References – chapter nine
'Encouragement to others is something everyone can give. Somebody needs what you have to give. It may not be your money; it may be your time. It may be your listening ear. It may be your arms to encourage. It may be your smile to uplift. Who knows?' Joel Osteen
Olivia was crawling around her living room, craning her head under each piece of furniture trying to spot the soft grey fur of Noah's beloved toy. Above her on the sofa, Noah crawled and moved with her, following her movements to find his favourite toy and occasionally patted her head. It was nowhere to be seen. She sighed in disappointment, trying to remember the last time she had seen him with it.
Their day at the park and zoo had wiped him out. He had been too exhausted the night before to need it when he fell asleep, dozing off immediately after she and Elliot had brought him and Eli into her apartment. She hadn't needed it to resettle him after he stirred and interrupted her discussion with Elliot.
She paused, her gaze sweeping across the expanse of carpet underneath the sofa one more time hoping the stuffed animal would magically appear. It didn't. Slowly she ducked out from under the sofa and raised her head to look at the infant who was watching her so hopefully. Noah had been asking for the toy since he woke up and had tried to look for it himself, which led to the cushions from the sofa being thrown on the floor as he lifted them to check under them. She shook her head slowly, trying not to wince when his lower lip started to quiver. He loved the toy.
"'Ind buhnee?" He asked hopefully.
Sometimes Olivia could substitute the bunny with the football but he didn't appreciate her attempts to distract him this morning. "I'm sorry Noah, I can't find bunny," she told him gently.
His lower lip jutted out a little but he didn't cry. "Buh'nee gone," Noah gave a little shrug while holding his hands out, disappointed. He glanced around, still expecting to see it.
Olivia straightened her body, still on her knees she rested her forearms on the sofa either side of him. He looked back at her with his big blue eyes, like she could produce the bunny from thin air. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, inhaling his scent.
"I love you Noah," she said in to his downy hair. She'd said this to him a lot, but she never expected him to say it back.
"Love 'oo Mama," he said pressing a sloppy open mouthed kiss to her cheek.
Overcome with emotion, Olivia wrapped her arms around him and held him close. As he snuggled into her she tried to think of where the bunny could be. She had looked all over the apartment. Looked under furniture, down the back of furniture, there was no sign of the bunny. He had it at the park and the zoo. She remembered him holding it in Elliot's car…Elliot's car.
She bit back the groan which threatened to escape. The night before her former partner had left shortly after Noah had woken up, claiming he needed to get Eli into his own bed. Olivia hadn't questioned his dubious reason, equally relieved to be free of the conversation which was becoming too honest for her to deal with. Neither of them had said anything about seeing each other again but there was a moment when he stood in her open doorway and Olivia was sure Elliot was going to ask. She shivered slightly as she thought of the look he had pinned her with, eyes full of empathy, yearning and remorse. He opened his mouth to speak but his words died on his lips as he hesitated and closed his mouth again.
She remembered how Eli had wrapped his arms around her and smiled tiredly as he thanked her for inviting them to the zoo. It felt horrible to say goodbye to them, but Olivia had no idea what to do or say. Maybe everything that needed saying had been said. They couldn't go back and change the past, and she had no idea how to move on from here.
Noah wriggled against her and moved out of her arms. She pulled back from him, giving him the space to manoeuvre. "Buhnee?" He questioned again, hopeful that she somehow found the toy in the last minute.
Olivia sighed again, wishing he could understand that he couldn't have it straight away. "Not yet Noah, gone."
"Oh no," he replied sadly. She kissed his forehead quickly as he brushed past her to climb down off of the sofa and started crawling around the floor to look for his constant companion. "Buhnee," he called quietly, not quite ready to give up the search.
Olivia lifted herself off the floor and sat down in the spot which Noah had just gotten down from. Reaching for her phone, she didn't think to wonder whether it was too early to ring him. She knew he would be awake. Finding Elliot's number she pressed the connect button before she could second guess herself. She listened to the phone ring once, twice, and he answered on the third.
