Author's Note: Hello everyone, and welcome back to my mad world of mad obsession about TV and the like! Greatest thanks for your encouraging and super-awesome reviews. They make me do happy-dance each time.

Anyways, I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long… at least shorter than last time. I'm working on it, but the block. The block. I hate him. I hate him so much.

I hope this chapter is worth the wait.

Reviews are welcome, very much appreciated, and loved from the bottom of my heart.

Read, review, and hopefully enjoy ;)

"Oh, hey! There you are!" Kensi greets Deeks as he meets her in the hallways of the orchestra once single practice is over.

"Here I am," Deeks grins.

"So? How was practice?" she asks.

"It went really well," Deeks agrees.

"So he's teaching you some tricks?" Kensi smirks.

"Adrian is darn amazing when it comes to playing the violin," Deeks is bound to admit. "And he showed me something I... didn't think was possible. But... you're probably asking about the case anyways and I'm just making a bad impression again."

"No, no!" she assures him quickly. "I asked about practice, not the case, remember?"

Even though she knows that they have to look at this professionally – and that it is her obligation as Marty's partner to watch out for him not to lose himself in the case, Kensi also sees someone who is coming to terms with something that he neglected for a long time. Kensi knows that Deeks doesn't like to talk about his past – revisiting it is even worse. Not that she always tells her secrets, as a secret agent, you somehow lose that ability, but she tries, really tries to be honest with Deeks when it is about the things that really count.

She wants something real.

So Kensi wants him to be real – and that includes his past. It made Deeks the man he is. And Kensi would honestly like to know a bit more of how he became this foolish yet adorable surfer-detective with a way too big heart and self-consciousness at times.

Just that this job is really, really hard.

"Well, practice was real fun," Deeks smirks. "It's better than the other practice by far."

"That's great," she smiles as they walk down the stairs, the cold breeze of the night hitting their faces. Los Angeles is great – but at night, it's truly beautiful.

"Oh yeah, another thing that I...," Deeks means to say when suddenly a female voice shrieks out to their right, "Julian!"

The two whip their heads around simultaneously to catch sight of the group of not-starlets.

"Hey guys, what are you doing here?" Deeks frowns as he quickly takes the last steps to meet up with them.

"We are celebrating Kitty Kat's... ugh... promotion," Christian giggles, obviously drunk – if the bottle of Jack in his hand was no broad hint already.

"And I totally hate you that you ever told them the nickname! They won't stop!" Katy cries out, her arms slung around Tom on the one side and Judy on the other.

"It's so amazing that it's viral. So anyways, you really think it's smart to get drunk when we have practice the next day?" Deeks furrows his eyebrows at them.

"We have a limit," Jimmy nods more to himself than to anyone in particular.

"Yeah, maybe a bit too high," Deeks makes a face.

"Well, we did the warm-up over at the bar, so now we're heading to a club with less booze," Carter adds, as the only one who is seemingly at least sober enough to think straight. "And we thought we'd be so amazing to come pick you up after the extra-practice with the Violin-Scrooge to get your mind off of the stress and all."

"That's very kind of you," Deeks nods. "But with the stomach bug I don't think I should get so drunk – or else my stomach will do the drum roll again and I miss my concerto."

"We're hitting a club where they play really amazing music. You don't have to drink," Carter argues, coming a little closer. "I had one beer, the rest was alcohol free. You can do that, too."

"Ah, I see," Deeks nods. He turns back around to Kensi. "Would that be okay?"

"Oh, yes, of course. I just need the car keys and then I'm good to go home by myself," she smiles at him sweetly. Deeks nods with a grin, moving closer as he hands her some keys that are not for the car, but so that he can whisper to her. "I will see what I can get from them. When they are drunk, they'll be more talkative. I think what I have to say can wait till morrow, too."

"Alright," Kensi nods, before she talks louder again. "I will be there in the morning then. Have a good night, but don't overdo it. Miss Lange surely wouldn't be pleased."

"I promise to behave myself," Deeks winks at her.

"Better so," Kensi nods. "Alright, then enjoy yourselves."

Soon, Deeks finds himself in a decent bar downtown, sitting in one of the private booths with the gang. Carter and Jimmy went ahead to get a round of drinks.

"Julian? You know that you're the bestestest friend ever?" Katy grunts with a dumb smile. After she was so upset about having to leave her friends behind, it doesn't come to Deeks as a surprise that she did not just go for a celebration, but also a forget-all-sorrows-in-a-shot-glass-night.

