Hi All,

I'm sorry this is late - it has been torture trying to post it. Doc manager will only save if I post a paragraph at a time and loses all italics etc.

thank you for reviews - please keep them coming, they made me persevere tonight even though I felt like screaming;-)

Tab :-)

Chapter 7

The house looked damn good and by his own admittance. He'd been working on it for a couple of hours when he heard Joey come in at around 11. He'd cleaned and scrubbed, rearranged furniture for more space, baked, and stocked up on wine and beer. He'd put candles along the the mantle above the fire and laid the fire ready to light. It looked pretty damn awesome and he hoped Joey would like it. As he heard her in the hall hanging up her coat he moved to the living room entrance and waited, keen that she shouldn't escape without facing him. She looked tired as she came into view but gave him a small smile.

'Hi,' he said.

'Hi,' she looked into the room behind him. 'It all looks great Pacey. What do you need me to do?'

'Get some rest,' he offered kindly.

'I want to help,' she insisted.

'It's all done.'

'You're amazing,' she stated and Pacey literally felt the charge grow around them. It was quite ridiculous. She stared at him and he couldn't seem to tear his eyes from her, only look at her longingly, wondering what she would do with all the love he had given her. 'Pace?'

'Yeah?' his voice was deep, a husky quality to it he tried to cough away.

'Apparently it's bad luck to stand under mistletoe and not be kissed,' she half whispered the words.

'I made that up,' he told her.

'So I'm making it up too,' she stepped up right into his body space and he had absolutely no will power, not to move even an inch. 'Pacey,' she pleaded her hands seeking the warm skin at his waist causing him to suck in a breath. Her lips ghosted across his neck, across his cheek until they claimed his. He tried to resist kissing her back, but even though his heart felt wretched the deep groan that vibrated in the kiss between them was encouragement enough to Joey. Her hands that had rested at his hips snuck up, tracing the muscles of his stomach, the ribs and the warmth of his back. It felt divine. Her cool fingers exploring his body, ghosting over his heated skin and tracking ribs, all whilst her mouth explored his. He wanted this so much but not for practice, not because of mistletoe and not if she was still with Dawson, even in the ambiguous way she was. He stopped returning her kiss, his hands finding hers and stilling their movement.

'You should get some sleep,' he told her.

'But I want ...' she began but he shook his head,

'Jo, I know what I want. But I don't want it if you're not sure it's what you want. I can't... I just can't,' he sighed with fatigue. 'I'm sorry. This was supposed to be fun. The party and everything.'

'I need you Pacey,' she whispered and his heart broke because need and want were not the same thing, 'will you sleep with me, please?' she looked at him and his expression which explained his interpretation, 'I mean sleep. Not anything else. You don't even have to kiss me, but I need to be close to my best friend.'

'Ok,' he felt that he must be a glutton for punishment. But she needed him and that need fed his hope. 'I'll make sure we're set down here and then I'll come up.' How did Jen exactly propose he fight for this girl? He was giving her all of himself, but he couldn't make her love him.

'I'll shower,' she murmured and rested her head against his chest, wrapping her arms around him. 'I'm sorry... I just need you.'

'I want you to want me,' he whispered to her retreating form, but he didn't think she heard.

She came to him in his room again, and he hoped it meant something - that she was coming to him. She was wearing a vest and some underpants, not the thongs they'd joked about but the regular kind, both black.

'That's what you sleep in?' he croaked.

'I slept in less last time,' she shrugged and moved to the edge of the bed. He flicked back the covers and she climbed in beside him. He expected her to stay on her side but she didn't do that. She crawled as close to him as possible, her cheek resting on his chest, her legs tangling with his and her arm and hand clamping around his waist. She pressed warm, wet, intermittent kisses to his chest.

'Joey...'he tried to protest.

'I know...but please...' her voice was so beseechingly needy that he caved. Pacey lay with her in his bed, her body draped over his smelling of cocoa butter and strawberries, and whatever else she'd used in the shower wondering how he'd ended up protecting his heart so poorly, falling in love with this girl who may never love him back. 'Pace...'

'Hmmm?' he'd been holding her against himself and he released her a little, meeting her eyes as she looked up at him,

'You're gonna tell Dawson...you know...what you told me?' her voice was small and worried.

