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Adrian sighs, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets. If that guy doesn't show, heads will roll, that much is for sure. Why did he agree to this again?!

Well, at least the setting is nice. He has been in that park before. He likes it because you can see the ocean in the distance.

The young violinist suddenly feels something tapping against his shoulder. He turns around to see Marty standing behind him, "Hey there."

"You are late," Adrian snorts.

"I'm five minutes early," the detective cries out, glad that the younger man is at least up to joking. That is a good sign.

"But only five," Adrian narrows his eyes, offering a small grin.

"It's good to see you, man," Deeks chuckles, motioning around the bench to sit down next to him. Adrian slides over wordlessly so that the detective can take the seat next to him.

"Yeah, it's good to see you, too... Mr. Deeks? This still sounds weird to me," Adrian shakes his head.

"Call me Marty. That might be less weird," Deeks offers.

"Marty, then. I knew a guy named Julian once. He was a good violinist," Adrian exhales, easing against the backrest of the bench.

"Yeah, I ran into him a while ago, too. Really annoying," Deeks grins.

"Pretty much, but skills to match," Adrian nods. Both smirk at each other, settling in a comfortable silence.

"What happened to that guy, by the way?" Adrian frowns. "Julian, I mean?"

"He's back in his respective box," Deeks shrugs.

"And he won't ever come out again?" Adrian asks.

"He might come out if he's needed. He's the kinda guy to pop up just when no one counts on him, and then makes a total show," Deeks chuckles.

"Yeah, he surprised me, too... I wonder what Mr. Marty Deeks is like, though," Adrian shrugs.

"Hm, just about the same as Julian, just different profession, different clothes... oh, and he gets to carry a gun," Deeks smirks at him.

"Didn't Julian have one also, in all secret? Like… in the boot or so?" Adrian grins.

"Perhaps," Deeks shrugs at him.

"Aha," Adrian chuckles.

"He's a sneaky bastard," Deeks smiles. Adrian laughs at that.

"I'm glad that you came, by the way. At first I thought you wouldn't show up," Deeks admits, now more seriously. Adrian looks at him, "Why?"

"You took off so suddenly," Deeks shrugs.

"I was… shocked," Adrian admits.

"I picture," Deeks grimaces sympathetically.

"And it actually brought back some… bad memories… when the secretary, or should I say agent? Said that you were poisoned…," Adrian says, his voice trailing off.

"You were right back in it," Deeks nods. "Right back with Mike."

"Yeah," Adrian sighs. "I lost one guy I cared about to the stage already and… suddenly it looked like I'd lose another… that hit me harder than I thought it would."

"I'm sorry," Deeks tells him honestly. "I didn't mean to scare you like that… and I also didn't mean to lie to you."

"… Well, it just sucks that you make a friend of sorts, and he is actually trying to get information out of you to find evidence to prove you the murder," Adrian grimaces.

"Would you believe me if I said that I believed in your innocence and actually tried to prove just that?" Deeks asks tentatively. Adrian looks at him, studying the detective for a longer moment, but then offers a feeble smile, "I guess."

"I wanted to tell you, I really did, but that would have corrupted by cover, so I had to… stay silent, as much as I wanted to tell you, though," Deeks tells him.

"I don't blame you, really," Adrian then says.

"Seriously?" Deeks frowns. That was everything he expected.

"You did your job. I see that," Adrian shrugs. "As much as that may suck for me, but… well, you did your job. That's all."

"I expected a different reaction," Deeks grimaces.

"Well, I get it when someone actually does something to protect people or if he's just an ass. And you are not the later," Adrian shrugs.

"Thanks for that compliment. I'm no ass," Deeks huffs.

"You know what I mean. I just see when someone simply does his job. It's not like you made it your personal obligation to lie to me. It was necessary. I see that. And I don't blame you for any of it. That'd be like... blaming a violinist for playing the violin," Adrian argues.

"Good, then I'm glad," Deeks smiles. "But I want to say it one more time to make myself clear: All the things I said to you on the personal level... I meant them, whether or not I'm Julian or Marty... or whoever else I might possibly be, given that I have some aliases on my plate, and possibly some alter egos, too. I meant all of it."

"Okay," Adrian nods.

"Phew. I already feared you'd hate me for that till the day you die, or longer," Deeks sighs with relief washing over him.

"How would I hate the guy who's helped finding Mike's murderer and clearing my name? If not for you, I would've gotten charged for his murder, and possibly yours, too, though this gladly could be resolved without... I don't even wanna think about it," Adrian shudders.

"Tell me about it. This was not exactly the ending I'd fancy," Deeks chuckles.

"You actually fancy an ending?" Adrian frowns.

"Yeah, dying of old age once I'm 268," Deeks tells him determinedly.

"268? Why that specific?" Adrian frowns.

"I think that by that time there'll be a way to de-age you again and then I'll be as fresh as new, and if not... they might have the cryostatic suspension going, and then I do that until they can de-age me again," Deeks grins.

"Well, then...," Adrian furrows his eyebrows.

"So that's my happy ending, or dying for saving someone, preferably one of the good guys. That'd be nice... but let's not talk about that, okay? That always makes me weird... er... than usual," Deeks shakes his head.

"What is it with Susanne now?" Adrian asks cautiously.

"The psychologists confirmed that she is psychotic. After her boyfriend fell in war, she suffered from severe insomnia. And that led to her… escalating the way she did. She was not thinking at all," Deeks replies.

"I don't know if I should find that a comfort," Adrian grimaces.

