Six Foot Deep

by eckles

Dawn has an opportunity to study with her idol, Lara Croft. And Buffy decides to tag along as the next adventure of her sister's Hero happen's to be directly linked to the Slayer Origin. But a deeper mystery is why is Lara now calling herself Mrs Harris?

4. Chapter 4

"Alright, Butler-Guy has now turned the corner and left the corridor. It looks like we're free and clear." Dawn slowly and gently closed the door from the slither of visual access her peeping could allow. But stating that she thought both she and her sister were 'free and clear' seemed right now to be a perilous and almost redundant statement as any she could make, on forethought they were probably both as far from it as humanly possible.

Buffy removed herself from all fours after spying under the twin beds, blowing strands of her blonde hair off her forehead as she did so. "Okay, from a lay-woman's point of view I don't see any cameras or microphones around the place. But then again given how loaded our host is I don't think she is shy a nickel to spend on the best and least obvious surveillance gear imaginable. So we better just assume that she has us wired for sound anyway."

Buffy then paced determinedly over to the window. She unfastened the catch to the windows and drew back the curtain further, spying out into the night trying to judge the jump, or be it fall, to the garden terrace below. "We're not locked in; we can strike that up as a bonus." Without looking back over her shoulder to properly engage her sister, Buffy strained her eyes. Using her enhanced Slayer-Sight to help peer out into the darkness in a vain hope of identifying the property layout of the vast Croft Estate is that tent made out of concrete?

After several seconds, she surrendered. There was no way she could get her bearings. The road that they came in on was a private one and it bent and twisted all the way to the front door of the Manor. It was impossible for her to make a geographical judgement of where they were precisely to the nearest public road. Even if they did safely leave the room without being detected, without any intimate knowledge of the property's landmarks they could end up walking for hours in the wrong direction before morning broke and then they would be easily discovered.

"I think we should stay put, nothing would be gained for either of us wandering around blindly without so much as a torch, except give off the whole 'we don't trust you' vibe when we are eventually found missing. So after tonight's discoveries I guess we can go one of two ways."

"And that is?" Dawn said joining her sister over by the window and looking down into the inky night that seemed to perfectly camouflage the distance to the ground below.

"Well, on the plus side, they didn't put us in a secure room which tells me they either don't expect us to make an early and impromptu departure, aka 'escape', or they *really* were not expecting us to stay over for the night."

Dawn numbly nodded her head in agreement as her sister continued, bowing to the elder's unique experience to being placed in these situations.

Buffy continued, her tone becoming harder and more akin to the 'take-charge' Buffy that Dawn always hated hearing her sister evolve into during times of danger. "But just because they have been given the benefit of the doubt re: accomidation/imprisionment doesn't mean we can say to ourselves that this whole thing tonight wasn't some kind of ruse. And that her Ladyship bringing up 'Watchers and Slayers' wasn't one Hell of a co-inky-dink. I've played this role so many times that I've practically got my 'Lines' fully memorised verbatim. Croft knows exactly who we are and that her inviting the pair of us out to her Estate, which I might add is dozen's of miles from the nearest town and neighbour, is riper then one-week old fish."

Dawn vigorously shock her head in the negative to the diabolical conclusion being reached by her sister. "I can't believe she's evil, Buffy. She's my absolute hero, I've read nearly every adventure she has ever had published ten-times over."

"People can sometimes be a disappointment when met in real life Dawn. I'm not saying she hasn't done some amazing things but that doesn't automatically make her a good guy."

Dawn leaned over and pulled closed the window, more as a means keeping out the chilly countryside night-time air then to offer any impression of not wishing to escape. "Look I get that her inviting us and then dropping the 'Slayer/Amazon' Bombshell was pretty big in the suspicious-meter. And I know that the timing of her asking me to interview as an 'apprentice' on the exact same day you flew back into England, after spending a three-year absence makes things look, well, sinister. But does all that make her a bad guy?"

Buffy's brow scrunch in thought, true thus far there wasn't much evidence to support the whole 'Big Bad' Scenario aside from the circumstantial kind. But her gut was telling her that this self-named 'Tomb Raider' was concealing something from the pair of them, something big. And of coarse Lara had automatically gotten on her bad-side the moment she made Dawn into a patsy in order to get her involved. And even though her younger sister hadn't said anything yet it was clear to Buffy that deep inside that Dawn's heart had been broken at this realisation and what was now on show was her 'this-happens-so-often-to-me-that-I've-become-used-to-it' face.

This was Dawn's moment to shine and be acknowledged by a person she admired and she wanted her big sister to share in the moment. Buffy's fists clenched tightly, if she wasn't already wanting to do a pound-down on that perfect face of the Ladyship for trying to play her for a fool, then she sure as Hell wanted to beat her to a pulp for making her sister now doubt that the only true value she would ever have in this world would be as nothing more then 'Buffy-Bait'. Both of them had thought that they had left that type of clichéd crap back at the Hellmouth, but apparently that was just wishful thinking on both their parts.

With as much restraint as possible, Buffy kept her reply non-committal and casual. Doing her best to conceal a torrent of protective-sisterly anger. "Alright, no judgements at this time. We'll just mark her allegiances as an 'Unknown', alright? But it's clear to me that she has some kind of agenda playing out here, Dawn. You need to consider that there is more going on then she is letting us privy too, okay?"

Buffy then wrapped her arm around her sister and offered the younger a gentle embrace of comfort before she spoke again. "She may do good things, but that doesn't mean she isn't willing to do bad stuff on the way to achieving it. Y'know what they say, 'Road to Hell' an' all that. If I learned anything with my brief stint with Maggie Walsh and the Initiative it's this - goals and objectives might be noble ones but that doesn't mean that the methods used are righteous. I thought Walsh walked on water and that the Initiative was the answer to me finally having a normal life, of sorts. But we both know how that all worked out, don't we? If she turns out to being someone who believes 'the end justifies the means' then I'll need to take her down hard, and I can't have you getting in my way and telling me not too just because you're the President of her Fan Club. If that is what I have to do, then that is what I *will* have to do and you are going to have to accept that. Are we clear on this Dawn?"

From Dawn's sullen expression it was obvious that she understood what her sister was saying and it broke Buffy's heart to see those features emerge on her younger sister's face. "Look, Dawn, I'll cut her as much slack as possible, I promise. If she gives me the opportunity to give her a 'way-out' without any disaster being the result, I'll do it. But if this is something that affects the other Slayer's and the Council, Giles, you, everybody I hold dear, then the kid-gloves will be coming off and that bitch will have to be buried."

Dawn didn't respond to the declaration. Instead with a timid voice she asked a question that was already playing heavily in the back of the Slayer's own thoughts and prompted them to step into the forefront. "What about all the other stuff she said?"

"What stuff?"

For the briefest of moments Dawn pulled another face that instantly reminded Buffy of their mother when she was in a scolding-are-you-serious mood. "Come on, Buffy. About the Slayer's Spirit's origin, the Curse and the influence the spirit has on its Host. You have to admit, there was a lot of stuff there that rang kinda true to what we already knew and suspected. Probably not to the Origin, but the whole group of Holy Men cursing a young girl to carry on the 'fight' from one body to the next? That we already knew when you did your time-jumpy thing. And as to the whole 'Spirit' guiding choices, decisions and behaviour? We've seen you go from pleasant upbeat Buffy to PMS 'My Way or the Highway' Buffy so many times over the years that I've lost count."

Buffy drew in what Dawn was saying and looked down to her feet with an intense stare. It was true, for a majority of what Lara was saying moments earlier she could easily substantiate from her own personal experience. But part of her didn't wish to accept it all, because if she was to accept all of what Lara had told the pair then it also meant that she may have most likely thrown away the only true chance she had to be free of the Slayer-Curse, to be a normal woman, to be truly loved and be extraordinarily happy. She just prayed that Dawn didn't *

"* And what about that loop-hole she was taking about? Y'know the whole 'true-love' thing being able to break the curse of the Slayer? Is that even true? When Lara mentioned it, your face kinda lost all expression for a bit, then your ears pricked up and … and … you got this really far away look in your eye."

This time it was Buffy's turn to look sullen and nod her head to her sister's words.

Dawn looked at her sister and then out the window to the moon above with regret, believing that she was maybe too confrontational on what must be a very delicate subject for her elder. She waited a few moments and readdressed the topic in a softer tone. "Lara said that a curse can't be a curse if the recipient, in this case the Slayer Spirit, wasn't experiencing some torment. That this meant that Fate would have somehow found a way to place your 'True Love' at your side. But … but you fell in love with and had sex with Angel and nothing happened."

A mummer of an answer was offered. "Nothing good."

Dawn chose not to counter the almost hushed reply of her sister, even though her own head was gently and involuntarily bobbing in agreement to what was just spoken. Seeing her ever proactive sister like this stirred something maternal in her, she continued offering a soothing tone to her voice. "Maybe Lara was wrong about there being a curse?"

