Author note – Thank you to all of you who commented on the last chapter and for keeping with the story. I know it's been a while, but I hope you enjoy. Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think.
References – chapter eleven
'Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.' – Pema Chodron
Olivia watched as Eli held Noah's hand and walked with him around Elliot's living room. Noah looked up at the older boy with a huge smile, his eyes sparkling with laughter. Eli's free arm was hovering a small distance away from Noah protectively, ready to catch him if he fell.
Eli was gentle and patient with the toddler, who was growing more and more confident with his walking. She was surprised by the boy and the how much he enjoyed spending time with Noah. Olivia thought he might get bored playing with a younger child who couldn't play older games but he never did, Eli was delighted when he could teach Noah something new. Like he had earlier, by building a ramp for his toy cars and they took turns in rolling them down it, both of them making 'vroom, vroom' noises.
Olivia sat at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around the cup Elliot had placed in front of her a few minutes ago, the warmth heating her cold fingers. In the centre of the table sat Noah's bunny. He sat beside her, his chair angled away from the table so he also faced the children. The pride he felt for his son clearly evident in his expression.
For the past month her days off were spent with the three of them in the park. Even Noah had caught onto the pattern. When Lucy didn't arrive after he ate his breakfast Noah would turn to Olivia and say "Li".
Li. That was his name for Eli. And the older boy didn't correct him either. As the baby of his family, he relished that someone looked up to him.
Olivia snuck a glance at Elliot. Noah couldn't get the hang of Elliot so he was named 'Lot'. The title of uncle didn't come before the name either. Not like Fin, Nick or Munch. Olivia hadn't bestowed that title on him, and she couldn't figure out whether that was a good sign or not. Maybe she was unintentionally punishing him for not being in her life for so long or maybe she providing herself and Noah a level of detachment because she didn't know how long he was going to stay in their lives now. Maybe it was because she had on more than one occasion entertained the well-guarded but shattered fantasy that he would have been more than an uncle to her child.
She exhaled softly as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, studying him as he sat hunched over, elbows resting on his knees as he cradled his own cup. He didn't turn to her, didn't react. But by the slight tightening of his jaw she knew Elliot was aware of her scrutiny.
Maybe that was what bothered her so much about spending time with him, because as the weeks passed she became increasingly agitated at the silence between them. He was too compliant; he didn't push her and accepted her reluctance to talk. He was too calm, too quiet. Olivia missed the Elliot who challenged her. She wondered which atmosphere she preferred for Noah and Eli. She didn't want them to hear any arguments but she wasn't sure she wanted them in this limbo either.
This had been his idea, she thought to herself. While Olivia was pleased Noah had another child to play with, one who she had seen into the world and felt a connection too. She adored Eli, he reminded her of Elliot's playful side. Olivia wondered if other play dates would be as stifling as this if it were any other set of parents.
The rain beat down on the kitchen window, the pitter patter of the rain growing rougher by the hour, the weather reports predicted thunder storms later on in the evening. He had rung her early this morning, asking her to come to his place instead of the park because of the weather. She thought about saying no, and almost did. But there was a soft edge to his voice, the one that pleaded with her not to break their arrangement, and the one which urged her not to run after one set back. But nearly two hours ago, Olivia put Noah in his car seat and drove them over to Elliot's apartment.
She was on a play date with Elliot Stabler.
Olivia never thought her relationship with Elliot would ever turn out like this. They had turned into those people who didn't know one another, who only spent time with one another because their children were friends. One of her hands let go of the cup and she lifted it to cover the smile that was threatening to turn into a laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
Elliot caught the movement and turned to her, his chin brushing his shoulder as he did so. "What?" He asked gently.
Olivia shook her head for fear her laughter would escape if she opened her mouth. She couldn't comprehend why she found the heart breaking thought so amusing. But she knew he would. He would. Her eyes flashed to his and he was staring back at her, genuine curiosity and the beginnings of wry smile which started in his eyes before his lips started curving up.
Her hand dropped back to the cup, tapping the side with her fingertips and she allowed her smile to blossom and the teetering laughter slipped away. Laughter averted, she cleared her throat as she sobered slightly. "We're on a play date," Olivia explained to him with a bewildered smile.
Unlike her, Elliot allowed his chuckle to escape. It was short but it was real, genuine. He knew. He thought the same as her. "Takes some getting used to, huh?"
Olivia nodded letting out a breath which was half way between a huff and a laugh before the smile turned into a grin. She allowed herself a moment to indulge in the realisation that for the first time in three years their minds were thinking the same thing. "Yeah," she agreed.