"Stabler," he said gruffly in to the receiver, his voice full of sleep.
Olivia heard the rustle of his sheets and she winced as she realised she had woken him. "Hi," she said quietly into the phone. She heard the sound stop as he registered who was talking to him.
"Hi," Elliot said, suddenly more alert than he was a second ago.
"I'm sorry to wake you so early," Olivia offered. She watched Noah turn his head to the coffee table and she moved swiftly moved to scoop him up before he tried to crawl under it. Noah grumbled his protest but Olivia held him firmly on her lap, the phone pressed between her ear and her shoulder as she reached for his ball to try to distract him. Thankfully he accepted it this time.
"No it's okay, my alarm's about to go off," he reassured her. She could hear the surprise in his voice. "I just didn't think I would hear from you," Elliot prompted gently.
"Me neither," Olivia admitted. The words came out gentler than she thought they would. "Noah has lost bunny," she explained, suddenly embarrassed.
"It's in my car," Elliot said. Olivia heard the smile in his voice, knowing she was embarrassed. "Along with your sweater," he added teasingly.
Her head tilted back and her eyes trained on the ceiling as she fought the humiliation. "Right, um can I pick them up from you at some point today?"
There was a pause on the other end and she considered asking where he brought the toy so she could get a new one without having to see him. Screw the sweater, even though it was one of her favourites.
"Uh I'm actually out of my office today, but I could bring them to the house at lunch time, we could-"
"I've got a few meetings," Olivia told him hastily, not wanting him to finish his sentence. The children acted as a buffer between them yesterday, and that ended in disaster. Without them today… "But you could leave them with Fin," she said quickly.
She wasn't lying about the meetings; she did have to meet with the Chief of Detectives. Only it was after lunch.
"Oh, okay."
Olivia shook her head when she heard the dejection in his voice. Her eyes snapped to the front door when she heard the metallic sound of a key being slid into the lock and the mechanism clicked as it turned, opening to reveal Lucy. She smiled at Olivia and Noah, giving them a small wave as she took off her bag and coat.
"Elliot I've got to go, my sitter just got hear. I'll talk to you soon," she said in a rush and didn't wait for him to say anything before she hung up quickly. "Hi Lucy," Olivia greeted as she stood.
"Hi," Lucy replied. She tiggled Noah's stomach, causing him to squirm and giggle. "Happy birthday little man. How did it go?" Lucy asked Olivia.
Olivia held her breath for a beat longer than necessary, pausing over the right words. "It was nice, we went to the zoo and saw the monkeys." Noah's head snapped up when he heard the word and he started doing his version of Eli's impression. "That's right Noah, monkeys," she told him with a laugh, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Um, he may not be that happy today. We've misplaced B-U-N-N-Y," Olivia spelled out to Lucy.
Lucy's eyes went wide and instantly Olivia's guilt deepened. Lucy was the only other person who realised how attached Noah was to the stuffed animal. "Oh no," Lucy said with a grimace.
"We left it in my," the words jumbled in her mouth. "Friend's car. I'm getting it back later today, but for now he's going to need distracting. I'm sorry."
Lucy brightened. "Don't worry. I'm sure we can find something to do."
"Thanks," Olivia checked her watch. "I've got to go, he's had breakfast and his bottle. I'll see you both later." She placed Noah into Lucy's outstretched arms. "Goodbye Noah," Olivia told him.
His hand started opening and closing. "Bye Mama," he said leaning his head towards her for her to kiss him, which she dutifully did.
Twenty minutes later, Olivia was walking through the halls of the precinct. She didn't like the new building, it was too clinical. Sure everything worked properly but she there were times when she missed the old station house. It had more character, and was oddly more comforting. She saw Fin already in the squad room, making himself a coffee. He gave her a welcoming smile and held up her cup to her asking her silently if she wanted a cup. She gave him a quick nod. She would have to warn him about Elliot stopping by, but had no idea what to say.