"No. For some strange reason, in the pit of my stomach I really don't think so. I think she might be on-the-money." Buffy looked up and met the vision of the moon that her sister had been looking at seconds before; gaining strength in this momentary bond the two were sharing. "When she was going on about her forefather's Journal my Slayer Sense was buzzing like it's never done before. It usually only does that when there is mondo-supernatural-danger nearby. What Lara was telling us had it scared to death. I was on the verge of nearly blacking out from the pain it was so bad."

Dawn tore her eyes off their lunar neighbour and turned to face her sister. "But it might have only been warning you because we were being handed a plate full of BS."

"No. The Slayer Sense started throbbing when you were talking about the origins of that piece of pottery of hers. We hadn't even touched on her Ancestor's Journal yet. That Plate and its history got it on edge and the headache just got worse and worse until we got near the end of the discussion."

"Why? What happened at the end?"

"I started putting the pieces of everything Croft was saying together in my head and began comparing it with my own personal memories. I guess that once the Spirit realised that I was in 'problem-solving' Buffy-mode and had reached my conclusion, it gave up."

"Then … then why didn't you stop being a Slayer after you slept with Angel. He was your Soul-Mate, wasn't he? That's what you always said."

Given the teenage-crush Buffy knew Dawn had supported when she was younger for Xander, and of the drama that had been centred around them both over the last couple of days since she arrived back in England on barer of that name, the elder sister did not feel comfortable voicing her conclusions, opting instead to remain silent. Continuing to look longingly up at the moon instead. The same moon she thought that particular male in-question was probably looking up at right now as well.

"Okay. Well, maybe … maybe it was because Angel was a Vampire, or perhaps it was because he was cursed too? What if the two curses cancelled each others out?"

Buffy sighed a defeated sigh. "Then Angel would never have become Angelus again, would he. And we both know that's exactly what happened. Angel got a 'A Moment of Complete Happiness' courteously of yours truly and then went bad for four months. Putting me through guilt ridden hell because I couldn't screw up the courage to face him. Not until the very end at least when it all came down to the wire of either me killing and sending him to Hell or welcoming said-Hell to dear old planet Earth. Funny, when most girls lose their virginity it's something they remember or cherish, for me it's something I would have preferred to forget or not even have had happened."

"What if *"

Buffy cut off her sister's desperate analysing. As much as she was grateful for the whole 'grasping at straw reasoning' Dawn was pursing on her behalf there was an argument which was spoken earlier that her younger sister was not considering. "* And maybe I got it all wrong? Croft did say that her Ancestor believed that the Spirit would intentionally steer it's vessel to substitutes if it found the connection with its 'Puppet' a pleasing one. Maybe that's what happened here with me? Maybe my Mr Right came into line of sight and the Slayer Spirit pointed my hyped-up and angsty teenage hormones to Mr Left instead? Giving whoever my Prince Charming was the chance to keep walking on by and date other girls and eventually … move on from love-lost Buffy."

Dawn reached out her hand and clamped it over Buffy's. "Look on the bright side, if that's really what happened then at least he was able to get away. Remember? Lara also said that there was documented evidence which suggested that in some cases the Slayer Spirit would temporarily take full control over its Host and then kill the 'Love'-obstacle. Removing, from its point of view, the threat of having itself expelled into a new and unknown body. And let's face some hard realities Buffy, you have on occasion mentally-phased out from reality from time to time and taken a backseat to your Slayer-self. And if you do things like that without much prompting, then I think it would be fair to say that whoever your 'True-Love' would have been they would have been fair game to a midnight Buffy-visit followed by a moonlight strangulation. It would have to take someone pretty strong willed to force a persona as powerful and as old as the First Slayer back and still keep control if she had it's own mind set on something."

"And you're saying I don't have that type of self-control?"

"Not all the times, no."

Buffy folded her arms in front of her and arched her eyebrow in a curious and challenging gesture to her sister's statement. "Are you saying I have less will power then that Slayer from the middle-ages who got all dovey with her Blacksmith boyfriend?"

Dawn matched the folded arms posture and replied in an almost Giles-ish manner and tone. "THAT Slayer, Lara said, had also been weaken by demon venom and had probably been resting in bed with a fever for a month. The Slayer part of her was probably more fixated upon using it's mojo to keep it's Chosen One alive and getting well then to focus on the various amorous emotions taking place between it's Host and some dashing village Smithy. When the fever finally broke it was probably too late for it to do anything, the Vampire Slayer of that time was probably already head over heels in love. The physical consummation was almost certainly just a matter of course. I mean look at Faith, she's not exactly a debutant or weak-willed. Like you, she doesn't like giving up power to anyone. There is resilience and determination to her character, she doesn't let anyone tell her what to do or bully her around and still at the end of the day she nearly choked to death her 'True Love'. If it wasn't for Angel, Xander would have been murdered six years ago."

Buffy didn't know what surprised her more, the fact that Dawn was speaking so casually about Faith trying to end her once teenage crush or how certain her younger sister's voice was towards associating the 'True Love' status of Faith automatically too Xander. "You seem pretty sure of that, about him being her 'fated'. What if Xander was just a victim of circumstances?"

Dawn unfolded her arms and sat on the edge of the nearest bed. "No. I'm almost 99-percent positive that he was. Remember when Willow bought her back from LA with her tail between her legs to help us out with the First?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I kinda cornered her that night as she was preparing her bed in Mom's old room. Telling her not to think all was forgiven just because she said a few 'sorry's to everyone. I made it clear that I had my eyes on her and I then told her not to get any closer then two arms lengths from Xander at any one time, day or night. She laughed at that, thought it was funny that I would threaten her before she even had a chance to go and use our bathroom. Said something about how I should 'play it cool and not to be so obvious.' Anyway, she then said that she had her chance with the Xan-Man and there was a snowball's that he would ever give her a second. We started chatting after that, not right away mind you, but I got a chance to know her a bit. Actually, I got to know her real well if I'm honest. It was … uncomfortable at first, but after a while it got easier. I suspect she needed to unload on someone and I was the only one around who would give her the time of day."

"Yeah? But why you of all people?"

"Well, during the day you were always either in the 'war room', aka our Dining Room, looking over old maps of Sunnydale or immersing yourself in literature referencing 'the First'. Either that or hanging out with Spike in the basement. Willow was just as bad, she was either with you and Giles in the WR or spending time with Kennedy. Anya was usually with Andrew. As for Xander? He was always playing go-fer for everybody else as well as trying to balance a Job to keep money coming in to help pay for all the food and cover the bills. So during the day when Faith wasn't wasting time taunting Anya, she and I were hanging out either in her room or in the kitchen. Just chatting about stuff."

"Gee, as role model's go, you don't think you could have picked someone a little less … skanky? I would have much preferred you hangout with Anya then Faith, and you know how I felt about you spending time too much time with her. Did you really think buddying up with the resident 'Black-Sheep' was a good idea?"

"Actually, it was. At least I thought so. She didn't do the whole holier-then-thou shtick that I got from you or Giles whenever I asked her a question about things and life. With you it was always – 'Don't do it'."

"And I firmly stand by that advice. Regardless of the question, 'Don't do it' easily applies to all and it would ensure the individual's safety at all times?"

"Buffy, telling a hormone-crazed teenaged girl not to do something is like daring them to go out right away and do it! What was all that a year earlier about you wanting to show me the World? Faith explained the whys and wherefores that you never did and if I am completely honest, some of her stories were really bitchen!"

"Bitchen?"

"Hey, she could really offer you a word-picture, know what I mean?"

"I'm s-o-o-o-o-o-o sorry that my effort's weren't as entertaining for you, but I was dealing with bigger issues at the time then Boy's, Fashion and the latest hot celebrity match-ups. First Evil, bit of a big deal, Dawn!"

"I know that." Dawn's shoulder's slumped. "Look, we didn't just talk about boy's and stuff, we also chatted. Actually, I told you a lie earlier. Faith didn't just need me, I needed her as well. I was feeling invisible, surrounded by Potential's from far away places. All with mondo-interesting lives before they were all called. Each one bragging about how they were going to all be heroes. Like I said before, I didn't have anyone to share this stuff with. And neither did Faith. She came on board halfway through the First Evil thing and people were expecting her to be some kind of secret weapon. We talked. We talked like you and I used too during that Summer when Willow and Giles were in England and Xander was practically living at our place."

"The 'Happy Family' days."

"Yeah, I really loved those months when we three were all together and not just because Xander was there playing 'Dad'. Trust me, the thoughts I had during that time would probably have earned me time in a therapist sofa. Some of my dreams back then boarded on incestuous."

Despite herself, Buffy's, face broke out in a warm smile as she remembered how 'right' everything felt for her during those three-months as well. Sure, she still did the slaying. But when she came home at the end of the night, she actually felt like it was 'Home' and not a house full of people.

