Author Note – Thanks to everyone who is still following the story. I'm glad you're still enjoying it. I'm trying something different for this chapter and I'm going to be switching between Elliot's and Olivia's perspective, each change will be highlighted by a line divide. For the Guest who asked what 'ta' meant, it means thank you. In my family we've always taught it to babies when they start to talk so they get used to saying it. If you have a few minutes to spare, please let me know any thoughts you have.

References – chapter twelve

"I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there."
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Olivia carefully laid Noah in the centre of Elliot's bed, covering him with his plush blue blanket as he rolled onto his side to his preferred sleeping position. She grabbed pillows from the head of the table and placed them around him to stop him from rolling off the bed. Once she was happy with arrangement she perched on the edge and watched him for a moment, wishing she could find the peace that her son did so easily. Unable to resist, she leant down to place a small kiss on his forehead.

"Good night Noah," Olivia whispered as she straightened herself.

She smiled softly as he wriggled his head to snuggle into Elliot's comforter. She placed the stuffed bunny next to him, so that he could reach it when he woke up, hoping it may alleviate the initial fear caused by waking in unfamiliar surroundings. It was with that thought that Olivia allowed herself to look up and around Elliot's bedroom.

Even in the dim light which was being cast by the lamp on the bedside table, she could see it was tidy except for the batter splattered shirt which had been discarded on the chair in the corner. It was masculine, minimal but comfortable. There were photos of his children on the dresser which sat against the wall opposite the end of the bed; a few she recognised but there were others which had obviously been taken in the last few years.

Rain battered against the window causing Olivia look at it. Through the half slanted slats of the blind she could see the rain running down the window, fresh drops hitting it every few seconds, blurring the night view of the city. It was late and the storm hadn't let up yet, it had only gotten worse. Even though it was a relatively short journey to her apartment Olivia didn't want to be out driving in it with Noah, which was why she had taken Elliot up on his invitation to stay, offering his bed so Noah could rest more peacefully.

She heard the low noise of the television from the living room through the open door way. She could also hear Elliot talking to Eli as he tucked him into bed. She smiled when she heard the boy laugh followed by the low rumble of his fathers' chuckle.

Noah stretched slightly and for a second Olivia thought he was going to wake up but then his body sagged and relaxed. Olivia smiled sweetly at her son's movements and lifted a hand to stroke his head reassuringly. His head moved into her hand, chasing the contact but he remained asleep.

A shadow filled the doorway and Olivia looked up to see Elliot standing there watching them, his arms crossed over his chest as he leant against the frame. She looked back to Noah as he moved under away from her hand, his body curling in on itself slightly. She stayed in that position, using the moment to reign in her emotions.

"But you're not sure if you want more than that either."

They had barely spoken since Elliot's statement a few hours ago. Noah had chosen that moment to stir against her chest, her reply lost as they refocused on the children. In the interlude she had time to rethink her response, and now she wasn't sure if she was ready to say it. Now the children were tucked into bed there would be no avoiding each other, no interruptions.

Breathing in Olivia raised her head to look at Elliot, finding his gaze still on them. His expression was blank, neutral and Olivia couldn't get a proper read on him as the light from the hall caused a shadow to cast across his face.

"Is he okay?" Elliot asked his voice low and gravely as he nodded at Noah.

Olivia resisted the urge to check on Noah again, instead she held Elliot's gaze. "He's fine," she replied gently. "Thanks for letting me lay him down in here." Elliot nodded but his stare didn't waiver. She wanted to know what he was thinking, wanted to know why he was staring at them like that. He looked like he was going to say something, his bottom lip dropping a fraction before it shut again as if he thought better of it. "What?" She asked softly.

That broke the spell of his reverie. "Nothing," he sighed. One hand waved in her direction. "I was just thinking this should have happened for you a long time ago."

Olivia bobbed her head with difficulty. "Like you said 'we can't change the past'," she replied.

"They were wrong to turn you down back then," Elliot pushed out and she could hear the underlying anger at the people who denied her the chance to adopt all those years ago.

Olivia shook her head. "Maybe, maybe not, but they had a point," she whispered. "There are times when I think that they were right. It's hard when I'm called to a scene in the middle of the night. Fin, Nick and Amanda are doing their best to make sure that doesn't happen but they have to call me sometimes. And it makes me feel like I'm letting them down because they're covering for me and then I think I'm letting Noah down because I'm working long hours and I can't be with him as much as I should."

Elliot stayed silent, listening to what she had to say and she was grateful for it. In the few months Noah had been placed with her, she had been plagued by the thoughts that she wasn't doing a good enough job with Noah. He would understand how she felt.