He finished pouring the bitter liquid into the cups by the time she reached him. He was just adding the sugar and milk to hers when she leant against the counter, contemplating him as her hand tapped absentmindedly on the work top. Fin's eyes snapped to the nervous gesture then shot to her face, accessing the worried look there. He frowned, but it was covered quickly. He wouldn't ask, not outright anyway. That's what she loved about Fin, he respected her boundaries. He knew how to approach her without pushing her, which was probably why she opened up to him about things she didn't tell anyone else. She knew she could tell Fin and he wouldn't judge, and he wouldn't breathe a word to another person.
"Good day off?" Fin asked. By the lilt in his voice she could hear the real question 'What's wrong?'
"It was fun," Olivia replied with another quick nod. She slid her hand through the handle, curling her fingers around the cup, warming them gently against the hot side. "Um, how was it here?"
His brow twitched at the change of subject but he didn't say anything. His lips drew a thin line as he casually looked over his shoulder at the almost deserted squad room, with only a few uniforms milling about from the night shift.
"It's been okay. Caught a few quick cases but they were open and shut," Fin replied, keeping his voice steady, and willing to go along with whatever direction she wanted to take this conversation in.
He returned his gaze to her, studying her for a long moment and she wondered when he was going to call her on what was obviously making her nervous.
"How was the zoo?" He asked gently.
Olivia rolled her eyes. She knew Fin knew something had happened. He just didn't know what. She took a deep breath. "Elliot is dropping off Noah's bunny at lunch," she said quickly watching his expression change from concern to shock and back to concern again.
He looked around the squad room again before leaning in conspiratorially. Olivia wanted to step back but the wall behind her prevented her getaway. "I thought it didn't work…"
Olivia cut him off with another nod. "It didn't," she insisted. "We bumped into each other in the park. Noah threw the ball and before he and I could get it, this kid picked it up for us," Olivia explained calmly. "It was Eli."
"Some coincidence," Fin muttered. His head tilted to side. "So how does Elliot have the bunny?"
Olivia set her jaw as she felt the blush creeping up her neck. "I asked them to go to the zoo with us and after Elliot drove us to mine and Noah must have dropped it in the car." She watched him process her reason for a long beat before adding, "It's just I have a meeting later and I asked him to leave it with you if I was out."
His eyebrow quirked at the emphasis you put on 'if', but he didn't comment. "Okay," Fin nodded.
Olivia stood there for a moment, knowing he had questions, knowing he would never ask them. She felt like she owed him an explanation but the words never came. "Thanks for the coffee," she told him, trying to silently convey that she wasn't just talking about the coffee.
He gave her a small smile and a quick nod. "I got you," Fin assured her with a quick wink, telling her understood.
With that wink the awkward moment dissipated and they moved onto their morning routine and Fin briefed her on the cases they had handled in her absence.
…..
It had just turned half twelve when Fin was hanging up the phone with Barba, who had been in court with the arraignments from the weekend. Both remanded till trial. Across the divide of their desk Fin watched Amanda take a bite of her sandwich, he glanced at the one she placed next to him only minutes before while he had been busy talking. He lifted the foil wrapped sandwich and lifted it at her in thanks and she nodded as she chewed the bite she had just taken.
Amanda's eyes shifted over Fin's shoulder and then back to him. She jutted her chin in the direction of the entrance and Fin turned to see Elliot entering holding a jumper and Noah's bunny. His chair swivelled with him as he turned away from his desk to stand.
"Hey man," Fin greeted, extending his hand for Elliot to shake it as soon as he was close enough.
Elliot free hand captured his firmly and they shook. "Fin," Elliot replied. He held up the sweater and the toy. "Liv asked me to drop these off," he looked into the open door of her office, his neck craning so he could see if she was in there.