Xander always had a late night meal warming in the oven. Dawn was in bed resting up for another day Summer-Time Freedom. And Xan was in the Dining Room looking over Blue Print's and Company Cost Figures. Since their Mom passed on, this was as perfect and as blissful of a time as she had ever had on the Hellmouth. And it didn't matter if it was one a.m. or three, Xander was always there to tag off from 'Dawn Patrol' Duty and to stick around for an extra hour to indulge her with his company as she ate his dinner and wound down from the night's patrol. Just kicking back and chatting about ordinary stuff. Then Xander would sneak off to his own place and try and slide in a few hours of solid REM's before he had to get up and face the day on the Construction Site of the new High School.

She remembered thinking back then that she wished this 'family moment' could have lasted forever. Maybe if she had the guts and actually asked Xander out … after all they were both then single, things for her would have been a hell of a lot more different then they were now if she did. There was no denying it; Xander had certainly come into his own while she was 'dead', career-wise. He now had money coming out of his ears. With a job that had serious prospects. And she had to admit that once he has stopped stress-binging because of his impending and doomed nuptials to Anya and started to eat a sensible diet again he slimed down to the same muscular frame he had when she first started College, which was pretty yummy on the eyes. Truth to say, there was no logical reason why she shouldn't have asked him out. But she never did.

"… stuff like French kissing all the way to spotting an inferior quality condom."

Buffy blinked herself back to reality, not aware of how long she had just spaced out. But her sister chatting about French Kissing and Condoms that was enough to rattle herself aware. "Are you kidding me? These were the topic's you discussed? In my house?"

A sneaky smile formed on the younger Summer's sister's face, possibly because she knew she had just caught her sister out in her 'day-dreaming'. "*OUR* House. And yeah those were some of the topics we chatted about. Who better to steer a person away from sin then a repentant sinner? At least with me she knew where I was coming from and that I wasn't trying to be anything more then I was. After awhile it started to be a bit of an event, she held a round-table in the kitchen where all the Potential's would rock up after they had walked out on the latest Power-Point Lecture from Andrew. A lot of girl talk, fun and Q & A."

"The Potential's were supposed to be training to be Slayer's. Andrew's lesson's were *"

"*They were a joke, Buffy. Come on, did you ever actually sit down and listen to any? Or failing that half of just *one* of them?"

"Well, … no. Like I said I had bigger fish to fry."

"Andrew's lectures were pointless, Buffy. They did nothing to really educate and prepare, it just gave him the excuse to play dress-up and live out a 'Teacher/Student' fantasy. Most of them only stayed long enough to find out what the 'subject' of the day was and then they high-tailed it. What Andy knew about Vamps and Demon's he got from Comic's and old horror movies. You wanted them to learn how to be Slayer's, why not have a class or two taught by actual Slayer's? All you did was get them to do callisthenics until they nearly passed out from physical exhaustion. Faith actually got to know them one-on-one. They asked the 'What if's' and she gave them answer's that would save their life, unlike Andrew. Besides, Faith believed that 'all work and no play' would just tense them up when the time came so she kept things as informal as possible. Sure she might have whined to Giles, Spike and the rest of the Gang about playing 'Mother Hen' to a bunch of 'wannabes'. But deep down she was secretly thrilled too bits. Any topic with her was fair game."

"And during these 'Round Tables' you chatted about her trying to kill Xander?"

"Actually, after he lost his eye rescuing Rona there were very few conversations at the Summer's Homestead that *didn't* involve Xander. Her trying to kill him was only the second most popular of her various tales. The one that she told to the point where I could recite it word for word was the one when they ended up making mad monkey love with one another."

Dawn shrugged her shoulder's in a none committal type of way to counter her sister's surprised expression. "Everyone back then was talking about him and Faith-time really wasn't any exception to that rule. I think it was cathartic for everyone. Willow, Giles, Anya, me, even Andrew got onto the act. We talked about some of his history, background. Stories about the early days of the Scooby's and the adventures he shared in. Everything from Preying Mantis lady who had a thing for male virgins to his brainstorm on how to kill the Judge. Everybody offered something. Willow talked about the time he got infected by a Hyena-Spirit all because he had come to the rescue of Jonathon as well as when he became Soldier-Guy and basically helped keep gentile-buffy safe from all the weirdness of Halloween. Then there was the time he went undercover on the swim team and nearly became a mere-man for the effort. Every conceivable story of him was told and retold, and our Potential Audience just drank it all up. To be honest, I don't think anyone, aside from me, really knew how brave and cool he truly was until they actually started to hear themselves talk about him aloud. Dozens of stories turned into hundreds. Serious ones, funny ones. Like when Anya's Troll 'ex' demanded that he chose between Anya or his best friend for hammer-squishing and he refused even after he had the crap beat out of him by the brute. Or the one when Xander fell for that exchange student, Ampata, and she ended up being a life-sucking Zombie and he would not let her drain Willow, even to be with her. Giles had to take a pause a few times and swear at himself after that one was told for being such an idiot for not to have treating him better after.

"Andrew even stayed up all night one time drawing and then the next day presented this whole story board thing where he compared Xander to Hector. Andy even made all the girls sit through 'Troy', stopping and starting the DVD whenever the Hector character showed up in the arc and then giving a five-minute comparison between Xan and Hec to help emphasis the similarities in personalities."

"THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE WATCHING THAT AS AN EDUCATIONAL TOOL ON SWORD FIGHTING!"

"And you believed them? Most likely they were all swooning and imaging Xander wearing Trojan Gear fighting Brad Pitt. Are you seriously telling me that you never wondered why that movie was always being watched over and over again by all the girls or why they kept nudging one another and giggling whenever that Eric Bana guy came onto the screen?"

"I told you, they said it was for their education on sword fighting."

Dawn released an amused laugh at her sister's expense before she continued with her account. "Anyway, the more they learned and heard about Xander the more the Potential's wanted to know. Anya got pretty blue with the details in some of the late night sessions which after a couple of nights became even more popular amongst the Wannabe's then Faith's Kitchen Chats."

Buffy's ire at being lied to by the Potential's four years ago was suddenly forgotten as she shamefully turned herself away from the direction of her younger sister. Dawn couldn't see the depths of regret that were etching itself deep upon her face as her memories were cast back to this terrible time. How distant and divorced from everyone she felt when Xander got hurt. Her sister's account was proof positive of exactly how out of touch she really was with everyone at that time, she had to admit that she really didn't have a clue what was going on at that time with the people in her life all the way to the ones occupying her home.

Her thoughts were so preoccupied with the First and Caleb, except during those painful moments when they strayed towards thinking of Xander and his injury. He was in Hospital for just over a week and not once did she visit him. Sure she was there, hovering just outside of his room pretty much from the moment that visiting hours commenced to when they concluded. But she couldn't bear to face him so she stayed in the periphery, out of sight of his bed. Just watching and listening to other's who had more courage then her sit down at his side and tell him how proud they were and that he was going to pull through this. Spike even bothered to sit down with him a couple of times after the sun went down. Offering Xander playful jibes about 'playing the hero and making him look bad in front of all the frillies'. To outsider's it was standard Spike, but for people who really knew him you could tell just how impressed he was at Xander's courage that night by the tone and concerned pitch of his voice as he teased him with insults.

Dawn paused for a moment and chewed on her lower lip, debating whether or not she should share what was a very personal conversation and one she had kept secret for close to four years. After several seconds she relented choosing to change the tone to an upbeat subject. "Did you know that she rated Xander as her first ever boyfriend?"

Buffy was drawn back to reality with this question. "What? Who?"

"Faith. She said that she considered Xander her first official boyfriend."

"You're kidding."

The younger nodded and smiled sadly. "Seriously. Most of the guys she slept with were the 'Hi and Bye' type. Xander was the first she ever got the chance to know before the 'deed'. It was pretty twisted-up, for her anyway. She admitted to the Potential group and me that under normal circumstances she would have had her way with him and cast him aside, but she said there was something … different about him. At first she admitted too holding off getting down to fleshy business because she got this powerful vibe that maybe you two had a thing for each other."

"US? Xander and … me?"

"Yeah. She said that she even spoke to you about it one night on Patrol but you instead gave her the 'Green Light' to do what she pleased."

"THAT LYING … there was NO green-light. Hell, it if was anything it was amber, bordering on a red. She asked me if Xander and I ever did, y'know, intimate stuff and I told her n-o. That I loved Xander, but that I wasn't *IN LOVE* with Xander. How is that 'a stamp of Buffy approval' to have-at-it?"

"Well in Faith-Logic, even an 'amber' made him fair game. She said that the only reason she didn't try and jump his bones after getting your consent to do so was because of the whole him dating Cordelia thing. She was just settling into a new town with an entrenched tightly knitted group and she didn't want to get on anyone's bad side with the rep that she was someone who slept with everybody's boyfriend, so instead she held off. Of coarse when things went south with the break-up of Cor and him, well … he was on the market again and no longer tied to anyone. She said that by this stage all her girly regions were itching like crazy for some 'Xander Attention'."