'You mean that I love you?' he asked boldly, surprised by his daring. He adored the blush that stained her cheeks, the bashful way her eyes looked down.

'Yes.'

'Dawson has treated you badly, I'm sorry Jo, but he has. I learnt long ago that you hold on tight to those you love and he's so sure of himself that he loves you and ignores you? I hate not speaking to you for a day. Hate it,' he trailed off hating this. Jen had said fight - maybe this was how he could fight - just loving her and wanting her more.

'So you'll tell him?'

'Yes I'll tell him. I want him to know because whether or not you want me back, I want you and he deserves to know that, especially if you... if you...guys are together.'

'Pace,' she murmured his name and curled tightly into him, pressing small kisses to his chest. He wrapped his arm tightly around her. 'I've set the alarm for four hours. That should give us enough time. You sleep,' he told her softly.

'Hmmm,' she murmured sleepily, the kisses ceasing as she apparently fell asleep.

Pacey woke up to an incessant ringing of his doorbell. Someone clearly thought they were home and was holding a finger to the buzzer. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes he pressed a kiss to Joey's cheek. It was the wrong thing to do but then so much of what they were doing these days was wrong. He had to end it all and he knew it. As much as he loved her, and he didn't doubt that it was love, well it was only going to lead to pain and heartache to blur the lines as they kept doing. Pulling on his jeans and a tshirt he looked indulgently at Joey sleeping in his bed, curled into the warmth of the space he'd just vacated. At the continued ringing he jogged down the stairs and pulled open the front door.

'I knew you were here!' Dawson exclaimed triumphantly from the other side, snow in his hair and a bottle of wine in his hand. 'I thought I would surprise you guys. Well Joey really.'

Pacey stared at him, struck dumb because of course Dawson was here for Joey, that was the way his life worked. Golden boy was here and with the shine coming off of him Pacey would fade back into the shadows. He felt sick, like he might hurl all over his best friend, his oblivious, idiot, arrogant best friend who didn't know Pacey had kissed and touched and worst of all loved his sorta girlfriend.

'Are you ok Pacey? You look like you've seen a ghost?'

'No...um..I'm ok...I just, uh, woke up,' Pacey stated, the image of Joey lying in his bed burning across his retina's as his eyes fell shut, the feel of her naked skin on his so real it was as if she were wrapped around him.

'Is Joey here?' Dawson moved past Pacey into the entrance of the house and removed his jacket.

'I...uh... don't know,' Pacey stumbled over his words because they were lies.

'I'll go see,' Dawson chuckled. 'Maybe you should go back to bed?'

'Yeah...I might,' he said and then Dawson's obliviousness seeped into his sleepy brain, 'and no Dawson, you can't go see. Man, you haven't contacted her in months. I mean it has been literally months.'

'I wanted to give her space. We agreed she needed to work on things.'

'I think she expected you to call,' Pacey attempted. 'I'm not sure how she even views your relationship anymore.'

'And what's our relationship to you?' Dawson challenged, though the shrug that accompanied it was lighthearted.

'I'm just saying that two months is a long time to ignore a long distance love and you can't just assume...'

'She'll be pleased to see me, you'll see,' he interrupted confidently and Pacey thought he might hate him.

'Well I'll send her down if she's here,' he stated again, 'Maybe you could make a pot of coffee?'

'Sure,' Dawson smiled easily. 'Wow...it looks great in here. Are you guys having a party?'

'Yeah tonight. Her lot and my lot.'

'So I arrived at the perfect time?' Dawson grinned.

'I don't think you can expect to pick up where you left off,' Pacey couldn't bring himself to match Dawson's light emotions.

'I'm not expecting that, but I know Joey. She'll understand.'

'If you're sure,' Pacey sighed.

'You're withholding something,' Dawson stared at his friend, 'I know you Pacey. What is it?'

'You really wanna know?' Pacey shook his head. 'Jo is amazing. Not only is she a freakin' goddess, but she's sweet and kind and she's really funny. She's ridiculously passionate about just everything, but still kind of nervous, like she thinks people aren't going to listen to her opinion, or might call her out. You sent your girlfriend to stay with me Dawson.'

'My girlfriend,' Dawson emphasized, a cold look on his face.

'Just about the only girl in the world who could creep into my damaged heart, who could entwine herself into my damaged soul.'

'What bullshit is this?'