"We know each other only in a few days," Deeks tells her calmly. For some reason he actually enjoys those kinds of drunk people, at least he does more than those who fall asleep with their heads in the drink, keel over, end up as a crying mess, or start a bar fight. With those drunkards, you have at least a good laugh, if only at their expenses.

"But still, you, ugh... you saved my life from this vicious box that decided to crawl down from the ceiling… sneaky thing...," she argues.

"Yeah, totally mean of the box to just crawl down there," Deeks chuckles.

"Right?! We should teach it how to behave… and anyways… that's already why you are my bestestestestest friend ever," Katy goes on, trying to look serious, but failing miserably. "And... and... you're so adorable and cute and you got curly hair that I just wanna pet."

"Let's not touch the hair," Deeks argues.

"Pity," the young woman mutters. "So yeah, you're like this blond superhero in lucky balloon trousers… boxer shorts… who saves damsels in distress from… viciously crawling around boxes."

"Yeah, that sums it up pretty well," Deeks huffs. Katy fights with her straw, trying to direct it to her mouth to take another sip of that highly alcoholic drink, but the detective moves the glass away from her slowly, making her eyes follow the glass sluggishly, "You should have some water or your brain cells will be totally fried by the end of tonight."

"That's exactly why you... are such an amazing friend, you know? Coz you care about me that you even take my drinks away... can I get my drink back?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at the glass to grab it, but fails miserably. She looks very much like a cat now, puckering her lips and extending her paws, so Deeks is only reinforced in his belief that the nickname couldn't be more fitting.

"You try again some other time, Kitty Kat. Have some water or juice and then we can think about the adult drinks again," he tells her in a soft voice.

"I hate you," she grumbles. "Okay, I love you, but I hate you now."

"I'll get you a juice," Deeks says, getting up.

"I a grown up Lady!" Katy pouts, folding her arms over her chest, almost falling over to the right side because she moves too fast.

"And even a grown up Lady like you will puke any minute if she does not slow down a gear," Deeks calls over his shoulder before heading to the bar to get her something non-alcoholic.

It's odd to be with people acting more immature than he does. Because everyone tells him that this is hardly possible.

And so Katy is bound to sober up a bit, Deeks playing nurse for her as the others hit the dance floor – more or less successfully, given their blood alcohol level.

"So? Are we yet able to comprehend full sentences again?" Deeks smirks, speaking extra-slow. The young woman lets out a guttural groan, her head resting on the tabletop. She looks up to meet his eyes, though, now looking much clearer in the head.

"I blame it on Judy. She had to talk me into that girly drink. It was pink, but... but I think it was only pink food color mixed with pure alcohol," she grunts, sipping more of her juice.

"So you're not nervous about the concert?" Deeks asks. "If you are that much into partying."

"Oh, please, I'm always nervous as hell. This helps me calm my nerves. We often do that short before the concert. Of course not the day before, but just... to calm down. You know how it goes. When everyone is fussing about stuff we already had and got right... it just catches up to you. It's viral," Katy shrugs. "So this is actually our way of dealing with the stress."

"That's a funny method, though not necessarily favorable for the liver," Deeks grins.

"Hey, now don't tell me that you don't party – if you're not having a nasty stomach flu or whatever," she snorts.

"Oh, I'm a party animal out of the handbook," Deeks grins. "But I usually do it... not around the concerts."

"You haven't tried it yet, so don't judge us," Katy says, pointing a still sluggish finger at her.

"I don't judge anyone," Deeks shrugs. There is a moment of silence, but then Deeks goes on questioning a bit more, "Did Mike join you in such alcohol feasts, too?"

"Yeah. He was a good drinker, I tell you. I mean… he used to be so stiff. He only had one beer and that was it. But the next times it got better. Later on he proved how much of a smooth dancer he was, once he had a few drinks. It was so much fun to watch that adorable Hulk on the loose. It was like Michael Jackson had a baby with a giant bear, really," she chuckles at the memory.

"Save me that image, please," Deeks grunts.

"It was really fun. He was real fun," she muses.

"You really miss him, don't you?" Deeks grimaces sympathetically.

"I love my friends. He was a friend, so yeah… it's a stab in the heart each time," she exhales, but then frowns. "And here I spill my guts to you… though you don't even know him. That's actually mean… I blame it on the alcohol, though."