"Nice imagery."

Dawn released a small smile at the dryness of her sister's comment before she continued. "It wasn't until the Sisterhood of the Jhe came to town that she decided to bump up her schedule in doing the mattress mumbo with him"

"She even had him on a schedule?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't anything specific. It's not like she had the date circled on her calendar or anything. It had already been three-weeks since he and Willow were caught, tensions in the ranks were still pretty raw on the subject. Even though all they really did was just kiss, Cordelia was making is sound a thousand times worse. So Faith thought to give it two-months then she would take him to orgasim-heavan."

"What was it about the Jhe that made her decide to change the … timeframe?" Buffy was almost dreading the answer, the last thing she wanted to hear about was the sex-life of someone she was only now starting to think squishing feelings for. Even before tonight she was starting to dwell more and more on Xander-thoughts and the last thing she wanted was to have these thoughts tainted.

"Well, everyone was foretelling destruction of the planet and putting together a small suicide squad. She kinda put two and two together and realised quickly that this Hellmouth Caper was a little more intense then all the previous ones she had been involved with. That this one was a legitimate 'do-or-die' kinda thing. Everyone in the group who were in the know, Giles, Angel, even you were saying that they were facing the Apocalypse … again, and that got her all antsy. It was her first one, y'know."

"That was Faith's first Apocalypse-type battle?"

"Yeah, Giles was going doom-and-gloom about how you guys might not all survive the confrontation. And Faith thought she might be the one he had chalked as ending up in a coffin. After all you, Willow, Angel, and Giles, this wasn't exactly your first Rodeo, know what I mean? If anyone had a chance of screwing up and getting themselves killed it would probably be the 'new girl on the block'. She didn't say anything at the time because she didn't want the group to know how worried she was. But under that mask of confidence and bravado she was freakin' out big-time. So much so that after you guys had been dismissed and were told to rest up or to get your affairs in order before the big night ahead, she decided to go out hunting for stray Jhe to test herself against them."

"You're not serious?"

"Totally. She wanted to find out if she could take them on Slayer to Demon so that she didn't come across in the up-coming battle like a complete liability, whether she ended up dying or not."

"So … what happened?"

"She eventually found one. Found one and was getting her ass totally kicked by it. That was until Xan spotted her in trouble and drove into it with his uncle's car. She was hurt bad, not terribly, but enough to realise that she would not be able to fight these things alone fist-for-fist. It kinda shook her up a bit inside. The Jhe had dislocated her shoulder and Xander helped her put it back in its socket. Whether it was the near death experience, the adrenaline or thoughts that this might be her last night alive but she got this really overwhelming desire to feel skin on skin. She said she tasted her own mortality that night and that she just wanted to feel something worth feeling, instead of the pain and the loneliness. With Xander being there, him saving her life, it was almost too perfect. If later awkwardness ensued she could easily down play it by telling him that she was only 'returning the favour' to saving her life instead of admitting that she was actually wanting to bed him bad. So for twenty minutes, before she had to leave to meet up with the rest of you guys, she said she gave him the ride of his virgin life."

"Hang on, it was Xander's first time and he lasted twenty-minutes?"

"I think she kinda savoured it, took it slow. And she did say that they cuddled and he traced his fingers over her body at the end for 5-minutes or so. If she had a choice she would have stayed in that crappy road-side dive hotel bed for the rest of the night, just snuggling. That's one of the things that really got all to Potential's 'awing' and going googy-eyed, Xander being a 'sensitive-lover'." Again, Dawn chuckled. "But she saw her clock and realised that she had to book down to the School in thirty, so Xander-cuddle-time was cut short. She said she practically pushed him out the door naked."

"Are you serious? Naked?"

"Well probably not 'naked' naked. But she said she had to do it because she couldn't stand the temptation of having him in her room as they were both getting dressed, she said that she might have forgot all about the Hellmouth opening and try for a second round. So out the door he went as she tried to get her head back in the game for slaying Jhe."

"And when she didn't die like she expected?"

"When she didn't die she was predicting the whole smothering thing, either that or maybe they could do a couple of more secret hook-ups before calling it quits. But when he never showed up, or said a word to her or hell, to anyone, that kinda annoyed her a bit."

"Hang on; Faith had sex with Xander because she thought she would not see the sun next morning? Then she gets pissed because he wasn't bragging about 'bagging' her to everyone the next day?"

"Yeah, like I said, pretty twisted. Her bedding Xander was, according to her, more a curious itch that needed scratching, then affection. I think it is for this reason why the Spirit let it slide at the time, there wasn't any true amorous emotions involved on her part. Just quizzical horniness. She added that she thought it was kinda like being involved is some full-circle-of-life deal. She was going to be his 'first' and as far a she was concerned and aware, he was going to be her 'last'. A ying-yang thing that added to the intensity of the experience.

"Anyway … where was I? Oh yeah, anyway when Xander wasn't at her doorstep the next day begging for more Faith-loving, well, it kinda got him noticed. He was the first guy who didn't come back begging for seconds. She tried not to get hung up about it though. She instead started to distract herself more with her 'calling' and destiny of slaying vamps and stuff. Spending days searching out possible vamp nests and demon hives, and taking unnecessary risks to take them out without any support or back-up. She also started partying way harder then she ever did before, making out with one stranger after another. All to get Xander off her mind and wonder why he wasn't sniffing around her like some horny hound dog. But as strategies go it sucked, because it just made her think more and more about him and why he wasn't coming around to see her? She admitted to us, me and the other Potentials, that she was pre-occupied and began to ruminate about everything she had done with Xander since they met. Focusing on what he had said to her, what she had observed of him. After a couple of days of this she found it next to impossible *NOT* to think about him. How supportive, funny, brave, kind, honest and how equally 'damaged' he was to herself. Then she started asking herself if he thought whether she wasn't good enough to see again? Some girls when they don't get 'the call' the next morning would withdraw, she however took it all up a few notches in order to make herself as noticed by him as he did to her. To show him what he was missing out on."

"Yeah, I remember what she was like directly after the Jhe Sisterhood, she was up for anything. She didn't care if she was taking on six or sixty Vamps, her mind was somewhere else entirely."

"That mind was most likely in Xander-land, and trust me it is a beautiful place to visit. But given how close everyone in the Scooby's were she was uncomfortable approaching him, especially given her own sordid guy-history and the circumstances of Xan's break-up with Cordelia. It took about a week after 'the deed' for her to move on to being pro-active. She decided instead of waiting for Xan to come to her that she would make a few allies before she put the serious moves on and that's when she decided to get closer to being friends with you. If she got 'in' with you she thought that maybe you might be able to put in a good word for her with Xander and might even be able to take point if it ruffled any feather's with our resident Glinda-in-training. She already knew that Will didn't like her much, and Will carried the respect of Giles and *hell-o', Oz would always side with his girlfriend. Cordelia probably wouldn't have given a damn. So your opinion was pretty central of all accepting her and Xan being a possible two-some."

Buffy's mind involuntarily flashed back to the evening she and Faith had their 'Bad Girls' night out and the brunette ended up accidentally staking the Deputy Mayor. She also remembered how strung out and manic Faith had been over the last couple of days of their impromptu 'friendship'. Like she was a person on a mixture of on a caffeine-high and suffering sleep deprivation. She innocently thought at the time that it was because of the introduction of their new 'stiff-shirt' Watcher, Wes, but after what Dawn had just said what if it was something … more. What if instead of seeing a 'party girl' she was instead seeing someone caught in the frenzied turbulence and fear of an unrequited love? What Dawn was saying certainly went a long way in explaining why out of the blue Faith decided to make her 'best-buds-forever'. After all, if it wasn't for the Slaying and the Destiny thing then the two really didn't have much in common.

The blonde Slayer raked her finger's through her hair as her mind then flashed to further the images of the pair dancing up a storm at a Biker Bar and how eager Faith was to have every guy's eye in that room roam over her body lustfully. Everything in her recall of their time together now seemed to her so forced. From Faith's fake laughs, fake smiles all the way to the fake pouts that were being offered to the various leering patrons. Dawn's claims put into perspective the possible cause for this outlandish behaviour. It's amazing what several years of maturity and hindsight can reveal. Maybe if Faith felt Xander was ignoring her after their 'special-time' with one another that might explain why she sought anonymous affirmation, as crass as the comments were, from disgusting lowlifes and strangers. It was all just a schism to help reaffirm her own insecurities regarding her 'appeal' to others. The blonde had to admit that Faith wasn't alone in this type of reassurance either. She remembered when she first slept with Angel and then Parker, one of the first sentences out of her mouth the very next day was to ask them whether or not they were satisfied by her efforts the night before. Whether they had thought she was 'good' as a sexual partner. If she herself experienced this level of insecurity, could Faith be any different? After all, didn't Lara's ancestor say that *ALL* Slayer's called had fitted the same personality-type. Sure, maybe her approaches to situations and dress sense were different to the brunette, but at the core, weren't they all equally the same type of person?