'Sophie died and I was damaged. I thought I was damaged beyond repair, not from the injuries but from losing her.'

'And what, my girlfriend has repaired the damaged, healed what you thought could never be healed?' Dawson bit out scathingly.

'You haven't contacted her in just over two months,' Pacey stated darkly. 'she's been alone and hurting and we're best friends.'

'So you decided to swoop in and save her? You did didn't you?' Dawson shook his head in disgust.

'No,' Pacey glared at him. 'I've just been her friend. Encouraged her, along with everyone else, to forget you because you were being ass.'

'I gave Joey space.'

'Nah you didn't, that's some pathetic excuse for ignoring her for months. You think I don't know why you're here? You flew back home for Christmas and thought you'd stay here for a few days and hope she'd have sex so she wouldn't lose you.'

'I came to see her because she's my girlfriend,' Dawson glowered, nostrils flaring.

'Is she? So you know why she was so sad last week? You know what she got her sister for Christmas? You know how many times she recorded herself singing some dumb Christmas song for her nephew because she wouldn't get to see him this year for the first time ever? You know which song? I presume you also know that she worked forty hours straight a couple of weeks ago and was so tired she fell asleep at the kitchen table. I had to carry her up to bed. You must also know about how her favourite boots have a hole in them? How she lost her purse, the special one with the picture of her mom inside? How she can't stop laughing when I read her out those ridiculous stupid texts that are online, and I'm talking crying with laughter.'

'You sound like you're in love with her,' Dawson stared at his friend, a cold, icy expression on his face, his lips curled in something resembling a snarl.

'She's my best friend,' Pacey admitted steadily, 'and yeah I am completely in love with her.' Dawson stared at him for a long two minutes before he huffed angrily,

'This doesn't surprise me at all Pacey. You know that right? You've been falling in love with the wrong people your whole life, why would now be any different.'

'And what's that supposed to mean?' Pacey breathed in a ragged breath.

'You even have to ask?' Dawson gave a sardonic laugh, 'I mean your high school English teacher - that was ridiculous even for you. And Andie? So much better. I know she was sweet, she was perky, but let's not forget she was a two timing mental patient...'

'Now wait a minute...' Pacey could feel anger whipping up inside of him, an anger like he had in those horrible dark days.

'And it's like Sophie all over again, falling in love with something that isn't yours to fall in love with.' Pacey deflated like a balloon,

'You're bringing Sophie into this?'

'When Sophie died you acted like a grieving parent. You weren't there for your family or your sister. Sophie wasn't your daughter. And Joey isn't your girlfriend, she's mine,' Dawson glared. Pacey had him up against the wall but the neck of his expensive shirt in less than a second.

'You don't know anything about that and if you ever so much as breathe Sophie's name again, I swear I will beat the living crap out of you,' Pacey spat the words and he saw Dawson flinch, through his rage he saw it. 'And let's be clear about one other thing whilst I'm point making and not you. Joey isn't yours. She isn't because you left her, you have ignored her repeatedly for months. You don't deserve her.'

'And you do?' Dawson bit out the words like bullets firing from a gun.

'I would never leave her.'

'You?' Dawson laughed bitterly.

'I don't run away anymore, and I don't abandon the girl I love for months with no word, and just assume I can waltz back in and it will all be the same,' Pacey released him and took a step back, seething.

'You used to. You ran away from Andie that summer, you ran away when...after the accident,' Dawson clearly thought better of mentioning Sophie's name after taking in the expression on Pacey's face.

'And I've grown up.'

'People don't change,' Dawson stated forcefully.

'They do,' Pacey maintained because he had changed. He'd closed his world in to a small select few, to his own house, his own business, and he'd been insular. But he had changed. Slowly through friends at work, then allowing Joey to stay, then better friends like Jen and Jack. It was never going to be all at once, but Pacey truly believed that people could change. 'Isn't that what you want from Joey anyway? For her to change? Isn't that why you've ignored and rejected her?'

'Look is she here or not?' Dawson's voice was stony.

'I'll go check,' Pacey stomped back up the stairs, and in his open bedroom door. Joey was sat in the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, apparently having listened to every word. Carefully shutting the door Pacey padded across the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. 'I'm sorry.'

