I hope everyone enjoys this part. As always please review. I hate begging but I'm not above it:-) A big, huge, special thank you to my regular reviewers - you guys keep me posting.

FYI this story is not wildly complicated, just a story of human interaction, with a festive spin!

Thanks, Tab :-)

Chapter 3

Joey hadn't said a word. She'd looked at him for a long moment and then taken his hand and led him to the couch. They sat together and she looked at him expectantly.

'My sister, she came home from college when I was in senior year. My parents and I...we have a difficult relationship...I'm not their favourite kid, I'm probably their least favourite kid and so when Gretchen came home we got a place together out by the coast. It was pretty fun. I quickly realized why she'd come home from college...'

'She was pregnant?'

'She was pregnant. It bothered mom and dad, but it didn't bother me. When I graduated I started to work in Dawson's parent's restaurant and I lived with Gretchen. Sophie was the cutest baby ever. And in a way she was like my kid because I helped with night time feeds, I rocked her to sleep, I changed her diapers and I loved her. I adored her...' Pacey trailed off, surprised when Joey's hand gripped onto his. He squeezed it,

'I was looking after her for the day. Gretch had to go to work and as I regularly had a Monday off, she was always mine for the day. We'd do fun stuff. Go to the beach, the park, a playgroup... Fun stuff. She was three by this point and a lively little thing. She could drive us bananas but she was so affectionate and aside from her mom I was her favourite. I've never been anyone's favourite but that little girl loved me. I'd taken her to the zoo. It was a special treat for her birthday the following week. Several things happened none of which were my fault. Except it doesn't always help knowing something isn't our fault. The point is I took her to the zoo, and we were on that piece of road because of it.'

'What happened?'

'Sophie had fallen asleep in her car seat. I was driving along and this city truck, it hadn't secured its equipment, and it spilled onto the road. I avoided the scaffolding, I managed to avoid a serious crash, but the guy behind me, he was over the limit and on his phone and he didn't, his car flipped and crashed into us. Sophie was killed instantly and I...I was in a coma with a head injury and an assortment of broken bones and other stuff, but I healed.'

'Pace,' his name from her lips soothed him.

'I'm a fraud. I have a house and a restaurant and a life and that little girl doesn't. They gave Gretchen and I money, a payout - my dad he decided to sue, it's not my style and it's not Gretchen's but I was a mess for a long time. I had a lot of medical bills only some of which insurance covered. That's why my folks sued.'

'I don't see how it makes you a fraud,' Joey said gently, the feel of her hand in his hair momentarily overwhelming until he realized she was touching the scar from his head wound.

'I don't own this house through hard work. I don't have my restaurant because of hard work. I have these things because some jerk didn't secure his truck properly, because some other idiot drank at lunch and chatted on his cell. I have these things because my niece is dead.'

'You lost a lot that day, it doesn't make you a fraud to have invested money into a life that was irreparably changed because of that day.'

'I don't know,' Pacey shrugged a little. 'Dawson felt it wasn't for the best.'

'And what was it to do with Dawson?'

'I...I invested some money for Dawson once and it didn't work out. He lost the money. He wanted me to invest my payout into a movie of his. I wouldn't. I repaid what I'd lost him even though it was his risk to take, but he wanted me to be part of his dream.'

'I've noticed that Dawson wants others to share in his dream, that his dream is somehow above the dreams of others.'

'I was in a dark place Joey. I wasn't as kind as I could have been. I was angry and grieving and a mess really. He didn't like that I drank to much, slept with women and was angry.'

'Were you worried I would have judged you had Dawson told me this?' Joey asked softly and Pacey considered the question,

'I was, but that's not why I told you,' he shrugged.

'Why did you tell me?'

'Because I wanted you to know, and I wanted to be the one to tell you.'

'I'm glad you shared.'

'Me too,' Pacey looked down at his hands.

'And I don't think you're a fraud,' she wrapped both of her hands around his, 'I think you're very wonderful.'

'You do?' he looked at her and she nodded.

'You made the right decisions about what to do with that money because it was your money, money to help with what you lost, and really money doesn't help, it only eases because we're left with the scars. And it's nonsense that you haven't worked hard. Anyone can open a restaurant but it takes hard work and skill to make it a success. You work damn hard Pacey. I'm sorry you lost Sophie. I'm sorry you lost that time in your life.'

