References – chapter three

'Missing someone is not about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you have talked.. it is about that very moment when you are doing something and wishing they were there with you.' - Unknown

That night Olivia returned home to Noah and her sitter preparing for dinner. Noah lit up when saw her, smiling and waving his hand at her. She returned the smile with a glance at her sitter as she passed her to get to the high chair. Noah lifted his arms to her as soon as she was close enough.

"Ma," he prompted with his arms waving at her.

Olivia's smile grew as she scooped him up into her arms and held him close, inhaling the scent of baby powder. She kissed the crown of his head and he babbled happily at her while snuggling into her arms. She needed this after the last twenty four hours. She just needed to spend time with Noah to focus.

Facing the sitter she found her watching them fondly. "I'll give him dinner, you can get off early."

"If you're sure," the sitter replied, reaching out to stroke Noah's hand where it lay on Olivia's shoulder.

"Go home, enjoy your evening," Olivia insisted.

"Okay I'll see you in the morning," the younger woman replied with a small smile and wave as she gathered her things and left mother and son alone.

The front door clicked closed and Olivia focused her attention on Noah, putting him back into the high chair and taking off her jacket before she finished preparing his dinner. He played with the toys on his tray while the food cooled enough for him to eat it. He looked up when Olivia put a bib around his neck, kicking his legs excitedly as he realised it was dinner time.

Olivia moved around the other side of the counter and sat in a stool, facing him. She scooped up some of the food, touching it to her lip to test the temperature. Noah looked at her in interest, watching the spoon, obviously hungry. She turned the spoon and moved it closer to Noah who eagerly leant forward to eat it. "Mmm," he mumbled as he continued to lean forward for his dinner, finishing it quickly.

Olivia grabbed a couple of baby wipes and cleaned him and the tray before giving him his bear to occupy him while she put his bowl and spoon in the sink. The task kept her mind focused, a contrast to the rest of the day where it kept wandering to the letter in her bag. Thankfully it had been a slow day and she'd been able to get away early. She had no idea why she'd taken it to the precinct, why she still held onto it. Her eyes cast a sideways glance of their own volition to her bag where she left it on the counter. She sighed and ignored the pull to reread it.

'I worked with Olivia Benson for thirteen years. During my time with the Special Victims Unit, she became a close friend and confidant. '

She finished cleaning Noah's bowl, rinsing it off under the tap when she heard a soft thud. She looked over her shoulder to see Noah craning his neck to see the floor over the edge of the tray, reaching his arm out to his bear which had fallen on the floor. "Ma," he whined when he figured out he couldn't reach it.

Olivia smiled at him and came around the counter to pick the stuffed animal up. Noah brightened and clapped his hands, giggling when she offered it to him, grabbing it. "Ta," Olivia said to him and smiled when he said it back.

'She is the most compassionate person I have ever met. She is honest, hard-working, loyal and cares deeply for those fortunate enough to be let into her life. I consider it a privilege to know her.'

She unclipped the tray and unbuckled Noah. Settling him on her hip she carried him over to the sofa, grabbing her bag on her way. Placing him in the corner, he quickly managed to climb down from the sofa to the floor and started crawling to find his toys on the play mat. She watched him, happy with how content he was. This was what she had always wanted, to be part of a family.

'In the course of our work I witnessed her working with children as well as interacting with my own children. All of whom respond to her kind, loving nature. I think she would not only be able to provide a loving home for a child, but one that they would thrive in. Any child who is placed with her will be lucky just to have her in their lives, luckier still to have her as their mother.'

Olivia hadn't been lying to Munch earlier when she expected Elliot to be here when she had one. She didn't add that she expected him to be part of it. She wasn't sure what part she expected him to play. He had been the first one to break through the defences she built around her heart. The one who knew she longed for a family. The one she confided in because he understood.

Her bag sat tauntingly beside her, and she itched to look at the letter. But she resisted and climbed down on to the floor to play with Noah.

A couple of hours later, after bathing and reading to Noah, and putting him in his crib, Olivia allowed herself to give into temptation and took the letter out of the bag. Her eyes roamed the page briefly before falling to the bottom. His contact information.

"I know that you will always regret it if you don't sort this out."

Munch's words came back to her. She knew it was stubborn of her but she didn't want to be the one who reached out first. She'd tried it before and Elliot ignored her. She was scared it would happen again, the rejection still hurt when she thought about it. The letter was an apology that he never expected to reach her, never expected her to see. But she could help but feel like it was an invitation.

She reread the letter again. It wasn't until a tear drop hit the paper in her hand that she realised she was crying. Hastily wiping her cheek, she reached for her phone and dialled the number on the paper, pausing before she hit connect. Holding breath as she held the phone to her ear, listening as it rang. One ring became five and she almost hung up before it connected the other end.

"Hi," he said softly into the receiver. He didn't ask who was calling, he knew it was her. Her mind filed that away that piece of information to deal with later.

She closed her eyes as she listened to his breathing, taking some small comfort in it for the first time in three years. She could hear the apology, the regret, the fear in his voice. Olivia blinked again and bit her lip. All of the things she promised herself she would ask if she ever spoke to him again fled her mind. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she spoke.

"You know that you can be a real prick sometimes," she said, her voice hitching. She licked her lips as she tasted fresh tears.

"I know," Elliot replied.

Author Note – Thank you to all who commented on the last chapter and added the story to their favourite and follow lists. Sorry for the tease. I would love to know what you think of the chapter.