References – chapter six
'Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.'
Kezia
Olivia stood in front of her floor length mirror as she held a shirt up to her. She sighed, undecided as to what to wear. In the background of the mirror she saw Noah sitting in the middle of her bed, surrounded by pillows and a few of the other outfits she had been choosing between. He laughed as he shook his butterfly rattle, the bunny rested in his lap. It had been his toy of choice since he opened it over a week ago.
After Fin left that night, Olivia finally managed to settle the baby and phoned Elliot again. He picked up on the first ring. He had been contrite when she told him off for getting Fin involved. She surprised herself when she calmly offered to meet with him to talk, and suggested a quiet bar around the corner from her apartment where none of their colleagues would see them.
Over the week her nerves almost got the better of her several times and she picked the phone up to cancel but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She wasn't sure what she wanted out of tonight. She had no idea what Elliot expected after tonight. In a perfect world, their friendship would be fixed by one conversation, one word. But this wasn't a perfect world. Because if it was, Elliot wouldn't have left without saying goodbye.
Fin had been right. She was going to hear him out, not because of Elliot. She needed to hear what he had to say. It was for her peace of mind.
Olivia glanced at the clock, ten to seven. Fin would be here soon, and Elliot would be meeting her outside her building at half past. There was a time when Olivia would have insisted on meeting him at the bar, now it made her feel safer for him to meet her here. She would never admit it though.
She looked down at the shirt she still held up to her body and sighed again. She had no idea why she was being so picky about what to wear; Elliot had seen her at her best and her worst. She wanted it to be casual to belie the anxiety she felt, but she still wanted her outfit to look good on her.
A loud knock sounded through the apartment, and she frowned. She hadn't buzzed anyone into the building. Checking her watch again as she picked Noah up from the bed. He dropped the rattle and grabbed the rabbit while he smiled up at her. Settling him on her hip she walked out to the front door and checked through the peephole. Fin was early.
She plastered on a smile as she unlatched the door and held it open for Fin. He gave them a soft smile as he took in the sight.
"Hey guys, your neighbour let me in," Fin said as he shut the door behind him. "You ready to spend some time with Uncle Fin, Noah?"
"Unca 'In," Noah repeated, bouncing on Olivia's hip. He held the bunny out to Fin. "Buh'nee."
"Yeah that's bunny, but we're gonna talk about football little man," Fin replied as he produced a small ball from his pocket.
"Ball," Noah repeated as he leant in Fin's direction and held his arms out.
Fin held his arms out to receive him, giving Olivia a surprised smile as Noah had never asked for him before. He'd never grumbled when Fin held him when they were introduced but he'd never initiated contact with him. Olivia smiled as Noah tucked the bunny between him and Fin and reached for the mini football. Seeing Noah was in good hands she relaxed slightly.
"Come on Noah, we'll hang out here while Mama gets dressed huh," Fin said pointedly as he glanced at her robe before winking at her.
"That would be fine if I knew what I was wearing," Olivia muttered as she turned on her heel to return to her bedroom. And she tried not to laugh when she heard Fin talking to Noah, but loud enough for her to hear.
"Now, your Mama and Elliot never dated, but she still wants to look good. Now this is what all women do with their exes and then they say they didn't put much thought into it."
"Mama," she heard Noah repeat seriously as she re-entered the bedroom.
She looked into the open closet and grabbed what she had been looking for. Quickly changing and reapplying her make-up before spraying some perfume on, she returned to the living room. Noah was standing on the sofa babbling at Fin, who had his hand on Noah's back to make sure he wouldn't fall. They noticed her and Noah started clapping.
"Mama," he said holding his arms out to her. She scooped him up with a smile.
"He's had his dinner, and his bath. There's a bottle in the fridge, he can have it when I go. He usually goes down after that but he might not since you're here. If he doesn't, don't worry," Olivia said in a rush, trying to remember everything that Fin needed to know.
"Liv," Fin said reaching out a hand to her. "Breathe. Noah will be fine. Everything's gonna be fine, I got this. You don't need to be nervous. About anything," he added gently.
"Thanks for this, I just have no idea what I'm going to do," Olivia replied.
"Don't decide anything till you've spoken with Elliot."
Olivia didn't reply and tried to keep her face neutral. She replaced Noah on the sofa next to Fin started to sort through her bag. Noah quickly climbed off the sofa and crawled around to where she was sat on the stool. He grasped the fabric of her jeans to pull himself up.
"Mama," he said softly patting her knees.
She smiled down at him and placed her bag on the counter before picking him up. "Are you going to be good for Uncle Fin?"