'Thank you,' Pacey wanted to hug her and so he did, pulling her body close to his and wrapping his arms right around her. It took her a couple of moments but she hugged him back just as tight.

Pacey couldn't seem to get his head on straight. He'd had to release Joey at some point that morning and get to the restaurant. Joey had turned up a few hours later to borrow his car so she could go and collect Dawson's but none of that was the problem. The problem was he couldn't stop thinking about her. Every bit of the conversation ran through his head, the feel of her hand in his hair, the feel of her hand in his, the feel of her body against his as they hugged, the feel of her arms holding him close. Her smile, her eyes, the way she bit that plump bottom lip of hers, the way she would laugh over his stupid customer stories, or get tipsy and be a total goof. His head was full of Joey Potter. Quite literally. He contemplated calling Jack, begging him to come by for dinner but he realized that it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't make Joey less beautiful even if he had company to distract him. It wouldn't make her less fun, or interesting, or less Joey. Nothing would change. It wouldn't change the fact that she was his best friend's girlfriend. It wouldn't change the fact that he was falling in love with his best friend's girlfriend.

It was at around eight that they finally pushed through the doors to his restaurant, her hand in his, her eyes sparkling at something he'd said and Pacey felt sick. Dawson looked good, his blond hair short, his clothes smart - smarter than Pacey's anyway.

'Who is that guy with your girlfriend?' Audrey, his best waitress, smirked.

'Hah,' he let out a sardonic bark of laughter, 'you know she isn't my girlfriend.'

'So why can't we have sex anymore Pacey?' Audrey gave him her best impression of a pleading kitten.

'Pacey,' Dawson was at the bar and embracing Pacey in an enthusiastic man hug. 'This place is amazing...I never imagined it like this. Or your house.'

'Well you know,' Pacey wasn't sure what to say. Dawson didn't imagine Pacey's success in terms separate from him. 'Jo,' he nodded at his roommate who was shifting from foot to foot.

'Seriously, this place is nice...very Boston.'

'Farm to table's all the rage,' Pacey was modest.

'You should read the reviews,' Joey told Dawson who smiled down at her.

'Glowing I'm sure,' he smiled. 'Shall we find our table? You and I have time to catch up tomorrow right?' Dawson smiled at Pacey but gestured with his eyes for Pacey to understand. Unfortunately Pacey did understand - only too well.

'Sure. Audrey will show you to your table. Have a nice night,' he gave Joey a quick smile and headed to the kitchen to work this new found problem out. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Falling in love wasn't on his agenda, but falling in love with Dawson's girlfriend? The worst possible person to ever fall in love with - he must be a glutton for punishment, a glutton for heartache.

'She's totally starry eyed about that boy,' Audrey stated as she brought their order to the kitchen,

'Hmmm,' he muttered stirring the sauce he was preparing.

'Hmmm,' she was clearly amused. Pacey needed a plan, and whilst it might not be the best plan, any plan was better than the utter disaster zone he was currently in,

'You want to have sex? Tonight we can have sex,' he stared at her.

'Wow Pace, way to make a girl feel special,' Audrey stood behind him and slid a hand down to cup his ass.

'I'll make you feel special,' he turned his head and pressed his lips to his throat.

'I wish that girl's boyfriend came more often,' Audrey teased as she moved to take another tables meals.

Pacey hid in the kitchen. He couldn't stop himself peeking every now and then, looking at them laugh, looking at her holding Dawson's hand, watching the way Dawson got to touch her. It was painful and so he was relieved when they stopped at the bar to say goodbye.

Despite Audrey's pointed remarks she closed up with him, shared a bottle of wine with him and then stumbled back to his house with him. He was stupidly relieved when they stumbled into the living room kissing and Joey and Dawson were in there. At least she wouldn't be suspicious. At least she wouldn't know that he really wanted her, Dawson would tell her it was normal Pacey and hopefully she wouldn't questions why it hadn't been normal since she'd arrived in his life. As Audrey pushed him from the room he did catch her eye and there was something in it, something like disappointment, and something like fear. Not that he was great at reading emotions from eyes.

