References – chapter ten

'The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.'

Richard Bach

Olivia walked through the door of her apartment quietly. She heard Lucy talking to Noah trying to encourage him to play with one of his toys. Olivia shrugged out of her coat hanging it on the hook and placed her bag on the floor under it. She toed off her shoes, sighing at the relief she felt.

The carpet was soft under her feet as she padded quietly into the living room, Noah's beloved toy hidden behind her back. She had to admit it felt good to have it back, she knew Noah was going to be so excited.

Noah looked miserable and unimpressed as he stood leaning against the sofa staring at Lucy as she held the building blocks out to him as she pointed with her other hand at the structure that Lucy had started to build on the coffee table. The young woman looked exhausted and Olivia felt guilty for the hard day she had with the uncooperative child.

Lucy offered Olivia a weary smile as she saw her approach. Olivia brought her arm out from behind her back revealing the stuffed toy to Lucy. Lucy let out an exaggerated laugh in relief that the toy had been found, looking towards the ceiling as she did so.

"Hi Noah," Olivia said with a smile.

Hearing his name he turned to her solemnly. "Hi Mama," he said looking up at her. He paused as he saw the bunny in her hand, his eyes growing wide. Olivia crouched down where she stood and held it out to him, slightly beyond his reach. Immediately his arm extended as a slow smile grew on his face. "Buhnee," he said in awe.

When he couldn't quite reach Noah pushed himself away from the sofa and Olivia held her breath as he took one unsteady step towards her, sans the safety of the furniture. He paused, as if expecting to fall. Lucy's mouth opened but Olivia shook her head to stop her from speaking, not wanting anything to interrupt the moment. When Noah realised he was safe he took another step towards her and the bunny, and then another. Olivia bit the inside of her lip to try to stop the flow of tears as he finally reached her, grabbing the bunny in relief before sagging against her. Her hands caught him quickly and held him close as he squeezed his favourite toy.

Her son had just taken his first steps.

Her breathing shuddered as she tried not to cry. Her eyes met Lucy's over the top of his head and saw she was as emotional as she was. Olivia tried to memorise every detail of the moment but then Noah was moving against her, supporting himself on his own legs. He stayed in her embrace and turned to Lucy, holding the bunny for her to see.

"'Ucee, 'ook Buhnee," he told her.

"I see Bunny Noah," she said with a smile as he didn't realise the significance of the moment. She rose to her feet and approached mother and son. Her hand squeezed Olivia's shoulder in support as she leant down to give Noah a peck on the head. "Well done Noah. If you guys are okay for the night, I'll see you two tomorrow."

"We'll be fine," Olivia told her quickly. "Thank you for today, I can't imagine he was that happy."

"Let's just say I'm happy they've been reunited," Lucy said with a laugh before retrieving her things. "Bye Noah," she called to the little boy waiting till his head snapped up to look at her.

He gave her a big smile and began curling and uncurling his hand at her. "Bye 'Ucee," he said.

Lucy smiled back and gave a small wave. "Have a nice night," she said unlocking the door.

"You too, Lucy," Olivia replied. She turned her attention back to Noah when she heard the lock click into place. "Come on little man; let's get you ready for your bath."

Noah replied by holding the bunny up at her. "Buhnee," he told her as if it explained everything.

She smiled. "Okay bunny too," she assured him.

A few hours later Olivia rose from the sofa holding the slumbering toddler to her as she did so, his beloved toy still clutched tightly in his hands as he slept. He had barely let go of it. He had wanted to take it in the bath with him, but Olivia put it on the counter. He started crying for it but Olivia showed him he could see it the entire time he was in the bath. He didn't stop staring at it.

She carried him over to the cot in the corner, laying him down carefully. He automatically rolled onto his side, a soft sigh escaping. She looked down at him, watching his small chest rise and fall gently as his breathing evened out. She smiled as his lashes fluttered against his check as his eyes moved, obviously dreaming. He mumbled something that she couldn't decipher and she smiled softly wondering what he was dreaming about. Her hand ran along the side railing of the cot as she forced herself to step back and let him sleep peacefully.

Moving in to the kitchen she made herself a tea, something she hadn't done in a while. On her way back to the living room she dimmed the overhead lights and turned on the lamp on the end table beside the sofa. She curled her legs underneath her as she snuggled into the corner cushions, hugging the cup to her as she relished the few minutes of peace and quiet.

Her gaze drifted over to the cot in the corner and she once again marvelled at how much her life had changed. Through the bars she caught sight of the grey fur which had caused so much anguish today. Much like the man who had given it to Noah.

Fin hadn't mentioned what had happened when Elliot dropped off her things. He had been fine with her, though he gruffly warned her that Amanda had been in the squad room when Elliot was there. She knew both men well enough to know they wouldn't have said anything in front of Amanda, but she couldn't shake the feeling there had been a confrontation. She had felt the younger woman's eyes on her all afternoon, watching her with concern. And Olivia knew she was making her own assumptions about Olivia's relationship with the mystery man. Olivia wished it was as simple as Amanda thought it was.

After knowing him for years, Olivia had yet to figure out how a few hours in Elliot's company could send her life into such a spin. Well she knew, but was still reluctant to admit it, even to herself. Olivia lifted the cup to her lip, blowing gently before taking a sip. The liquid warmed her throat as it travelled down. There was a part of her which felt obligated to call Elliot and thank him, but that was outweighed by the part which was sick and tired of being the one to call him.