Fin stepped between him and the office, blocking his view. "Yeah she's at a meeting," he explained. He didn't have to look at Amanda to know she was watching them with keen interest, especially after placing himself between Elliot and Olivia's office almost protectively. She knew who the toy belonged too and Fin knew his partner well enough to know she was drawing conclusions about Olivia's relationship with the stranger. She didn't know the half of it.
Fin nodded his head over his shoulder and led Elliot into Olivia's office, closing the door behind them. Elliot lifted the sweater and bunny again and Fin took them from him and placed them on Olivia's chair.
Olivia hadn't told him what had happened the day before. From the way she had bolted out of the squad room just before twelve, Fin could only assume it must have been bad for her to flee like that just to avoid seeing Elliot. Her meeting wasn't till one.
"It's not any of my business," Fin started. "But what the hell happened yesterday?"
He watched the anger flare in the other man's eyes and steadied himself for the onslaught of denial. Fin had known them both long enough to know how their relationship worked. He'd never listened to gossip, shutting it down when he could because he knew the truth and he felt for them. Olivia was his friend, like a sister to him, and though he was never close to Elliot, he respected the guy. But nobody could rattle Olivia the way Elliot could.
But the anger never came as Elliot sighed, and it drained from him. Elliot shook his head. "I have no idea," he admitted. "And you're right; this is none of your business."
There was the Elliot Stabler he knew. Bull headed and stubborn. He just lacked the ire that he once did. Fin started getting frustrated. "It is when I have to play the middle man between you two."
Elliot clenched his hands and Fin saw him struggle to control himself for a moment before he stuffed his hands in his pockets. He shook his head again. "I don't know, we met in the park, went to the zoo. The kids loved it and Noah is…" Elliot trailed off. "He's a great kid." Fin nodded and waited, obviously there was more to it than that. "I screwed up, we talked and she shot me down," Elliot explained.
"What did you expect? You've been gone for three years and lot has happened," Fin said calmly. He didn't want to raise his voice in case Amanda heard them. "You said you would walk away if Liv told you to."
"I tried," Elliot admitted. "But after yesterday, I don't think I can."
"I don't think Olivia thought you would after thirteen years," Fin accused. The anger flashed again and Elliot's jaw set. Fin straightened his back, rising to the silent challenge. He had never been the type of man to talk about his feelings and he wasn't good at showing them, neither was Elliot. But he wasn't going to back down because Elliot needed to hear this, no matter how uncomfortable it was for either of them. "You and I both know you broke her heart when you walked away from here. And don't tell me you were just partners, because I know she meant more to you than that and you meant more to her."
Elliot stood rigidly; his eyes dimmed but his gaze never wavered. He stayed silent, willing to listen to Fin.
"For eleven years I watched you two, the arguments, the comments…I ain't seen anything like it between partners. Partners would've walked away before thirteen years was up. There were a lot of times when I wanted to step in between you two. But for all the shit you two threw at each other, I saw how much you cared, how much you fought against how you really felt."
Elliot's chin dropped a fraction. Fin expected Elliot to deny his claim but he never did.
"And those feelings didn't happen overnight. Give her time," Fin urged him softly. "It took a long time for her to pick herself up again after you left. For thirteen years, she let you in. She trusted you not to walk away. And you threw that trust back in her face."
Elliot cleared his throat. "I thought it would have been better for her," he said weakly.
"It wasn't," Fin said, his anger rising. He could handle Elliot staying silent in this conversation, but it annoyed Fin when he said something which he obviously didn't believe either. "Two conversations in three years aren't going to fix it. Give her time; prove that you won't walk away again before you expect anything else from her. She's not going to let you back into her life, into Noah's, only to tear it apart. Because that little boy means more to her than you do."
Author Note – I've started the next chapter, but have no idea when it will be up. I'm working on this as and when I find the time – I didn't think this would be up till the middle of next week, but it flowed quicker than I thought. I would to know whatever comments you have, so please let me know.