References – chapter eight
"All nature is but art, unknown to thee; All chance, direction, which thou canst not see; All discord, harmony not understood; All partial evil, universal good; And spite of pride, in erring reason's spite, One truth is clear, Whatever is, is right"
Alexander Pope
Olivia tightened her hold on Noah as he laughed at Eli as he did an impression of the monkey they had seen. She smiled as he tried to copy the older boy. She smiled over at Eli as he continued to make the sound of a monkey as well as curling his arms up under his armpits. Her gaze drifted upwards, unbidden. She saw Elliot's eyes sparkling as he watched the two boys interact.
Sensing her attention he met her gaze and the spark dimmed shyly as they got caught up in the other's stare. They'd spent the entire time focusing their energy on the boys rather than the awkward atmosphere generating between them. If the children noticed, neither of them reacted. Olivia averted her eyes first, looking at Noah as he pointed at Eli.
"Eeli," he squealed happily.
Immediately Eli reacted, stopping his impression. "Hey, you said my name Noah," he exclaimed happily as he took a step closer to them. "Way to go little man," he smiled.
"Eeli," Noah repeated clapping his hands together before making the monkey noise again. The older boy got the hint and did his impression again, delighting when Noah started laughing again.
Olivia was glad she had given in to the impulse to ask Elliot and Eli to join them at the zoo, relieved when they agreed. No matter what was, or wasn't, going on with her and Elliot the four of them had a great time while walking around the zoo. She lost herself in the moment sometimes, letting her guard down as she watched Elliot and Eli. But those moments were tinged with heartache.
His laughter cut through her heart as she realised how much she had missed this side of him, even though she had never really been able to witness it. Over the years she'd seen him with the older children but she hadn't really been privy to his private time with them. Not like this anyway.
Neither of them spoke to each other, just the children. It was too difficult, too hesitant and this wasn't the time or the place to discuss their last meeting. She had no idea what to say about it anyway. She hadn't been lying to Munch when she told him they had said goodbye, gotten closure on that time in their life. In her head she had been able to rest easier after that night at the bar, repairing the gaping hole his abrupt departure left in her heart. They had closed that chapter in their lives.
Their chance meeting, however, had ripped it open like a gaping wound. Their history churned in her head as she tried to hide her reaction. She could feel it building in her, warring with the side of her which enjoyed spending the day with them. She tried to ignore it, push it down inside her, not wanting to ruin the children's fun. She was so confused and felt a flare of anger towards Elliot for doing this to her. To them.
They continued down past the monkeys towards the polar bears. Noah was perched on her hip as she tried to steer the stroller awkwardly with one hand. Olivia stilled when Elliot stepped into her side and his hand covered her own, dislodging it as he took control of the stroller. Olivia looked at him in shock as he started to push the stroller for her. He steadfastly kept his focus on the path ahead of them, and it was probably for the best anyway. She didn't think she could deal with any more of those empathic stares from him.
"Dad, I'm hungry," Eli announced as he stepped between them.
Olivia felt guilty as she remembered they were going to get lunch before agreeing to go with her to the zoo.
"We'll get something soon Buddy," Elliot told him.
Noah rested his head on Olivia's shoulder, yawning quietly. She glanced at her watch and realised it was way past time for his nap.
"What about pizza?" Eli asked.
"We'll order in for dinner," Elliot promised.
"Can Olivia and Noah come?" Eli tilted up at Elliot, squinting as the sun caught his eye.
She glanced at Elliot when his step faltered momentarily but he recovered from his stumble quickly. There was a tiny voice in the back of her head which was relieved he was as affected by this as she was. Elliot cleared his throat, cautiously casting a look in her direction to gage her reaction. "If they want…" He trailed off looking at her, pleading with her to answer his question.
Olivia tried to read him, but he gave nothing away. She knew it was probably a bad idea, but as much as she wanted to put an end to the awkwardness she couldn't bring herself to put an end to their time together.