"I don't know if it is either, but… she didn't kill him out of malice. She is… insane, at least she is in a while. Susanne didn't know what she was doing. She said that she kept hearing voices inside her head, telling her to kill Mike. Her brother's and her boyfriend's. They kept telling her that she had to get Mike out of the way to sleep again," Deeks explains. "And she said that she just wanted to sleep."

"I never thought that insomnia can be that bad," Adrian frowns.

"If it goes over such extended periods of time… it can," Deeks nods solemnly. He still remembers how they questioned her and she admitted it, now a bit clearer that she got medication to help her sleep. As odd as it may sound, but Deeks honestly felt bad for Susanne. She apologized all the while, though she eventually started talking to her dead brother again, or rather, she talked to Deeks, thinking that he was her brother. She even told him that what really tipped her off was the time they danced. And that this was when she knew he had to go so that she could sleep again.

All she wants is to sleep, as it seems.

Or perhaps to dream?

"I never thought it could be Susanne," Adrian shakes his head. "I mean, I never had to do with her, but I didn't necessarily hate her. She was silent. I actually liked that about her."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Deeks nods.

"What will happen to her?" Adrian asks cautiously.

"She… will remain in the mental institution where she is at now… and will probably for the rest of her life," Deeks explains.

"That might be for the best… I really think she needs… a lot of help," Adrian nods.

"Exactly," Deeks agrees solemnly.

"And Smith…," Adrian grimaces.

"Will be charged, for covering up the murder, keeping back information and the like," Deeks nods.

"This orchestra is really messed up," Adrian shakes his head.

"I was thinking the same thing," Deeks agrees.

"Well, either way... I didn't get to thank you for… everything, so… thank you, for Mike as well as me," Adrian whispers.

"You and Mike are welcome. That's my job after all, but I may add that I'm glad that it is," Deeks tells him. "If it is about things like that."

"Thank you," Adrian mutters.

"Do you think this brought some closure for you?" Deeks asks in a soft voice.

"It did in fact. I mean... it sounds weird, I know, but... it feels better now that I know who did it," Adrian shrugs.

"It isn't weird. I'd also find it a reassurance," Deeks assures him. There is a moment of silence until Deeks speaks up again, "Did you talk to Mike's wife? About… the affair, I mean?"

"I did," Adrian nods.

"How did she react?" Deeks questions.

"Honestly? Better than I thought," Adrian shrugs. "I mean, I expected her to yell at me or be angry with me, possibly throw things at me, but… Mike was right. She is a very strong and… amazing woman. I know only few people who have that much empathy. She said she knew in a while."

"Really?" Deeks frowns, and Adrian nods, "I thought the same. She said she didn't know about Mike and I having the affair, but she knew, deep down, that Mike changed, kept away from home more often, or came late from practice. She said he looked… different, if that is making any sense. Happier, even, or so she said. After his leg injury, so she let me know, Mike had a depression, but music brought him out of that hole again. Well, and seemingly also to… be what he was… with me."

"So you two made peace?" Deeks asks.

"Yes. I apologized to her and… she accepted," Adrian says. "She even said that it'd be okay for me to see his grave. She really loved him. She still does. And… that makes me really glad."

"I'm glad, too. For the both of you," Deeks smiles faintly, but then pauses for a while before carrying on. "So... how are things standing for the rest of life?"

"Back to usual routine. They are casting a new violinist, you know how it goes, you've been right in it... Mr. Parker is now in charge again, after Mr. Smith turned out to be… a dick, at least in my opinion… And I may tell you that the heads of the orchestra were very sad that you left, even after they found out that you're a cop," Adrian tells him.

"Yeah, I leave that kinda impression on people. I'm always dearly missed, though sometimes people don't like to admit it," Deeks chuckles softly.

"Parker was actually all over the idea of making you join – now as yourself and therefore as police officer," Adrian tells him.

"That would be too weird even to me, and I'm the King of Weird," Deeks shakes his head.

"Well, I think they'll get over the hype once a little time has passed," Adrian shrugs.

"Hopefully. Coz that's just nuts," Deeks grimaces.

"Well, so you see... things return back to routine faster than I picture at times. I mean... first violin dead on stage, undercover cop almost killed on stage, murderer turning out to be psychotic and seeing dead people, on stage... and we're doing castings for the next session. It's odd, really," Adrian shakes his head.

"So you really intend on staying in that orchestra?" Deeks asks.

"Why asking?" Adrian frowns.

"You gotta stop doing that to yourself, man," Deeks argues.

"Doing what?" Adrian grimaces.

"Destroy your future by lingering in the past," Deeks tells him, looking the younger man deep in the eyes.

"Marty...," Adrian exhales, but the detective carries on, "I mean that. I get it that you stayed for a while because you missed him, coz you didn't care, but... Mike surely wouldn't want that for you. He wouldn't want you to feel sad doing the one thing you love. And you have so much talent, Adrian, but you don't use it."

"I just...," Adrian shakes his head, but Deeks is not wavered, "Look, I don't know Mike, I never met the guy personally. But I know how it is like to have someone you care for, someone you really love."

"Your secretary slash partner?" Adrian smirks.

"Right, her name's Kensi, by the way. And I love her. And if we were in the same spot as you and Mike... If I were to be Mike, I'd want her to be happy again, live her life, live her dream, and I'd want her to use her talents and make the best of it," Deeks tells him credibly.

"That may be, but...," Adrian sighs, but the detective interrupts him once again, "Adrian, you and I both know that, in the longrun, you won't make your luck in that orchestra. Those guys won't give you what you need or deserve, and they won't ever coz they are stupid, having one of the greatest talents in front of them and not using it."