Pacey woke stupidly early the following morning, especially considering his late night and the previous nights insomnia. Audrey snored in the bed beside him. She hadn't left the previous evening like he'd hoped she would, but had dared him openly to try and kick her out. He hadn't of course. He knew the real reason he was getting up early was not Audrey's snoring, or even Dawson's which he could also hear, but was because he'd heard Joey go through the shower and head downstairs. He was a total sucker apparently.

'Morning,' he said quietly. It was weird having so many other people in his part of the house.

'You have a nice night?' she gave him a pointed and slightly haughty look.

'It was great,' he matched her look.

'Well great,' her tone was clipped. 'I didn't really expect to see you so early, what with all the giggling until the early hours.'

'That keep you awake?' His tone was measured.

'It was loud,' she stated.

'Funny, but I didn't hear you at all,' he tilted his head inquisitively and she blushed,

'That's...that's... over the boundary,' she huffed, clearly irritated.

'What boundary?'

'Of roommate etiquette,' she crossed her arms.

'You were commenting about how loud my sexual partner was. I was merely congratulating you on how quiet you managed to be,' he smirked feeling a little triumphant.

'That... It's none of your business,' she pursed her lips and looked away from him.

'That's assuming you slept with him...' he wasn't sure what drove him to that particular jibe.

'Here's the line Pace,' she gestured angrily, 'and here's you,' she gestured way over the line.

'So I'm crossing boundaries and lines, I guess that makes me some kind of rebel,' he glared at her, unreasonably angry at the fact that she was Dawson's.

'Actually it makes you a jackass,' she snarled and dumped her coffee in the sink.

'Hey,' he caught her arm, 'I'm sorry,' he loved her fire but he didn't want to hurt her. She looked up at him and she looked panicked, her eyes glassy, her hands knotting together. 'Really I am,' his sincerity was blatant.

'It's...it just seems easy for you,' she began and his heart began to race, began to hope.

'What does?'

'Sex, intimacy.'

'And it's not for you?' maybe his jibe had hit a little close to home.

'I just...keep waiting...'

'You keep waiting?' he didn't understand.

'To you know...have sex...I mean I want to. I love Dawson,' she frowned and he was honestly stunned. Despite his earlier theatrics he'd thought it a given that she was sleeping with Dawson, that there were other guys before Dawson. He hated her declaration of love but he felt a niggle of hope at the overdone adamant nature of her statement, as if she were trying a little too hard to convince herself.

'Do you?' he asked and she frowned.

'I want to be normal,' she stated and glared at the counter top.

'You think you're not normal?' he was embarrassed that his voice squeaked a little.

'I'm a twenty four year old virgin. I don't think I'm normal,' she gave him a look, a lok of wretchedness, or torment and pain. He hated it.

'Just because that isn't the way most people choose to behave doesn't make you abnormal. What are you waiting for though? If you want to and you love Dawson, take that step.'

'I... I don't know Pace. I think maybe there's something wrong with me, that I just don't feel... You know...it...' there were tears in her eyes.

'What?' he frowned.

'The zing,' she blushed.

'Joey, you're a doctor, say it like it is...' he felt a little warm himself.

'I don't get turned on,' she blushed horribly red, 'I mean I do to begin with but it doesn't go...you know where it's supposed to and then it just sort of goes away.'

'You don't come,' Pacey stated and she shook her head, her eyes steadfastly locked on the wooden table. 'Have you ever...' he asked and she shook her head again. 'You haven't...touched yourself?'

'I tried but it didn't do anything,' she shrugged, 'so what's the point.'

'No guy has managed to...'

'No,' she shook her head again.

'Because they haven't tried?' he asked and she nodded. 'Dawson hasn't tried?' Pacey knew his friend would be willing to take things slow, that was Dawson's style but he couldn't imagine him keeping his hands entirely to himself, not after eight months together.

'He's touched me and...I...well...he thinks it's good for me. He knows I don't finish but I pretend to enjoy it...'

'But you don't?'

'No,' she rested her head on her arms.

'Do you find Dawson sexually attractive? Do you look at him and feel a desperation to touch him? Does the thought of his ass in your hands make your stomach swoop? Do you crave kissing him?'