"I asked, remember," Deeks assures her.

"Still, I mean… I make it sound like I like him over you," Katy insists.

"And you don't?" Deeks frowns, so she replies, "I love all my little pests equally. Just as I hate all my hater equally."

"Cheers to equality," Deeks chuckles, lifting his glass.

"Cheers," she agrees, sipping more of her juice.

"But really, I don't mind. I actually like to get to know a bit about the person whose spot I take. Then it feels… more okay to actually take their position," Deeks shrugs.

"Why's that?" she frowns at him, so Deeks goes on, "Well, I just tell myself that if I know this person better, then he's not just someone's position I take. He was a person, a good person. And I don't just want to steal his place, but earn it."

"Yeah, well, you do a good job at that," Katy assures him.

"Thanks," Deeks winks at her.

"I'll have the hugest of hangovers ever, right?" Katy sighs, leaning back a little.

"Yep, definitely. Cheers to that," Deeks grins.

"You little pest," she mutters.

"We both know by now that you love me equally, regardless of the pest-y nature," the detective snickers. She narrows her eyes at him, but then cracks up laughing. Deeks joins, but then frowns as he watches the group again. Even though he knows he has no real reason to feel weird about Susanne, he can't help but frown at the young woman as Carter has his arm around her to make her somehow move along to the music, though it's clear that she would rather hide under the table.

"Susanne doesn't seem too happy with the stress management," Deeks comments.

"She just is that way," Katy shrugs. "She's always very silent."

"Well, at least she has a bunch of friends who are loud in her name," Deeks smirks.

"Yeah. I really had to push her. She was so alone at first. She didn't have the best standing at first coz people were convinced she only got the placement because Smith seems to favor her. And she is a bit socially awkward, let's face it. That didn't really help her with making friends," Katy goes on.

"So you took her under your wing? Like me?" Deeks smirks.

"I don't know what you wanna call it. I just don't like to see people alone who don't do anyone harm," she shrugs.

"Adrian is alone, too," he argues.

"Yeah, but he is alone because he wants to be alone," Katy retorts. "And I did try in the beginning, honestly. But all I got for about a month was being called names and constant flipping me the bird. I swear. So I just... gave up. With Susanne... she just took a bit of time to break out of her shell. And she tried. You know, when I see that someone is at least trying, then I have no trouble holding on, but with Adrian... it was so frustrating because he treated us all like shit, and that even though we didn't do anything to him."

"He's bitchy," Deeks shrugs. Even if he likes Adrian, he also sees that this man enjoys it way too much to insult others.

"Exactly, and Susanne never was. That's what I always liked about her," Katy agrees. "She added well to our little mad bunch of not-starlets. And she can be so funny if she wants to. But for that you have to get her really drunk... or totally nervous."

"She? Nervous?" Deeks huffs. Not once did she break a sweat ever since he met her. She is silent and so calm that you feel hyped in turn.

"You should have seen her before the last concert. She was a nervous wreck. Not that I blame her. Her dress tore, like all the way to the panties. We spent at least half an hour in the bathroom fixing it with whatever we could find – coz no one had a spare one her size. You should have heard her fussing. It's really funny," Katy explains, giggling.

Deeks grimaces. If Katy was with Susanne around the time the culprit must have given Mike the deadly injection, then she might have an alibi. They don't know when the Botox was given, but if it was close to the concert, it would rule her out as a suspect.

Which sucks.

Because deep down, Deeks still had the hope that his predictions would turn out right, that his guts were telling him the truth when he didn't know anymore.

"Okay, I need another drink. I don't intend to wake up sober. I want to have a headache and wear sunglasses like all the posers," Katy suddenly declares before she hops over to the bar to get the next cocktail. Meanwhile, Susanne managed to steal away from Carter and Jimmy and makes her way back over to Deeks, awkwardly sitting down with hands folded over the lap, stiff as a poker.

"Can I get you something, Susanne?" Deeks asks politely.

"No, thank you. I'm fine," she replies, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you enjoy yourself alright?" Deeks goes on.

"It's... loud," she shrugs.

"Yeah, a bit crowded here, I agree," Deeks nods.

"Well, it's, ugh... it's Katy's celebration, so it's okay," she tells him meekly.

"I bet you'll miss her, huh?" he grimaces, but the young woman decides not to comment.

