References – chapter seven
'I worked so hard for that first kiss
And a heart don't forget something like that
Like an old photograph
Time can make a feeling fade
But the memory of a first love
Never fades away'
Tim McGraw
Olivia stood in her kitchen, her arms folded across her chest. Her eyebrow was cocked in amusement as she watched the silent stand off before her. She lifted a hand and let her fingertips cover her lips in an effort to hide the snicker that was threatening to escape. She never imagined she would see anything like what she was witnessing right at that moment.
Noah sat in his high chair with a deep frown of concentration set on his face as he returned the stare of John Munch, who was sitting opposite him in one of the stools. They were equally fascinated by one another. But it was the cone birthday hat on Munch's head which confused Noah the most. Olivia couldn't remember a time when either had been quiet for this long.
When she started planning Olivia had no idea what to do for Noah's birthday. She met a few parents when she took Noah to the park or the baby play group but she didn't know them well enough to invite them over, but she didn't want the day to go by without celebrating it. She never anticipated how eagerly her friends would accept her shy invitation to Noah's birthday.
Her own birthday served as a painful reminder to her mother of the attack which caused her conception. Olivia often bore the brunt of her mother's outbursts which were stirred by her memories, which always seemed more vivid on her birthday.
Fin approached the two of them from the other side, leaving Nick and Amanda with Zara, who was staying with her father during the school holidays, in the living room. He was as intrigued by the interaction between his former partner and Noah as Olivia was. He caught her attention with a nod of his head.
"Who do you think will win?" He asked.
"Noah," Olivia smiled.
"I should feel insulted that you think I can't win a staring contest with a one year old," Munch replied turning to her.
Olivia looked back at her former colleague and pointed at Noah. "You're looking at me and he's still staring at you. So he won."
Munch shrugged and turned back to Noah. "I'm pleasantly surprised by his suspicions. You wait till I explain about the government."
"He's one John," Olivia sighed, but was unable to stop the fond twitch of her lips. "Can you at least wait till he's five before you start discussing conspiracies with him?"
Munch looked at her over the rim of his glasses as he considered her request. Eventually he wrinkled his nose but nodded reluctantly. He turned to face her fully when Fin slid onto the stool next to him. Both of them looked at her somewhat expectantly, like they were about to start interrogating her.
They continued to look at her, and she fought the urge to fidget as she waited for them to say whatever they obviously wanted to. They tried to keep their expressions neutral but Olivia knew them better than that. The hair on the back of her neck stood up and she knew she wasn't going to like it. Whatever it was she wished they would restrain themselves till later, hopefully another day, any other day than today. She just wanted to enjoy Noah's birthday.
She may not have given birth to him, but she couldn't imagine feeling any different if she had. He was hers and he knew that. She felt her heart flutter every time he reached out for her, every time he looked to her first when he needed something, every time he called her Mama.
"Mama," Noah said quietly.
Olivia turned to her son to find him still scowling at the hat. He really didn't like it. Munch was the only person wearing one. Olivia sighed as she moved to Noah. Leaning over him she placed a comforting kiss on the crown of his head as she unbuckled him from the high chair. He immediately snuggled into her when she lifted him to her hip.
"Take the hat off John, you're scaring Noah," Olivia told him.
"It's not just Noah," Fin added with a playful scoff.
"He wouldn't be scared if everyone else would agree to wear one," Munch grumbled as he took the hat off and put it on the counter.
"But then you would be conforming with the rest of us," Fin replied.
"Good point," Munch conceded. "So what are you two doing tomorrow?" He asked Olivia.
"I'm going to take him to the park and then the zoo." Today was for her extended family, tomorrow was for just her and Noah.
"Down," Noah said and he started wriggling against her. Olivia put him down and he automatically slid onto his knees and started crawling towards where Nick sat with Amanda and Zara. He still hadn't started walking on his own yet.
Olivia kept her eyes on him as he approached Nick and held on to the sofa so he could stand to grab the discarded stuffed bunny which he left there earlier. It was still his favourite toy and he went back to it after opening the presents which everyone had bought for him. Her eyes lingered on him as he started cuddling it close. The ache in her heart fluttered as it triggered the memories of the man who had given it to him.
With that thought Olivia turned abruptly. She didn't want to dwell on that today. Her eyes roamed the kitchen, looking for a distraction. They fell on the cake box on the counter. In two steps she was in front of it and removing the top box.
"I'm going to sort out the cake," she said over her shoulder to Fin ad John. As she moved her focus back to the cake she saw them exchange a glance and Fin started to slide off his stool. She grabbed Noah's bib and held it out to Fin.
"Can you get Noah to sit on the sofa please?"