Their smiles held for a moment before they became awkward and they looked away at the sudden embarrassment, Elliot back to the boys, Olivia focusing on her cup fleetingly before checking on Noah. They were now kneeling on the floor and Eli was tidying up from their playing while Noah was trying to 'help' by taking things out of the box. Eli shook his head with a laugh and told Noah that they were tidying not playing. Once the toys were back in the box Eli rose up on his knees, his head popping up as he looked directly at his father.
"Dad I'm hungry, is it lunch time yet?"
Elliot glanced at his watch and nodded. "Yeah, do you want a sandwich?"
"You said we can have pancakes," Eli reminded him.
"I meant for breakfast tomorrow Buddy," Elliot said gently.
"But Noah and Olivia won't be here then," Eli argued back with a pout.
Olivia curled her teeth around her lower lip. She hoped she had more will power when Noah started using that look with her. Elliot let out a sigh and looked at her over his shoulder again.
"Do you want pancakes?" He asked.
"Sounds good," Olivia agreed with an amused shrug at his obvious reluctance to make pancakes.
Elliot shook his head, his eyes twinkling with laughter. "You're no help."
"Has Dad ever made you pancakes before Olivia?" Eli asked his interest piqued.
Olivia blinked at the child. He was naturally curious, and he wasn't scared about asking the two adults about their relationship, something she had discovered when he asked Olivia to tell him her version of the day he was born. There was a fearlessness about him which reminded her so much of Elliot when they worked together. He was seemingly oblivious to the startled, awkward glance the adults snuck as they found the words to answer to his questions. His innocent view of the world meant he had no idea the emotional ramifications his inquiries evoked.
"Uh, no," Olivia found her voice first, clearing her throat at the sudden lump. "He's bought them for me before, but he's never made them," she told Eli, glancing once again at Elliot.
She could swear she saw the pink blush travelling up his neck as he returned his attention on the children. She felt the flush in her cheeks; for some reason whenever she imagined him making them wearing he was wearing nothing but pyjama bottoms. Olivia gave her head a slight shake to clear the intimate image from her head.
"His banana chocolate chip ones are the best," Eli stated confidently, ignoring the shift between the adults. "Do you want pancakes Noah?" He asked the little boy who had been looking between the others during their conversation.
Noah looked at Olivia, confused by the question.
"He's never had pancakes before," Olivia explained to Eli and Elliot. "He doesn't know what they are."
Eli's eye grew wide with disbelief. "Dad, we really gotta have pancakes now," he exclaimed pleadingly.
"Okay, okay, we'll make pancakes," Elliot said. He placed his cup on the table and stood. "Noah, do you want to help make pancakes?"
Noah just looked back at him, confused by what Elliot was asking him. He looked over at Olivia again, as if hoping she could explain what Elliot was trying to tell him. She gave him an encouraging nod. He still didn't look impressed and shrugged at Elliot.
"Yay," Eli said enthusiastically. "Come on Noah, we're gonna make pancakes."
Eli was on his feet quickly and Noah still looked unsure. Following Eli's movements the toddler grabbed the edge of the sofa hesitantly; he was cautiously focused on Elliot as he pulled himself up. Olivia watched Elliot crouch down to Noah's level. She held her breath as Elliot made his body language as open as possible to encourage her son. Noah stood looking at Elliot unwilling to move forward while he was in the way.
"Do you want to help me and Eli?" Elliot asked gently as he extended a hand to Noah.
Noah didn't move to take the proffered hand. Olivia exhaled softly, the self-blame setting in. Noah wasn't as forthcoming with Elliot as he was with Eli. He didn't shy away from Elliot, but he never approached him of his own accord. Olivia knew it was because he was picking up on her vibes, her hesitation and the detached approach she was taking with Elliot. A beat passed and Noah lifted his head in Olivia's direction, his eyes widened from his uncertainty.
She smiled at him reassuringly and rose from her chair. She looked at Eli and nodded her head towards Elliot, silently telling him she would bring Noah. Elliot rose to his full height as Olivia approached.
Noah looked relieved that Olivia was nearer and he pushed away from the sofa. He held his arms out to her as he brushed past Elliot's leg to get to her. She bent at the waist and her hands went under his arms to pick him up. Once he was safely balanced on her hip, Noah tried to get as close as possible, snuggling his head into the crook of her neck.
Olivia met Elliot's gaze over Noah's head. He looked disheartened and she knew he wanted to find some connection with Noah, something that would make Noah want to come to him. But he knew it wasn't that easy. His eyes lingered on them and Olivia had to look away from him, trying to convince herself she didn't see the longing which was buried within the disappointed expression.
Noah wriggled and Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of his head to calm him. She followed Elliot as he made his way over to Eli, who was washing his hands. After their hands were dry Elliot grabbed a bowl and a whisk as well as the ingredients from the fridge and cupboard. Eli dragged a small stool over to where Elliot placed the bowl on the counter and stepped on it to see.