Inwardly, Buffy groaned as she now thought back even earlier in that fateful day of the Deputy's death. Faith had come to 'rescue her' from the classroom and steal her away from her Biology Test. Her memory however, though hazy, recalled one thing clearly of that morning's invitation. After the brunette Slayer made herself known she then breathed heavily on the window that separated them. She then etched a heart and pointed her finger directly at it, but when she looked up from what she had drawn she wasn't looking at her with a sensual and playful smile on her lips. Who she was looking at was the male sitting directly behind her. For years she thought that had been a personal message to her about staking some vamp hearts. But what if that 'communiqué' had a double meaning and it wasn't intended as she had long believed. What if that message and the 'heart' was being directed to … Xander? Faith had been spending more and more time hanging around the High School then usual even though she didn't attend classes. Could it be possible that Faith was stalking her bestest best male friend?

Buffy shook these thoughts out of her head; it still didn't change what had happened or what Faith had tried to do when she teamed-up with the Mayor.

As though reading her mind, Dawn proceeded with her story. "After the strangulation incident, Faith said she challenged Xander on his whole avoidance of her thing. Kinda pathetic really, she was in this whole denial-phase and she was trying to shift the blame onto his shoulder's, like 'I wouldn't have done that if you had called me the next day'-deal. Nervously, which is understandable given that she tried to snuff him 48-hours earlier and in the presence of both Giles and Wes, Xan admitted to what whole 'why' of it all. And his explanation blew her away.

"He told her that after what had happened between him, Willow and Cordelia as well as his own reputation at the school as the biggest loser around he didn't want it to get around that she had taken 'pity' on him one night. He had seen how the male population of Sunnydale High were now treating Cor all because she carried the stigma and distinction as his 'Ex' and he wanted to spare her of that. So he intentionally chose to go out of his way and avoid her and to keep their personal and private involvement on the mega-downlow in order to spare and protect her reputation from receiving the same slander and harm that Queen C was unjustly earning."

With a humble whisper, Buffy spoke, more to herself then to her sister. "Yeah, that sounds exactly what Xander would do too. The selfless-moron."

Dawn gently nodded in agreement. "Yep and it really messed with Faith's head in a major way. Two-days earlier she was trying to kill him, kill him all because he was trying to be sweet and protect a reputation, if we are completely honest, was already quite tainted. She had a lot of difficulties reconciling that she nearly killed the first decent guy she had ever known, everything didn't make much sense for her. Especially as she really never wanted to kill him in the first place."

"What do you mean?"

Dawn looked over to her sister, her posture more rigid then it was a second earlier. "Well, this is why I think Xan was her 'True-Love' and the reason I asked Lady Croft that question. After the fact, Faith was always very defensive about what she had done. It wasn't until she was in Prison for those two-years that she was able to reflect on the stuff leading up to her shift from good-guy to bad-mama. After she staked the Deputy, she was getting the whole guilt trip from you for what she did, even though it was an accident. And when she went to Giles and played 'hypothetical' in the hopes of feeling out what might happen if she owned up he told her about the Council and the 'reprogramming' that they do to Slayer's who accidentally kill normal humans. She panicked, and who could really blame her, that's when she dropped you in it deep. Telling G-man that it was you who staked the Mayor's lackey. As far as she was concerned none of you were really trying to help her."

"Hey, I offered her my support!"

"On condition, Buffy. That condition being she turns herself in straight away. She just freakin' killed a guy, staked him right through the heart. And instead of 'relating' to what she did, that this was something that could have just as easily have happened to you start pointing the finger and instructing her to turn herself over to the police."

"That's not exactly how I remember it. It was an accident, I *know* it was an accident and that she didn't mean it. But she got all freaky, talking about disposing of the evidence. I couldn't let that fly."

"She was panicking, Buffy. Panicking like mad. Everything between the two of you was gelling, she was a day or so away from asking you to play 'matchmaker' for her and Xan. Now everything was falling apart."

"An innocent man died, Dawn."

"A man died, but innocent? He worked for the Mayor. It was one-o'clock in the morning and he was snooping around the Dock Area spying on two seventeen year old girls getting into tussles with grown men who burst into ash. This should have sent the alarm bells ringing, Buffy?"

"A life is still a life. When I thought I killed what's her name and it ended out being Warren's old squeeze and that he set me up. I did the right thing and tried to walk into the Precinct."

"After what? A full day? Two? You were demanding Faith to do what you couldn't less then one-hour after the event. Double-standard much?"

"The difference is I didn't actually kill anyone."

"Yeah, but you didn't know that at the time did you? If Spike hadn't stopped you at the last second, you never would have discovered the truth."

Buffy didn't respond, she remained silent. Pensively staring in front of her as she accepted her sister's words."

"With Faith's mixed up feelings for Xander and now having someone's blood on her hands. She was afraid that she might not ever see him again if you did what you asked. Because she thought she would be sent to Prison for the rest of her life, either that or given the Death Penalty. Oh, and let's not forget what was waiting for her behind Curtain Number 3 – Watcher 'Reprogramming'. This gave her, for some strange reason, flashbacks of scenes from 'Clockwork Orange'. It was all too much, Buffy.

"All she was getting from the people who she knew and who she was turning to was this overwhelming feeling that she had let down the 'Slayer' title. The one thing that defined her, that gave her life purpose was being a Chosen One and she's having you and Giles fugitively shaking your heads in disapproval. Not one of you were trying to put themselves in her shoes. All she was getting was lectures and threats.

"Then suddenly Xander shows up at her doorstep offering her the two thing's she wanted and needed in all the world. An open-mind and a friendly ear. No preconceived judgements or dictates of 'Helping only after you flush your life down the toilet' assurances. Whatever desperation and coldness she had towards Xan days earlier for pretending that he didn't know her after they had slept with one another, they all melted away. Melted into a flood of gratitude. And I think it was at this moment, just as Xander was playing his Knight in Shining Armour riff*"

"*Which he does very well." The blonde Slayer offered her sister with a sad smile on her face. A smile that was reciprocated with a nod of agreement.

"You're preaching too the Choir, sister. Anyway, it was at this moment when I think her 'obsession' became love. At least, that is what I believe. It certainly ties-in with what Lara said because that's instant things suddenly went south for both her and Xan. The moment she welcomed him into her room and heard that he was willing to be there for her, WITHOUT-pre set conditions, that when she probably got all gooey and the Slayer-part of her probably said to itself 'Not Happening' or 'over my rotting corpse', or probably 'Not on my Watch, Sweetie'. The rest we know.

"Faith told me during the one-on-one we had later that her memory of the actual 'act' of strangling Xander was pretty hazy, at least for those very important and significant several seconds. During that time she said she felt like a passenger in her own body. The words coming out of her mouth were her's but that she didn't remember wanting to say them. That it was all like some drunk-fog. She attributed this sketchy recollection to Angel suddenly showing up and giving her a Haymaker that ended up knocking her out flat for an hour or so. But my guess now is that it was probably the Slayer Spirit temporarily laying claim to it's vessel's body."

Buffy had listened carefully to her sister's explanation, no doubt about it, nearly every box appeared ticked. Everything seemed to neatly align with Lara's offering. But it all still seemed too 'neat' for her to accept.

"It never processed with her that this 'foggy' recollection of trying to strangle Xander was anything less then the outcome of having her brain nearly knocked out of her skull."

"Fine, so it explains the Xander-near-murder incident, but it doesn't explain her selling out to the Mayor."

"Of coarse it does, Buffy. How could she call herself a 'White Hat' when she nearly killed the type of person she slays Vamp's in order to protect? It sent her to a very scary place, and when Mr Trick was killed she knew that this darkness surrounding her meant that she probably had more in common with the Mayor then she did with us."

"But changing allegiances because she was freaking over Xan*"

"*I told you, it wasn't just because of Xander! So don't go pointing the finger at him." Dawn said defensively.

"I'm not. Really. I'm just relieved to know that there was more to her switching sides then just because she hated me, that's all."

"Oh don't worry, she hated you alright. She wanted to roast your guts over a hell-flame. She hated your goodie-goodie attitude. The fact that you were Giles' go-to girl. She also hated that after the strangulation incident, no matter how justified certain people were, aka Willow and Wesley, their words of 'trust' and their actions of 'trusting' did not exactly go hand-in-hand with the other. Not to mention that Angel was always on her case and kept following her around like some 'AA Sponsor'. Believe me, Buffy, there were a lot of reason's why she decided to go evil.