He accepted the piece of fabric and went to do as Olivia asked him. Olivia and Munch watched him approach Noah and speak gently to him. They watched as he helped Noah climb on to the sofa to sit next to Zara. Munch turned to her with a thoughtful expression on his face. She immediately twirled so she was facing away from him again, wanting to avoid whatever he had to say.
She heard the stool scrape across the floor as Munch pushed it out from under him. Her ears focused on the quiet footfalls, ignoring the chatter from the other end of the room. Her hands busied themselves with grabbing the plates and placing them on the counter. Munch approached almost hesitantly, hovering a few feet away while she found the candle and matches for the cake. She pierced the icing as she pushed the candle into the centre. Munch cleared his throat softly and took a step closer to her.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elliot," he told her quietly.
Olivia paused and sighed, resting her hands on the work top either side of the cake. "It's not your fault John," she told him, her voice barely above a whisper. She didn't want the others to hear their conversation.
It had been six weeks since she had met with Elliot. Since they had said goodbye. Since Fin had shot her the understanding sympathetic stare when he saw her watery eyes as she walked through her front door that night. He hadn't asked what had happened, he already knew. She had never been as grateful for his silent support as she had in that moment. He didn't offer to stay, knowing she wanted to be alone.
She hadn't called Elliot since, and he hadn't tried to contact her. It really was for good this time. She felt a small pang of disappointment when she didn't hear from him today. Even Cragen had sent a card from his cruise. She didn't know why she expected to hear from Elliot, he didn't know what today was. But there was a little throbbing inside her heart that he was missing her sons' first birthday.
Shaking her head to clear it, she curled her hand around the handle of the knife and placed it on the board beside the cake. Munch shuffled next to her and she knew he was waiting for her to elaborate. She looked up at him, tilting her head to the side and smiling sadly.
"You did a lovely thing for me, something that I will always appreciate. But one conversation after three years is not going to change things between me and Elliot."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," she admitted reluctantly. She didn't like it, but it was the truth. "I know that you wanted to help us, but this isn't some fairy tale. We're different people now, we lead different lives." Munch exhaled loudly, like he wanted to disagree. Olivia placed a hand on his arm. "You gave us a chance to say goodbye, that's something we never got the chance to do before. And I will always be grateful for that. I know that Elliot is too."
She was sure of that particular point. Elliot had been as disappointed as she was.
"Are you sure?" Munch asked again, his eyes boring into her.
She returned his stare, a lump forming in her throat. She swallowed but said nothing. She wasn't sure. Instead of answering she took hold of the board to lift it but Munch stopped her.
His hands moved to dislodge hers. "Go sit with your son, I'll bring this over. Today is for you too, go help him blow out the candle."
Olivia nodded with a small smile. "Thank you."
She turned and walked to where Noah was sitting. She scooped him up to place him on her lap. Everyone moved to face them as she heard Munch strike the match behind them and they all started to sing Happy Birthday as he walked towards them with the cake in his hands.
Noah looked curiously at the rest of the room, confused by their singing. Olivia smiled to reassure him, trying not to look at the camera Fin pointed at them to capture the moment. Noah swivelled in her lap as Munch passed on the other side of them to place the cake in front of them on the coffee table before going to stand behind Fin. She rolled her eyes when she noticed the hat was sat on his head again.
Noah's mouth dropped open in wonder as he gaped at the cake in fascination. The singing was coming to the end and Olivia held Noah to her as she scooted to the edge of the sofa to lean towards the cake.
"Noah, blow out the candle," she said into his ear. He turned his head to her, unsure of what to do. So she leant them forward further and exaggerated a blow at the candle, encouraging him to copy her.
"Blow Noah," Zara called out clapping.
Eventually he started to copy Olivia and she put a little more force into her blow to extinguish the candle. Everyone started clapping and Noah looked around in surprise. So did Olivia. They all looked back with pride and love. She was constantly surprised by the people who had formed a tight nit family around her. She had always wanted a family of her own. This was for her as well as Noah. This was her family.
So why did she have a niggling feeling that something was missing.
….
The following day Olivia sat on the blanket with Noah. They had spent the better part of an hour in the playground before moving to one of the open spaces to have the lunch she had brought with them. In the distance she saw a children's soccer tournament starting to disperse but her attention was on Noah who sat with the bunny at his side, while he held the mini football which Fin had given him.
It felt good to spend two whole uninterrupted days with him. Even though she made Fin promise to call if they needed her, she knew he wouldn't. Yesterday had gone better than she expected and Noah had enjoyed most of it.
After eventually warming up to Munch, Noah had sat on his lap as he gave into his curiosity and examined the party hat on the old man's head. She hadn't been able to hold back the laugh when Olivia saw Noah's tiny hand curl around the elastic which secured the hat to Munch's head and pull before releasing it, causing it to snap against Munch's chin. The hat stayed off after that.
Noah was turning the ball in his hands. He held it up to Olivia.