"It's hard when I miss out on a milestone. Lucy records them for me but it's different watching it on a screen than being there in person and I try not to think about if I had walked in a few minutes later I would never have seen him take his first steps."

"It's hard to find a balance," Elliot said, looking down at the floor briefly. "There's nothing I can say that's gonna stop you from thinking that, I wish there was but thinking that is a sign that you're a good parent, wishing there was more you could do. You're always gonna second guess whether you're doing the right thing."

"That's not reassuring me," Olivia told him sadly.

"But it's the truth," Elliot replied with a soft exhale. "Noah doesn't know the difference Liv," he stated more confidently.

"What about when he's older? When he thinks that my job is more important than him?"

"There are going to be times when he's resentful, but he will always know you love him. Don't forget that." He's speaking from experience, and imploring her to trust in what he's saying. "We can't change the past, but we can't predict the future either. You don't know what's going to happen between now and then."

Something inside of her clicked and she pushed off of the bed, brushing past him as she walked out of the room. She made her way down the hall all too aware of his footsteps following her. She was already pacing the living room when he entered behind her.

"Liv?" Elliot asked carefully.

One hand rested on her hip and the other lifted to cover her mouth, her fingers drumming on her lips angrily. "I just…" she trails off, her pacing stops but she doesn't turn to face him. "I don't understand why you're being this supportive." Pause. "Now."

"I've always wanted this for you," Elliot insisted. "I know how much this means to you."

"You were never this supportive with Calvin," Olivia prodded, exhaling harshly. Finally she turns just in time to see him shake his head defiantly.

"That situation was completely different," he said. His hands held onto his hips but he stood his ground. "It was only supposed to be temporary and I could see how fast you were falling for the fantasy. I could see how it was gonna end and I didn't want you to get your heart broken, but that was beyond our control."

Elliot sighed. "Calvin loved you Liv, and he won't forget that you saved him. But he wasn't your son," his eyes narrowed. "Noah is. Liv, nothing is gonna change that."

"Really?" she asked, sniffling slightly. "Because it feels like they can take him away at any moment. I don't have any support outside of Fin, Nick and Amanda, but we work together and have the same schedule. There's Lucy, but she's not-"

"You have me," Elliot said softly but his sincerity cut her off. "And Eli," he added as an afterthought when she looked at him sharply.

Olivia relaxed but she still shook her head to refute his claim. "I don't want to drag them into this, it gets too complicated."

"I'm here for you," Elliot insisted. He takes one step closer but stops when she looks at him pointedly. "I know you're scared and you're worried about not doing enough, but you're doing what you can. I want to help, let me," he said almost pleadingly.

"I'm not ready for you to be a bigger part of our lives yet Elliot," Olivia countered. She could feel the sweat on her palms and the erratic beating of her heart in her chest. He didn't want to be a part of this; she tried to convince herself, wanting to ignore the offer in his voice.

…..

She was right; now wasn't the time for him to be a bigger part of their lives. They weren't ready for that. Elliot wanted to wait till they were both aware of where they stood with one another before thinking about broaching this conversation. While they agreed to move past his abrupt departure from her life, he still had a long way to go before he earned her trust again. Noah wasn't sure around him, and for the baby to trust him Olivia would have to trust him.

It was like he was sitting on the side lines, watching the most precious thing he'd ever witnessed. He was enthralled by Olivia and Noah when he saw them together and he couldn't look away, drawn to them. Noah may not be hers biologically but that didn't make any difference, she loved him with her whole heart. Watching her love her son like that was hypnotic, mesmerising.

Olivia Benson was a mother.

Finally.

Elliot silently cursed everyone who stood in the way of that for so long, himself included. He had been selfish in his relationship to her. She knew more about him than anyone, understood him better. It had snuck up on them both, only to be thrown by the intensity which deepened as they became more aware of it. For years he had kept her at arms-length, very aware how deep their connection was, scared of the ramifications. He had been childish and jealous whenever she met anyone new, feigning innocence when anyone called them on it. That was why she tried to keep that part of her life private, because she knew if the job didn't push them away, he would, so he could keep her, even when he could never have her.

In his eyes no one would ever be good enough for her. Not even himself.

Elliot starts to clear his throat to say something, anything, but her voice cuts him off.

"You don't want to be a part of this Elliot," she told him forcefully. "You've done this five times already and you were petrified when you found out about Eli. I'm not saying you don't love him; I know that you do, more than anything. But you can't honestly tell me that you weren't caught off guard when Kathy fell pregnant with him."

Elliot straightened his back and pushed out his chest defensively as his fists clenched then unfurled. He wanted to deny her claim, tell her she was wrong. She wasn't. It wasn't just what she said, it was the way she said it. Resigned, detached. He had been completely blindsided by Eli's conception, returning to a marriage he'd almost given up on.

