Author Note – thanks to everyone who is still following. I hope you're enjoying the story, I considered finishing the story at the end of the last chapter but I wouldn't be that cruel (besides I'm scared some of you would hunt me down). I know I promised longer chapters but I wanted to split this one and the next one. I would love to know what you guys think about the chapter or the story as a whole, so if you've got the time please leave a review.

References – chapter fifteen

"Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?" We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise."
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Elliot sat watching Eli pack away his toys from the living room. He was humming happily to himself as he put a few things into his back pack to take to Elliot's apartment. He was aware of Kathy's eyes boring into the back of his head. He knew she wanted to talk to him, he wasn't sure what about. As soon as she had opened the door to him, Elliot knew something was wrong. But she hadn't said anything just offered him a coffee while he waited for Eli to get ready. So he had waited for her to talk, racking his mind to try to figure out why. He'd drawn a blank. They had been on good terms for a while, and he couldn't think of anything he had done to upset her.

"You're an idiot," Kathy told him.

He turned to face her. "Should I ask why or am I supposed to know?"

Kathy had that look on her face, which told he should know but he shouldn't ask. Her lips drew a thin line across her face, but her eyes remained soft and sympathetic as she pushed away from the counter and reached for Eli's school bag which was beside Elliot's arm. Kathy dug through it, pulling out their sons' school work till she found one particular painting. She glanced over it with a sigh before turning around for Elliot to see.

Elliot studied the picture and the five figures Eli had drawn. He knew who they were. The picture shook in front of him as Kathy encouraged him to take it from her. He didn't look up at Kathy, worried about her reaction. She had a right to be mad, especially with her suspicions about his relationship with Olivia over the years. Elliot hadn't told her outright that he was back in Olivia's life, even though he knew Eli had told her about it, Kathy hadn't pressed the issue. 'Had been back in Olivia's life,' he corrected himself silently.

Three weeks.

Three weeks since he last saw her. Three weeks since he kissed her. Three weeks since they argued and he walked out of her life.

Again.

Olivia hadn't called. He was miserable.

Elliot missed them. Eli missed them.

Elliot reached out and grasped the paper, unable to take his eyes off of it.

"I get he's drawn you, Olivia and Noah, but why is there a bunny?" Kathy asked as she peered over the top of the picture. Her tone, to his surprise, was light and teasing. There was no hint of anger or hurt. Elliot cast a quick gaze up to make sure. Her blue eyes stared back and him full of sympathy and pity, but also a hint of frustration too.

Elliot looked back at the picture, knowing she wanted an answer. "Noah's favourite toy is a stuffed bunny," Elliot explained. Kathy wrinkled her nose slightly. "What?" Elliot asked.

"I didn't expect a bunny for a little boy," Kathy replied.

Elliot glanced down at the picture and the carrot that was stuck in the bunny's paw. "I gave it to him," he admitted.

Kathy's brow rose. "Really?"

"It's more to do with the carrot," Elliot said, putting the paper on the counter beside his cup. "I was looking a toy cars which were next to the stuffed animals and then I saw it, couldn't find anything else." Elliot looked at Kathy to see her head tilted to the side, her hair cascading over her shoulder, in silent question. "My mother showed Liv a picture of me dressed as a carrot for Thanksgiving one year."

"Like you would let anyone keep a picture like that," Kathy scoffed in disbelief. When Elliot didn't laugh, Kathy straightened defensively. "I've never seen it," she said pointedly. "Your mother never showed me."

Elliot tried to hide his wince at her frosty, pained tone, wishing he had never admitted anything about the toy. He barely had a relationship with his mother; he couldn't explain why his mother had shown it to Olivia and not Kathy. "It was when we found out about Kathleen," he said.

Kathy nodded, not completely satisfied but pacified for the time being by the mention of their daughter. He wondered how she would feel if Olivia was still in his life. Elliot knew Kathy would never be entirely comfortable with his relationship with Olivia. She sighed, about to say something but Elliot cut her off.

"This doesn't matter any way, Liv's not gonna talk to me again," Elliot said. He didn't want to dwell on the situation which had been plaguing his mind for the last three weeks. Unfortunately Kathy never backed down.

"It does matter Elliot," Kathy argued back. "You're miserable and you're making our son miserable too."

Elliot instinctively looked over his shoulder at the boy in question. Eli had built a ramp for his cars and slowly rolling them down. It made him remember when he had done the same thing with Noah and he couldn't help but realise Eli had been a lot happier.

"I don't want to talk about it Kathy."

"I do Elliot," she stressed out. "And I deserve some honesty from you."

Elliot was about to respond but he thought better of it, there was already one woman who wasn't talking to him, he didn't want another. So he sat and waited for Kathy to say whatever it was she was going to say. Kathy glanced over his shoulder to make sure their youngest was still occupied.

"You need Olivia," she stated quietly, vehemently. "It's true Elliot. We were married for nearly thirty years and we never had anything near your connection with her."

Elliot watched his former wife and not for the first time felt guilty for his relationship with Olivia and the effect it had on Kathy. She didn't understand it, he didn't understand it; she had been jealous of it, but came to put up with it. He had never wanted Kathy to feel like she was competing with Olivia, but he knew she had whenever Elliot had told her he was going to be late because of work. Neither of them was relaxed around each other, but they had made an uneasy truce.

