Author Note – I'm sorry it's been so long, but other stories were plaguing my mind before I could start on this chapter. I'm going to ease us all back in with a quick chapter – I promise longer ones to come soon. If you've got the time I would love to know what you all think.

References – chapter fourteen

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
― Ambrose Redmoon

Olivia straightened her shirt over the waist band of her trousers as she looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She took in the tired lines under her eyes. She hadn't been able to get any sleep as Noah had woken seconds after the kiss she shared with Elliot, and was extremely excited that Olivia was finally home. He'd grumbled loudly when Elliot stopped him from following her into the bathroom while she showered.

Though a nap would have been better, she felt refreshed after the shower. It wasn't just the overnight call out which had exhausted her; it was trying to avoid Elliot while he was in the same room. They hadn't mentioned it, let alone made eye contact for more than a second at a time. The only time she'd had to reflect on her impulsive kiss was when she'd taken Noah into his room to change his diaper and get him ready for the day.

He'd stayed.

Olivia hadn't expected him to but he had. Noah seemed more relaxed around Elliot this morning and played with him without being encouraged. She had been captivated by the sight of them playing with Noah's building blocks. She hoped that had continued while she had been in the shower. She hadn't heard any crying since coming in here.

From the other side of the door she heard the bedroom door swing open and Noah's feet padding softly across the carpet, accompanied by his excited laugh when she heard louder steps following his. There was a bang on the bathroom door, then a giggle.

"Mama," Noah called happily. Olivia smiled at his exuberance. Then she heard a rustling and frowned when he said, "Oh."

Olivia pulled open the door to find out what was happening. Staring back at her was Noah who was now being held in Elliot's arms, he didn't look impressed at being caught.

"Mama," he sighed and held his arms out to her.

Olivia raised her eyebrows at her son. "Miss me, huh, little man?" She said as she reached for him.

"Sorry," Elliot apologised as he handed the baby over. "I turned to grab his sippy cup and he used the distraction to his advantage. Smart kid," he explained.

"Fast too," Olivia beamed. "I just finished anyway." She hefted Noah in her arms, kissing his cheek as he played with a lock of her hair. He leant into her and snuggled into the crook of her neck. She loved it when he was like this even though she knew it was a reaction to her absence.

Both adults watched an oblivious Noah for a moment before the atmosphere became awkward again. Olivia looked at Elliot pointedly, and he seemed embarrassed to realise he was blocking the doorway and stepped back. He led the way out of her bedroom. Olivia couldn't help but notice the stiff muscles in his back as he walked and felt guilty that he'd spent most of the night sitting in the armchair cradling Noah. He didn't mention it and she knew he wouldn't appreciate it if she did.

When she reached the kitchen, Olivia heard her stomach rumble appreciatively as she realised Elliot had made pancakes while she had been in the bathroom. Elliot pulled two fresh cups from the cupboard and poured coffee into both, adding the right amount of milk and sugar to hers while leaving his black.

"You didn't need to do this," Olivia said as she put Noah into his high chair, clipping the straps together to secure him. She then grabbed the bib that was on the counter and put it around Noah's neck. "I should be thanking you for staying with Noah," she told him softly. "I'm sorry he woke up."

Elliot, coffee in hand, leant against the counter and shook his head. "It was just his tooth, he settled quickly. He missed his mom though," he replied with a knowing smile at the toddler.

Olivia followed his gaze to Noah to find him trying to reach for the pancakes which were beyond his reach. She smiled indulgently and stroked his soft hair while leaning over to get the pancakes which Elliot had already cut into strips for Noah. She placed them in front of Noah and he immediately curled his fist around one to lift to his mouth. Both adults chuckled as he enthusiastically chewed his breakfast. Noah looked up, his eyes switching between them. He smiled around the cake in his mouth and held out a stick of pancake towards Elliot.

"That's yours buddy," Elliot said shaking his head. "Mama and I have our own." He walked around the counter and sat on a stool, leaving a stool in between him and Noah for Olivia.

Olivia stood still for a moment before moving to the empty stool, clearing her throat as she did so. "He seems more comfortable around you today," she said as she tucked into the pancakes. She didn't like to point it out, but Elliot knew it wasn't malicious.

"Uh, we had a chat, man to man," Elliot replied with a thoughtful gaze.