"Well, I find it great that you guys are such good friends. Back in the last orchestra I played at, it wasn't like that, at all," Deeks says, hoping to revive the conversation somehow. This might be his only chance to get something out of that girl. Susanne nods her head frantically, though she doesn't meet his eyes at all.

"Okay, I think I will get butt-sores if I don't get moving here," Deeks grunts as he maneuvers out of his seat. "Mind to join?"

"I don't know...," she grimaces.

"Okay, wait here for a sec, I'll be right back," Deeks winks at her to walk up to the DJ. He whispers something in his ear before he walks back up to her – and suddenly a slow piece is playing.

"I thought I'd do us both a favor and play something that doesn't hurt the ears?" he grins at her, holding out his hand to Susanne, who hesitantly lets him pull her up. They join the others on the dance floor.

"Susanne and I dedicated this song to Jimmy and Judy, that they shall make lots of babies to start their own orchestra," Deeks sticks out his tongue at them. Judy pouts while Jimmy grumbles incoherent curses to himself.

"C'mon, we'll do the typical pre-school dance and just hop from one foot to the other. I know that you're a fabulous dancer, but I always move like a duck," Deeks grins at Susanne, who goes with the movement. Both crack up laughing as Tom and Christian team up to pull a very romantic dance.

Maybe she is just socially awkward after all.

Or maybe she isn't.

This is a woman he really fails to read.

But why does he suddenly hear Sarabande humming again?

The next morning, Deeks is on his own. He informed the team about the newest findings over the phone before he headed out to practice while they do some double-checking and following other leads. Kensi is supposed to help Eric and Nell as they try to get access to Mr. Smith's house to look for the missing tapes. Normally, Callen and Sam would do that, but they are on doctor's hunt today to figure out where the murderer got the Botox, which is very time-consuming. That is why it was decided that Deeks will head to the orchestra without his sexy secretary.

Pity.

The usual practice flies by, except for the real praise he receives from Mr. Smith for finally keeping in time. Deeks was that close from jumping out of his seat to hug the man, but then decided against it, fearing that this would not just cost him his position as first violin, but possibly also a hand. He winks at Adrian with a genuine smile – after all, it was him who made it happen that he didn't speed up, something he always ends up doing.

Later the day, he washes his face in the restrooms to refresh a bit. Deeks is just glad that his stomach finally stops bothering him. He looks around but finds no towels. The problem is that he and Adrian practice after the closing hours and sometimes the staff takes the things away to clean them without exchanging, for instance, the towels. He lets out a sigh, but then decides to get a towel from the storage anyways. By now he knows where everything is – and he still has some thirty minutes until his practice with Adrian starts, so it won't bother.

Deeks is just about to go around the corner when he stops upon catching sight of Adrian kissing someone quite passionately, another man, the waiter who works in the café across the street, as it turns out.

"... are you better now?" the man asks, running the back of his hand over Adrian's cheek, who only chokes out, "I'm sorry."

"What for?" the other one frowns, but Adrian shakes his head, "I can't do this."

"You're still not over him, huh?" the waiter sighs.

"I guess not," Adrian shakes his head. The other one pats his head affectionately, "Well, you just call when you need a little comfort, or just someone to talk to."

"Okay," Adrian manages a small smile. The man kisses him another time. The two turn around, probably to leave, and that is when Adrian catches sight of Deeks. The young violinist turns on the heel instantly and hurries away. The other man looks a little stunned between Deeks and Adrian.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to get a towel," Deeks grimaces. "I didn't know you were here."

"Oh, no it's fine. Is just... I'm not supposed to talk about it. I'm sorry. Gotta go," the man grimaces apologetically before he leaves also. Deeks grabs a towel and wipes his face, his mind racing. He had a suspicion, but he never dared to even think upon it. However, now that he got confirmation... Suddenly all those little puzzle pieces are jumping into an order that makes sense to him.

Suddenly the sadness in Mars is clear.

The passion.

The love.

When it's time, Deeks makes his way into their room where Adrian is pacing. Once he sees Deeks, his features instantly harden, the masquerade right back in place.

"So... found out I'm a faggot, huh?" he snarls.

"Huh?" Deeks blinks at him. That was not exactly what he expected.

"Oh c'mon. I saw you, you saw me. Wanna laugh your heart out now?" Adrian grunts. "Call me names? Go ahead! I don't give a shit!"

The detective holds up his hands as he steps closer.