"Well, I could try out some other orchestra around the area," Adrian shrugs.

"You seriously think that's gonna work? Some orchestra in the area? Adrian, if you wanna follow the one thing you have left in life, your music, then you have to step out of Mike's shadow, you have to let go, not only of the orchestra, or L.A., but most importantly you have to let go of him," Deeks tells him.

"It's just hard," Adrian admits feebly.

"I know," Deeks mutters in a soft voice. "Letting go is the hard part of life, really. But it's necessary. Sometimes we have to in order to move forward. You are young, Adrian, and you've become so rigid... in a way a man your age and your talent shouldn't."

"You think I have to break out of my routine," Adrian grimaces.

"It's the only way to move on. And that is what you need to live again. Right now... you said it yourself, you're just living half a life. If you want to have a full life again, moving forward is the first step back to happiness, as corny as it may sound. It's true, trust me," Deeks advises him.

"You might be right. Maybe I need a fresh start after all...," Adrian sighs, looking at the horizon again.

"I'm glad that you agree with me for once," Marty chuckles. He holds out an envelope to Adrian, who eyes it suspiciously, "What?"

"Open it, will you?" Deeks grins. Adrian grimaces as he opens the envelope to find a ticket to Italy, first class, and a registration form for an audition for one of the most prestigious orchestras in Italy, along with two recommendation letter.

"The recommendation letters are by Mr. Parker and Ms. Lange," Deeks tells him. "Ms. Lange is a big number in Italy and I may tell you that Mr. Parker believes in you, a lot."

"That is... oh my god... why are you…," Adrian mutters with wide eyes.

"That's your ticket to a fresh start, if you want it to be," Deeks tells him.

"Why are you doing this for me? I mean... the hell?!" Adrian gapes at him, still not quite believing it.

"You deserve it, Adrian. The only thing you ever did wrong was to make one wrong call by having sex with a married man. But for that you don't deserve to have to throw everything else away. Because what you'd be throwing away... gee, that's something that should be put in a showcase, for all to see. Adrian, you have so much to give to the world with your music, and I want you to embrace that," Deeks tells him.

"Marty, I...," Adrian stammers.

"Look, the only way for you to be happy again is to play. And you won't ever play the way you ought to in order to unleash your potential if you keep hiding your light under the bushel by playing second. You still have all chances in the world of making your luck, Adrian. You're young, and so damn talented. You can still change things. I mean... you're too young to be giving in to your fate and resign to always come in second. You can still make your luck. But honestly? Your luck is not situated in L.A. – and I fear it may never be. You have to go elsewhere, see the world, see different places, hear different music. You still have to find your place in this world, but you already got what you need on the planet, and that's your violin and your talent. Everything else... just details," Deeks goes on, offering a warm smile.

"Wow... no one's ever done something like that for me, ever," Adrian shakes his head, looking at the paper in his hands again.

"Well, I wish this was all me, but... I had a bit of big help here," Deeks grins.

"How did you get this anyways? I mean... the audition ticket?" Adrian frowns, to which Marty winks at him, "I have a very influential friend within the community with a fable for tea... and apparently she likes Italian gelato also."

"Your boss?" Adrian narrows his eyes. "The older woman who stayed with you, right?"

"You got it. No one knows how she got the connections, but... we don't ask either," Deeks shrugs. Adrian smirks at him.

"She heard you play and she wants you to become the best you can. She loved your play, and so do I. And here I got a chance to maybe promote the next best violinist in the world. I think it's kinda an obligation that I try, at least," Deeks smiles at him.

"I can't even tell you how thankful I am. I mean, the hell! You prevent me from prison, find the person who killed Mike, you clear my name, now this... wow. Just... wow," Adrian mutters, totally at a loss.

"You deserve it. And, once you're all famous and rich... you know that you owe me at least five hundred autographs I can sell for a grand each, if not more, some sweat-soaked towels for four grand, and a personal concert, once you're around L.A. again," Deeks winks at him.

"Anything," Adrian assures him.

"Good, and Hetty will come also, maybe Kensi, too... but you don't get to go all starlet on me, once you come back. When we meet again, once you're famous and rich, I want to meet you just like that. You'll do that for me, right?" Deeks grins at him.

"Even my ass of a father didn't manage to make me change, I think... no one can really," Adrian shrugs.

"Good, coz I like you just the way you are," Deeks tells him.

"Thanks," the violinist smiles back at him.

"Well, I think you have some retiring to do... I guess it'd be best if I went my ways...," Deeks says, straightening up. He feels a pull on his sleeve as he intends to stand, though.

"Huh?" he frowns at Adrian.

"We had a deal, remember?" Adrian grins.

"You still remember?" Deeks chuckles.

"I can play most music pieces by heart, I think I can remember such a thing also," Adrian shrugs.

"I feared you were gonna say that," Deeks shakes his head, sinking back down.

"So... what did you do?" Adrian questions. Marty takes a long while, staring at the ocean, licking his lips, "As you might have guessed, I know by now that you and I share… a common past, in a way."

"Why?" Adrian asks.

"We know about your old man," Deeks explains. Adrian bites his lower lip, "Yeah, that sucked."

"I had one made of the same stuff as well," Deeks goes on.

"How many shitty parents are out there, huh?" Adrian snorts.

"Too many," Deeks agrees. "He's beaten me around, too. A lot. And I felt very lost and alone… a lot."

"So… what did you do to… deal with it?" Adrian questions.