Olivia met his eyes and they stared at each other. She felt her face flush and she ducked her head. She didn't need ask what they 'talked' about; she trusted Elliot and she hoped it had sorted a few things in his head. She doubted he would ever tell her. She bobbed her head in acknowledgement. "The pancakes are good," Olivia told him instead. "What time do you have to go to work?"

He flashed a playful smirk. "Trying to get rid of me?"

Olivia knew Elliot was only partly joking. They still needed to talk, but now was not the time. "No, I still have about an hour before I have to head in and I called Lucy to tell her she didn't have to be here as early as she usually does."

"Liv, I was joking." His face softened. "I have a meeting about ten thirty, so any time before then. It's good that you've got some time with Noah before you go in."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah, I love mornings with him on my day off. I usually try to be home for bed time, when he gets cuddly and tired. He more playful in the mornings."

Elliot looked wistfully at her. "I've noticed. He's into everything."

"He is," Olivia agreed.

"Mama," Noah said breaking through the moment. Olivia turned to him and he held out a pancake finger. "Yum."

"You like pancakes, huh?" Olivia asked him and he nodded his head enthusiastically as he started to suck on the finger.

They continued to eat in comfortable silence. It felt good to eat breakfast like this. She could get used. It would be easy to forget all of the uncertainty between them. She had to remind herself they weren't a family, and she wasn't ready for them to be. Elliot may have been comfortable to look after Noah for an evening, but to have a more permanent role in Noah's life was another thing all together. Something she knew Elliot wasn't ready for.

Suddenly Olivia's appetite disappeared, she crossed her knife and fork on the plate. She rose from her chair with a word and took her plate to the sink, placing the uneaten pancakes on a separate plate. She sighed as started cleaning down the kitchen, silently grateful Elliot was tidy when he cooked.

"What's wrong Liv?" Elliot asked calmly. He had stopped eating when she did and watched as she had tensed. Her back was stiff as she began to run the water and squirted in the washing up liquid. "Liv?" He asked again, concerned when she didn't answer straight away.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," Olivia told him, pausing in her movements. She didn't turn to face him.

"Why?" His brow furrowed.

Olivia spun at the confusion in his voice. "Because we're still trying to figure this out. It was a spur of the moment thing."

"I think we should go with our impulses more often. You enjoyed it too, right?" He looked smug when he said it, a warm twinkle in his eye. He glanced at her lips and she tried to hold back her blush. She knew she hadn't succeeded when he chuckled.

"Yes, but I just don't think it's a good idea if it happened again," Olivia continued, ducking her head and he huffed, she heard his cutlery land on his plate. "It's just going to confuse everything," she argued, raising her head.

"How are we meant to figure this out if we don't try Liv?" Elliot stressed out. They stared each other down and neither wanted to back off.

"It's not fair to get used to this if we're not-"

"If we're not what?" Elliot asked, his chair scraping along the floor as he stood. "You're right, I'm not sure if I can start a family again. But I'm not the only who's holding back here. You're never going to be brave enough to let me back in. I don't know how to be work things out with you when you're scared of letting that happening."

She's already let him back in and that's the problem, and she wants him to stay, wants to have more mornings like this. She wants the family breakfast, a family to come home to. She wants a fantasy but is scared of the reality she's always known. She doesn't voice her thoughts though. She not ready, wasn't sure if she ever would be. "I don't want us to wake up one day and realise that we don't want this. It wouldn't be fair to Eli or Noah." Olivia glanced at Noah who was oblivious to the adults' tense conversation.

"If you think I could walk away after that then you don't know me at all," Elliot told her, causing her head to whip up towards him, her anger flaring at the accusation.

"No you would stay even if you were miserable." The jibe is out of her mouth before she can stop it. Her hand flies to her mouth and her eyes widen when Elliot tenses before her, his back rigid. She's hurt him, and she wants nothing more than to take it back. She can't. "Elliot," she starts. "I'm sorry…"

He waves a hand to stop her. "You know what Liv, why don't you figure it out and give me a call when you do." He then stomped out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Olivia stays rooted to the spot, staring at the door, willing Elliot to come back.

"Bye 'Lot," Noah calls forlornly, catching her attention. She feels a tear fall on her cheek as she steps over to Noah and runs a reassuring hand through his soft hair as he waves at the closed door.

"'Lot's gone Noah," she said sadly.

"Bye 'Lot," Noah repeats.

"Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it."
― C. JoyBell C.