"Hey, I don't care for whatever the preferences. Look, I've got plenty of gay friends. It never bothered me. Love's love, and not bound by gender to me," Deeks goes on.

"I say you're full of shit," Adrian huffs.

"Do I have to call them up to make you believe me, like really?" Deeks huffs, hoping that Adrian won't call him upon it… though having Callen and Sam pose as such would be more than tempting… though the rage he'd suffer would be endless…

Anyways, back to the topic here. So Deeks tries again, with all honesty he can muster, "Now listen. I take people for who they are, not what they are. How else would I ever have gotten along with you in the first place, huh? You're an asshole most of the time, but still I made the effort – and was right with it. So if I can befriend you even though I'm convinced you're an asshole, then I think I can actually get over it that you are homosexual."

"You mean that," Adrian brings out after a while, still staring daggers at Deeks.

"I do," Deeks assures him.

"Wow, well, congratulations, then, you're the first one who figured out my secret!" Adrian huffs, leaning his head back to look at the ceiling, one hand on his forehead.

"Seriously?" Deeks blinks.

"Yeah. So... Still wanna work with me, or is that over now that you know what kind of a person I am?" Adrian asks in a low voice. Being fine with it is one thing, hanging around with one is another – he learned that lesson long, long, long time ago.

"What?! Yeah, of course! What are you saying?" Deeks makes a face. "Didn't I just say that?!"

"Is not the first time I had to quit coz of that," Adrian shrugs, looking so defeated that Deeks, if not for the professionalism as a cop, would like to give him a hug.

"They really threw you out?" Deeks grimaces.

"Of course not, that's illegal. I always quit on my own. If no one wants to play with you, then it's really pointless to try... or rather... if they'd rather sit three seats away from you coz they are afraid that might be transmitted... I had all that shit," Adrian rolls his eyes.

"Geez," Deeks rolls his eyes. "And here I thought we managed to hit the modern age at some point."

"Modern age, maybe, but that doesn't mean people change their minds," Adrian shrugs. "I was open about it for a while, but it didn't work. So I just kept it a secret, so I could play. Here, no one knows, so I am good... well, was."

"I won't tell anyone if that's what you're afraid of," Deeks assures him. The man blinks at him now with almost wide eyes, but then his gaze somewhat softens, "... thank you."

"Uhm, so are you and this guy... together?" Deeks asks casually.

"What's it to you?" the younger man huffs.

"I'm just curious," Deeks shrugs.

"Not running yet?" the other man retorts.

"Adrian, please. I told you, I'm more than fine with it. I have gay friends, so really, I'm the last one you have to worry about when it comes to your sexual orientation," Deeks tells him. "All I care about is the person you are. And as a person... you are not as awful."

Adrian smirks at him faintly.

"So? Do I get a bit of info?" Deeks bargains. "As someone... you don't completely hate?"

"We used to... some time ago," Adrian nods.

"He works over at the café, right?" Deeks says.

"Yeah," Adrian agrees. "But we… well, still do stuff together on occasion when not in a relationship."

"Uhm, so you just got out of a relationship?" Deeks asks. "I didn't come around to overhear that part of your conversation."

"Something like that," Adrian shrugs.

"I don't mean to be nosy. I was just wondering," Deeks assures him.

"Yeah, I get that," Adrian nods.

"Did he die?" Deeks then asks. The other man blinks at him, "What?"

"Did he die?" the detective repeats the question.

"How do you know?" Adrian makes a face.

"I just know how someone looks like who's grieving. And that is what you are," Deeks shrugs. That moment with the waiter made it more than clear. Deeks didn't just see a man who just got out of a relationship, there was this honest hurt in his eyes that he couldn't start something yet again now that the other part was missing. He grieved in that moment.

"I thought I was pretty convincing as the asshole here," Adrian huffs.

"You are," Deeks grins and Adrian smirks, too.

"So am I right?" Deeks asks again.

"Yeah," Adrian nods.

"... well, then I'm sorry that you lost Mike," Deeks tells him in a soft voice. The younger man almost hops in the air in sheer shock, "I never said it's Mike! It's not Mike!"

And that confirmed all of Deeks' suspicions.

"Dude, you can tell that someone else, okay? I know when someone's grieving, and I know when someone's lying, most of the time," Deeks argues.

"He was Marine," Adrian argues in a flat voice. "Being Marine doesn't settle your sexual orientation," Deeks shrugs.

"They are hulks," Adrian snorts.