'I don't know,' she looked up at him with desperate eyes, 'I mean Dawson is so nice, so lovely to look at, but he doesn't always get me. He's always saying how he knows me, how there aren't surprises. He says the sex thing doesn't bother him, that he loves me and that's great, but I want him to want me. I want him to be crazy for me. I don't feel all that desired. Sometimes I feel a bit like he pushes sex to claim me as his, and I would think I'd like that but from him...it doesn't always make me feel good.'

'That's all important but doesn't answer my question,' Pacey took her hand.

'At first it was so much fun kissing him. There was no pressure, no stress about where it would go. It was new, intimate and fun. So at first I wanted to kiss him, but I don't know...I was so willing to go all the way, I was ready, sick to death of being a virgin, sick of not enjoying what everyone else does, but the first time he touched me it hurt. I wasn't relaxed and well it didn't really get any better.'

'Maybe it's him?' Pacey suggested. 'Maybe he doesn't know how to touch a girl. How to make her feel what she's supposed to feel?'

'Nice try Pace,' she gave him a small smile, 'but this is all me.'

'Maybe and maybe not,' he curled an arm around her neck and kissed the top of her head, 'but I happen to think that sometimes the chemistry doesn't work. It doesn't mean you don't love someone, that you don't think they're attractive...it just doesn't work.'

'So why has it never worked for me, until...' she began and then her pager went off. 'I have to go,' she groaned.

'I'll drive you,' he stated but she shook her head,

'Get back to Ms Giggles Pace and have a fun day with your friend.'

'Ok,' he nodded as she literally fled for what was apparently an emergency. Pouring a second cup of coffee he headed back upstairs to his room and to Audrey.

'Hi,' Audrey gave him a searching look from where she sat in his bed.

'Coffee?' he looked at the mug and she nodded so he handed it to her,

'So I've realized that we can't sleep together any more,' she stated as he sat on the edge of the bed.

'We can't?' he frowned.

'What I mean is we shouldn't, I won't.'

'You seemed to enjoy last night?' he hedged.

'I always enjoy going to bed with you Pacey. That's not the problem. The problem is that you had sex with me because you were angry your roommate was with her boyfriend. The problem is that you went running from this room the minute you heard her leave hers. The problem is you want her and not me.'

'I'm sorry.'

'I was lying,' Audrey stated boldly, her eyes flitting to the white cotton of his duvet cover.

'I'm confused. When were you lying?'

'Yesterday when I said she was starry eyed over her boyfriend. I don't think she's as sure as he is. He thinks he's a catch, and he doesn't notice that she's not listening. She kept looking to the bar for you.'

'Really?' his heart lurched hopefully and he was unable to tone down the optimism in his voice.

'Hmmm, I think she may be conflicted,' Audrey shrugged. 'And if there's any hope for you with her, I know there's no hope for me with you.'

'I am sorry.'

'You should tell her how you feel,' Audrey suggested in a soft voice.

'But I can't do that to Dawson. He's my best friend. Going after his girl is the ultimate betrayal.'

'Well maybe she won't be his girl for long.'

'It's still wrong.'

'And he's in LA and you're here, with her.'

'Thank you Audrey,' he said after a few moments, 'You're a good friend.'

'Now this is like the old days,' Dawson murmured as he and Pacey waited for the afternoon movie to start.

'That it is.'

'So I wanted to thank you for letting Joey stay... You've really helped her settle into a new city.'

'You know,' he shrugged uncomfortable.

'I mean it Pace. This is the guy I grew up with, putting himself out for others. I appreciate it.'

'You know she's not easy to have around,' Pacey went for glib, 'she uses all the hot water, everyday. She drinks coffee like it's chocolate and eats chocolate like it's cocaine. Her hours are crazy and she's always falling asleep in various places around the house including the toilet.'

'No,' Dawson cracked up taking Pacey's speech as good natured rambling.

'You think I'm joking but I'm not. I hammered on that door and she admitted it.'

'She's amazing.'

'Whatever floats your boat man, I mean sleeping on toilets is less amazing and more a sign of some serious sleep deprivation...'

'You know what I mean,' Dawson interrupted with a grin.

'I do and yes she is amazing,' Pacey nodded. 'How are you finding the separation?'

