeth. If this was indicative of the reaction I could expect if I started seeing someone, I didn't know if I had the strength to do it. He deflated with my question and blew out a sigh.

"No, you should be happy Steph. I just always thought that you and me…" Oh no! That would be so wrong. "You know what? Never mind. I have to get back to work."

He turned away from me and made to leave the kitchen.

"Joe wait." He stopped with his back to me. "You know I love you. You've been like a brother to me since we were kids. But, I don't feel like that towards you. I'm sorry." He nodded and continued towards the front door, never turning back to look at me. His stooped, defeated posture adding some more guilt onto my pile. Just when it was starting to dwindle too. Although in this case, my reaction wouldn't change. There was no way I could ever feel anything romantic towards Joe. For one, he looked almost identical to Anthony, for two, he just never was appealing to me in any other capacity than friend. I may have kept using that word in reference to Carlos, but that was mainly in an effort to get my steadily increasing hormones around him under control. Not that it worked, but I guess it was worth a shot.

Carlos was at my door just in time to say goodnight to Alex on Friday, pizza box in hand. He set it down in the kitchen and took, a very happy to see him, Alex to the living room for a quick cuddle and a story. Only relinquishing him to me, when I told him he could tuck Alex in with me. It was still so odd to see the bond these two had developed. Odd, but wonderful. Alex had taken to asking me "where Carlo?" was when he wasn't here. I question I found I was asking myself a whole lot.

After the little man went to bed we spent the evening sitting on the couch, devouring the entire greasy, delicious pie and talking about his therapy session and the retreat he was leaving for at 5:00 am.

"Are you sure you don't want us to drive you there? It's an awfully long way to go all by yourself."

"Yet here you are, offering to do it not once, but twice. No Steph, I'll be fine. It's way too much for you and Alex to go alone." I opened my mouth to argue and he silenced me with his finger on my lips, causing them to pucker slightly.

"Please? I don't want to worry about you getting all the way home. Please?" I felt my cheeks flush the longer he left his finger there. His thumb came up and stroked my cheek and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking about kissing me. I panicked and backed away, jumping up, I grabbed our plates and the pizza box and fled to the kitchen, leaving him looking stunned on the couch. I shoved the box into the recycling bin and cursed internally. I'd been thinking non-stop about what his mouth on mine would feel like for days and I just ran away from him like a frightened little girl. For as overwhelmingly attracted to him as I was, I just couldn't do it yet. In my head I could very clearly picture kissing him…and doing way more than kissing, but in reality I knew how fragile he still was, how fragile I still was.

I quickly made some coffee and went back into the living room, where he was still sitting looking a little hurt. He covered it up with a smile and I sat down next to him in a silent effort to show him I wasn't all out rejecting him. It killed me to dance around the elephant in the room, I usually was an honest person, but right before he was leaving for a few days probably wasn't the time to discuss what was going on here.

I picked up his hand and threaded my fingers with his, "…So if you're sure about the driving, can you at least let me know when you get there and when you get home?" He smiled a real smile this time and squeezed my hand gently.

"Of course I will." He looked at the wall clock. "I'm going to leave in a bit though. I have to be up really early. Do you want to watch TV for a while?"

"Yeah." I grabbed the remote and clicked it on to the Rangers game. My boys were winning 3-2 in the second period!

"You like hockey?" He asked, eyebrows raised.

"You have no idea!" I laughed. "I've loved it since I was a little kid and my dad took me to my first game."

"That's really cool, babe." He grinned.

Somehow by the end of the game he had managed to work his way into the corner of the couch and had pulled me till I was curled up into his side. His arm around me and his hand idly stroking my back. If I were a cat I'd probably be purring right now. Especially when his fingers made it to the skin that was peeking out between my shirt and jeans. I turned off the TV when the post-game analysis started. I had too many conflicting ideas crashing around in my brain to listen to the presenters break down the minutia of the game.

We sat quietly for a few minutes, just being. His fingers still tracing circles on my skin, making everything tingle inside of me. I had my head on his shoulder and my hand resting on his solid chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart. I felt the tempo pick up before I felt the fingers of his free hand under my chin, gently tilting my face up. The expression on his face was so open and tender, his eyes on mine.

