References – chapter seventeen
"I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him."
― Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith
Her phone vibrated beside her on the desk. Without looking at it Olivia reached out to grab it as she searched through the open file in front of her for a missing statement.
"Benson," she answered.
"Hi," Elliot replied.
Olivia paused. "Hi," she replied. There was a long silence and Olivia wasn't sure whether or not to be relieved he had called first. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," Elliot cleared his throat nervously. "When's your next day off?" He asked.
Olivia lifted her head to look out in to the squad room. She watched Fin and Amanda bowed over their desks as they filled in paperwork for their latest case. No one is watching her as she sits back in her chair, holding the phone closer to her ear. "I'm off on Sunday," she tells Elliot gently. Three days away. "Why?"
"Eli wanted to know if you and Noah could come to his soccer game," Elliot replies.
"Do you want us to come?" She asks even though she can hear the invitation in his voice, she needs to hear the words from him, needs that reassurance. She needs to know it's from him as well as Eli. It has to come from Elliot, no one else. It doesn't matter what Don said, this had to be resolved between her and Elliot. With their history they were more likely to ignore and move on rather than address it. They were both guilty of avoiding whatever was causing problems in their relationship and his phone call was a surprise, one she was grateful for.
"Yes," Elliot stresses out.
He's forcing himself to say it. She doesn't know if it's because he's forcing himself to be honest or if it's difficult for him to admit, to be the one making the first move, to be the one who called even though she had been the one to hurt him. She hears Elliot take a deep breath in her ear, expelling it loudly.
"I want you and Noah there Liv, I need you to be," he says much softer than before.
She quickly licks her suddenly dry lips, her head tilting to the side. Olivia can't help but shoot her gaze to her office door, glad she shut it when she started her paperwork. Now she was glad prying ears wouldn't be able to overhear the conversation between her and Elliot.
It's been a long month and she's been miserable. From the sound of Elliot's voice, he has been to. Part of her wants to go back to those first few weeks, those first play dates when they barely talked and they used the boys as a buffer between them. Just like in those first few play dates she falls back behind the protection of the children.
"Noah has been asking for you," Olivia admits as her gaze falls on the picture of her son on her desk.
"I miss both of you," Elliot confesses into her ear.
Olivia's heart flutters at the gravely tone of his voice. She knows it's hard for him to admit. "We miss you," she whispers. "I miss you," she reiterates after a long pause.
Silence meets her confession and she wonders if it's what he wants to hear. He may have been able to admit it, but he may not have been able to hear it.
"Are you going to come?" Elliot asks and Olivia blinks as she remembers the true reason for his phone call.
"We will," Olivia agrees and not for the first time she wants to be doing this in person. She hates that they are able to tell each other things on the phone rather than in person. Even now it's strained and he wants to change the subject.
"Do you want me to pick you up?"
Olivia shakes her head out of habit. "We can make our own way there." She doesn't mean it as rejection; it's more for self-preservation, for both of them. She hates her need to have a strategy to distance herself.
"Okay," Elliot replies coolly.
"Elliot," she says apologetically hating the miscommunications between them.
"It's fine," he says gruffly. She's said it enough to him to know it's not, before she has a chance to argue with him Elliot speaks again. "I'll meet you there," Elliot insists ignoring her.
"I'm sorry," Olivia tells him. She's not just apologising for her refusal of his offer but for the words which caused their latest separation. In her mind she's gone over that morning in her apartment several times in the last month and she hated herself for pushing him away.
"Me too," Elliot admits.
Olivia is surprised by his confession and his acceptance; it unsettles her. Part of her wants him to yell and rail at her because that's what she's more comfortable with, she would know how to fight back. Even though this softer, gentler acceptance is unnerving Olivia finds herself drawn into the intimate sound of his voice.
"We need to talk," she tells him bravely. He had called her, now she was reciprocating by making the second move.
"Yeah," Elliot agrees. "I-"
A knock on her door makes her jump. "Sorry Elliot, give me a minute," she says quickly. Without waiting for a response Olivia covers the mouth piece with her hand as she calls to the person who had interrupted them. The handle turns and the door cracks open enough for Fin to poke his head around the door.