'Would it make me sound like the worst boyfriend in the world if I admitted I was expecting a bigger reunion?' Dawson looked at Pacey.

'A bigger reunion?' Pacey played dumb.

'Things were...affectionate before she left but we were taking things slowly...it was hard, she was so busy, so I guess maybe I was expecting her to take more time, to be more into me...I thought we might take the next step. I mean sex is the logical next step.'

'You haven't slept together?' again with the fake intrigue.

'Joey's innocent, I told you. She wants to be sure, to be committed but I wasn't expecting to marry her just yet...'

'And not just to sleep with her,' Pacey added and Dawson gave sheepish smile.

'I do love her. I did wildly before she moved here but she's just so far away. We speak on the phone, but we're distant and then when I see her it's like the physical part is starting all over again. I can be patient but this is taking forever. We're not teenagers. Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship.'

'This relationship may have always been doomed. She's here for the foreseeable future and you're there.'

'But she's amazing.'

'As established,' Pacey nodded,

'I don't want to break up with her...'

'So don't, see how it goes but recognize that there might be a reason things are tough.'

'Maybe if we spoke more?' Dawson looked optimistic.

'I live with her and can go days at a time without seeing her. Believe me she tries.'

'Sometimes it's a whole week before we speak,' Dawson admitted, 'and that's hard because whilst I feel all this stuff for her, sometimes time is full and I don't notice.' Pacey thought he was an unappreciative bastard. That was probably the love talking he decided. 'Sometimes...' Dawson hesitated, 'sometimes I find other girls hard to resist. I mean you know me Pace. I've never had girls throwing themselves at me, and I've never been tempted to cheat, but sometimes it feels like we're not together at all.'

'But you haven't actually cheated?' Pacey clarified and Dawson shook his head, 'look spend tomorrow together and see how it goes.'

'I thought I'd take her to Capeside, show her the parents, the house, the creek.'

'Perfect,' Pacey smiled, hurting inside.

It was late on Sunday night. Sophie's closed at ten and Pacey had been home since ten thirty. After a shower he'd grabbed a beer and headed for the couch and the hockey match. He was tired but too het up to sleep. He kept thinking about Dawson taking Joey to Capeside about how it was going, about all that Joey had admitted to him and all Dawson had said.

Joey entered the house like a storm. The front door slammed and her feet thundered up the stairs before her door shut with a defiant click. At first he thought she might be devastated after dropping Dawson at the airport. Then he thought she might just be devastated and any thought of her being upset made his guts twist painfully. Putting his beer on the coffee table he went to the kettle and placed it on the stove, turning on the gas under it. After making a hot chocolate he climbed the stairs hesitating outside her room. After a moment he knocked. No answer. He knocked again.

'Go away,' she stated from within.

'No,' he called through the door. 'I'm coming in so you better be decent...I'm counting to three...one...' he waited, 'two...' he gave a long pause 'three...' he opened the door and peeked in. She wasn't sobbing or anything really dramatic, but it was almost worse to see her sat on her bed, her arms wrapped around her knees and tears sliding down her face.

'Joey,' he hated to see her cry, loathed it. He put the hot chocolate beside her bed and sat beside her and wrapping an arm around her pulled her close, his lips landing on her hair. 'Hey, it's ok.'

'Pacey,' she turned and buried her face in his neck, the warmth of her tears salting his skin. He couldn't answer how long he held her for but it must have been a long time because he jolted awake and the morning sun was flitting through the window as she hadn't drawn the blind. Joey was curled up into his side, her arm hugging him like a glorified teddy bear. He stared at her for a long time, looking at the fan of her lashes on her cheek, the perfect pout of her mouth, the soft dark hair that cascaded over his hand. His body ached with love. At length she stirred, her eyes fluttering, until she was pushing away from him and sitting up, her hand rubbing at her sleepy eyes. She didn't say anything but watched him and then after a beat leaned across him and drank from the now cold chocolate drink. He looked at the drink and held out his hand and she passed him the cup. He drank from it too - like heck was he going to have morning breath when she smelt like chocolate. Satisfied that he was cocoa-ed up he put the mug back beside her bed.

'How you doing?' he asked.

'I need to shower. I have to be at the hospital by nine.'