Noah looked over at Fin and shrugged before placing his head on Olivia's shoulder. He yawned and she hoped it was sign he would go to bed easily. He generally did for her, but he wasn't used to someone other than her or the sitter doing his bedtime routine.
Her phone began to vibrate on the counter. Elliot.
"I have to go Noah," Olivia said as she carried him over to the sofa. "Call me-"
"If I need anything, I know Liv," Fin said as he took Noah from her. "Good luck," he said sincerely.
"Thanks," she breathed out nervously. "Goodnight Noah, I love you," she swooped down and placed a kiss on Noah's forehead before turning to grab her bag. "I'll see you soon," she called.
Olivia cast one last glance over her shoulder and a genuine smile graced her lips. Noah was standing against Fin, smiling and waving at her.
"Bye Mama," he called.
"Bye Noah."
….
Olivia pushed open the door to the lobby and paused. Her eyes looked through the glass doors to see the back of Elliot. He was facing the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Olivia took a second to study him. He was wearing a suit, and she wondered if she had been the only one to worry about what to wear. His hair was now peppered with grey but apart from that he didn't seem that different. She couldn't see his face but she could imagine his expression from his posture. His head was downcast and he was studying some spot on the ground. After a moment he sighed and removed his left hand out of his pocket to check the time. Her lips lifted. He was still impatient.
Dropping his arm to his side, he looked over his shoulder and immediately met her eyes. He didn't smile but his eyes softened as he turned fully to the door expectantly. Olivia watched as his eyes took in her appearance, finally rising to her face again. Apart from a few extra worry lines around the eyes he hadn't changed. It spurred her into action again as she averted her gaze and strode to the front door.
Elliot side stepped the door as she pushed it open. They stood looking at one another again for beat, the door clicking behind Olivia.
"Hi," Elliot said slowly, warmly.
"Hi," Olivia replied. She could see the anxiety in his piercing eyes, relieved she wasn't the only one who was nervous.
Elliot hesitated, contemplating. His arms twitched almost as if he was going to hug her then he relaxed, the action forgotten as he second guessed it. Olivia sagged, trying to hide her disappointment. Despite everything, she wouldn't have stopped him.
"So where are we going?" Elliot asked as they fell into step beside one another.
"There's a bar just around the corner. It's quiet-"
"And public," Elliot added.
Olivia gave him a sharp look. "It's neutral."
Elliot's lip quirked into a smile but it was gone in a flash. "I'm sorry," he offered seriously.
Olivia didn't reply just quickened her pace. Being taller than her, it didn't take Elliot long to catch up with her as he adjusted his stride, keeping up her pace when he came up beside her. They rest of their walk to the bar was in strained silence. Five minutes later they were sliding into opposite sides of the corner booth at the back of the bar.
"So who's looking after Noah?"
"Fin," Olivia replied.
Elliot nodded. "How is Noah?"
"He loves the rabbit," she smiled. "Thank you. You didn't have to get him a present."
Their eyes locked again. "I wanted to. He's going to be one next month," Elliot said.
"Yeah, I can't believe where the time has gone."
"Enjoy it," Elliot said knowingly, obviously thinking about the lost time with his children, and she nodded in reply. "I'm happy for you. You deserve this. It should have happened a long time ago."
Their eyes held for a long moment before it became uncomfortable for them and Elliot cleared his throat. "Have you eaten yet?" Elliot asked.
"Uh, no," Olivia said reluctantly. She'd agreed to a drink not a meal with him.
Elliot nodded understandingly. He was just as reluctant as her. "Let's just start with a drink. What do you want?"
"I'll have a beer," she told him and he rose to go to the bar.
With that Elliot left her alone in the booth. The bar was almost was quiet for mid-week and Olivia watched as Elliot placed their order and leant his forearms on the bar as he waited for the bartender. She tried to assure herself that they were easing into what would be a difficult conversation, but in all honesty she knew they were avoiding, not ready to confront the situation between them. It was tense and awkward and all she wanted to do was run but she didn't. She owed herself this.
Elliot looked over his shoulder at her and she knew he was checking to make sure she was still there. His eyes lit up when she rolled her eyes at him and she couldn't help but send a small smile back.
Once he was re-seated opposite her, their eyes locked as they took the first sip from their bottles. Slowly the seconds ticked by. One, two, three…and her impatience rose. At the count of ten it got the better of her.
"You asked me to meet with you Elliot," she prompted as she put her bottle back down on the table with more force than she intended.
His eyes flashed to hers and he lowered his bottle to the table. "I," he started. "I have no idea where to start Liv. What do you want me to say?"
"This isn't about what I want you to say. I want to know why you didn't tell me you were leaving, why you cut off all contact without a word. I want to know the truth even if it's something you think I don't want to hear."