"Steph, I…" He swallowed hard. "I really need to kiss you right now." I felt that now familiar zing of heat flash through me at the very idea. I really, really wanted him to do that too, but the instant image of Anthony's face in my head was so guilt invoking that I just couldn't do it.

"I don't think I'm ready." I whispered, feeling tears well up. "Please, don't" His face fell dramatically. "Don't do that either." I kneeled up at his side, cupping his face in my hands. "Please? I really want you to too." He swiped at the tear that rolled down my cheek. "Just not yet. I'm sorry. I'm not ready."

"Don't apologize. I'm not trying to pressure you, but you should know how I feel."

"I'm sorry." I choked out, so hard to speak around the lump in my throat.

"Don't cry, please? I shouldn't have said anything. Please don't Steph?" He crushed me to him. Instead of calming me, it just made me cry harder. Repeating, "I'm sorry." Over and over again.

By the time I'd calmed down, I was fully in his lap, his arms banded solidly around me, my face in its favorite spot, cheek against the warm, amazing smelling skin of his throat. It had been a long time since anyone had held me when I cried and now he'd done it twice. This time even more cathartic than the last.

"Jesus, I'm sorry." I muttered, trying to breathe through my totally clogged nose. I reached past him and grabbed a tissue and tried to delicately dab at my nose, but was still unable to breathe.

"Steph, just blow your nose." He said with an eye roll. I made to climb off his lap, but he held me there. "Believe me, I'm not squeamish." He handed me another tissue. I grabbed it and got the job done, sounding like a cross between a honking goose and a foghorn. He was grinning by the time I was done.

"Yes, I know I'm a sexy bitch." My voice so gravelly I sounded like a two-pack a day-er.

"Yeah, you are." He said trailing a finger over my jaw. How he could still look at me like that after that breakdown and all the snot was beyond me. "Look, I know you keep saying that we're friends, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not attracted to you. Because I am, I really, really am. I can respect your 'not yet' request though. This is enough for now." He said, squeezing me gently. "Just please don't run away again? After all this feelings shit I've been whining about at the doctor's, being shut out by you hurt."

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess. This is pretty overwhelming for me." I croaked.

"For me too." He looked at the clock again and let his head drop back on the cushions.

"Ugh, it's late. You should go home and get some sleep." I said as I snuggled in closer. I felt him nod against the top of my head.

"In a minute. I kind of need this right now." He held me tighter and I felt his lips on my forehead. He lingered there for a few before gently releasing me and helping me stand. I followed him out to the hallway and watched as he shrugged his coat back on.

"You'll call me when you get there?" I asked, stepping close.

"I will." He promised. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight, reveling in the feeling of his big hands pressing me closer.

"Call me if you need to while you're there. I'm going to worry about you."

"I'll be okay, but yeah, I'll do that." He stroked my hair back when I looked up at him. I craned up and placed a lingering kiss on his cheek. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. His whole body tensed, but he kept to his word, hugging me gently. He released me and backed away. "I'll talk to you in the morning." I nodded as he went through the door.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to him as watched him climb into his car. Already kicking myself for my stupidity. I trudged off to bed, mechanically going through the motions of getting ready, knowing that sleep would not come easily tonight. My phone chimed a text on the nightstand as soon as I laid down.

I can wait…Goodnight babe. I'll talk to you soon. I could feel the smile stretch across my face.

Goodnight Carlos. Good luck tomorrow.

Maybe it wouldn't take that long to fall asleep after all.

AN: Nearly there now. Keep in mind, it's only been two weeks since they met up at the gravesite, so it's not surprising she's conflicted.

I had a busy, busy week. I'm sorry if I didn't get to all the review replies. I thought you'd want an update more, but I'll try harder this time.

And the Rangers beat Philly last night, best birthday gift I've ever gotten! Now we just need to win 14 more games and it'll be just like chapter 18 of Ranger's Rangers. Speaking of, I'm going to go work on that right now.

Let me know what you thought.

Love,

EA xoxo