Olivia stood in the corner of the kitchen holding Noah so he could watch. His head lifted a little, curious to see what Elliot was doing. One thing Olivia relished in was seeing Elliot interact with Eli. He was so relaxed and care free. It didn't seem forced, or new. It was natural. Olivia knew that was what scared him most about his relationship with his older children, that he had missed too much of their childhood for them to have a relationship now. Their time together over the past few weeks had proved Elliot wasn't missing out on that with Eli.
Elliot measured out the ingredients and let Eli tip them into the bowl. Once done, Elliot snagged three bananas from the fruit bowl. He peeled them and mashed two, while the third he cut in half and gave one part to Eli and the other he held out to Noah.
"Here you go Noah," Elliot said.
Noah straightened in Olivia's arms effectively putting more distance between himself and Elliot. His head tilted as he contemplated the piece of fruit which was being offered to him.
"Say 'ta' Noah, you like banana," Olivia prompted him.
"Ta," Noah said reaching out and took the banana from Elliot, turning it in his hand to examine it before he took a tentative bite from it. "Hmm," he hummed appreciatively while chewing it.
Elliot's lips curved into half a smile at Noah. Olivia caught his eyes, hoping he could see the apology there. He did but Elliot shook his head silently telling her it was okay, he understood. While she knew Elliot accepted her hands off approach, she wished he wouldn't. Her frustration crept up a notch. She was holding back and he was letting her. She wanted space, but she wished he would at least fight her on it, to show her the Elliot she once knew was still in there and hadn't been completely replaced by the docile one in front of her.
"Dad, can Noah and me stir the pancake mix?" Eli said as he swallowed the rest of his bit of banana.
"Yeah," Elliot said breaking eye contact with Olivia. "I'll start it off and you two can finish it."
Elliot picked up the whisk and mixed the ingredients together before adding the mashed banana. Olivia followed the movement of his arm, his muscles flexing as he rotated it to mix them together so it was easier for Eli and Noah to mix. Once it was to the consistency he wanted, Elliot looked at Noah. Knowing the toddler was still reluctant around him, he handed the whisk to Eli to show Noah what to do.
Eli stirred the batter a few times before raising the whisk, allowing the mix to fall off and create patterns as it flowed back into the bowl. Olivia tightened her hold on Noah as he craned his neck to see into the bowl.
"Is Noah going to stir the mix Dad?" Eli asked dropping the whisk into the bowl with a loud plop.
"If he wants to," Elliot said as he lifted the bowl off the counter and presented to the little boy in Olivia's arms.
Olivia shifted Noah slightly, holding him with one arm as she took hold of the whisk as Elliot held the bowl securely in front of her with both of his hands. She whirled the whisk around carefully and Noah's interest was captivated by the movement. Olivia rested the whisk against the rim of the bowl and took hold of Noah's hand to place it under hers on the handle of the whisk.
Noah's head swivelled to look at her for encouragement and she curled her hand over his tiny fist and moved it and the whisk. Noah's eyes widened as he saw the mixture move and a big smile grew on his face. Olivia felt his hand grasp the handle tightly and began to move his own arm rather than let her move it for him. She relaxed her grip on his hand, guiding him gently.
"He likes it," Eli said as he watched from beside his father.
"Yeah he does," Olivia agreed, pressing a kiss to Noah's forehead. Her eyes met Elliot's again, this time she allowed herself to see the adoration that was clearly present in his expression. There was none of the usual guilt, no apprehension. Her face warmed but she didn't look away. She missed that look. As much as they ignored these looks in the past, denied the connection they had, she found herself held in place by it.
Unfortunately that's when Noah decided to grab the handle of the whisk with his other hand and Olivia quickly removed her hand from the whisk to grab his waist as he lunged towards the bowl. He stirred the mix but with Olivia's hand dislodged he flicked some of the batter up and it hit Elliot in the mouth.
Olivia looked to Eli, whose eyes were wide with glee, and then to Noah, whose arm had stilled as his mouth formed a perfect 'o'. Finally back she turned back to Elliot, who to her amazement started laughing. Both children joined him and Noah released the whisk and rested back against Olivia, more content than he was.
"Nice shot Noah," Elliot said placing the bowl back on the counter and grabbing the kitchen towel to wipe his mouth clean and then another bit to wipe the excess off of his shirt. "At least I know it tastes good."
Olivia let out a chuckle, feeling much more relaxed than she had. She felt the residual tension leave her body as she watched Elliot pour the batter into a jug and heated the pan on the stove. Elliot poured the batter into the pan. He opened the pack of chocolate chips and tipped them into a small bowl and held them out to Eli. "You can make the faces Buddy," Elliot directed him.