"What was that line by Jessica Rabbit? You know the one, 'I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.' You guys were treating her as though her foot was already halfway through the 'door of darkness and no return' all it took was the smallest of nudges and she was pretty much in the room altogether. At least the Mayor made her feel welcomed, sure it may all have been a big fat lie, but she believed it because she wanted desperately to have someone believe in her and you guys just … weren't."

Buffy again processed everything and found her head nodding in complete understanding. For the first time in her life she actually thought she now knew exactly what Faith must have been feeling at that horrid time. The loneliness, the fear, the belief that she was a walking and breathing disappointment to everyone. Too think that no matter how hard you would try to make up for your past wrongs and mistakes that there would be people surrounding her who would never forgive or forget.

She remembered her own anger, emptiness and sense of betrayal when she discovered Riley had been cheating on her with a Vamp-Whore. She believed no-one could understand what she was enduring and she wanted to tear everything apart in a 'climb a clock tower' type of way. Was this the kind of internal emotion Faith felt when she believed that the Scoob's were no longer accepting her and treating her like a 'bad apple'? That Xander didn't want to be in the same room as her without several other people around to play bodyguard? She was ashamed to admit it to herself but that would probably have been enough of a nudge for her to switch to the dark side. And who knows, if Xander hadn't have shown up in that alley when he did and then put her in her place with that insightful speech of his ... Well, thinking back to the rage she was feeling at the time she could have very easily have slid off into the deep end and made Faith look like a Nun. But Faith didn't have a Xander to give her any soothing and uplifting words or any heart-to-heart talks; all she had was the silky lies of Mayor Wilkins the third.

Dawn was studying Buffy carefully, watching her older sister assimilate all the truths that were being laid down before her. But there was one truth, one honest and destroying fact that the younger sister hadn't as yet revealed and with Buffy now starting to understand Faith and her motivations a bit better she decided to break a promise and tell Buffy a hidden revelation. One that Faith would never admit to anyone and was only spoken to her because of the fast and powerful friendship she and the brunette Slayer had formed in the weeks leading up to the end of Sunnydale.

"Buffy?"

Absently the blonde responded. "Yeah."

"There is something else about Faith and Xander. But if I tell you, you can't go off the deep end. Promise?"

Buffy paused for a moment before answering. "Okay, fire away."

Dawn took a deep breath and then composed herself before she spoke. "Remember that time when Faith woke-up from her coma and made it so you two changed places? She jumped into your body and you jumped into her's?"

Uncomfortable with the memory this question prompted, the blonde Slayer drawled out her reply. "Y-e-a-h. What of it?"

Dawn took another deep breath before answering. "Okay, remember you just promised me you wouldn't react in a bad-way." She waited until Buffy nodded in the affirmative before she continued. "Well, the first and only thing Faith wanted to do when she escaped the hospital was to destroy the Scoob's and you for killing the Mayor, do you remember that?"

"Yeah, Dawn. I was kinda there and living the nightmare, you don't have to tell me what she put me through. After all I was the one dealing with the aftermath. Her sleeping with Riley, threatening Mom …"

Dawn offered a firm nod to both instances then cut her off before the list got too long and Buffy's forgiving nature was nullified by the wrongness of Faith's actions during that time. "Well, what she ended up doing to you back then was pretty much her 'Plan B'. 'B' was her trying to become 'you', and stepping into your shoes and living a 'Happily Ever After' lifestyle. But Plan A was something else entirely."

The Slayer braced herself for what might follow. "Okay then, what was 'Plan A'?"

Turning away and choosing to look down at her feet rather then her sister the chestnut academic answered. "Plan 'A' had her taking your body … with *her* consciousness and then using some excuse to get her and Xander alone. She was thinking a Patrol. She was then going to seduce and sex up Xander once more."

"WHAT!"

Dawn was momentarily startled by the shout, but quickly raised her hands up in an effort to pacify her sister. "Think about it, Buff, it would achieve everything she wanted without her so much as throwing a punch, and having a spot of fun in the process. Bare in mind this is Pissed-Off-Faith, not the 'Rebel-without-a-Cause' Faith that we have working with the Council now. Her mind was in complete vengeance-mode back then and she didn't care who she had to hurt to get what she thought was owing her. Seducing Xander and throwing the team into turmoil was just 'entertainment' before she would take you all down one-by-one. Y'know, it was the whole 'separate the herd and prey on the weakest first' mentality she's famous for."

Buffy offered a nervous laugh at this claim and then shook her head in the negative, trying to settle herself and her own bubbling anger at the vixen. "Yeah, well I would have hated to be the one to rain on her parade, but Xander has come face-to-face with horny-Buffy during the Love Spell episode and he proved to be made of firmer … I mean, *stronger* stuff. No-way he would have fallen victim to a ploy like that again."

Dawn fidgeted slightly before she answered. "Hence the Rohipnal. Y'know the date-rape drug."

"Excuse me?"

"If Xander turned her … 'your' advances down, she had a hidden stash of Rohipnal she purloined during her time with the Mayor that she was going to use to spike his drink. He wouldn't have had Slayer metabolism to burn it out of his system as soon as it entered it so he would have collapsed like a stone after several minutes of digestion. She was then planning on stripping him down to nothing, then have her way with him as best she could under it's 'drunken effects', maybe even take some pics of the experience on your Cell to prove what they did the 'Wild Thing' together and use it as blackmail material later on.

"She had even predicted how everything would have gone down after the deed as well. The next day he would have woken up with a massive headache thinking that he had had a dozen more beers then he should have. Then looked at the evidence surrounding him: a naked him, a naked 'Buffy' and draw the conclusion that many would have. Xander's sense of integrity would have forced him to own up to Anya, especially after the Cordelia/Willow ordeal he went through, and Ahn most likely would have dumped his ass. After all, she was a former Vengeance Demon for scorned women with the whole 'Men-are-pure-evil-Mantra'. I don't think she would have accepted any excuse from him that he was seeing 'pink elephants' at the time.

"Xan would have ended up heart broken or might even have been cursed, after all she might not be a demon anymore but she sure as hell knows her way around a spell or three. He then would have either tried to avoid 'you' like the plague or decide to come to the Faith-you thinking that you might actually have liked-him-liked-him, after all he had pretty much been drooling over you for years."

"He has not! Well, maybe at the beginning. But he's had girlfriends since and *"

"Buffy, you're speaking to the President of the Xander-Harris-fan-club. I may have been 15 going onto infinity, and maybe my memories were a little planted and influenced by our Monk-friends. But that doesn't mean I was oblivious to his foot-in-mouth problem or blind to how he would get a tiny bit jealous when you used to gush over Angel. He had a crush on you just as I had a crush on him. I'm just grateful that you never returned those feelings."

Nervously, Buffy ringed her hands together. "W-why?"

With a glint and a small smile, the once 'Key' answered. "Because then I would have had to kill you. But don't worry I wouldn't have made you suffer … much."

"How reassuring."

"Anyway, Faith was prepared for either, if Xander did show up at her-slash-your door she'd say 'no' and kick him to the curb at the same time as insulting his 'performance' or something else that would have been equally macho-damaging or devastating to his ego. That would take out Xander and Anya from your inner-circle.

"Undoubtedly Willow would have eventually found out Xander and the Faith-you had slept together, whether Xander ended up succumbing to your charms or being drugged, and that would put her offside and also have her 'walk' as well. In one swoop, the Scoob's are all broken apart leaving only her and Giles, and even then I suspect that her 'antics' with Xander would cause a significant rift in the father/daughter dynamic the two of you share. Faith was confident that within 48-hours of bedding Xander … again, that the Scooby's would have been no more."

Buffy was at a loss for words. The plan would have been close to perfect and could have easily been executed exactly as Dawn had said as she could have easily imaged this scenario coming together. If she had been seen and believed to have sexed up Xander and then cast him aside after their one-night-stand, that would not only have ruined her friendship with him but also the friendships she shared with everyone else. The blonde slayer felt momentarily dizzy as she sat down right next to Dawn to prevent herself from collapsing. Her mouth started to swell with a bitter and almost rancid taste, one that was nearly making her wish to run to the bathroom and remove. How close exactly did Xander come to being raped by 'her'?

"What … what made her decide not to go through with it?"

Dawn inhaled deeply, she was about to reveal something she had sworn to take to her grave, she just hoped that Buffy had the maturity not to use it as ammunition against Faith later down the track like the rest of the story she had just relayed. "Promise me you won't laugh?"

"I'm not feeling too humorous at the moment, but okay, I promise."

"Because she was afraid."

"Afraid? Afraid of what?"

"Afraid that if Xander did willingly have sex with her, her in the Buffy body. That he might have ended up preferring to have sex with 'you' more then he did having sex with 'her' a year earlier. And if Xander did, as she was half-expecting him to do, show up at your College Dorm with flower's and chocolates asking if the two of you could go steady, especially as this was the exact same thing he didn't do for her after the Jhe-incident, it would have destroyed her."

Buffy was stunned at how simple fear and vanity had saved her friend from a traumatic experience. But this realisation did little to settle the anger brewing deep inside of her over this confession.