'You don't need to be sorry,' her words were soft and she wrapped her arms around him from behind resting her face against his back. Pacey lowered his head and placed a kiss to her hands which were clasped in front of him. Then driven by love and a little anger at Dawson he turned, pushing her back on the bed and covering her body with his, his lips meeting her willing ones. He poured everything within him into the kiss, all the love he felt, the desire, need and want of her, the pent up frustration and hurt from Dawson, the fear that it may be the last kiss he got to have with her, and when he'd vented it all through his kiss he pressed his forehead against hers, loving the soothing feeling of her fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck.

'This isn't practice Joey. You don't keep kissing me because you want practice. This is more than that,' he whispered.

'I know,' she shook her head.

'No you don't. I... I love you. But he's my best friend.'

'I don't understand. What are you asking?'

'I want you to be with me. I've told him I love you and what I really want now is for you to be with me.'

'You're asking me to chose?' she asked, tears filling her eyes.

'No,' he shook his head, 'I wouldn't do that. I'm not going anywhere, I told you that. I won't ask you to move out, I won't stop being your friend and I won't stop loving you. This is not an ultimatum. But I've told him I love you. I told my best friend I'm in love with his sorta girlfriend which means I have chosen and I chose to you.'

'You did,' she acknowledged.

'I do. I'd chose you again and again.'

'Pacey...'

'I'm not done. I would really like you to think about how you feel because I can't do this forever. Whilst there are no ultimatums, there is a heart that's cracking and fragile. I can't live with this painful half hope all the time. The next time you kiss me I want it to be because you choose me. And if you never kiss me again, we'll carry on as if none of this happened and that's whether you're with Dawson or not.'

'Ok,' she nodded.

'I'm going to go shower and I'm going to see you in a bit,' he pressed his face into her neck before moving himself off of her. 'And Joey, I am sorry. Sorry that I couldn't just be your best friend and nothing more. I couldn't, not with what we've been doing, but if you don't want me like I want you, I will go back to that. I promise,' he gave her a weak smile and headed out.

Pacey showered as quickly as possible and then headed downstairs his nerves on fire with trepidation. It felt like his whole life was in the balance and he'd been there before when Sophie died. He hated the feeling of impending loss, and for all his balanced statements, all his reasonableness, he wasn't actually sure he could survive losing Joey. Even worse, losing her but having her there with him, but not his.

The atmosphere in the kitchen was cold. Dawson was sat at the breakfast bar with a coffee and a genial smile, the smile he used to charm and beguile, though at Pacey's footsteps he shot a glare in his direction. Joey's lips were pursed, her eyes dark and her countenance stormy.

'Joey, for the fifteenth time I was trying to be kind, to give you the space you seemed to need. It never meant I didn't love you,' Dawson pleaded.

'That just doesn't wash Dawson,' Joey scowled.

'I have to kind of side with Joey here. When someone I'm dating doesn't contact me or return my calls, especially for as long as two months, I'm pretty sure I'd think it was over,' Pacey stated with a shrug, moving to the coffee pot.

'Big surprise there. Has he told you Joey - told you he's in love with you?' Dawson put on a voice.

'Actually yes,' Joey gave him a glare.

'And I suppose you think it's ok that he tells you when you're my girlfriend?'

'I wasn't much of anything to you as far as I could make out,' Joey pointed out and Dawson exhaled loudly.

'We agreed to time and space to think it through.'

'You mean for me to get help,' Joey scowled.

'And did you? Get help?'

'I don't actually think that's any of your business,' she glared at him.

'Joey I'm here. I love you. I think we should give this a shot,' he beseeched.

'You didn't seem so sure before?'

'I want to have sex with you Joey. That's a normal part of a relationship. If you've got help and we can have that, then...'

'Maybe I'm not so sure,' her eyes flitted to Pacey's and his already hammering heart sped up. He was pretty certain a heart attack must be on the horizon.

'This is us Joey! Remember how we fell in love? You can't be ready to throw that all away?'

'You seemed ready to throw it away the last time you visited. You haven't called in months.'

'Look guys, the party starts in an hour or so. Why don't you...go sort this out?' Pacey offered.

'Yeah, I think we better,' Joey's tones were cold and clipped as she stalked upstairs to her room followed by Dawson. Pacey hasn't really meant they should go up to her room - that was the last place he wanted the two of them but it was really the only space with privacy, especially with everyone arriving imminently.