"Actually, Noah is getting tired," Olivia started. "You could come back to mine, we still have cake left over from yesterday," she offered.
"Cake?" Eli perked up, twisting his head between both adults eagerly. But their attention was on one another.
Elliot's lips lifted and his expression softened. "Are you sure?"
"Loaded question," Olivia thought to herself. She knew he wasn't just asking about having cake. There was so much hope and relief in those three words. It eased her concerns a little. Olivia nodded shyly. "Yeah."
…..
A couple of hours later Elliot and Olivia sat across from one another over her kitchen counter. Elliot chuckled as pushed aside his plate.
"He really did that to Munch?" Elliot asked when his laughter died down. He looked over his shoulder at the crib in the corner with the slumbering infant inside. A few feet away Eli lay on the sofa, also napping after the long day.
Olivia nodded, smiling at the memory. "Yep, all I saw was his hand grabbing the elastic and then I heard the snap. I warned Munch that he didn't like the hat."
Elliot nodded, turning pensive. Olivia felt the mood shift and tried to mentally prepare herself for whatever Elliot wanted to say.
"You moved," he said quietly. Even though it was a statement, she could hear the question behind it.
"Yeah," Olivia drawled out slowly, nodding. "I couldn't go back there after…" It was Elliot's turn to nod sharply, cutting her off as he realised what she was referring too. They hadn't talked about her abduction when they met before and she didn't really want to talk about it now. She had moved past that time in her head, and she didn't want to dwell on it with Elliot.
"I'm sorry, I know you loved that place."
"I did," she said thickly. She returned his stare, silently begging him to leave this conversation there. Thankfully the three years of silence didn't hinder their ability to read each other and Elliot let the subject drop.
"So, uh, you're doing an incredible job with Noah," Elliot told her.
Olivia smiled, leaning her elbows on the table pushed her plate aside. "Thanks, it doesn't feel like it sometimes though."
Elliot nodded understandingly. He'd been in the same position, with long hours pitted against parenthood. He'd missed out on so much of his older children growing up, and she understood how the frustration he felt back then because now she felt the same when the sitter told her about Noah's day. The videos and pictures weren't enough sometimes, she wanted to witness it first-hand.
"He adores you," Elliot stated gruffly. "It's going to be tough at times, but in the end it's worth it."
"Umm," she murmured non-committedly. Eli chose that moment to roll over in his sleep and her gaze shot to him. "Do you get to spend a lot of time with Eli now?"
"Yeah, I get him every weekend and if Kathy is on nights at the hospital," Elliot nodded. "My schedule gives me that freedom. I've got to see a lot more than I did with the other kids."
He mentioned his job of training private security officers when they had dinner. His job hadn't been the only change in his life. She envied the new peace he exuded. There was still a haunted look in his eyes; the torment which came from years on the job was still there and would never truly leave him. But it wasn't as obvious as before.
"So you're doing this on your own?" Elliot said carefully, guarded.
"Yeah," Olivia nodded. "Brian and I were together for a while, but we wanted different things."
Elliot's brow crinkled. "Brian? As in Cassidy?"
Olivia rolled her eyes at his tone, his opinion made clear as he scrunched his nose.
"He was there for me when I needed him," she defended heavily. She knew it was a low blow but she couldn't help it. Elliot looked contrite as she uttered the comment; he knew he had no right to make a judgement on that part of her life. And in that moment part of her hated him because it forced the next questions out of her mouth. "What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"
Elliot shook his head slowly, watching her reaction closely. She fought to keep her expression neutral, and her hate for him deepened a fraction. He drew her in, faster, deeper than anyone else she knew. She hated that loss of control over her feelings, hated how confused he made her. It felt even worse to know he was aware of her reaction to him, and while she knew Elliot didn't intentionally do it because he was as drawn to her as she was to him. They had both used it against the other at some stage in their partnership. Unintentionally or not, they couldn't help it and it often came out as a barbed comment when they were bickering, leading to a loaded apology which confused their boundaries, professional and personal, further.