'Well it's seven, so you have time to answer me,' he stated but he could feel her pulling away. 'Jo, come on. You were crying. I hate it when you cry...'

'Because I make your shirt damp?' she asked in a low voice.

'Because it means you're sad,' he took her hand.

'Pacey,' she murmured his name almost reverentially and his heart throbbed with want, desire and need. 'It wasn't his fault. It really wasn't.'

'Just tell me what happened,' he urged.

'He thought it would be romantic, you know how he is about romance and symbolism and all of that. He took me to his house, and it was beautiful. It really was and his parents were nice, but then they went to work and I went and sat on his dock. When I went back in he took me up to his old room. He'd lit candles, put out flowers, a bottle of champagne. It was supposed to be romantic...' she trailed off.

'But?'

'But it felt like so much pressure. He planned for us to have sex. He started to talk about how maybe we were making it into too much of a big deal, that maybe we should just do it... That maybe the closeness we had in LA would return if we were intimate and I hate how I am. I hate it and so I said I'd try.' She was silent and as he didn't know what to say, Pacey stayed quiet.

'It's supposed to be romantic right? Candles, champagne?' she repeated a little desperately.

'So they say.'

'So why didn't I feel anything. All I wanted was for him to be as far from me as possible which is stupid because I'm supposed to love him. Then of course my mind took over, because if I'm using words like "supposed" - do I really love him?'

'Only you can know...'

'No Pacey, you don't understand. I was convinced I loved him. In LA I was sure. Why am I not sure anymore? And how can I trust my judgement if I don't love him? I am not a flighty person Pacey!'

'Maybe you do love him. Maybe you're not in love with him?' he asked and she sighed,

'He was doing everything he thought would work. He was kissing me and touching me and I didn't want it, but I'd said it was ok and so he kept going. He took my silence as it was feeling ok, that it was good and then it got to that moment and I froze, I mean I freaked out. I just jumped up, pulled on my clothes and said we needed to go and that was it. Then in the car he was all quiet and angry. He was really angry, probably because I couldn't talk to him. I mean I hope he wasn't angry about the sex thing. Disappointed maybe, but not angry? He said that maybe this wasn't going to work, that we should take the next stretch of absence to think things through. He suggested I get help.'

'So you don't have sex and he's suggesting time apart?' Pacey was angry on her behalf.

'He didn't say time apart but yes, I think he meant that. I mean I don't blame him. I'm the worst girlfriend in the world. He was trying so hard. He tried to be romantic and sexy and... maybe I do need help...'

'Joey, look at me a second,' he was frowning but he needed to be looking into her eyes. 'When I'm with a girl I can tell when she's enjoying it. Not because of the noises she makes, or doesn't make, but as you well know her body lets me know. There are tells. The way she's breathing, a slight leaning into a touch, how she feels, you know down there. You will feel like that one day but not because Dawson sets up the perfect romantic scene.'

'I want to feel like that. Maybe I'm just all screwed up. Maybe I can't feel like that because I'm uptight and can't relax and am too damn focussed on success.'

'Maybe,' he shrugged, 'but one day there'll be the right time and place and person and the fact that you haven't done it before, haven't felt those feelings before, it won't matter.'

'I'd like to believe that,' she looked down, away from him. 'I'd like to be worthy of something like that.'

'Worth has got nothing to do with it Jo,' Pacey frowned, 'I mean why say that? Sex doesn't not work because you're somehow not worthy of an orgasm - the body doesn't know.'

'But maybe that is it, maybe the body does know. Nobody can love me because I'm not open to the idea of love, to the idea of getting truly close to anyone.'

'Well is that true? Do you want to keep people at a distance?' He frowned not liking the notion of her being somehow unavailable at all. Boyfriends could come and go but he wanted her to one day want and have the intimacy of forever.

'You told me about Sophie,' she hesitated, 'and you know, my life - it's not a big secret except of course it is because when you move to new places and meet new people you have the luxury of people not knowing everything about you...' she sighed and Pacey took her hand.

'Tell me please,' he pleaded.