"And we both know that gay people like to work out, too," Deeks smirks. "Really, could we stop thinking in stereotypes?"

"He was married," Adrian goes on.

"Not the first one who's had an affair, or wasn't open about his actual preferences," Deeks shrugs.

"But how would you know that?" Adrian asks – allowing his weak side to show, and actually confessing that it was Mike after all.

"The other day I saw your violin case – and it had a pic of him in there. I'm sorry," Deeks tells him. Because now it makes sense, right?

"You're one nosy guy," Adrian grumbles, walking circles.

"I'm just lucky to stumble, a lot... and not always so luckily," Deeks shrugs. Adrian smirks.

"So am I right? You and Mike had an affair?" Deeks asks again, trying to make sure.

"... there is no point in saying no now," Adrian exhales.

"Not really," Deeks shrugs his shoulders.

"So, yeah, we did... but... he was a good guy, he really was. He loved his children. And his wife," Adrian assures him credibly.

"Sure," Deeks replies, which actually makes Adrian frown at him, "You actually believe that? I always think it sounds odd when someone has an affair and then still claims he's loving his actual partner."

"As I said, I got some friends. Some of which had their coming out way later in their lives. One of them had family, too. A child and a wife. He didn't cheat on her, but... in the end they broke up because he finally came to terms. They are handling things well, as best friends now, and the kid's also fine with it. He had a very patriarchal father who didn't accept that, which is why he suppressed that side all the time," Deeks explains.

"Yeah, I know that story," Adrian mutters.

"Well, so... you and Mike... but now I gotta ask. I heard the others talking. And they said you always fought each other," Deeks grimaces.

"We did. I hated him in the beginning," Adrian admits. "Just as I hate about everyone in the beginning... and most of them I just continue to hate."

"Haters gotta hate," Deeks nods.

"All the stories you heard were true, by the way, with what I did to him in the beginning. I really, really hated him. He just got the placement coz he was a decent player who was a Marine and that was special. And he was likable, you know, got along with everyone, was a real charmer. I got the second violin even though I was the better player, just coz no military rank and no... sympathy. So... I set my mind on trying to make his life hell," Adrian admits.

"Well, that's understandable. You were frustrated," Deeks shrugs.

"I was pissed," Adrian snorts.

"Also understandable," Deeks smirks.

"And then the time came that we had the same situation you and I have now. He was supposed to give a solo... and he sucked. Never got the Menuett right. Always messed up in the Reprise when on stage. Smith ordered me to help him. And so we practiced and I thought he was awful, so I told him that. He told me that he doesn't understand why I'm so mad at him and that he would rather not be here the same way I didn't want to… and I didn't care. So he didn't care…" Adrian explains, his voice trailing off.

"But he didn't go," Deeks exhales.

"No, never. After we realized that being at each other's throats for three hours wasn't very productive... we played, without saying a word, though. Our practice worked just like that. He came in, I came in, we got the violins out and we played. Played till either one gave in. It was a battle, over and over again. Like fire and ice," Adrian smirks.

"Wow," Deeks chuckles softly.

"And then came the day that he was really pissed because we just kept on throwing pieces at each other, and not preparing him for his actual performance, and I just kept on making fun of him... but then... out of the blue, he started to play Mars and...," Adrian says, suddenly having that twinkle in his eyes as he goes on. "How he played it, with such passion. It was as though this piece was written for him and his violin to play it. I mean, you never got to hear it, and see him, but... that's when I realized for the first time that he was actually really..."

"... Good?" Deeks scaffolds.

"More than good. He... he played it better than me," Adrian admits with a sad smile.

"I bet that hurt your feelings," Deeks chuckles.

"It didn't. That was the thing... I... I don't know what it was, but... he made me forget my antagonism for a second. He played it like no one ever before. I only saw that again when you played it. Never since. And that's when something inside of me... saw colors I didn't see before, heard music where there was none," Adrian muses. "It's a pity you really can't capture that, not even on tape. It's just... it was magic."

"And it was the same way for him, as I took it. It was this moment of the last note that we... we just stared at each other and... we both just... knew... Well, uhm, that's when it started. We only did little things at first, you know, felt like teenagers, sneaking into the bathrooms just for a quick kiss or whatever... I knew he was married and I knew everyone thought he was straight, but... it didn't matter to me back then. Maybe it should've, but...," Adrian sighs, and Deeks adds, "You can't help it to be in love, and you can't help it with whom you are."