"When still a kid, my friend Ray gave me a gun coz my old man was an ass, the ass of asses in the world in my opinion. I kept that thing, in case...," he pauses for a few seconds before carrying on. "For a long while I used to... hold that gun to my head every night before I went to bed, after my mother had tucked me in... I really thought I was at my limit, that life couldn't get any worse. He was... beyond violent by the time. There wasn't a spot on my body that didn't hurt. And so I held that weapon to my head, again and again. I loaded it and held it to my head. And I was damn close to firing it."

"Why didn't you pull the trigger, though? I mean... I'm glad you didn't, but... why didn't you follow through? What made you not do it?" Adrian asks.

"Coz my life's real good now – and I wouldn't want to miss out on the good part of my life," Deeks tells him.

"But how would you have known that there would be at some point?" Adrian asks.

"I didn't," Deeks tells him simply.

"Then how did you tell this would make it worthwhile?" Adrian frowns.

"I didn't have to," Deeks smiles.

"Why?" Adrian questions.

"You don't have to know," Deeks shrugs.

"Well?" Adrian grimaces.

"Hope," Deeks says.

"You just hoped?" Adrian puckers his lips.

"Yeah. I always asked myself what might be five years from then, or twenty... and I figured that perhaps I'd have a family on my own, a house... a great job. Good friends. That I'd get out of this. That people can change. And if I had pulled the trigger... I never would have found out. I would've died at a time when there was no hope in my life, no happiness. And... I figured that... that my life would've been pretty much worthless, then, just like my old man said it was. And... I didn't want my life to be worthless. I wanted it to mean something. I hoped I could give it meaning, by doing something good, making things better than my old man did. I hoped," Deeks explains.

"That's why you became a cop?" Adrian asks.

"Yeah, one of the reasons, maybe the main reason. I just... well, I wanted my life to matter. And I think that... now it does at least a little," Deeks shrugs.

"I think it matters a lot. I saw how your team acted around you when they thought you'd get hurt. They were all over you. They care for you. And your... Kensi... she loves you, that's obvious. You've got people who care for you. I care for you also, and we barely know each other. You matter to other people, that means your life matters, also," Adrian shrugs.

"See? And that's why I didn't pull the trigger, for that one moment I'd have that," Deeks tells him. "That made me pull through the pain."

"Must've taken a lot out of you to decide on something that heavy at that age...," Adrian grimaces.

"I was ahead of my time, at times," Deeks chuckles.

"I'm glad you were. If not for Mike and... you... I may still be in the same spot... and be rigid," Adrian grimaces.

"Then maybe it was for something good after all... though I hope that you don't pull the trigger with your kinda stuff either, not if I bet on you that high," Deeks grimaces.

"I'm... I think I'll be past it. I really think," Adrian nods. "I hope."

"Good, coz I want people to hold their promises. Coz I try to keep mine," Deeks smiles.

"I will work for this, to deserve that chance you give me," Adrian assures him.

"Good," Deeks smiles.

"Thank you, for everything," Adrian tells him another time, in all honesty.

"It was a pleasure, Adrian," Deeks grins.

"Yeah, it was a pleasure, too, Marty," Adrian agrees. "… But one last thing?"

"Yeah?" Deeks looks at him.

"Once I come back all rich and famous, or not, and I give that private concert for you... you owe me a duet," Adrian narrows his eyes at him.

"The Mars?" Deeks grins.

"The Mars," Adrian nods.

"Good, looking forward to that," Deeks chuckles.

"Me, too," Adrian agrees.

"Well, then I wish you good luck. Don't make me regret this," Deeks nods.

"I won't," Adrian tells him.

"Then I'll see you... maybe some five years from now. You just gimme a call once you're in town, or when you feel like it, you know, bored outta your mind coz of Italy. You can call me without being rich and famous, too, just so that we keep in touch, that'd be nice. Maybe you tell me something about Italian orchestras then, and if they are just as nuts as the ones here. Or how you like the gelato," Deeks chuckles, getting up.

"Sure," Adrian grins.

"Good. Then I'm looking forward to... seeing you in the future. Bye, Adrian," Deeks says.

"Bye, Marty," Adrian breathes. With that Deeks walks off, a smile on his face. The detective makes his way over to the car, where Kensi is already waiting for him. He gets into the vehicle.

"How did it go?" Kensi asks in a soft voice.

"Good," her partner smiles at her, easing against the leather of the seat.

"How did he take the whole... real identity thing?" she goes on.

"Better than I thought. Adrian understood that I had to lie to him and he says he doesn't bear me a grudge for that, and he was earnest… I think. I think he and I will... stay friends, kinda," Deeks smiles.

"Great. You were kinda anxious on that one," Kensi smiles, feeling relieved. She knows how nervous he was at first to call Adrian and demand a meeting. It was no great guessing to see that Deeks cared about Adrian a great deal, but he really took a liking to that violinist, and he feared to be forced to part from him in a bad way.

"I was anxious anyways. I mean... I didn't know if it'd pan out," the detective admits.

"So he took the ticket?" Kensi smirks.

"Yeah, he's gonna do it," Deeks nods, a soft smile flashing over his face, staying in his eyes.

"Awesome. That's great," Kensi grins back at him.

"It is," her partner agrees.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" the female agent questions.

"Yeah... I think so, actually. He's a tough cookie. I mean... he's tougher than he seems at times, but... I really think Adrian can get past a crisis. And it'll do him good to do what he really loves. That's the best cure I figure," Deeks shrugs.

"Is it?" Kensi chuckles.