He sighed. He didn't want to fight with Olivia. She was only doing this to push him away, to protect herself and Noah. In the years he had been out of her life, he made himself a promise not to let her go again without telling her what she meant to him. His attempt of fulfilling that promise was causing her all kinds of confusion.

Elliot wanted nothing more than to be a part of Olivia's life with Noah and to be more than just a bystander. He wanted her to know he was going to be there for her and Noah. Elliot held his tongue because it would cause further doubt, not in his sincerity but in the future. They both needed to slow down, step back. Elliot had only been back in her life for little over a month and they had barely said anything to one another on the children's playdates. The fact still remained he had always wanted this for her no matter what his role in it was.

"You're right, it was a surprise," Elliot told her trying to keep all of the defensiveness out of his voice. "But he's my second chance at being a dad, and I'm trying to rectify with him what I didn't do with the older ones," he swallows heavily. "I know how much having your own family means to you, Liv. I guess there was part of me that thought I'd be a part of it. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you with Noah?"

"Yeah, I do," Olivia replied with a quick lip quirk to belie the anguish she tries to hide.

His mouth drops open automatically but no words come out. She watched him for years, and he kept her on the side lines all that time. He nods quickly a couple of times, swallowing the lump in his throat. He focuses on the floor, anywhere but her. Guilt sets in quickly and multiplies when coupled with his thoughts from a few moments ago. He wanted to be honest with her, but he wasn't sure whether she was ready to hear it.

"I didn't just want to be a part of it; I wanted to do this with you."

Elliot hears her sigh, but he keeps his focus on the carpet apprehensive about her reaction, verbal or otherwise. He can almost hear her shake her head. He waits for her to grab her bag and brush past him to get Noah before slamming her way out of his apartment, out of his life. But she doesn't.

Instead when the anticipation gets too much for him, Elliot looks up to see her gathering the toys the children had played with before going to bed. She is shaking her head though. But it gives him hope that she hasn't stormed out, and for the time being she doesn't intend to.

"Don't," Olivia whispered. She doesn't look at him, but her head is tilted in his direction. There's a warning in her voice and he's tired of backing down.

"I'm not asking for anything more Liv," Elliot explained. "I'm trying to talk to you, like you asked."

He had changed in the three years since he had seen Olivia. Become more cautious, learnt to control his temper, learnt to be honest. This was what was confusing her; it was too much for her. This was where she usually ran, but something was holding her in place.

Noah.

That was why he'd held his tongue, his frustration building inside of him at their weekly meetings where they barely said anything. She wasn't the only who was annoyed by it.

His words hang between them and all he can do is watch as Olivia stops picking up, staring resignedly at the sofa.

"There was a time when I wanted you to do this with me," she whispered. "But at the same time I knew we could never have that."

It's painful to hear. It's more painful when Olivia turns to face him and he can see the blank expression there. She had accepted this a long time ago, given up on him, on them. His heart breaks because he had never seen her defeated. He had no idea how someone could be headstrong but be vulnerable at the same time, confident but cautious. Not many people got to see through her façade, and he would be forever grateful that she trusted him enough to let him.

"Things are different now," Elliot tried to tell her, but he knows it's a futile gesture.

Her brow scrunches and her head tilts to the side inquisitively. "How?" She asked and he doesn't answer because he knows it's rhetorical. "Our circumstances may have changed but it still doesn't mean that we have. Our history means that we won't."

They've never really been honest with one another but Elliot has been more open with Olivia than anyone else, he's never lied to her outright but he's held the truth back. So has she. In that instant, Elliot decided that has to change.

"We haven't talked in three years Elliot, and before that we didn't really talk. We understood each other, but that doesn't mean we know each other."

"You know me better than anyone else," he argues. Olivia knew about his history, his family. And he knew about her.

"And that's still not enough," she replied defiantly.

"Maybe it's too much," he said forcefully.

She refuses to answer him just bends to pick up Noah's discarded sippy cup before brushing past him to walk into the kitchen.

He follows her, watching as she rinses the cup under the tap before bracing herself against the sink. She draws in deep shaky breaths, slightly hunched over. They stand like that for a long moment until her breaths become shallow and even out.

"There's no point thinking about this anymore. It never happened before, and it won't happen now." Olivia shakes her head. "We never would've worked."

"You want to know why? Because you meant more to me than just an affair."

…..

Maybe that's why they thought it was more than it was. Because they had never given in to temptation. Because they had never given themselves a chance.

"Do you sometimes wonder how it could have been if we let it happen once? Just to get it out of our system." She asks softly. A long pause of silence greets her and she wonders if it was too quiet for him to hear properly. But then he steps forward, stopping just outside of her personal space.