"I was a selfish coward," Elliot stated. "I was scared to talk to you because I knew you would talk me out of it."
Olivia stared back at him, biting the inside of her cheek. Fin told her the same thing and she hadn't understood what he meant at the time, didn't want to understand anyway. She was the only one who had been in denial about the whole thing. Everyone else saw the bigger picture, and she refused to believe it.
"I wouldn't have stood in your way," she replied bitterly.
"Really?" Elliot asked. "It wasn't an easy decision to make. I wanted to see you, but I knew if I did…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I wouldn't have left and I couldn't do that job anymore, I couldn't watch any more innocent people destroyed like that."
He was calm when he said it, resigned and weary. Outwardly he was still Elliot Stabler. But Olivia could see how tired he was, there was a lack of spark to his eyes. He'd had three years to accept his reasoning, but she'd only had thirty seconds.
"So that meant that you had to leave me too?" She kept her voice quiet so the other patrons at the bar wouldn't hear her. She hated the yearning whine to her voice.
"Unintentionally or not, you would have drawn me back in and I would have jumped through every hoop that IAB wanted me too." He took a deep breath. "I would have come back for you," he tacked on barely whispering.
"Why?" She asked. But she already knew the answer. Their relationship had connected them to the unit.
Elliot bypassed the question. "We needed a clean break, Liv. If I had stayed in your life afterwards, things would have gotten complicated." Their eyes held for a long moment, both knowing what that word meant to them, before Olivia averted her gaze.
"You don't know that," she argued back with a shake of her head. She lifted her bottle to her lips to take a sip and she felt the condensation sliding down the glass and catching on her hand. While her head was tilted up she took the opportunity to close her eyes briefly against the onslaught of emotions she felt. "You're married."
"Not anymore," Elliot replied. It was barely above a whisper, but it cut through her thoughts as though he had said it through a megaphone.
Olivia slowly lowered her bottle to the table. Her eyes landing on the bare wedding finger as he held the base of his bottle. There weren't any indents to suggest it was recently taken off. He drummed them against the glass to emphasise his point. She wanted to ask, but stubbornly refused to give him the satisfaction.
Olivia sighed and finally met his eyes. Despite his eyes being overcast by the way the light fell, his gaze still penetrated her. She wanted to keep an open mind when speaking with him. He was clouding her judgement, and she wondered if he was doing it deliberately.
"I'm sorry, I asked you here so I could apologise and I'm making it worse," Elliot said straightening his back.
"What exactly are you apologising for? Leaving without saying goodbye or not talking to me for three years?"
"All of the above and a lot more," Elliot replied.
"What do you want from me Elliot?" Olivia asked tiredly. "What do you expect to happen after tonight?"
He stared back at her silently. That's when it hit her.
He didn't know either.
At one point, her life had been so intertwined with his that she never expected it not to be. Their lives were so different now that she couldn't imagine him being back in hers.
There was a time when she loved him and he loved her. They never acted on it, they couldn't, never even said it out loud, but they knew; a silent declaration with every glance, every gesture. Their rarely indulged in flirting was treat to them, easing some of the pressure.
He had been her friend, her partner, and her unrequited.
She couldn't do it anymore.
She had changed in the three years since he left. Elliot had changed.
As much as she wanted him back in her life, she had no idea where he would fit.
"This was a mistake," Elliot said quietly.
Olivia nodded sadly. "Probably," she told him.
His eyes shut briefly and he nodded too. They couldn't undo the past, too much had happened. He could have answered her calls. She could have gone looking for him and forced him to talk to her. Both of them regretted how it ended, but it had ended.
"Then let's make this the goodbye we never had back then," Elliot suggested.
Olivia nodded and they spent the next two hours talking about everything other than them. His children; Noah; Cragen; Munch and Fin. They laughed at good memories and bypassed the bad ones. They had dinner together. To outsiders they were two friends catching up, not two people who were saying goodbye.
It was almost ten when they left the bar. Olivia didn't pull away when Elliot slipped his hand into hers as he walked her back to her building and they stood staring at each other, memorizing the moment, every detail of each other's face so they could remember it.
Their eyes were watering and Elliot reached out to wipe a stray tear from her cheek, his hand resting on her skin. She gave him a broken timid smile which conveyed her devastation. She leant in to press a kiss to his cheek, but she misjudged and caught the corner of his mouth. She was pulling back when Elliot turned his head a fraction and captured her lips in his. Their noses grazed and lips nudged.
It was quick and chaste. Nothing like she thought it would be, but all that it could be. Just as she was about to deepen the kiss, he was pulling back.
"Goodbye Olivia," Elliot said as he released her hand.
"Goodbye Elliot."
Author Note – please have faith…more to come.