"Yeah... I know that from my own experience," Deeks sighs. She smiles to herself. Of course he knows that this works. To Deeks the cure of overcoming the trauma he suffered as a child from was to become a lawyer, then a cop, liaison agent… and maybe federal agent in the future, who knows? He cured himself by doing what he loves – protecting people, doing the right things. That, and surfing, of course. And Monty... and her, obviously.

"Deeks?" she asks after a while. He looks at her, so Kensi goes on, "It was really kind of you to do that for him."

"Hetty did for the most part. I mean... I never would've gotten him the audition-thing," Deeks shakes his head. Really, bless this woman for being so… epic in her own way.

"But you asked her. I find that really sweet of you," Kensi argues. Deeks smirks at her, "Sweet?"

Kensi suddenly leans over for a kiss. He smiles against her lips, "How do I deserve that honor?"

"For being sweet," she snickers. Deeks kisses her back another time before he flops down against his seat.

"I guess it's time to head home, then," Kensi grins.

"Yeah," he agrees.

"My place or your place?" Kensi asks.

"Whichever you like," Deeks shrugs. He doesn't really care anymore. She stores shirts and favorite blankets in his apartment, he leaves CD's and shampoo over at hers. He is home with her, whatever the place. She is his home.

"Your place, then. It's closer," Kensi winks at him. Deeks nods absently as Kensi starts the engine and drives over to his apartment.

Once they get there, they make their way inside. Kensi sits down on the couch, kicking off her boots, while he grabs two drinks from the fridge as he walks up to her. Kensi's eyes suddenly wander off to the corner, where there stands a violin case.

"You still have the violin Hetty gave you?" Kensi tilts her head. She didn't realize it around last time she was here.

Deeks gives her the bottle as he settles down next to her, snaking one arm around her to rest on the back rest, "Huh? Yeah."

"I thought it was hers," Kensi grimaces, taking a sip from the cool drink.

"It is," Deeks agrees.

"Well?" she frowns at him curiously.

"Well, Hetty said that I'm supposed to keep it," he shrugs. Not that he was not surprised about her sudden offer. He thought he'd just drop to the floor, to be honest, knowing how valuable this instrument is, but… Hetty insisted. And if Hetty insists, you take the offer.

"She gave it to you?" Kensi puckers her lips.

"You see, I had to agree that I wouldn't ever dare to sell it or whatever, but for as long as it stays here... she said I had to keep it, since we belong together, to quote her. I bled on that thing, literally. I guess this is some kind of blood oath that I keep it," Deeks furrows his eyebrows as he looks at the violin case.

"She wants you to continue to play, eh?" Kensi chuckles softly.

"Yeah, I guess she hopes that this violin will keep me at it, with practicing and all. The Hetty-way of getting her will once again," Deeks agrees.

"You say it as though this is outrageous to you?" Kensi frowns, now more seriously.

"Sure. I don't have much intention to continue. I mean, it's sweet of her to give it to me, okay, Hetty insisted and that's why I didn't say no, but... that I play was a one-time thing anyways. I did it for the job," Deeks shrugs.

"But you're so good," Kensi insists.

"And I'm also amazing at chugging down a beer in one swig. That doesn't mean I should do it all the time, though," he jokes.

"That's comparing apples and oranges," Kensi argues.

"Might be, dunno," he shrugs.

"… But why don't you wanna play? I mean... at times I really thought you enjoyed it," Kensi questions.

"Playing is cool... I really liked playing the Mars with Adrian, and... well, I love music. There is no point in arguing," he shrugs.

"So?" she frowns.

"I just don't dig... well..," he sighs. Kensi leans against him, her voice soft and caring, "You know you can tell me."

"I know I can. I don't know if I want to, though," he replies in a soft voice as well. Kensi gives him a tender kiss, "Don't shut me out."

Deeks looks at her, leaning his forehead against hers for a short moment, finding comfort in the contact. She glances at him with a mixture of affection and concern. She knows him too well already, really, so he eventually gives in, "... When I was still a kid, I... my mom came up with it that I should play. She wanted me to have something beside, you know, the beat-ups."

She turns a little more to face him directly, so he goes on, "Well, she wanted me to have something stable, I guess. I mean... we didn't talk about it like that. She, in all secret, suddenly told me that I'd get violin classes over at a friend's house. Miles Davis. I really enjoyed it. That was the only chance for me to focus on one thing at a time, you know. As for the rest... everything was just chaos. I had to keep the stories straight, the ones I was supposed to tell to authorities. And it was one emotional roller coaster back home."

"I picture that it must've been very much on you," she whispers, running her thumb over the back of his hand as a gesture of comfort.

"Life was practically raining down on me, you see? And when I played the violin... all that just disappeared. There was this kinda clarity I found a comfort. You know... there's you and the violin. Nothing else. I completely forgot about everything surrounding me. For those two hours I was just... I was just me, a relieved and calm me."

"That sounds nice," she nods, her voice no more than a whisper.

"By the way, that is also one of the reasons why I didn't have the best grades in the beginning. There was just too much on my mind these days. I had hard time concentrating. Then of course I got outta that and then passed the Bar Exam coz I'm friggin' amazing," he chuckles. She gives him a brief, but sad smile. It is typical for Deeks to do that, to try to lighten up the mood for others so they don't feel uncomfortable hearing about the pain he suffered through. It's just like him: Deeks doesn't want others to suffer, at least not the innocent and those people he cares for. It makes Kensi sad, though, that Deeks does that to himself. He wears a mask on these occasions, and she doesn't like it. Hates it. Because he can still smile the most beautiful smile of his and lie with it, because Deeks doesn't feel like smiling at all. And that betrays the beauty of his soft smile. It is only his eyes that fail him on these exact occasions, because you can see the emotion in them with every glance, as intense as ten suns.