"Sorry Liv, we just got a call," he explains. He waits for her nod of acknowledgement.
"I'll be right out Fin," Olivia told him. He bobs his head and retreats back out to the squad room to start gathering the rest of the team. She watched them for a moment before lifting the phone back to her ear, uncovering the mouth piece. Before she can talk, Elliot spoke.
"You need to go, don't you?"
"We just got a case," Olivia replies. "We can talk after the game on Sunday," she promises.
"Okay," Elliot agreed. "I'll see you later."
He's about to hang up the phone but Olivia doesn't want to end it there. "Elliot," she says into the receiver. There's rustling on the other and she can hear his breathing in her ear once again.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks," she says simply. There's a pause. "For calling," she clarifies.
"I missed you," he explains. Then he's gone and all Olivia can hear is the dial tone.
She disconnects, her hand lingering over the button as she does. She hates that it's easier over the phone.
…
Even though she's busy with a case the three days drag by and at odd moments Olivia finds herself watching the clock, willing it to be Sunday. Noah has picked up on her tension and has become increasingly clingy when she's been at home and he's started to cry and fuss when she leaves for work. She hates abandoning him but its Elliot's voice in the back of her head telling her it's worth it and Noah will understand it one day. Long hours combined with an uncooperative Noah, Olivia had never been so relieved to be off work by the time Saturday night came around and they finished the case.
She barely slept on Saturday night, only partly due to Noah's teething, mostly because of her apprehension. They both finally fell asleep in the early hours of Sunday on the sofa leading them to oversleep. When Olivia woke to Noah's babbling and his hand patting her cheek as he knelt in the small space between her and the back of the sofa.
"Mama," he said excitedly as he saw her eyes flutter.
"Morning Noah," she said her voice hoarse with sleep. Olivia covered her mouth to hide her yawn but he saw it and giggled anyway while he bounced on his knees. Olivia rolled her head to the side as she fully opened her eyes. He giggled happily and Olivia wondered how he could be so happy after being awake half the night with the pain in his teeth. She smiled at him sleepily, her hand reaching up to brush his soft curls lightly. He leant into her hand briefly before he allowed her to pull him down beside her, snuggling into her embrace.
She loved this part of their day, hoping the peaceful awakening would somehow continue through the day. With a sense of foreboding Olivia tightened her arms around Noah as he fidgeted in her arms.
"Mama up," he whined when he couldn't get comfortable.
"Okay little man, we'll get up. Are you hungry?"
Noah nodded and wriggled his body over Olivia's so he could get down from the sofa. Olivia held her hand on his back to guide him safely to the floor. Noah squatted down to reach for something Olivia couldn't see. When he stood, he was holding the bunny and his football. They must have fallen off the sofa while they were sleeping. Olivia smiled as she rose up to sit on the sofa, ignoring the ache in her back from sleeping on the sofa. She wondered how he would react at seeing Eli and Elliot later.
"Bot?" Noah asked tucking the bunny into the crook of his arm while he held the ball in his hand.
"Yes we'll get you your bottle," Olivia told him as she pushed herself up and walked into his bedroom, Noah following close behind her. She quickly changed his diaper and led him back into the kitchen. Taking Noah's bottle from the fridge she heated it for him to drink while she prepared his breakfast. "Do you want to go to the park today Noah?"
"'Li?" Noah asked expectantly.
"Yes we're going to see Eli and Elliot," she told him and he bounced up and down excitedly on his feet. She lifted him into his chair, securing him with the straps. He put the ball on the table when Olivia handed him his bottle and he enthusiastically started guzzling the milk. "Slow down little man," she said with a laugh before pressing a kiss to his forehead.
…...
Two hours later Olivia was pushing Noah in his stroller down the path of the park towards the soccer fields. It was cold and Noah was bundled up in his body suit, hat and gloves. He was mumbling softly to himself as he lifted a hand to wave through the frosty smoke he was producing as he spoke. In the distance she could see people gathering in the seats under a sign proclaiming it last game of the season.
