AN: So, some of you may have noticed that this hasn't updated in an unholy long time. That's because we stopped writing it. BUT(!) I just found a chapter we'd written and I'd never published, so here it is! That's not to say the story is finished, though. Nor shall it ever be. But I'm going to publish our plot notes so you can imagine the end. I kinda wish we'd actually finished it, but it was not to be. :( Thanks for reading this wild and wacky half-finished defilement of two wonderful TV shows.

General Hammond decided that no general in history had ever had a worse posting than he did. Sure, he got to be on the forefront of human exploration of the galaxy. And that was awesome. He also had a second in command that had once smashed his car window in a fit of mourning. The people under his command took bets on who would die and come back to life next (the safe bet was always Daniel).

Now he was standing outside the temporary quarters of a man from an alternate universe with a button that made nine people jump universes while waiting for the aforementioned man and Anise/Freya (he never knew which name he should be using) to, well, orgasm.

Ianto and Jack were even more uncomfortable than the General. They couldn't decided how far apart to stand, or where to look. Both had found their sexual encounter enjoyable, but neither knew whether it should be repeated, let alone acknowledged.

If social discomfort was deadly, however, Dr. Lee would have been on his death bed. It had been his job to jury-rig a system of determining when Owen and their To'kra guest were orgasming and therefore when to push the button. He'd opted for a listening device and was regretting the day he'd signed the non-disclosure agreement that had indirectly placed him in his current situation.

"Now!" Dr. Lee yelled to General Hammond, who was in charge of button-pushing.

And with the push of a button, seven people suddenly appeared in the hallway.

Gwen had, in an unforeseen side-effect, been teleported away from where she had been taking a walk with a MALP and next to Ianto, Jack, Hammond, and Dr. Lee. Not realizing the change of surroundings in time to prevent her next step, Gwen promptly walked into a wall and knocked herself out.

No one noticed Gwen's accident for a bit, because of the chaos the other six were causing. Upon seeing Daniel, Jack O'Neill immediately shouted in shock, "Daniel's not dead!"

Daniel's reply was a hearty, "Fuck you!"

Jack Harkness was very distraught by this exchange, but Sam and Teal'c looked amused (one more than the other).

Ianto was explaining to Tosh how only half of them had been transported, and the resultant trials and tribulations of reuniting them all. She looked suitably sympathetic when he got to the part about having to explain how to power the button.

General Hammond was attempting to ascertain the identity of Lilena though the din. He was having a less than successful go of it.

Everyone stopped talking when a boxer-clad Owen flung open his door and demanded to know what the bloody hell was going on.

The Torchwood team was crowded around Gwen's bedside, anxious to get word from Janet Frasier on her head injury.

Teal'c was giving ambush-tactic tips to an Airman; Sam and Jack had left to go get some sort of dessert.

Daniel had pulled General Hammond aside in an attempt to explain Lilena's presence. Lilena had discovered a large supply of tongue depressors and was currently occupying herself by showing off her sculpting talent. The bust's likeness to General Hammond was truly striking.

Janet flicked off the light she had been shining into Gwen's eyes.

"Well," she began.

Before she could say anything further, however, the non-dessert-eating Jack let out a loud wail of anguish.

"I knew it!" he exclaimed.

Janet gave him a confused look. "You knew what?" she asked. "I didn't say anything."

The Captain shook his head. "You don't have to. I know. I always know."

Before anyone could point out that this was significantly creepy, he had dropped to his knees and grabbed Gwen's arm.

"Gwen," he intoned seriously, "I know you can't remember me, but I promise you, I'm going to make this all better, okay? I'm not leaving your side, not for a minute." He glanced at his team. "We're going to be here until you remember, all of us."

Moved, Ianto put his hand on Jack's shoulder. With his spare hand, the one not holding Gwen, Jack reached up and touched him gently. Toshiko sat down next to Gwen on the bed, patting her arm. Owen wished he was wearing clothes.

"You're not alone, Gwen," Jack continued. "Even if you can't remember anything, that's all you need to know. We'll be here for you no matter what, and we will never let you down." Fierce determination flashed in his eyes.

Gwen blinked at him. "Jack," she said. "Do you think I have amnesia or something? Because I don't."

"You don't?"

"I don't." She looked confused. "I remember everything."

Jack looked dubious, "How can we be sure?"

"I remember Tosh our sweetheart techie, that Owen's a dick, and you and Ianto have ridiculous amounts of sexual tension. Just screw each other already!"

Harkness looked undubious and let out a whoop of joy, gathering her up in his arms. The rest of the team crowded around, patting Gwen on the back in congratulations and support.

"I knew you'd get better!" he exclaimed. "I only doubted you for, like, a minute. Probably less."

Gwen patted his back, rolling her eyes. "You're a dumbass, Jack Harkness," she said affectionately.

Janet decided it would probably be more efficient for her to go deal instead with patients who had teammates less prone to long speeches, and left surreptitiously.

The other Jack was currently involved in no long speeches. In fact, he wasn't speaking at all. He was smiling contentedly in the commisary, looking across the table at Samantha Carter, who was currently engrossed in her Jello and not paying any attention to his smiles.