'I didn't grow up like Dawson. I was poor. I was from the wrong part of town and from the wrong sort of family. I have a big sister, which is lucky because my mom died when I was twelve and my dad ended up in jail at the same time and so it was just us. Bessie was good to me but she had her boyfriend and her son and then me - her angry little sister. I didn't have good friends. I didn't have someone like you to look out for me and talk over crap with me. I spent most of my days alone, studying. I guess I'm scared to let people in, to let them be close to me. I don't want to be left any more but I'm scared I'm not worth staying for and so maybe that's why I run? Maybe I don't want someone as close as sex allows them. I've made it an emotional thing instead of just physical and so I can't relax because if I let them in and they leave, what then? I mean everyone leaves Pacey.'

Pacey didn't know what to say but he didn't want her to interpret his silence as rejection so he said part of what he felt inside,

'I'm not leaving you. You're my best friend and I could never leave you. You're worth staying for in every way. Not just because you make me laugh but because you make me happy, you make me feel safe and contented and you make me want to be better than I am, but happy with who I am all at the same time.'

'That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,' she sniffled.

'Well I didn't say it because it's nice I said it because it's true,' the urge to kiss her was hard to fight.

'I've spent all weekend with my boyfriend, if I can even call him that anymore, and yet this moment is the best I've felt,' she sniffed again.

'Guys can be stupid about sex. I'm sorry.'

'Would you dump a girl for not having sex?' she asked and he paused to consider. What if Joey were his and sex wasn't going as it should?

'If you were my girlfriend,' he answered carefully, 'I'd want to find out what works for you. I'd want to try and make it good for you, but no I don't think I would walk away. However, if I thought I couldn't do it for you physically? Then I might encourage you to think if I was the right guy for you.'

'I think Dawson is testing out whether he's happy without me,' she said glumly. 'I don't think he thinks I'm worth it.'

'He didn't say that,' he consoled.

'Dawson and I, we're not friends Pacey. We went from strangers to dating, to boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no friendship. I think that without sex...'

'You need to talk to him.'

'And I need help.'

'You don't. He needs to be more patient. He needs to make time in the bedroom about you and not him and he needs to take off the pressure.'

'You always make things feel better,' she gave yet another indulgent sniff,

'Well I can make it even better. You go through the shower and I'll make waffles.'

'With strawberries, cream and syrup?' she gave asked with a subconscious flutter of her eyelashes and he grinned,

'Of course.'

'I'm sorry if I...' she trailed off, seeking the right word, 'over share.'

'You don't.'

'Well in the spirit of not over sharing, you're my best friend too. I wish I'd had a friend like you growing up. I might not be quite so fucked up,' she smiled at him and he felt himself melt into a mushy puddle.

Time began to pass more quickly, weeks turning into months, the air beginning to chill as winter approached. Crisp fall leaves under foot became icy snow and Pacey began to love time at home, began to relish his house more than he ever had. Whilst he and Joey both worked crazy hours, when they were home he'd light the fire and they'd snuggle under a large blanket to watch tv, or Jen and Jack would be there laughing around the table whilst they all ate and drank too much. He'd invited Doug over a bunch of times and was pleased by the enthusiastic flirting between he and Jack, lighthearted, easy going Jack a good match for his stoic big brother. Joey wasn't the rowdiest person when they were all together, but alone she would relax, telling stupid jokes, stories from her childhood, even doing crazy dances to whatever song was playing on the radio. Pacey learned a lot about her - how her mother died, how Joey felt when it happened, her dad's incarceration, her crush on a boy at school, her nephew's love of The English Patient, her loneliness growing up. Finding out about her life, the past that built the person before him, collaborated the story his soul was telling - that he loved her. Pacey loved her. It was a simple emotion within a crazy, complicated situation. She wasn't his to love, but the closer they got the more he loved her. It wasn't even like they never argued, he knew she could be sarcastic and grumpy, that she could be forgetful and untidy and on occasion, especially when she had PMS, she could be a little mean, but he loved her anyway.