On their approach she looked out for any familiar figures but she couldn't spot Elliot or Eli. Though she was apprehensive she didn't falter or pause, her heartbeat quickening with every step. As much as she was scared of this encounter, Olivia couldn't turn back. Maybe it was the intensity in Elliot's voice, the longing she heard there when he told her he needed them at the game. She had no idea what he wanted, but she was more afraid of never finding out than whatever it would mean for them.
They reached the barricades of the soccer field and Noah started jumping up and down in his chair, jostling it as he laughed. He raised his arms and Olivia followed his line of sight to see Eli running towards them. The boy was dressed in his soccer uniform with his teams jogging bottoms instead of shorts.
"Hi Olivia, hi Noah," he said as he swooped down to hug Noah tightly, blowing a raspberry on the younger boys cheek to make him laugh.
Olivia kept her focus on the scene, her relief almost immeasurable at the children's reunion, refusing to look for Elliot. She isn't ready for this moment to end just yet. She knows the minute her gaze meets Elliot's this moment will be shattered. Eli released Noah and wrapped his arms around her waist, squeezing her as he presses his face into her coat. She holds him tightly, bowing her head to place a kiss on the crown of his head.
"I missed you," Eli says not relinquishing his hold. "Dad missed you too," he adds with a conspiratorial whisper as he raises his head and gives her a quick smile.
She can sense Elliot standing next to them and the air around them changes. Olivia straightens as she releases Eli but she is saved from facing Elliot because Noah has already started to reach for Elliot, rocking his stroller in the process as he tugged at his straps. Olivia placed a hand on the handle to steady it. Noah craned his head towards Elliot.
"'Lot," he moaned, pulling at his straps. "Out," he commanded.
Elliot crouched down in front of him, his hands resting lightly on Noah's shoulders to still his frustrated movements. "Calm down Noah," he said. Without asking Olivia's permission, even though she would have agreed, Elliot unsnapped the clasp and lifted Noah out, pulling him close as he stood.
Olivia couldn't help but stare as Noah clung to Elliot, his desperation from moments before forgotten as he nestled happily into Elliot. Noah leant his head against Elliot chin, something he usually only did with Olivia when she kissed his head. Elliot dutifully dropped a quick peck to his hairline, his eyes lighting up. She can't quite remember either of them being this happy to see one another, and while she was apprehensive about her reunion with Elliot, she wasn't quite prepared for the amount of relief she feels at the sight of them.
"Hi Noah, I've missed you buddy," Elliot told him gently.
Noah leant back to look at Elliot as he reached up and covered his mouth, strumming his fingers. Elliot's smiled almost split his face as he kissed her sons' fingertips, blowing a raspberry against them to make the toddler laugh. Noah squealed as Elliot did it again, his body wavering and Elliot had to place his free hand on Noah's back to steady him. Eli stepped up to his father and placed his hand on Noah's back.
"Did you miss us Noah?"
Noah nodded and wriggled against Elliot. "Down," he said pointing at the ground. Elliot did as Noah asked, grabbing hold of one of Noah's hands as Eli took hold of the other one. "Ta," Noah said once they started walking towards the seats with Olivia pushing the stroller beside them.
After a few steps Elliot finally looked at her and their gazes held for a moment, unable to turn away from the intensity. The happiness she saw directed at Noah was gone, replaced by longing. She lifted her lips but it didn't form a full smile. Elliot's eyes softened but he had to look away when Noah tugged his hand towards the seats. Once they were sitting comfortably with Noah sitting on Elliot's lap. Eli was soon called by his coach to huddle with his team before kick-off.
They watched for a moment as the children took up their positions on the field. She heard Elliot laugh and turned to see Noah sitting on is lap, his suit covering his mouth as his position pushed it up. Elliot drew down the zip so his mouth wasn't covered but he didn't relinquish his hold.
"Thanks for coming today," Elliot said without taking his attention from Noah, bouncing his knee to keep him calm.
"Thanks for inviting us."
A strained silence ensues and they watch the referee place the ball on the pitch and blow the whistle for the game to begin. Noah watches Eli as he runs around the field, craning his neck as Eli manages to get the ball and dribble it up the pitch. He points excitedly.