"So... playing the violin was kinda my refuge. It grew to be the best time of my life back then. I mean... I could show emotion without hesitance, and without losing my face in front of the old man," Deeks goes on.

"How's that?" she asks softly, so he replies, "Well, my old man wasn't all into emotions, you know... giving it some thought he wasn't into anything much other than alcohol and violence, but that's beside the point. He always said I wasn't supposed to cry and all. You know how it goes. I guess it made him feel bad... whatever. Or good. He got the worst when I cried, like... real bad. Well, but when I played the violin, I didn't have to fear for that. I could just play and... feel that tune and not be afraid of it. And that was nice, real nice for a change…. To breathe, let go. Feel the music."

"I get that," Kensi nods.

"Well, it went on for a while," Deeks goes on.

"And then?" she grimaces.

"He found out," Deeks tells her simply.

"Oh," she sighs.

"He's headed me off after practice one day. He just grabbed me, pulled me into the alley and then punched me in the face so hard I fell to the ground bleeding," Deeks admits. Kensi bites her lip. She knows that Deeks' father was extremely violent, but to hear how easily that bastard punched his own son, her boyfriend whom she loves, for no reason at all, because there is no reason to beat your child. And then to think about how lighthearted Deeks is now, how easy-going and happy... it's a miracle, Kensi constantly reminds herself.

"He pulled me up by the hair and then dragged me back home," Deeks goes on. He stops, trying to keep up the smile. Kensi tenderly grabs his cheek, stroking it softly.

"He threw me through the backdoor, breaking it. He made me repair it later the week, for the record... He was that much of a dick. Mom ran up to us and saw me all bloody on the floor. She tried to get between the old man and me... bad idea, in the retrospective," he shakes his head.

"Why?" Kensi questions, to which he replies solemnly, "Coz she had her fair share of beat-up trying to keep him from hurting me. It was a mess. It always was. We scrambled into the living room, well... scrambled... got kicked... yelled at... beaten... punched... pick one. Mom cowered on the ground near the window. She was at her limit. Suddenly the old man grabbed the violin from the case and slammed it into my chest and just yelled at me to play."

She frowns at him, so Deeks goes on to explain, "Same thought I had. I mean... the hell?! He just told me how much of a waste of time and space I am and how I dared to do that foolish shit behind his back and then he tells me to play... just what the hell?! Then I thought that maybe he was just joking, you know? Taunting me or whatever. He sat back in his armchair, and then grabbed the bat he's always set beside, you know, in case... well, that was when I knew he wasn't joking. He meant it. When he swung it around a bit... I almost threw the violin to my chin. I actually had a bruise from that. When I moved my hand to take up the bow... I screamed so loud I still find it a miracle that no one's called the police by then. I cried my heart out coz he had broken a few of my fingers when he had stomped on them before. I thought my arm was gonna come off if I kept moving it, but it didn't... Whatever. I couldn't lift the bow, so the old man swung the bat at my mom..."

Kensi gasps, tears on the verge of falling. Deeks goes on, though, "So I started playing, this one piece I knew by heart… Sarabande. Whenever he thought I played a wrong tone, even if I didn't... he just swung the bat at me. When I took too long to catch my breath and start playing again, he swung it at my mother... It went on for, like, forever. After some time he finally got bored and told me to give him the violin back. I did, thinking that it was over now. Well, when I handed it to him, he swung the violin right into the back of my head, knocked me to the ground so fast I heard the thud only seconds after it actually happened. He knocked the violin into my back another time before throwing it next to my face just to smash it into tiny pieces. He told me that if I ever dared to go back to that house or touch that damn instrument ever again, he'd end my mother in front of my eyes, slowly, and then beat me to pulp until the pain kills me... well... this somehow didn't leave me, you know?"

"I'm so sorry," she breathes, wiping a tear away.

"Don't be. I'm not," he tells her sternly. "He did it, so us being sorry for it… is actually beside the point. If anyone should have been sorry… it would have been him. Not you or I or my mother. So don't be sorry, please."

"So you never… played since?" she asks instead.

"I did, actually," Deeks admits. "I kinda exaggerated when I said that I never touched a violin since that time. I wanted to make Hetty leave it alone."

"How did you pick up the bow again?" Kensi questions.

"Well, I did play in that band I told you about, you know, once he was in prison. I thought it was a kind of middle way. Playing an instrument resembling a violin… and that was fine, but then… we had a small ensemble in our High School, for the classics. They were to go to a contest, but… unlucky them, the school had served some nasty… burrito, I don't know. Half of the kids got sick, including the violinists they had. One of the ensemble was a friend of mine, so he knew that I used to play at some point. I was against it a lot, but… I didn't want to let them down. I mean, they couldn't help the evil burrito. So… I went with them to the contest," Deeks explains.

"Did you win?" Kensi asks curiously.

"Nope, but they weren't angry over it or so. They were totally thankful that I tried at least. And that was… really nice, you know? They never pressured me, and I guess that helped a great deal," Deeks smiles faintly.

"Aha," she breathes.

"Well, I agreed to stick around. I thought that maybe enough time had passed and I could pick up the bow again, but… I can't even pinpoint the moment anymore. All I know is that suddenly… I heard Sarabande inside my head again. I was so freaked that I had to quit. I couldn't sleep because I kept hearing those tunes inside my head. So… the bow stayed in the closet again and… we were going separate ways anew," Deeks sighs.