"Have you read the report on Ianto's suggestion?"

Carter looked up abruptly, her eyes meeting his. Jack hoped that his responding grin didn't look too goofy.

"Um, yeah." The words "orgasmic energy" popped briefly into his mind, and Jack really hoped that they didn't sneak their way into this conversation.

She gave him the look that she always got on her face when something scientific fascinated her. It was all shining, wide eyes that took up almost her entire face, and a slight curve of her lips threatening to break into a full-blown grin. Apparently, Carter didn't see a problem with potentially discussing orgasmic energy with him.

"Do you think it'll work?" Jack didn't really want to continue this conversation, but he would go through any awkward discussion if it meant prolonging that science-happy expression.

Her smile widened, her white teeth flashing. "It's fascinating, really. Of course, we know that there is a certain amount of actual physical energy exchanged and released during sex, if only because of kinetic movement and friction."

Jack tried not to think about Carter and friction.

"But the report from Mr. Jones indicated that the energy the alien they encountered fed off of was released during the orgasm itself."

Jack tried even harder not to think about Carter and orgasms. It wasn't working well. "Oh," he managed.

Fortunately, Carter seemed to take this as an acceptable response and continued. "We plan to harness the energy using something*."

"So," Jack interrupted, smiling. "Who's supposed to create this energy?"

Carter looked at him, her blue eyes wide and bright. But before she could answer, Major Davis, previously unnoticed at the table behind Jack, turned around.

"Fortunately," he butted in, "Anise slash Freya are here."

"Anise slash Freya?" questioned Jack. The phrase "slash fanfiction" popped into his head from an unfortunate phase of Sam's a few months ago, but he quickly vaporized that thought.

Davis nodded solemnly. "Currently, their escort has been given strict orders to pay attention to any indications that they may be about to..." he hesitated, but only briefly, "get it on, and radio General Hammond and yourself the moment that happens."

Jack just wished that none of that sentence had happened.

Captain Jack had other plans for his fish-faced doctor. General Hammond had tired of Torchwood causing havoc on his base and given them permission to leave if in the company of SG-1. (Lilena was stuck on base so she could attempt to resolve the situation.) After receiving word he could venture above ground, Jack set to rounding up his team and SG-1.

He collected Gwen from the infirmary; they asked an airman for directions and went to pick Daniel up from his office where he had been teaching Teal'c how to play "The Game of Life." Neither member of SG-1 had been especially thrilled about taking Torchwood on an off-base adventure, but Jack's charms overwhelmed them.

Tosh and Ianto ran into the group in a corridor and were subsequently swept up in what Jack had taken to calling "Operation Leave."

Operation Leave then swung by Owen's quarters and forced persuaded Owen to come along, much to the protest of the uninvited Anise/Freya.

Major Davis' plan successfully thwarted, the group made its way to the cafeteria to convince Colonel Jack and Sam to, as Captain Jack put it, "free them from the choking oppression of being this far underground for so long." When Ianto pointed out that their base was underground as well, Captain Jack mumbled something about "only a little bit" and pouted.

The two teams decided to head back to Jack O'Neill's house, an idea surprisingly proposed by the Colonel himself. SG-1 kept looking at their leader in confusion, but poor, naive Torchwood didn't know him well enough to be suspicious.

And so the unsuspecting morons got in the car (or rather, cars, as they took two) and left the relative safety-yet-boredom of the SGC. For most of the drive, no one seemed at all worried. Harkness tried to lead his team in a rousing chorus of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall," an idea which O'Neill, as the driver, thankfully nixed. He also vetoed the idea of calling Gwen's cellphone and Rick Rolling the other car, mostly on the theory that no one could think of a way to do so without exposing themselves to the song.

So excited about the Colorado Springs "road trip" was Harkness that he didn't even notice that the other Jack was pulling off the road until the car stopped.

"Where are we?" he asked.

O'Neill pointed. "Grocery store," he explained. "We're stopping."

Before any complaints could be started, the other car pulled in next to them. Daniel, who had offered to drive probably so that he could avoid the more lascivious and overtly gayer Jack, stepped out.

"Jack," he said.

"Daniel," both Jacks replied.

Visibly disturbed, the archaeologist turned to the Jack he had been talking to, namely, the one from his universe. "Why are we stopped?" he asked.

"Grocery store," O'Neill repeated. "We're picking some things up for dinner."

"Oooh!" Gwen clambered out of the bitch seat in Daniel's car, stepping over Owen in the process. "What are you making?"

As everyone looked at him expectantly, (except Owen, who was busily moaning in pain and cursing the existence of high heels and women) O'Neill shook his head. "Not me," he answered suavely. "You're cooking."

"Me?" Gwen asked.

"Yes. Well, no. You, as in all of you. Your team. Y'all. You plural. Not us."

The opposing Jack frowned. "Why?"

By the point Teal'c was the only one who had caught on to his friend's plan, and he readily supplied an explanation. "You made a vow," he answered. "As part of our competition in Cardiff, you agreed that, upon losing, you plural would preform an action as requested by us. And you lost."

"A lot," Daniel added.

*We never figured out what that something is, so use your imagination.