"Ball," he calls and the adults laugh at his enthusiasm. Eli passes it to another player and Noah slumps in Elliot's arms. "Hmm," he huffed.
"Are you gonna play soccer when you're older Noah?"
Not really sure what Elliot is asking him Noah just nods and continues to follow Eli with his eyes. Olivia smiled at him when she became of Elliot's eyes on her again. She quickly glances at him and nods her head in Noah's direction. "He's missed you."
Elliot nods. "I've missed him too," he said pulling Noah closer.
"I didn't expect your call," Olivia admitted.
Elliot drew in a deep breath. "One of us had to do something," he replied heavily. "We need to talk."
"This isn't really the place," Olivia told him shifting uncomfortably. Elliot stiffened and his gaze goes back out to the field, watching Eli. Not wanting him to withdraw from her again, Olivia placed a hand on his forearm. His eyes drop to it before he lifts up to look at her again, she doesn't remove the hand just grips his arm gently. "I'm not saying we won't, I'm saying we shouldn't do it at Eli soccer game. Can we just enjoy this without anything getting in the way?"
Elliot nods and he turns back to the game. Her hand remains on his arm but after a few minutes he shakes it off only to grasp it in his gloved one. Olivia is surprised by the move but doesn't pull away, just wills herself to relax under his touch.
…..
"I need to pee," Eli complains as he rushes past Olivia as she holds her apartment door open. He doesn't wait for her to flip the light switch, just runs straight for the bathroom.
"I'm gonna talk to him about the language he uses around Noah," Elliot laughs as he follows her carrying a slumbering Noah in one arm and a duffle bag in the other. "He gets it from Dickie."
"And who did Dickie get it from?" Olivia asked as she shot him a bemused look over her shoulder. Elliot replies with an embarrassed duck of his head as he nods his acknowledgement of her gentle mocking.
Olivia pushed the stroller into the apartment and turns the light on. Elliot pushes the door closed with his foot and looks around the apartment to see if anything has changed. It hasn't. While Olivia puts away the stroller and takes off her coat, Elliot lays Noah on the sofa and removes his body suit while trying not to disturb the sleeping child too much. Once he was done Elliot placed two pillows on the floor beside the toddler in case he rolled off the sofa while he was asleep.
Elliot listens out for Eli as he flushes the toilet and runs the tap to wash his hands. Eli comes running out of Olivia's bedroom and skids to a halt in front of Elliot. "Do you have my clothes to change into Dad? My kit's all sweaty," Eli asked.
"Here you go buddy," Elliot replies giving Eli the bag he was carrying. "Go change in the bathroom."
"Okay, see you in a minute," Eli says as he runs off in the direction he just came from, leaving Elliot and Olivia alone again.
Elliot looks over his shoulder at Olivia to find her watching him and Noah. He's missed her and being with her and the boys today reiterates that for him. He's had a long time to think and it wasn't till he wasn't spending time with them that he realised he wants this with her, wants this fresh start with her and Noah. He takes a step towards her as she finishes hanging her coat, holding out Noah's body suit.
"Thanks," she says accepting it with a smile.
Elliot shrugs out of his own jacket and she hangs it next to hers. "How have you been?" Elliot asks when she brushes past him to check on Noah.
"I've been busy at the precinct, and I saw Cragen last week," she explains casually as she perches on the sofa next to Noah, her hand stroking his soft curls out of his face.
"How is the Captain?" Elliot asked.
"He's good, readjusting back to the city. He wants to have a dinner to celebrate coming home. How are you?" She asks without raising her head.
"Miserable," Elliot replies honestly as he moves to sit opposite her on the coffee table. His hand brushes the outside of her knee and she looks at him sharply but she doesn't jerk away. "I've thought about calling you several times."
"What stopped you?"
"You." Olivia shoots a worried glance in the direction of her bedroom but Elliot speaks again. "He takes a while getting changed," he reassures her. She doesn't look convinced but she doesn't move away or tell him to stop in his explanation.
"I wanted you to call," Olivia whispers. "I'm sorry for saying what I did."