"Well, so we had that problem... in secret we were...," Adrian sighs, and Deeks completes, "Lovers."

"And in public we were...," Adrian exhales, and Deeks completes again, "Enemies."

"If we had just stopped fighting each other in public, people would have started asking questions. So we kept it up, for the outsiders. In public we couldn't smell each other, in private we were... us, we were real," Adrian tells him.

"Okay," Deeks nods.

"Well... and now he's dead. And everyone thinks I did it," Adrian shakes his head, now on the verge of tears.

"And why don't you come clean?" Deeks argues. "If you just kept up the antagonism for that reason... that explains it."

"To me this doesn't matter anymore," Adrian shrugs.

"Why?" Deeks frowns.

"I loved him... I still do, more than I wanna admit. And that one guy I loved is dead now. Police's cleared me, coz I don't dig prison all too much, but as for what others think of me... I don't care. The only thing I cared about was him. And now that he's gone, I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything other than... the music, and even that's just little. I just... I just don't care, no matter how I turn it," Adrian tells him in sheer defeat.

"I'm very sorry for your loss," Deeks says, honestly meaning it.

"I mean, I never thought that he'd come clean. He said he would, but... he loved his kids. Were the love of his life, literally. And he had the highest respect for his wife. Loved her the same way, maybe different from his kids and me, but he loved her," Adrian shrugs.

"Love can take on very different shapes...," Deeks nods.

"It's just that I had that tiny little hope that there's at least the chance somewhere...," Adrian admits.

"Hope's good," Deeks agrees.

"Not to me. To me, it only made the loss harder. I mean... I made a fool outta myself. I knew what I had coming with him. I knew that he wouldn't come clean, I knew we wouldn't ever hold hands in public, wouldn't ever live together, god forbid, marry, grow old, be real... I knew it, and still I was so madly in love with him that I forgot about all that and lived for every damn moment we shared. Foolish," Adrian shakes his head.

"To me loving someone is never foolish. I know how it is not to be able to be with the person you wanna be with, because it's against all odds. It hurts, it hurts beyond explainable. And I know that whatever I did to make my feelings clear, I only felt ashamed," Deeks tells him.

"And I'm so damn madly love with him that I even love him now that he's dead. How ridiculous is that?" Adrian snorts.

"It's not ridiculous," Deeks argues.

"To me it is... and now I'm in a situation that I'm grieving and can't share it with anyone. And I can't even grieve him as him, as the real him, coz then people would know about his other side and I know that he wouldn't want people to know that he was gay, he wouldn't want people to hurt at that revelation. God, I should've known that getting together with a newbie is never gonna be good coz it's never any good," Adrian exhales.

"Well, love doesn't care about what's perhaps the best rational decision," Deeks shrugs. He knows that when he fell for Kensi, rationality screamed at him to stay the hell away from her, but the heart is not rational.

"Definitely doesn't. Love's a bitch," Adrian huffs.

"With you on that one," Deeks snorts.

Love is hard.

Hard work.

Hard to maintain.

But also hard to let go.

And so damn worth it.

"Well, and now I'm here... and he's not... and I look back at things and realize that there never was a chance for us, at all," the younger man exhales, shrugging his shoulders.

"Must be hard on you," Deeks grimaces empathetically.

"Doesn't matter to me. He mattered to me. And the way he played the Mars. More than anything I miss playing with him. The physical stuff was... secondary compared to that... and I know what that sounds like, but it really was like that. We were... closer to each other than ever when we were playing music," Adrian tells him.

"Yeah, I picture," Deeks nods. For someone as passionate and determined in his play as Adrian, it doesn't really come to Deeks as a surprise that this is where the other man is capable of feeling the most.

"Seriously?" Adrian frowns.

Usually, no one understands that.

"It's little things that make the difference between... those friends... and those you truly love. I mean, sex is great, hell, it's great, but... if the person is otherwise a total bitch... then the sex can be as tremendous, you won't ever be in love with that person – and you'll only be that kind of friends... with people you love... you appreciate the little things, like playing Mars... or eating too much candy, or having a weird laugh, or being violent, or taking up all the space in bed. It's those little things that make the difference between true love and... attraction, maybe."

"So... my life sucks, a lot," Adrian summarizes.

And that guy isn't even aware of the fact that NCIS is running an investigation against him. He thinks he is safe because police stopped asking questions.