"Was there another time?" Kensi tilts her head.

"Indeed, yes. It was… short time after I passed the Bar. I went on vacation with a group of friends. We went to Jamaica. I was on one of the street markets when I saw a group of musicians jamming. I tell you, they were simply amazing. They had mostly classical instruments, also a violin, but also local instruments, to give it the Jamaican flair and groove. Everyone just went with the flow. It was great. Well, the violinist managed to ruin one of his strings. When he couldn't get it fixed, I offered him to help with the string. He was totally happy and asked me if I played. I said yes, and so that guy just thrust his violin in my hand and pretty much forced me to jam with them. I mean… it was totally insane, but… one of the greatest moments in my life. Honestly. That was music the way it ought to be," he smiles at the memory, and Kensi agrees, "That sounds nice."

"It was. It was so nice that I purchased a cheap violin this very day and started playing again. I mean, I didn't ever take classes again, but I played for the fun of it. I was just about to buy myself a better violin once I was back home, months later. I was looking for the right one, went from store to store… and then it was back again," he grimaces.

"Sarabande," she nods slowly.

"Yeah. I know it's just inside my head, but back then I really thought the violin was haunting me. My knuckles hurt with phantom pains and I dreamed about all those things I tried to forget about. In the end I smashed the violin to tiny little pieces and simply tried not to think about it anymore," Deeks exhales. "There was only one more intermezzo when working for the LAPD… Christmas party. And wow, did that suck."

"So you heard Sarabande again?" Kensi grimaces, but Deeks shakes his head, "No, the other 'musicians' were just straight-up awful, and we only played something along the lines of… Silent Night… just that it wasn't silent, but simply horrific. I never wanted silence more than at this moment."

She grins at him. He can't help but smile, too.

"So yeah, the violin and I had a very strange kind of off-and-on-relationship," Deeks sighs.

"But still you... did that assignment?" Kensi asks tentatively.

"It was a job," Deeks shrugs.

"You could've said no. If you'd just said that your father did such things, then...," Kensi means to say, but Deeks just shakes his head, "I can keep work and not-work apart, most of the time. I don't have to be homeless to play a homeless person. So I can also play a violinist without being one. It's a game."

"You and I both know that this was no game to you, Deeks," Kensi narrows her eyes at him. He often fools her with his smile, but not always, not anymore.

"Someone else played, then...," Deeks exhales.

"Julian?" she cocks one eyebrow.

"Yeah," Deeks nods.

"But you weren't Julian in practice, Deeks. You were you. That means you played at some point," Kensi insists.

"Some sacrifices gotta be made. Mike deserved to have his murderer turned in, just as Adrian deserved to be relieved of that guilt. That's what counts by the end of the day. Justice was served," Deeks tells her.

"And you don't deserve that, you think?" Kensi asks.

"No one can take that from me... I guess," Deeks frowns. He never thought about it like that, to be honest.

"But you can take it from Adrian?" Kensi grimaces.

"Yes, coz Adrian didn't have anything to do with it, Kens, that makes the difference here," Deeks argues.

"And you didn't have to do with any of it either. You were only just a child," Kensi tells him in a soft voice.

"You know how he found out?" Deeks chuckles sadly.

"Your father?" his partner grimaces.

"Yeah. Coz of three things. One, I took the violin home with me. I hid it under the bed, as if he'd never look there, damn stalker. Two, I always went to practice the same day, same place, in the fuckin' neighborhood rather than some other district, or at school... it didn't take a genius to figure that I was off for something steady. And the third reason, quite simple, was that when he decided to do what he did… we had summer holidays, so I said to myself I wanted to go to practice more often. And Miles gladly helped me. The old man just did the math," Deeks exhales.

"So?" Kensi grimaces, so he goes on, "I've had a good shot at changing something about the situation. I could've practiced at school, could've changed the intervals, could've left the violin with Miles. Just as it was when I was shot, I was reckless by being that obvious in my routine. Adrian couldn't help it that Susanne's that psychotic to believe that her dead brother and boyfriend are haunting her to kill the man she thinks responsible for Greg's death, and her brother to kill me so that both can sleep. I could help that back then, so I really had that one coming."

Kensi grasps his hand tighter, looking at him, "Don't."

"Don't what? I thought you wanted me to talk about this...," Deeks frowns.

"Don't you dare blame yourself for that, you hear me? There's nothing you did wrong when it comes to your father and how he treated you. You didn't deserve that, no one does. He had absolutely no right to treat you or your mother as he did," Kensi tells him sternly.

"I know all that, Fern. I talked to psychologists when joining the LAPD as well as your Doc when entering this club. Self blame's a bad thing. I was a child and couldn't help it that my father was an ass, whatever. I have been through it often enough," Deeks exhales.

"Still it doesn't seem to have sunken through to you, though," she grimaces. "Or else you wouldn't say so."

"That I shouldn't blame myself? Kens, you've seen the bad yourself. You know how it's like to, well, see the dark sides of life, your own way. It doesn't sink in, it never does, but I don't see the point in trying to go over that again and again. It'll never sink in, so why should I always start a heart-to-heart when dealing with this? I rather say that I'm past this and that I don't blame myself and never did or whatever... it saves me the effort. It saves me the good life-time I have now," Deeks argues. She takes his hand and holds on firmly, searching his eyes, "It makes me sad that you've been through this ordeal."

"And you've been through bad stuff yourself," he tells her.

