References – chapter four

"I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life." - Unknown

Silence hung between them for a long moment. Olivia had no idea what else to say, hadn't expected him to answer the phone. She wondered what he was doing and where he was, but she couldn't concentrate on anything apart from his breathing through the phone. He was there, waiting for her to say something.

"Is there something else you want to say to me other than stating the obvious?" Elliot asked gently.

"Why?" Olivia whispered. She had no idea what she was asking him. Why he left, why he didn't return her phone calls, why he wrote the letter, maybe all of those. He chose to answer the last question.

He breathed in shakily. "Because this is something you've always wanted, and deserve more than anything."

Her eyes fell to the tear stained paper she had discarded on the coffee table. "Thank you for the letter."

"It was the least I could do," he paused. "Did you kill Munch yet?"

Olivia let out a small laugh. "No, I can't believe he did this. I can't believe he got so many."

"I can't believe he didn't get more," Elliot said sincerely. Despite herself she felt the heat creep up her neck, unable to say anything to his compliment. The silence grew awkward, and she heard Elliot swallow uncomfortably. "How's it going with the baby? Munch said he was ten months?"

"It's wonderful," Olivia breathed out with a smile. "He's a happy, bright boy."

"Not surprising. You're his whole world Liv," Elliot replied somewhat wistfully.

Olivia sat a little straight at the compliment coupled with the casual utterance of the nick name he had bestowed on her all those years ago. The conversation was much calmer than she expected it to be, but she didn't want to get upset or angry with Noah in the apartment.

"What's his name?"

"Noah," Olivia replied. She knew why he was keeping the focus on the child; he was a new neutral subject. He kept them from discussing their complicated relationship. Avoidance was ingrained in their relationship, something they fell back on when things became too intense. "I've been given a year to foster. As long as that goes well, I'll be given permission to adopt."

"I'm happy for you," Elliot told her sadly.

Her eyes shut at the sound of his voice. The regret in his voice mirrored the regret in her heart. It was at times like these she wanted to hate him. Letting her know he cared but didn't follow through on it.

"I," he paused again rethinking what he was going to say. "I, uh, never thought I would miss out on watching you being a mom. You're going to be amazing."

Her eyes flew open, flashing angrily. "You made that decision without giving me a say in the matter," she said tersely. She wanted to cry, she really did. She could feel that pressure building in her eyes, and saw the tears swimming on her peripheral vision, but she held them back. She had shed too many tears over Elliot Stabler.

"I know that I'm an idiot," Elliot replied. "And a prick," he added lightly.

"Bull headed, son of a b-"

"Noah is asleep, isn't he? Because his speech is developing…" he cut her off, but his attempt at a jovial tone fell flat. "I know that there is nothing I can do to make this up to you, even if you want me to."

There was a deep pang in her heart. She would have given anything to have this conversation three years ago. She wasn't sure if she could do this anymore. She heard the yearning in his words; he wanted her to tell him how to fix this. But she didn't know if it could be.

"Elliot," she sighed. "I just, I, I don't know," she told him with difficulty.

Olivia licked her suddenly dry lips as she waited for him to reply. She never thought she would be the one to turn him away, but there was a lot more that she needed to consider, mainly Noah. She didn't think it would be fair to him to have that emotional upheaval in his life. She couldn't have her heart broken by Elliot again.

"I understand," Elliot explained.

She felt the disappointment pool in her stomach. She wasn't ready to let him back into her life, but she didn't want him to accept her decision so readily. She wanted Elliot to fight back at her, fight for her. Just like he used to. Not surrender to her choice, not give in. Not give her up again.

"I'm sorry," he said when Olivia remained silent. "For everything."

"I'm sorry too."

"You never did anything wrong Liv," Elliot replied and she could imagine him shaking his head. He coughed quietly to clear his throat. "I made a lot of mistakes, and if this is the only chance I've got to apologise then I want to you know how much I regret them."

Again Olivia had no reply. Well she had one, but she couldn't voice it. It would cost her too much to voice it. She wanted to hang on to the memory of what he meant to her. It had her a long time to reconcile the fact he wasn't in her life anymore, finally focusing on the good memories and cherishing those rather than the deep ache she felt when he left. As much as she wanted him a part of this, a part of her life, the nagging feeling that he may walk away again still bothered her.

"I miss you," she found herself saying, her voice caught in her throat on 'you'.

"Meet with me," he asked gently, almost begging her.

"No," Olivia replied forcefully. It was better this way, she told herself. Easier. It was time for them to move on, and leave it in the past. She'd never gotten over it completely, but she didn't want to do it again.

"Please," he was more desperate this time.

"Why?"

"You know why," Elliot cryptically.

And she did know why. She wanted to say yes. "What would it change Elliot?" Olivia listened to the responding silence. "What do you want from me?"

"I want to be in your life."

"You decided to leave it," Olivia shot back, her anger rising.

"I want a chance to explain," Elliot replied calmly, not reacting to her anger. His complacancy annoyed her even more.

"Why do you get to dictate when we talk? I wanted to talk three years ago, and you ignored me. I can't do this anymore."

"I'm sorry," Elliot said weakly.

"I'm sorry too, but you never gave me a say in the matter three years ago, I'm not giving you a say now."

Author Note – First of all - sorry. There is more to come – soon I hope, but I am quite busy over the next few weeks. A huge thanks to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter. I appreciate all of the follows and favourites. I just wanted to say a special thanks to Mandy and Moska for supporting and encouraging me through my writers block this week.