"She swore me never tell anyone that story. But I think under the circumstances …"

Buffy could barely find her voice and she certainly didn't find it as comical as Dawn had indicated it would be. This was too much for her to handle. First the revelations of the Slayer's origins by Croft, then accepting the possibility that her chance of 'Freedom' had been literally at her side for years and she never acted on it. And now Dawn's hashing of a Faith-esk history that she was not aware of. She wanted desperately to break something right now, but her frustration and anger could only find one source she deemed an appropriate target. "I'm going to kill her. I'm going to throw her through a concrete wall and then another and then I'm going to pound her bones to dust with Olaf's Troll Hammer."

"Buffy, she didn't actually do what she said, she never went through with it. Besides you promised!"

"I don't care! How could she think for a moment that what she was going to do to Xander would be cool with me, or anyone else for that matter!"

"She didn't! She didn't go through with it and she only told this part of her story to me to help illustrate how crazy-mad she was over Xander back then and to help emphasis limits that I not fall into myself. That I *know* when and where to draw the line when it came to my crush with him and not go insane stalker-girl like she did. She was using herself as a *bad* example, Buffy."

"Dawn*"

"*Buffy, listen to me. It wasn't easy for her to admit this too me, it was even harder for me to hear. I wanted to slap her silly, and I think deep down she wanted me to do that too. Unlike you, Buffy, I actually cared deeply for Xander. I was the one with the annoying school-girl infatuation, remember? It's not an easy thing to hear a person who was quickly becoming a friend and your only confidant admit that they were just one bad choice away from ruining your secret-love's life."

Buffy sprung up from the bed, her face displaying the deepest of shocks, sided with a slash of fury that her own sister had such a shallow opinion of her own thoughts and feelings. "That's enough, Dawn. Don't you ever say that I never cared about Xander! And don't you ever compare *my* legitimate history with Xander with *your* fantasy one. Every decision I made about him, good or bad, was always *FOR* him and his best interests. In some cases, yeah, they may have been rushed and wrong, but don't think for one mille-second that I didn't do what I did because I didn't care! The same goes with you, Willow or Giles."

"Yeah, well don't think for one *micro-second* that I care about your motives. I just know what he went through. The ups and the downs. The neglect and the support. There were some months when he didn't really know whether he was on the outer's with you and everybody or not. And as much as Anya got on my nerves sometimes always talking about his 'vikingness' and being 'hung like a Stallion' I will still always be grateful for her because at least she offered him some stability in a very unstable life. Ensuring that when he got back into Town after his 'American Journey' that he didn't go off man-whoring himself around at the Bronze like a lot of other guys did once they finished High School. She kept him off the market."

"Off the market? For who? For you? Is that what you really think? Dawn, you never had a shot with him. You were always his teenage 'little sister'. He cared about you and he was fond of you, but there was never going to be anything happening there no matter how many times you signed off in that silly Journal of yours 'the future Mrs Dawn Harris'."

"THAT WAS PRIVATE! How dare you sneak a peek at my private property!"

"Are you kidding me? We had an entire house full of Potential Slayer's squeezed into every available room and crevice. Do you really think no one would have snooped it out? Word of warning, hiding stuff under your mattress only emphasises it for tasty reading."

Dawn's face went scarlet. "You mean everyone …"

Buffy lost the momentum towards provoking her little sister further at spying her embarrassed and startled expression. It would have been easy for her to continue on with the performance, but instead she chose to take pity. "Of coarse not. You're just lucky it was Willow who found the damn thing first. As soon as she opened it and realised what it was with all your love-doodles, she put a spell on it so that it could only be opened by you then put it back where she found it."

"Then how did you know about the 'Mrs Harris' bit?"

Buffy sighed. "Because I did the same with Angel when I was around your age. I used to graffiti my school books with 'Angel and Buffy 4 ever'. Trust me, it wasn't much of a leap to figure out what you would have put in that damn diary of yours. You were writing in it all the time and your crush on Xander was as obvious as a bad comb-over."

"Did Xander …"

"Know about you mondo-crushing on him? Duh. He'd have to be blind as well as deaf. We used to even joke and tease him about it during our Scooby meetings. Why did you think Anya always lagged along when he came around to baby-sit? She was the only one that didn't think your crush was funny."

"You … you mean Xander used to laugh about my feelings?"

Buffy buried her head into her hands, she walked right into that question. "No! Of coarse not. Willow, Mom and Me thought it was amusing. Anya was seething. And Giles didn't care. Xander was … well, he was sympathetic. He wasn't angry or amused or didn't care. He used to say that he knew what it was like to have feelings for someone and be afraid to ever tell them that they exist. This only got Anya more territorial and made me and Will tease him more. But no, he never laughed or made fun of what you felt for him. He actually took the title of being your 'first crush' very seriously. After a near decade of Willow crushing on him and him being insensitive to it all, he said that he would now 'pay-it-forward' by being the best Xander in front of you so all the other fellas that would undoubtedly come after would pale in comparison. Gotta say, that earned him major Brownie points with Mom, even if that wasn't the case with Anya. That's why Mom would always ask him for 'Dawn Patrol' detail first and not Will or Tara."

Dawn's cheeks began to lose the glow of her embarrassment, but her silence was unnerving to the older sister who could clearly see that she was still very much pre-occupied with what she had said to her.

"Dawn, it's because of that speech years earlier that I trusted Xander with the one thing I treasured most in all the world. Not Giles, not Willow, not Anya, not Andrew or Spike or Angel. I trusted him with you. Why do you think I asked him to 'kidnap' you before we were about to make our move on the First? I wanted the two people I cherished the most out of the line of reprisals if we failed and everything went south. Not that it worked out as well as I had hoped, as kidnapper's go Xan pretty much sucked. But I knew with all my heart that he would always look after you, care for you and love you. That he would give up his life to keep you safe and that his thoughts towards you would never stray below the belt region."

These collection of words caused Dawn to stare at her sister in a dumbfounded manner and then break away into a sprint to the ensuite. Slamming the door in good measure as she entered the tiled area.

The fists that had been balled at Buffy's side relaxed and she took a defeated posture. No doubt about it, Dawn had inherited her temperamental side. What did she just say just then to warrant this kind of reaction? Through the wood of the barrier that separated them both her acute Slayer-Hearing could detect the strangled sobs of her only family. Meekly she approached the door, gently tapping and praying for an invitation to enter.

"GO AWAY! I don't want to speak to you or hear your stupid voice."

"Dawn, I'm sorry. I was out of line, I don't know what I said that was so wrong. But I'm sorry for saying it."

"I said I don't want to speak to you!"

"Well if you want me to stop then you're going to have to come out of the bathroom and make me, because I am going to keep on talking and apologising till you forgive me. For whatever I just did."

Buffy gently placed her forehead to the surface of the door. After a moment that seemed like forever she continued, trying a different tact instead. "Xander would have been damn lucky to have a girl like you, you do know that right? Mom … mom loved him to death. She really did. He was the only boy that she ever allowed to come around to the house uninvited. She was never truly comfortable with Angel, but with Xander it was an open-door policy. I think she would have been tickled pink if one of her daughter's were able to bag that goofball and bring him home to dinner."

"HE'S NOT A GOOFBALL!"

Buffy quickly back peddled. At least the younger was now talking … okay shouting, but at least there was a dialogue happening that wasn't a demand for her to leave her alone. "Okay, okay. Not a goofball. But he is a great guy and if I could wish anybody for you it would probably be someone like him."

"YEAH, BUT *NOT* HIM, RIGHT?"

The Slayer sighed. "Dawn, you have to take into account Xander's feelings as well. I didn't say that stuff earlier to hurt you. I was just saying that perspective-wise he will always look at you as a little sister, just … just as I had always looked at him as my Xander-shaped-friend. Some titles can't be shattered easily. You said it yourself, Xander had a crush on me for years and I kinda knew that. But not once did I ever give him any impression that I was 'interested' or that I wanted things to progress beyond us being friends. If I was to walk up to him right now, given our history, and ask if we could be more than what we were, I honestly think that would be next to impossible. The same goes for you. I have the 'best friend' tag and you have the 'little sister' one."

'YEAH, WELL HE'S CHANGED A LOT SINCE YOU LAST SAW HIM. HE DOESN'T LOOK AT ME LIKE A LITTLE SISTER ANY MORE. HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE AN ADULT."