She sipped the tea again and lowered the cup to her lap. Her lips quirked into a smirk as she saw a flower swirling on top of the hot water. She lifted one finger to touch the petals and pushed it gently, watching as it disrupted the surface of the water. She allowed a snicker to escape as she remembered when he had commented on her tea.

"Is that a flower in your cup?"

She had been the one apologising at the time, offering him a truce for being in his face during their last case. Their conversation on his stoop had been about so much more than that case, and the warring couple involved, and afterwards both of them felt like the emotional baggage which plagued them for months had been lifted from their shoulders. She wished another cup of coffee, another cup of tea and breakfast would fix them now, but it wasn't that simple this time.

Her head dropped onto the top of the sofa, her eyes focusing on the lighting fixture. She didn't think she was capable of doing this again. Not after how devastated she was the last time. She still loved him, and she doubted that would change. But he had shattered her trust when he cut all contact with her, and that doubt would always be present no matter how their relationship progressed from here.

If it did.

She righted her head and sipped at the tea, hoping it would soothe her frustration. She didn't want to call him. No one else had ever made her so desperate, and she never wanted to do that again. Her eyes closed, fighting against the thoughts in her head.

On the coffee table her phone started vibrating and she released a deep sigh as she opened her eyes. She leant forward and placed her cup beside the phone. Her heart beat quickened as she checked the caller id and saw it wasn't work. Elliot.

Her thumb hovered over the connect button and she wondered whether it was a good idea to answer. She knew it was only going to complicate things further. Her thumb dropped onto the button and she lifted the device to her ear.

"Benson," she choked out.

"Hi," Elliot breathed into the phone. "I know we didn't leave things in a good place yesterday, but I need you to listen to me right now," he said firmly.

Olivia sat up a little straighter but held her tongue. She listened to him breathing into the phone, hearing the shudder and in her mind she could see him struggling to find the words to tell her whatever he wanted to tell her.

"I'm going to stop apologising for whatever I did or didn't do three years ago, because every time I do I make things worse. There is nothing that I can say which will change the past." Pause. "You keep asking what I expect from you, and I have no idea how to tell you that I want whatever will make you happy."

Olivia licked her suddenly dry lips, thankful for his request of her silence since she was at a loss for words.

"In all honesty I never expected to see you again; I understood and I respected why we said goodbye after our last conversation. But after yesterday I don't think I can walk away. I saw you smile, I heard you laugh and I watched you with your son. I knew you would be a great mother, and it's something I've always wanted for you. I'm glad you let me see it."

Tears blurred her vision and she ran the back of her free hand over her eyes to wipe them away before they fell.

"I'm a selfish prick Liv," Elliot let out a short self-depreciating laugh. "And I don't deserve a second chance. Or whatever chance I'm up to with you." There was a long pause and Olivia wondered if he was done. His breathing was loud in her ear, amplified by her own as they fell into sync with one another. "Say something Liv," he urged her.

Her tongue darted out again and ran along her lower lip quickly. It clicked against the roof of her mouth as she retracted it. "When did you start being so honest?" She blurted out with a laugh. She expected to hear an uncomfortable laugh in reply but it never came.

"When I finally realised bottling it up wasn't working anymore," he replied stoically.

"Took you long enough." This time they both laughed but it died quickly.

"Yeah," Elliot agreed.

Olivia scrunched her nose and glanced at the cot in the corner, Noah still had his hand wrapped tightly around the bunny.

"Why are you doing this? Now? Just so you won't have regrets?"

Elliot let out a long sigh. "No I'll always have those," he replied. "It's like there's a huge part of me that's missing and I want it back."

"Why didn't you come back before?" She asked swallowing the lump that formed in response to his reply, wishing he would go back to their tried and tested method of avoidance. He had opened this door and he was dragging her along with him. She was terrified.

"Because I was scared you would tell me to go to hell."

"Elliot…" she whispered brokenly, pleading with him to put a stop to this for her.

"I don't expect more than you're willing to let me have Liv," he assured he quickly, recognising her plea. "I know that you've changed; I've changed Liv," Elliot pushed out. "I want to get to know you again."

"Can we just talk on the phone? Because when we're face to face it goes to hell," Olivia asked. Elliot gave a short laugh and Olivia's lips twisted into a smile.

"I don't think that'll work Liv," Elliot said as he sobered. His voice sounded more intimate than it should.

"So, what's your plan?"

"Eli made a card for Noah's birthday and I was wondering if we could bring it over next weekend, if you're not working."

And they were back to using the children as a buffer. In all of the years they had known each other, in all of the scenarios which crossed her mind; Olivia never thought she would be arranging a play date with Elliot. While the honesty they exchanged over the phone scared her, the thought of reverting back to denial petrified her. She wondered how long it would take for them to start hiding from one another again. How long before they started to expect more from one another.

"I'm not working," she replied. She waited a beat. "Thank you for bringing the bunny back today. Noah hasn't let it go since he got it back."

"He missed his friend, huh? I know the feeling," Elliot tried to joke but neither of them laughed.

"Yeah," she said awkwardly. Her teeth worried her lower lip, wondering if she should share with him the milestone Noah had reached today. But she wanted, needed, to tell someone and it seemed fitting for it to be Elliot. "Noah took his first steps today."

Author Note – I know this was so quick after the last one, but I had some unexpected free time today and I really have no idea when I'll find the time to work on the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed it, let me know any thoughts…