"It was the truth," Elliot says dismissively with a wave of his hand. "We have a knack for hurting one another, don't we?"
Her eyes drift shut and it's hard to hear. There have been few people in her life who have been able to affect her in the way Elliot does; her mother being one, her pursuit of her father being the other. It's why she fought so hard to keep certain boundaries between them, ones which they unknowingly crossed. He knows her, knows what to say to get to her, and knows how much it will hurt her that he's the one saying it. She knows he feels the same way about her, which makes her feel guiltier for what she said.
"I don't want to anymore," Elliot says to bring her attention back to the present and him. "I never wanted to."
"Neither do I." She opens her eyes to meet his gaze, startled by the blue depths.
"I think we got ahead of ourselves," Elliot says quietly.
His hand became bolder in stroking her knee and Olivia thinks she should stop him. It's familiar yet new all at the same time, producing the same tingling sensation she felt whenever they brushed hands. She doesn't because it's a reassuring gesture and she wonders if it's as much for Elliot as it is for her.
"I think we were scared of what could happen we overreacted to anything happening," Olivia agreed.
"With our history it was hard not to."
Olivia knows he's right. Always has done, but neither of them have been brave enough to ever admit it. It happened time and time again with them, ignoring their feelings till it was too late and they became overwhelmed and had no idea how to deal with them so they ended up lashing out and pushing each other away. Just like they did a month ago.
"I didn't realise how much I wanted this till I didn't have it anymore," Elliot admitted. "It took me a while to realise it. Why didn't you want to take things further?"
"I was scared."
"About what?"
"Being a family," Olivia said brokenly.
"What scares you about us being a family?"
"I don't want any of us to lose more than we already have. Noah's not even eighteen months and he's already been through so much upheaval."
"He's safe now Liv, and happy. It's more than that," Elliot presses.
"Really? I spent my childhood dealing with an absent mother; I had no idea when she was going to come home or whether she would be sober when she did. I don't want Noah to have the same doubts when I'm on the job. I don't want him to be alone if something happens to me."
"He won't be alone Liv," Elliot promises lying his hand fully on her knee.
"I don't want to be alone," she confesses breathily. It was difficult for her to let people in, but to let her guard down and allow her happiness to be reliant on one person was something else entirely. Her connection to Elliot has always been intense and it terrified her because he knows her. To let him in completely and be scared of losing him was petrifying.
"You won't be," Elliot says as he scoots forward, his legs falling apart as his hand guiding her legs so they're in between his as she faces him fully.
"What happens when we mess up?" Olivia asks, not quite ready to surrender to the picture he's painting in her head. Elliot tilts his head to the side, his eye brow quirking in question. "You know we will," she insists softly.
"We work at it," Elliot replies and starts using his fingers to emphasising his point as he rattles off a list. "Computer crimes, Oregon, the shooting…I've lost you too many times, and I don't think I can do it again," he pauses and she can feel the warmth spreading through her as he looks at her. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy or that we're never going to argue, because you know we will," Elliot repeats with a playful smirk.
Olivia rolls her eyes at him but leans forward anyway, drawn into him. "I've missed you," she says as one of Elliot's hands cups her jaw gently, his thumb stroking her cheek tenderly. He leans in and his breath mingles with hers as his mouth hovers in front of hers.
"I want this," he whispered and she can feel his lips against hers as he says the words.
She lifts her chin to close the distance between them and her lips are about to touch his when…
"Are you two dating?" Eli called from the doorway of Olivia's bedroom.
Author Note – Happily ever after, THE END. Remember 'tis the season to be jolly…whatever comment you have will be greatly appreciated and for those you who have my address, I'm glad you live in another country.
In all honesty I can't see anything beyond this point, but I'll leave it open in case anything pops out at me. I might add an epilogue at a later stage. If any of you have some, any ideas are welcome and appreciated and I'll consider them, please leave a review or PM me. Thank you all for following the story, I love reading what you've all thought of the story as it progressed. You are sweetest readers a writer can have. Whatever you're doing over the festive season I hope you're all happy, healthy and safe.