From her side of the door, Buffy, opened her mouth in preparation to respond on how she knew that, then instantly closed it as she recalled that it was Dawn who months earlier had flown to Xander's bedside instead of her. This realisation bought with it a momentary chill. The Slayer imagined Xander awakening from his operation and finding a dutiful and worried little sister sitting by his bed. One word being exchanged for another then leading to a Florence Nightingale type romance. Buffy closed her eyes and tried to suppress this strange feeling of jealousy, doing her best to deny that such a scenario took place. Placing her forehead again to the surface of the door and her hand on the knob which would permit her entry, but not turning it. The Blonde continued on with the Xander theme. "I know he's changed, Dawn. I was thinking that very thing earlier tonight. Hell, I've been thinking that ever since Giles allowed me to read the Council's Files on him. And yes, you are an adult. I know it and he knows it too. But you are still my sister that that truth does not change with age. God, Dawn, I love you to death. I am so proud of you, and it's not just me whose proud but everyone. And that 'everyone' would easily include Xander as well. No body looks down their nose at you, unlike me."

The Slayer's claim was met with silence.

Taking a breath, Buffy continued. "When we met in your room a few days ago and you told me that I had no right to go swaggering into Giles office and demand Africa away from Xander, that surprised me. For one, that you *actually* think that I would do that to him. Him of all people, Dawn. And two, that I still had that kind of 'pull' with the Council anymore. At present my star isn't shining so bright, Dawn and it hasn't for about a year or so, I faced these facts awhile ago. There was a time when I wouldn't have had to fly to England to personally ask Giles for a reassignment. GILES, Dawn, Giles! After everything we've been through with one another. The battle's, the blood, the misery. I couldn't just pick up a phone and say to him 'pretty please'. No, I had to come in physically and do it face-to-face. Like I had been called to the Principle's Office. And what did I do when I had my chance? I ranted and vented for about an hour about being kept out of the Xander-loop. I didn't even earn Giles wasting his time yelling back at me."

More silence welcomed her ears.

"It's been nearly three-years since Cleveland and I haven't landed a single 'whale' in that time. No End-of-the-World saving from Buffy. Faith, Kennedy and Christ even mousy-Monique has prevented at least two potential Apocalypse's a piece in that time. When there was still a Sunnydale Hellmouth and not a crater in the ground it always seemed like every year we had something New, Big and Bad in the offing. But my life for the past three has been on cruise-control and I seriously think that I may have lost my Slaying-edge, and that scares me.

"What I'm trying to say, Dawn is that I *know* Xander has changed and he's probably changed for the better. I read his Watcher Folder's from start to finish and I was in complete awe at what he has accomplished. Scary-awe, Dawnie. And he did it without anyone. Do you know what it's like to read that stuff and think that it was you who was always holding him back? I'll tell you what it feels like: It sucks. He's grown and I have stayed the same. You've grown and I have stayed the freakin' same. Faith has grown and I've stayed the freakin' damn same. Willow's grown and I've *"

"*OKAY! Were you trying to get to a point anytime soon?"

Grateful that the yelling now seemed to have stopped, the blonde sister answered. "Yes, Dawn. It's this, he may have gotten 'better' but he's not the same Xander he was when you were crushing on him three to four years ago. None of you are, except for me. You can't transplant your old emotions onto the 'new' Xander anymore then I could expect me and Angel being able to slide back seamlessly into our 'coupleness'. There is too much history there now."

From the other side of the door, Dawn's voice raised up. "He he hasn't changed that much, not really. He's still brave and funny. He joked with the nurses all the time when I was with him. There was a weird rumour going around the Hospital when I was there that he was dragged in by some psychotic gun toting glamour model and they all thought I was her."

A smirk appeared on the blonde's face. "Glamour model, huh?"

"I won't deny that I didn't feel a slight ego-boost at being thought of as a Glamazon, but I could have done without the comments from people who were doing a peek-a-boo into his room, spot me and then say that someone must have been drinking-on-duty when they made the comparison. But on the important stuff, he's still one-hundred percent Xander."

Buffy traced the outline of the door with her index finger. "Maybe, but danger is part of the life he leads now, Dawn. He nearly got cleaved in two-pieces for Christ's sake and then he jokes about it? And there was other stuff I read in his files, scary-stuff Dawn. He puts himself in dire peril nearly every month, literal life-and-death threats, Dawn."

"How is that any different then when he was in Sunnydale with you and the rest of the Scooby's?"

The Slayer paused and chose her next words carefully before she answered. "It isn't any different and that's the only part of his life that hasn't changed. He still puts himself in jeopardy. Even if he can easily avoid, he doesn't. I'm a Slayer, Dawn. I always thought my life had some unseen expiration date so I generally lived in the moment. Now we have over 4,000 scattered around the globe, 200 on active-duty. With that many as back-up I am thinking, for the first time in close to ten years, that I might live to retirement age. But he still puts his life on the line and takes unnecessary risks. I know that you probably think that's *SEXY*, Dawn, and believe me I went through all the stages of 'Sexy-and-suicidal-love' with Angel, Riley and Spike. And it took years for me to work this truth out.

"That truth is this, Sexy-love is a guy who will come home to you every night and who loves you, Dawn. Sexy-love is not whether the guy can hold their own in a fight, or the number of scars they have on their body, or the various war stories they can reminisce over. Sexy-love isn't whether they look mega hot in leather pants … no, scratch that last one, that kinda does matter. But that kind of love is transient, it's fleeting, it's temporary. In short, it's CHEAP! What good is being in love with someone who could die on you the very next day? You are just welcoming a hell of a lot of unnecessary misery into your life if you do and that's not SEXY! It doesn't even come close."

The door gently opened with a red-eyed Dawn Summer's standing holding the handle. "But the fight's and the danger kind of find him he doesn't go looking for them. What is he supposed to do? Walk away and do nothing if people need him?"

Buffy drew her sister in an embrace, one that was eagerly welcomed. "Xander, would never do that. And one day it will get him deader then disco and that scares the Hell out of me. That's why I never wanted him to go to Africa alone in the first place."

"But if he had a good woman …"

"Don't even go there, little sister. I think back to what Willow told him when he announced where he was going, and though he denied it I think her arm-chair psychiatrist act was pretty much on target. He chose Africa because in some small part of his soul he felt the need to punish himself with hardships for what happened to Anya."

"But it's been years."

"He loved her, Dawn. And she loved him back, in her own weird Anya-like way. The woman who would be able to move both his heart and to heal it would have to be incredible."

Into her shoulder's crevice her sister mumbled. "How about 'extraordinary'?"

The Slayer smiled at the reference her sister had made to one she had spoke of earlier that night at the dinner table and felt better that they were both able to put the awkward Xander-moment behind them and joke once more. "I don't know? Wouldn't that make your pseudo-boyfriend a little jealous? If you start going fickle and decide to chase down an old High School crush how do you think it will make him feel?"

"I think he could deal. He's pretty understanding."

"And your still not going to tell me who he is, are you?"

Dawn pulled herself out of the hug and shock her head in a firm negative.

Buffy ruffled her younger's hair in a playful manner to help ease themselves back into a comfortable exchange. One devoid of tension and angry words. "Your avoidance on telling me who he is should make me suspicious. But I have to admit, you do have good taste in men. So if you judge this guy as a worthy successor to your Xander-infatuation then I suppose I can offer you a bit of leeway, for the moment. But don't wait too long before you say something to him, you might miss your window of opportunity just like I did with my 'better-half'."

"Don't worry sister. If there is one thing I learned from tonight after hearing of Chosen One's True Loves and Lara and her own romance it's this : Que pendo must usquequaque nixor ut perficio is!"

"Say what now?"

"It's Latin, Buffy. It's translation is: Those who value love must always strive to achieve it."

"Great. That doesn't mean your now going to throw in Oxford and become a Hooker?"

"No. It means procrastination is for those who do not have the guts to be happy today! The next time I see him I'm going to ball up all my courage and I'm just going to tell him what I feel. What happens, happens."

Buffy stroked Dawn's hair in the same manner their mother used to stoke hers when she was a little girl. "Those who value love, huh? Sounds like good advice to me. And I'm always a sucker for listening to good advice. I mean, yeah, the worst that could happen is the guy tells you thanks, but no thanks and your right back to where you start. No harm, no foul."

"Just left feeling broken hearted, that's all."

"Hey, no defeatist attitude from you, little girl. If this guy can't see how great you are and how wonderful it would be to have you in his life then he sounds like a first rate idiot to me. And I don't think I like the idea of you dating any idiot's, is that clear?"

Her affirmative tone and instruction earned Buffy a giggle, which was like music to her ears. "C'mon, lets get to sleep. The sooner we bed down, the sooner we wake up. And the sooner we wake up the sooner we can corner her 'Highness' on tonight's Dog and Pony Show."

Without saying too much in addition to what was already said the pair got changed into the spare pj's Henry had provided them both before he had left them earlier. With the lights off both sister's settled into their beds, but neither fell asleep straight away. After ten-minutes of silence, Dawn's voice whispered out to her sibling.

"Buffy. If it wasn't Angel, Riley or Spike who do you think your True Love was?"

The Slayer stirred, then angled herself to be facing away from her sister before she replied. "Probably someone who I would have been proud to take home to Mom, Dawn."

6FD

Reviews welcomed. No Flamers.