I am not Rick.

Annabeth entered the mouth of Rachel's cave. Apparently, Apollo gave no regard to the No Electronics rule of Camp Half-Blood, because Rachel had a TV. Annabeth looked around. Creepily, Rachel was nowhere to be seen.

Someone tapped Annabeth on the shoulder, and she almost had a heart attack. "Don't do that, Rachel," Annabeth said.

"Sorry," Rachel apologized. She was wearing a huge, ungainly backpack. "Anyway, are you ready to get started on killing these Sues?"

Annabeth cracked her knuckles. "Hades yeah. And the first one that we're killing is that wannabe daughter of Athena."

"Studies show that people hate daughters of Artemis more," Rachel objected, but a look from Annabeth silenced her.

Rachel reached into the huge, ungainly backpack. She pulled out a very messy filing folder. She started going through it, trying to find the right paper. Watching the disorganization of it was giving Annabeth a migraine. Annabeth closed her eyes tightly. "Stop, please," she begged.

"Found it!" Rachel called. "Crisis averted."

"I still have a headache."

"Oh, shut up."

A disgruntled Annabeth followed Rachel to the couch in front of the TV. Rachel picked up a TV remote and turned the TV on. "I have no idea how this technology exists," Rachel said. "Apparently, it was the only thing that the author could think of for this purpose."

Rachel typed the name: Meridia Luanne Wise into the TV searchbox. A face came up that matched the face on the filing paper. "Apparently, Meridia Luanne Wise comes from an underprivileged background. She was beaten by her dad and stepmom. She has blonde curly hair and grey eyes. She has a perfect GPA. She's defeated hundreds of monsters. She's an expert with a knife, a bow, and a sword, despite only arriving at Camp Half-Blood about a week ago."

"And how is she the head counselor of the Athena Cabin?" asked Annabeth.

"You stepped down for her after realizing how amazing she was," Rachel told her. Annabeth clenched her fists. "That Sue is going down."

"Let's see what dear Meridia Wise is doing now, shall we?" Rachel said. She turned on the TV.

Meridia Luanne Wise sits on the dock, alone and lonely, trapped in the realm of italics. Her blonde hair flows in the wind. Her placid stormy gray eyes, a sure sign of a daughter of Athena—

"Oh, come on! Placid stormy gray eyes? Isn't that a contradiction in itself?" Annabeth demanded. WHAT NOT TO DO: #1. Don't contradict yourself.

Rachel picked up her coffee and pressed play. Meridia lets a beautiful foot dangle into the water. Behind her, another person steps onto the dock. Meridia turns, and lets her lovely face break into a dazzling smile. It is Percy Jackson, the joy of her life.

Annabeth is growing steadily angrier. Rachel spit out her coffee. "Wait, what? Does she just have a useless crush on him, or is he cheating on you?"

"Meridia!" He sighs. "It's been so long since I've seen you."

"30 minutes, at least," Meridia says with a laugh that is both open and free, and also cool and stern, which totally sums up her personality.

#2. Don't do…that.

"We have to stop this," said Rachel, staring at the TV with utter horror. "As an artist, I can say that this is pure and utter bullcrap. And this author still has grammar! Can you imagine what the no-grammar ones will be like?"

"I think I can help," said a nasal voice from the door.

Drew stood in the door. No one noticed her coming towards them because at that moment, it was convienient for the story because the author is horribly lazy. She was wearing fishnet tights that looked like they were painted on, a miniskirt that looked ridiculously uncomfortable, and a tight shirt. Her face was caked in makeup.

"I want to help you kill the Mary Sues," Drew said. "I don't want to be like this anymore. If you read the actual books, I'm quite beautiful and practical in my clothing, I just am totally evil. I want to go back to the way I was."

Rachel and Annabeth exchanged glances. "But you've gone OOC. You're a…a Sue!"

"Oh, please," Drew spat. "They've only changed my appearance, not my personality. In this world, appearance is all that matters."

"That makes a surprising amount of sense," admitted Annabeth.

"And I'm killing Miss Meridia Wise. She called me a slut in front of the entire camp. I'm going to get payback," Drew said menacingly.

"Sure," agreed Rachel. It was probably good not to argue with an angry Drew. She could be surprisingly brutal when she wanted to.

"Can I have a frying pan?" Drew asked. "I'm going to try to bludgeon her to death. Should be fun."

"Over there." Rachel pointed to the kitchenette.

"See ya guys later," Drew said, leaving.

"Well, that was weird," Rachel said to Annabeth once Drew was out of earshot.

"On to the next Sue!"