"Ball," he told her. His arm was quick as he launched it over her shoulder and it landed behind her. She looked at him in surprise; he was apparently as shocked as she was. "Oh no, gone," he said with a small shrug.
"Uncle Fin's been teaching to throw, hasn't he?" Olivia commented as she started to stand.
"Unca In?" Noah replied. Olivia smiled as he looked around expectantly.
"Come on, let's find the ball." She bent to pick him up.
"I'll get it for you," a young boy called as Olivia stood.
She turned to see a blonde boy jog wearing a soccer uniform from the nearby path and pick up the ball. He looked it over to make sure it was clean as he closed the distance to her and Noah. He held it out to her with a smile.
"Here you go," he said.
"Thank you," Olivia replied, accepting the ball from him. She looked around to see any parents for him, when she saw none she looked back down at him. "Do you have someone with you?"
The boy looked over his shoulder and pointed. "My dad's coming, he's gonna be mad that I ran off ahead." He said a little sadly.
"He'll just be worried about you," Olivia said trying to pin point where he was indicating but there was a group of people and she couldn't clearly see. She lowered herself to a crouch, still holding on to Noah. "If you give me a minute-"
"Eli!"
The boy swivelled quickly and Olivia's head shot up as she heard the voice she would recognise anywhere. Her eyes closed briefly, wondering if her mind was playing tricks on her. When they opened they studied the boy in front of her, finding the similarities which she had missed before. She reasoned that she hadn't seen him in three years.
"I was helping the lady and her baby. He threw the ball really far Dad," Eli replied as he jogged to his father.
Olivia tightened her grip on Noah as she stood. She watched Elliot pat Eli's shoulder gently, reassuring himself and the child. He hadn't noticed her yet, he was just focused on the fact that he hadn't lost Eli. He flashed a smile at his son as he registered his words.
"I know you were doing a good thing Eli, but you know you shouldn't have run off in the first place."
"I'm sorry dad," Eli said.
Elliot patted his shoulder again and finally looked up at her. His eyes widened, and then softened immediately when he realised it was her.
"Hi," he said, almost timidly. Elliot took a step forward, and then he faltered.
"Hi," Olivia replied. "Um, Eli was helping me and Noah."
Elliot looked at the boy in her arms and smiled gently. "Got a hell of an arm on him," he commented.
In spite of the warring emotions inside of her, Olivia let out a laugh and squeezed Noah. "Yeah, I think he's been watching too much football."
Elliot nodded. He sighed and gestured to the other end of the park. "We were at the soccer tournament," he said. "How are you?"
"I'm good, we're just about to go to the zoo." Their gazes held and everything around them seemed to stop for a moment.
"Do you two know each other?" Eli asked, tugging Elliot's hand to get his attention.
"Eli, this is Olivia," Elliot explained. "We used work together when I was in the police."
Eli's eyes grew big as he turned back to Olivia. "You're Olivia? The one that was there when I was born?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I am. You've gotten big Eli."
Eli puffed out his chest proudly. "I'm seven," he told her. "What's your baby's name?"
"This is Noah. Noah, say hi to Eli and Elliot."
"Hi," he said with a shy wave and placed his head in the crook of her neck.
The two Stabler's stepped closer, Elliot's focus was on Noah. "Hi Noah," he said softly. "You're going to see the animals, huh little man?"
Noah didn't reply just turned shyly into Olivia's neck.
"Hi Noah," Eli said. He reached up and tickled Noah's chin to make him laugh. "How old is he?"
"He turned one yesterday," Olivia replied.
Elliot looked at her apologetically. Olivia felt the heat flush creeping up her neck under his mesmerising stare. She tried to ignore the regret, the pain and the yearning she saw there, knowing she felt the same. She always imagined him to be a part of this. And now it hurt to have him to watching from the outside like a stranger. She never imagined things would ever get this awkward with him. They had made a decision and all she wanted was to take it back.
"We'll let you guys get going. I promised Eli pizza," Elliot said forlornly. "You're a lucky little boy Noah. You've got an incredible mother." The last part was directed at her and she had to look away from his intense stare. Elliot took hold of Eli's hand and they turned to leave. Eli looked over his shoulder and waved at them.
"Wait," she found herself calling just before they reached the path. They paused to and looked back at her expectantly. Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but she hesitated over the words. Her eyes met Elliot's again and she saw the spark of hope there. All of the fear and trepidation faded away and she found the courage to speak. "Do you want to keep us company at the zoo?"
Author Note – Thank you all for your wonderful comments and for following the story, you're an amazing bunch of people. I have had a few people ask me about my updating this week, on a few different stories. I've had a lot going on at home and my work schedule will be changing soon (not sure if that will give me more or less time to write) but I will try to get at least one update a week per story done. I would love to know what you think of it so far, so if you have the time please leave a comment.