Dawson continued to be a presence in their home, mainly through the confusion and hurt he was wreaking. Joey tried to call him but for whatever reason he was always apparently busy, and he wasn't returning those calls. His lack of communication created an atmosphere that was stifling and oppressive in the house and an uncertainty in Joey over whether she had a boyfriend or not. She would, on occasion, analyze that last conversation, look for the moment he dumped her but it wasn't there. However, the fact that he was incommunicado told a different story. Pacey could see the stress it caused in Joey to not know. It was driving her crazy which was driving him crazy. He tried to get hold of his friend, but for whatever misguided reason, Dawson was not getting back in touch. He probably thought he was being noble and giving her the space she needed - that was typical Dawson. The problem was Joey was confused. As a naturally loyal person she wanted to defend him from the things Jack, Jen and even Pacey would say, but she didn't know whether she should. At the end of an analysis she would often say that Dawson told her he loved her. Pacey personally thought that sometimes love wasn't really enough.

The closer they grew, the further he tried to keep himself physically. It would be so easy to wrap an arm around her, to cuddle under the blanket as they watched tv and she'd probably let him. It was just that he didn't want touches to be platonic. Most of all he didn't want her to feel him next to her and feel nothing whilst he felt everything. He was very scared that she might feel nothing with his arm wrapped around her.

'You know what Potter, we talked and talked about having a party but never did it, so I've decided we're going to throw an epic one,' he stated one evening as he cooked dinner and she poured over medical books for a case she was working on.

'For Christmas?' she gave him a bright smile, looking up from her work.

'For Christmas if we use our next mutual day off to get a tree, holly, mistletoe and decorations?' he gave her a wink.

'Yes!' she agreed immediately, 'I want to, I will,' she seemed inordinately pleased.

'You like Christmas, huh?' he gave her a soft look, a small indulgent smile.

'Yes,' she stated simply.

'Ok, so let's look at the calendar for when we're free to Christmasify the house and when to do the party,' he pulled down the calendar they both used, her shifts scribbled in black and his in blue, and put it on top of her notes, looking at it over her shoulder. It would be so easy to press his lips to the soft skin of her neck, to even just rub her shoulders.

'The twelfth to shop,' she stated, 'and ummmm, the party on the twentieth.' He coughed slightly,

'You're working all night on the nineteenth,' he made his crazy face at her and she laughed, a waft of strawberry shampoo filling his nose as she bowed her head to gesture to the calendar,

'That I am Pace, but look at the twenty first...all clear for both of us which means we get to drink, as much as we want and we get to sleep until whatever time we want the next day,' she gave him an impish smile over her shoulder and he backed away, as always torn between the right thing and the strongest desire to grab her and kiss her.

'Aww I love tired and drunk Joey...' he teased.

'Watch yourself Witter. For the last time, when drunk I am a riot,' she stated.

'That you are,' he arched his brows. 'Guest list for this little shindig?'

'Hmmm...you invite your lot and I'll invite mine and we're good?'

'And I'm safe in assuming Sophie's is catering?'

'Wow Pace, what a generous offer,' she smiled sweetly and wrapping an arm around his waist squeezed releasing a cataclysmic adrenalin rush in her housemate. Making a barely audible noise between a squeak and groan, Pacey disentangled himself and chucked some white wine in the risotto he was making and then grabbed a couple of glasses and poured them one each.

'Are you trying to render my studying null and void?' she asked, a faint note of desperation.

'I'm trying to suggest that three hours over all of that paperwork hasn't yielded a result and perhaps dinner, some wine and a little conversation might allow you to return to it with a clear head,' he stood back behind her for a moment, putting down her glass and looking at the notes she'd been making.

'What do you think,' she tilted her head up to look at him, her eyes large and luminous and incredibly inviting.

'I think you doctors are crazy smart,' he replied glibly, smiling to cover his discomfort over the blatant attraction he felt must be written into every look he gave her. He tugged at her ponytail lightly, which only caused an image of his fingers tangled in her hair, her body beneath his, to flash with frightening ease across his minds eye. Which in turn did nothing to help alleviate his body's near constant approval of his roommate. Yet again he needed to get laid, though he feared that would do little to really appease his body's want.

'Now that is true,' she smirked at him apparently unaffected, but then she looked back up at him and their eyes locked and Pacey could have sworn the air around them had some sort of magnetism because he couldn't look away and apparently neither could she. Somehow his hand found its way back to her ponytail and he twisted a tendril of hair around his finger, a finger that treacherously dared to run along the nape of her neck. The slight flutter of her eyelids, the barely noticeable hitch in her breath were signs he'd longed for, signs that he affected her, that she felt something too. Her pager broke the moment.