"I had a good time today," Elliot pushed gently. Olivia cocked an eyebrow at him, conveying her doubt to him, but he continued undeterred. "It may have been a coincidence, but I'm happy it happened," he cleared his throat loudly, uncomfortably. "I was wondering if I could call you…"
Olivia breathed in sharply and recoiled from the table. "What exactly do you want from me Elliot?" She whispered harshly, trying not to wake the children. "What exactly has changed in the last six weeks? In the last sixteen years?"
"We said goodbye," Elliot replied, as if it was obvious.
Olivia's mouth opened but her angry retort died on her lips as she registered his response. "And how has that changed anything?" She heard her voice rising and she fought to keep her ire under control.
"It gives us a chance to start over," he offered softly.
"That's not possible," Olivia blurted with a shake of her head.
"Because you don't want it to be?"
"No," her voice softened at his disheartened tone. "Because neither of us is naïve enough to think that would work. We've got too much history here to ignore it like that."
Elliot nodded understandingly, accepting her answer. He waited another beat before sighing. "I'm sorry that I kissed you."
Olivia closed her eyes and huffed out an unamused laugh. "You know how to make a woman feel better? Apologise for kissing her," she said sarcastically. "Besides I started it," she said bitterly.
"But-" Elliot stopped talking as she narrowed her eyes at him, daring him to continue. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips. "I have a lot of regrets when it comes to you," he admitted quietly.
Olivia knew exactly what he was talking about. She had the same regrets. She had no idea what spurred that confession out of him. No idea what possessed him to break their unspoken rule. He was being honest and she had no idea how to handle it. She shook her head and sighed.
"I wanted to be more than your partner," Elliot added when she didn't reply.
Olivia closed her eyes, willing herself to keep control, to keep calm. She needed to end this here, she couldn't do this anymore. So she fought honesty with honesty.
"It never would have worked," she breathed out as her eyes reopened. His eye dropped but she pressed on. "As much as either of us wishes it could have, it wouldn't. We would have ended up hating each other." She hated to admit it but she realised that was the truth.
"You don't know that," Elliot told her.
"Yes, I do," Olivia insisted. "If you had left Kathy back then, if we had taken our chance…but that's not who we are. We would never have been happy sneaking around, hiding from your family, hiding from our friends. We wouldn't have fell," Olivia paused before she said too much. "We wouldn't care about each other if we were those people. Kathy, your kids, would have blamed me for you two splitting. And you would have ended up resenting me for that." Maybe it was out of self-preservation that she tacked on, "We wanted what we couldn't have."
He was silent for a long minute as he contemplated her answer. Olivia wanted him to accept it, tried to convince herself it was true. They were both unattainable back then; he was married and she was his partner. She had wondered for a long time whether that fuelled the initial attraction.
"Things are different now," Elliot replied.
"And you expect me to fall into your arms now that we're both single, now we don't work together anymore? After three years of silence, that's what you expect?" Olivia asked incredulously.
"No," Elliot replied vehemently. "I would never… I just…I don't want any more regrets. I've done that before."
"Out of curiosity-"
"You know you mean more to me than that," Elliot insisted his hand slamming on the counter top before she could finish her train of thought. "And I'm not asking for that, I know that I hurt you. But I want a chance to make it right."
"Why can't we just leave things the way they were?" She asked out loud, knowing he wouldn't agree.
"Because you mean more to me than that," Elliot said gently.
And she did know, just like Elliot knew he meant more to her. He was playing on those feelings, and she hated that she was allowing him to. But it was an impulse which he was giving into, one she would have given into if their situations were reversed.
"I would like to be in your life if you'll let me."
"You walked out of it," she reminded him. She was stopped from continuing when she saw Noah standing in the corner of his crib, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"Mama," he called sleepily around a big yawn. Elliot looked over his shoulder and Olivia was relieved for the distraction.
"And it's not just my life now," Olivia murmured as she walked around the counter to deal with her son.
"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."
Bette Midler
Author Note – Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think…