"But I had at least a considerably normal family life for a little while...," Kensi sighs.

"Callen didn't either," Deeks snorts. He is not the only one with a troubled past, let's face it. And in contrast to his team leader, there is no mafia-family or whatever meaning him harm. He just had a drunkard for a father who's beaten him around. He learned by now that there is worse – and Deeks is honestly past the point where he complains about his past.

His life now is too good to complain about things he can't change anymore anyways.

"But he hasn't been hurt by that one man that's supposed to protect you – and that's difference here, Deeks. And for that I'm very… sad," Kensi argues. Deeks looks at her for a moment, but then means to get up, putting on an uncertain smile, "Wanna order pizza for dinner? I could use some pizza. I think I got..."

"Deeks, don't just avoid this," Kensi insists, holding on to him more firmly.

"Fern, I don't wanna talk this out. That pretty face's not supposed to look sad," he argues, brushing his thumb over her cheek, where a tear meant to roll down, "So, pizza... or maybe some Thai food. Didn't have that in a while..."

"Deeks," Kensi tries again.

"Kensi, I really...," he grimaces, but she won't let him slip away, not like this, "Let me get this one thing straight, I beg you."

"Fine, okay, sorry," he says, holding up his hands. It seems to be a matter of heart to her.

Kensi looks him deeply in the eyes as she speaks, "I'm sad this happened to you. I'm sad that your father treated you like this and destroyed you in so many ways. But the more I think about it, the more it amazes me to see where you are today."

"Kens," he moans, feeling uncomfortable, but Kensi won't let him escape, "I mean that just as I say. You know the statistics as well as I do. Many of them turn out suicidal or at least do self-harm. Majority of children who have been abused will later on be abusive as well, are at higher risk for committing crime, alcohol and drug abuse, and thanks to what they may have missed out on at school due to injuries and maltreatment, they have trouble getting themselves proper jobs, which only adds to it. But you're not like that."

"I beat up people and get paid for it," Deeks huffs.

"You're doing the right thing. You are hunting down bastards like you father was one. You do those things for good. You... you became a good person. An agent, and a damn good one," she tells him in all honesty.

"It's still not out yet if I don't turn out to be him in the end," Deeks mutters, making Kensi stare at him in shock, "What do you mean?"

"Well, is it that clear that I won't be like him, if I have kids one day? I ask myself that for pretty long time now. What if I turn out to be just that?" he admits feebly. That is one of the things he normally wouldn't ever say out loud. He keeps it hidden in the silence, but… but the words just come out.

"What? How can you think that?" Kensi gapes at him.

"As you said, I know the statistics. I know that I have best prospects of being a bad father, coz I never learned it otherwise. I only had one dad to learn from and... he was at least in the top ten of bad parenting examples," Deeks shrugs.

"But you're good with children," Kensi insists. She saw him interact with them, and children love Deeks, they really do.

"I can entertain them for a while. I can babysit, but I don't know how it's gonna be with my own children, when I'm around them... all the time... and it scares the living shit outta me that I may turn out to be just like the old man," Deeks admits, his right fist flexing involuntarily at the thought.

"You won't," Kensi then says, to which he sighs, "Coz you won't let me, I know."

"Right, I won't let you, but I know it's never gonna come to it that I have to keep you from that, being a bad parent. You are a good person down to the core. You still have hopes and fun and... you still smile. And I know for sure that if you ever have kids, you'll be so full of love for them that you'd rather let them do everything than do something only similar to what your father did," Kensi tells him.

"... I don't know," he exhales.

"But I do," Kensi argues sternly, not in the least wavered by his mimic or his words.

"How?" he asks in a croaked voice.

"You really think I'd kiss a guy who could possibly be like that? You really trust my judgment that little?" she huffs.

"Well, it might be I'm not that guy now, but I still might be... later on," Deeks mutters.

"Deeks, I know you about the best anyone knows you as of now. I know you and I know that you'll be anything but that in the future. And if, by some faint chance, you'd actually be... there's still me to pull you back," she shrugs.

"You'd start to hate me," he tells her.

"No, I wouldn't let it go that far. Just as you told Mr. Smith back in the interrogation room. I wouldn't let it escalate. I promise you hereby that before you could even turn to be him in the slightest I'll kick your ass so hard that you won't ever get a chance. There's still me between you and that maybe-your-father-alike-you in the future," she vows.

"Does that mean... 'I'll always be there for you'?" he frowns.

"Take it as you like, but I mean it," Kensi nods. Deeks gives her a quick kiss, his eyes a little teary. He tries to smirk, but Kensi presses her index finger against his lips, kissing him again, this time deeper, tears now freely running down her skin.

"Don't smile like that," she breathes.

"What?" he frowns at her.

"This is not happy right now. Don't smile just to lighten up the mood. You got a right to be sad. I don't want you to lose the honest smile at the cost of this one. Okay? I like your smile, the honest one. Not this one," Kensi whispers. She cups his cheeks with her hand. He leans into her touch.

"What would I be without you, huh?" Deeks shakes his head slowly.

"A music piece unfinished," she grins.

"Right," he agrees, holding her closer to himself.

She is part of his secret code.

Part of the words he doesn't say.

The tunes he doesn't play.

He has hope.

She gives it to him, his friends give it to him, his job, his mission.

He doesn't feel this pain anymore.

The decision paid off in the end.

He is happy now.

His secret code, his music is happy with him.

Sarabande does no longer take his breath away.

Or steals his heart.

There is no longer a blizzard, but spring.

Perhaps that is what the secret codes are all about?

That you are not alone?