"A lot more than I should," Elliot admits, just as quietly. "I think it could have solved a whole lot of our issues back then. At least we would have known." He pauses, steps closer but not too close. "But for the last two months I've realised that would never have worked, because after kissing you, I want to kiss you again." It wasn't really a question, he was making a point.

"That wasn't a kiss, that was a goodbye."

'That's all it was,' she insisted to herself.

That night she hadn't been aiming for his lips, but he had claimed hers. A gentle pressing against her lips. She couldn't deny wanting to feel more, wanting to know more than the feel of his lips on hers, wondered how they would feel on other parts of her body. But their first and only wasn't about getting to know someone new. It was about letting go of their past, saying goodbye to it, being able to move on with their lives without that niggling regret which had plagued them.

They weren't meant to see each other again afterwards.

She feels the air around her change, the hair on her arms stands up and she feels him come closer. He stops close behind her and he doesn't reach out to touch her but she can feel his breath on the nape of her neck and she wonders if it would feel different as it caressed her lower lip. She tries to push the traitorous thought away, she needed to focus.

"So you haven't thought about?" Elliot quirks an eyebrow at her and Olivia inwardly curses herself when she looks away. He smiles knowingly. "Then why do you insist it wouldn't work?"

"Because it wouldn't. It never did before, we both ran in the opposite direction. We argued and yelled. We spent more time fighting than-"

His hand grasps her arm and spins her to face him. If it had been anyone but him they wouldn't have gotten away from it. They've argued in the past, gotten in each other's faces, but he's never touched her during the confrontations. The action surprises them both and they stand toe to toe and his face hovers close to her face, his eyes fierce. Their breathing is deep and ragged, in time with the other, regaining control of their bodies, reigning in the adrenaline coursing through them.

"We didn't try this before. And I'm not the one who ran," he tells her sharply.

"We needed time apart, Elliot. We were too close, too complicated." Her chin rises, she's not going to back down. Ever since her abduction she'd flinched inwardly during any kind of confrontation. Verbal or physical, it didn't matter which, she's held back for a second longer than she should. That pause doesn't come with Elliot. She's not afraid of him because deep down there's still that trust in her old partner that he would never hurt her.

"I told you I couldn't lose you and you walked away."

Their stare holds and it's almost like they've gone back in time, erased the eight years since that moment in the hospital. Then his eyes soften a little in surrender, but she's not ready to let it drop so quickly, her frustration of weeks, years, of silence finally snapping.

"I came back, you didn't," Olivia replied angriliy.

"I'm here now," he argued back at her.

"Not because you wanted to be, Munch came to you. I always wanted to come home from Oregon." She pauses, her eyes flick to his hand which was on her forearm. He follows her gaze and his hand drops away and he leans back. He's not saying anything. Not arguing with her claim, but she wants him to. She wants him to tell her that he always wanted to come home.

To her.

He isn't lying to her. And she won't lie to him. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never came back from Oregon."

…

He thinks about Oregon too. He thinks how their lives could have been different. He thinks of the life he wanted her to have. She could have broken away from the job and all that tethered her to it. Her mother, her father, her conception.

Him.

She could have thrived. She could have left it all behind and had the family she craved. The one he wanted her to have. The one she had now.

Elliot studies her as she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, but it falls down almost immediately and Elliot wants to slide his own fingers through the strands and push it back for her.

"Would it be better for you if I never came back?" Elliot asks, bracing himself as he waits for her answer.

….

It would have been easier for her. He made her life more complicated and made her yearn for her life before she met him. But for all of the heartache and tragedy they witnessed and dished out to each other, Olivia wouldn't trade it for anything. Because if she didn't have the nightmares she wouldn't have the memories she cherished.

"No," she replied. They're finally being honest with one another and it's too calm. She expected the confrontation, the shouting, the curling of a fist as they fought the urge to hit something. She could deal with that. She can't deal with the tranquillity which has claimed the air around them. "No matter how difficult things get with us, I want you here."

"I want to be here," Elliot breathes out.

Olivia wants to take a step back but she's blocked by the sink. He glance shifts between her eyes and her lips and she knows what he intends to do. It's too soon. She holds up her hand to stop him before he leans in.

"Don't," she says more calmly than she feels. "Don't do something you'll regret later."

Elliot's body tenses. "You think that I'll regret this?"

Olivia sighed. "I think you've done this five times and I don't think you're ready to do it for the sixth. I think you need to figure out what you really want, what's going to make you happy."

Elliot contemplates her for a beat before stepping away. "Then promise me that you'll do the same."

She returns his empathic stare, open mouthed. They're giving each other an out if they want or need it. She nods once. "I will," she promises.

"Just keep in mind I meant what I said Liv," Elliot tells her. "I want to be here."