Eli dipped his hand into the bowl and picked out some of the chips and proceeded to drop them over the pan to create faces in the pools of batter. Soon they were sat back at the table; Elliot sat on one side, Eli the other as Noah perched on Olivia's lap as she cut his pancake into fingers for him to pick up with his hands.
Noah watched Eli stab a piece of pancake with his fork and eat it happily before reaching out to pick up a stick of the pancake to take a huge bite. "Hmm," he mumbled as he took another bite.
"Slow down Noah," Olivia said. "Do you like them?" Noah nodded as he swallowed the pancake. "Thanks for lunch, they look good," Olivia said to Elliot.
"You sound surprised," Elliot replied.
"I am," Olivia admitted. She speared her own pancake with her fork. "I never imagined…" she trailed off.
Elliot's eyes softened and nodded. "Well, I didn't before I left the job," he admitted. "And it's probably the only thing I can make. Everything else I burn."
Olivia smiled at the tiny bit of information about his new life. In response she popped the triangle of pancake into her mouth. "They're good," she told him.
…
Hours later they lounged on Elliot's sofa, the credits from Disney's version of The Jungle Book were rolling on the television screen. Olivia's head lulled sleepily against the cushion of Elliot's sofa. Noah was cradled against her protectively, fast asleep under the blanket Elliot had draped across them while watching the movie.
Eli's head lay flat on the cushion he dragged on to the carpet when he had laid down there to watch the film. He soft snoring barely audible over the music from the television. In her peripheral vision Olivia saw Elliot lift the remote and turn the television off.
Outside the storm still raged and in the distance Olivia heard the thunder rumbling. At some point Elliot had turned on the lamp beside him, the murky weather making it seem later than it was. Olivia rolled her head to the side to look at Elliot only to find him studying her as he mirrored her position on the other side of the sofa.
The guilt had returned, only this time there was no hesitation. He knew, she realised. He had always known how to read her. His eyes softened and she knew he was going to say it for her. Save her from saying it.
"You don't want to do this anymore," he stated gently, sorrowfully. There was no question in his voice.
Olivia sighed, trying not to disrupt Noah's slumber. "It's not that," she told him quietly. "I never thought this would be easy, but I thought it would be easier." She waited a beat as that thought sank into both their heads. "Why aren't you fighting back at me?" She asked him.
"We've been doing this for over a month, and I'm following your lead here Liv," he bit out, stressing her name. "I'm not saying anything because you're not talking to me."
"Why is it up to me?" Olivia asked, trying to control her voice so not to disturb the children.
"Because I'm scared that every time I open my mouth to say something, you're gonna realise you made a mistake by agreeing to this." Elliot looked away then, pushing himself back and up, straightening his back. Olivia blinked as she watched him.
"I didn't make a mistake Elliot," she told him.
"You asked me what I want from you," Elliot replied still looking away from her, his voice distant but full of emotion. "But what I want to know is what you want from me."
His turned to face her then, pinning her with his emphatic stare. Her mouth opened but her breath caught in her throat. She had no idea how to answer him, not without causing an argument and she didn't want that with the children present. Elliot looked defeated as the silence prevailed.
They were dragged out of their deadlock stare as Noah shifted against Olivia's chest, babbling softly but he remained asleep. Elliot tilted his head to look at him, smiling wistfully.
"He's so much like you Liv," Elliot said studying Noah. Olivia dropped her chin to gaze down at her son. "He's headstrong and cautious all at the same time," Elliot chuckled lightly. "Good aim too, I'll give him that."
Olivia smiled but it wasn't a happy one. "Yeah, sorry about that," she replied.
Elliot shook his head. "Don't worry. The first time I made pancakes with Eli, he knocked the whole bowl over me." Olivia laughed gently at the image. "I miss that," Elliot said gravely.
Olivia frowned. "What?"
"Your laugh." It was Elliot's turn to sigh when Olivia kept her attention on Noah. "I love spending time with the kids, you know that. But I want to spend time with you too, get to know you again. You may not be ready to hear it but that's my answer to your question."
Olivia leant forward and pressed her lips to Noah's head, resting them there. She missed Elliot. This was new territory for them, and this time without the protection of regulations.
"I miss talking to you," Olivia admitted, speaking into Noah's hair. "That's all I wanted to do when you first left, I thought if I heard your voice everything would all be okay."
"I want to say the right thing, but I don't know what that is," Elliot replied.
"I don't want an apology," Olivia stated calmly. "You were right, I don't want to hear that."
"But you're not sure if you want more than that either."
Olivia raised her head. If it were anyone else she would have railed at them for putting words in her mouth. But he was right. He knew her better than anyone else and that's what she was holding herself back from.
Maybe it was time to hold on to it instead.
'You will never lose anything by loving but you will always lose by holding back.' – Unknown