"I'm sorry for your loss. And that you can't grieve him," Deeks tells him again.

"... thanks...," Adrian nods.

That is the first time he ever heard that someone saying.

"Wanna play?" Deeks offers with a smile.

"Yes," Adrian smiles back at him, looking relieved.

"Then this is what we do. Wanna play the Mars?" Deeks grins. Adrian picks up the violin and starts to play. Deeks joins in and they play, play, feel, exchange codes in between.

After both are perfectly out of breath, the two sit cross-legged on the ground, glancing at each other.

"Okay, I have one more question for you," Deeks warns him.

"Didn't we have enough revelations about myself yet?" the younger man huffs.

"Why don't you leave the orchestra?" Deeks questions, which earns him a deep frown, "What?"

"You're not comfortable here. You don't like the people. You can't be... you. Smith won't give you the credit you deserve. You don't have good chances here – if they even pick a newbie not as good as you over you, the second time. I mean... I get it that you didn't leave before, coz of Mike, but now he is no longer there. What holds you here?" Deeks questions, because that is what he honestly fails to understand.

"When I play here, I feel close to him, for a few moments here and there. The chair he sat in... the walls we leaned against when we kissed like stupid teenagers... the door-frame he'd lean in with his arms crossed to greet me... it all reminds me of him," Adrian admits. "We only had this place here."

"But it hurts you, that's obvious," Deeks argues.

"Again, it doesn't matter. To me... there's nothing much that matters, other than him," Adrian tells him again.

"I gotta say I don't know Mike, but I can't picture that he'd want that for you. No one who cares about another person would want him or her hurting," Deeks tells him.

"He wouldn't. But maybe that's my way of pissing him off for one last time. I always did. It was our game, our tune... And now... well... now, I'm at least enjoying to play again," Adrian goes on, smirking at Deeks, who points a finger at himself with a grimace.

"Yeah, you, now don't look so stupid or it gets stuck in your face," Adrian huffs. "But don't worry. I know that you're not from my department – and you're not really my type."

"Pity, I always thought I was quite the universal type," Deeks winks at him.

"It's actually nice to just talk about it out loud without awkward," Adrian grins.

"We're still awkward, but I get what you mean," Deeks winks at him.

"Well, so Mike and I and you and your secretary...," Adrian's voice trails off with a malicious smirk.

"You're good, too," Deeks chuckles.

"Well, I see some resemblance to Mike and me, as for our private moments," Adrian shrugs.

"Touché," Deeks winks at him. Adrian gets up and packs his things together, "I think we're done for today."

He shoulders his bag, before he speaks up sheepishly, "And thanks for... the talk."

"Any time. I mean it," Deeks assures him. "Uhm... wait, here"

He gives him a crumpled sheet of paper, "Call me if you need help or just someone to gossip with."

"Seriously?" Adrian frowns at him.

"I can't say that I struggled with my sexuality, but... I know what it's like to feel alone with something and as though there's no one there to share with or to help you. And I know also how good it does to talk to someone – even if it's just about Brahms," Deeks tells him earnestly, though he winks at him towards the end.

"You never just talk about Brahms," Adrian huffs with a grin.

"That's of course true. But you know how I mean it. If you get yourself into trouble or need my help, you gimme a call. I come. Okay?" Deeks looks at him.

"Why so caring?" Adrian narrows his eyes at him.

"Coz I know what it's like to put on certain things to cover up one's pain. I see someone who's cut himself if he's in front of me," Deeks tells him. Adrian grimaces, biting his lower lip, so Deeks goes on in a softer voice, "I don't judge you for that. I'm just saying so from experience. Sometimes life's such shit that it's really for the best to simply talk to someone, and not letting it destroy your future as well as your past."

"What did you do, then?" Adrian asks mutely. "To deal with your pain?"

"Ah, we'll save that for some other time, okay?" Deeks winks at him.

"I have to go all out and you get your head out of the sling? That doesn't sound fair to me," Adrian huffs.

"There is only so much emotional I can take, or I'll be a weeping mess. And that is a scene neither one of us wants, right?" Deeks argues.

"Actually, yeah. I hate that," Adrian agrees.

"I will tell you. Let's say the time you call me. How about that?" Deeks offers. "Deal?"

"Deal," Adrian nods. "Okay, gotta head home. See you around… and thanks again."

With that Adrian leaves. Deeks lets out a sigh.

Now what does that mean for the case?