"I'm sorry I took Eli to see Olivia without telling you," Elliot apologised.

"This isn't about that," Kathy said with shake of her head. "I'm fine with Eli spending time with Olivia and Noah, he loves it. I don't want to see you go through this again," she added gently.

He looks up sharply. "Go through what?"

"Missing her," Kathy explained. "You can't do this again. You were lost without her, and I'm pretty sure it was the same for her."

"I'm not the one who's in the wrong here," Elliot said defensively.

"I don't care, sort things out with her." Kathy stepped back from the counter. "I've known you since we were teenagers Elliot, but I don't know half the stuff about you that Olivia does. There's a part of you I'll never understand Elliot, you never let me, but you let her."

"Kathy…"

"I'm okay with it Elliot," she held up a hand to stop him. "Took me a long time to stop being jealous of your connection with Olivia. I almost called her myself after you left the force. As much as I hated that you feel in love with another woman, I knew you never acted on it."

"You gotta know that I never cheated on you." He never wanted Kathy to be under the impression he had been unfaithful. It hurt to hear how easily she told him he was in love with Olivia. He didn't want to acknowledge it because of the uncertainty and pain that went with it.

"I know that," Kathy nodded. "You're not that kind of man Elliot, and Olivia means too much to you to make her the other woman."

"I'm sorry Kathy."

"I don't blame you Elliot, it's not like either of you started out with the intention of being anything other than partners." Kathy paused, her lips pursing contemplatively as she searched his face. "Call her Elliot, you miss her. After last time, you need to be the one who calls."

Elliot sighs, ignores the jibe, and stared blankly back at her. "It's not that simple."

"So explain it to me," her tone softening at the sound of defeat in his voice.

Half an hour ago he wouldn't have thought of discussing any of this with Kathy. Since their divorce they had become friends but there were topics they still avoided, especially Olivia, not just because he was uncomfortable about discussing his feelings, but it hurt Kathy as much as it did Elliot. The only time he'd ever discussed this with anyone was when he had been in therapy after the shooting, even then only alluding to certain things rather than admit them outright. He had history with Kathy, a commitment to their family, and he knew she would be honest with him. He had no idea how she would react to the idea of starting another family with Olivia and Noah. Elliot didn't want her to think he was giving up on their children or that their old relationship would mean less to him if he was involved with Olivia.

Kathy's still staring back at him. Waiting, expecting. She wants to help him and he doesn't want to hurt her, doesn't want to hurt anyone. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about Olivia and Noah, and the time they spent together, especially that morning they spent before the argument, how it had felt like a family, how he wanted to do it again. He misses them.

"I'm not sure whether I can start another family," Elliot breathes out quickly, daring to look up at Kathy to gage her reaction.

She stares back at him, her expression guarded. Elliot can't get a read on her and steadies himself for her response. His worry escalates when her arms fold over her chest. Her face falls as she tries to verbalise whatever is going through her head. She expels a quick breath, her eyes casting up quickly before meeting his again.

"Whether you realise it or not you're already a family, Elliot," she gave him a tiny sad smile. "You don't have to worry about my feelings here, I know that you'll always cherish our family, and I know that we'll always love each other but we're not in love anymore. We were together for a long time Elliot, a lot longer than a lot of people expect to be these days and we have wonderful memories. Just because we got a divorce doesn't mean we regret our relationship or that we failed. We've got five children who prove we didn't."

Kathy leans forward, her forearms rest on the counter in front of her as she moves closer to Elliot, emphasising her point. Her voice lowers, firmly. "You are an amazing father Elliot, and you've got so much love to give," she looks at him, her bright blues piercing through him. "What's Noah like?"

Elliot's lips curl into a smile. "He's incredible. He's walking and starting to talk. He's smart and doesn't miss anything. He's got a good aim, likes throwing things." He bobs his head as he lets out a chuckle, Kathy gives him a knowing smirk. "He knows he's Liv's son, he knows he's loved."

"It must be difficult for her," Kathy told him clearing her throat.

He knows what she's trying to say and wonders if it's a dig at him, trying to make him feel guilty for not being there all the times he got called into work. Her face and voice are void of spite. "It is, she hates missing his milestones," he says apologetically. Elliot hates how difficult this is for Kathy, hates feeling like a burden when she's trying to help him.

Kathy nods her head uncomfortably in acknowledgement, looking down briefly. All of her hesitation is gone when she looks back up. "I know that you're scared about starting over. You've got another chance at being happy Elliot, grab hold of it. You can do this Elliot, I know you can."

He wants to; he's known that for a while. He doesn't want to think about not seeing them again; his heart aches when he does. He's scared of repeating the same mistakes he made with Kathy, he has no doubt he's going to mess up. He already has.

"What about the kids?" He asks sidestepping the blessing she's given him, his own lack of confidence despite her blessing. Kathy shrugged.

"They'll understand. Eli already looks at Noah like a little brother. It means he's not the baby anymore."

"I've got to convince Liv to talk to me first," Elliot replied looking at her wearily, wondering her motivation. "Why are you giving me a pep talk about this?"

"Because we've known each other for thirty years and I never knew you dressed up as a carrot." Her hands clasp over his, and she makes him look at her. "Call her Elliot."

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them.
But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."
― Paulo Coelho, The Fifth Mountain