Suggestions - Orilia Has Orchestra

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down
Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound
Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you
But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe

Nana

Right foot left foot, right foot left foot, right foot… there was something wrong with me. I had counted the tiles on the floor, the number of chairs in the room, how many people came and went; I knew exactly how many doctors and nurses had rotated in and out of there. There was a clock ticking above me somewhere, thought I couldn't find it, and I was so anxious that I had timed my steps with the ticks. Right foot down, tick, left foot down, tick, right foot down, tick, left foot down, tick, on and on.

Yasu watched me carefully but said nothing as the hours passed and I paced and I shook and I looked anywhere, everywhere but at the door. Ren had disappeared behind that door. He had been fine but then out of nowhere his machines started going crazy and the doctors rushed him away. The doctors assured me it'd be fine but then why had I been forced to sign all those papers?

"It's been over two months, Nana." Yasu had tried to reason with me but I hadn't wanted to hear him. I didn't have any wish to acknowledge how much time had passed with no signs of life from Ren. He had finally forced me to take the pen and sign my name, no longer Osaki but Honjo.

When the topic of who was in charge of deciding things for Ren arose, I was left out by Takumi and Cookie and even Yasu, until Ren's handler, Kinoshita came up with my birthday present. Like some sick joke that bastard had gone to the government office by himself and added me to his family register. This left me the only Honjo in a room full of people who wanted to be the one in charge. All I wanted was to sit back and plot my death but everyone had looked to me expectantly, some like Nobu and Kinoshita with hope shining in their eyes. Yasu had never looked so cold to me before as he told me to unplug Ren.

Every day after that, Yasu and Takumi begged me to unplug the machines. Begged me to let Ren go because he wasn't really alive. They didn't want him dead but seeing him like that hurt them worse than if he had died. The odds were slim that his hands would ever work fully again, according to various doctors and nurses. He'd be forever dependent on us if he woke up now, with a broken leg and shattered right hand. His leg would heal though, I countered and I would do everything for him if no one else wanted to. I would feed him and bathe him, and help him do everything in between, if he'd just wake up I'd do whatever he wanted.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock went on and Ren was slipping farther and farther from my grasp. His brain might have sustained damage in the crash. If he woke up nobody could say whether his mind would function properly, the body of a man but the mind of a little boy was just one of the many outcomes they had presented to me.

"Nana, it's just a minor setback. The doctors will stabilize him and he'll be fine." Ever hopeful, Hachi had said that all day but all I could do was bite my tongue against the harsh words I wanted to scream back.

'Then why hasn't he woken up yet!' Is the one thing I kept thinking over and over since I had arrived at the hospital and seen him lying there full of wires and tubes. Hachi relinquished the chair beside him as soon as I got there. They all said the doctors had assured them he was fine. 'So why won't he wake up?' Over and over like that damned clock 'why' kept ticking in my head. Day after day, why, why, why, with every tick of that damned clock.

The moment Yasu told me of his accident all I could say was, "Please don't leave me." Gin drove straight to the hospital making no stops or detours. They took me to Ren's room through a throng of paparazzi and fans. They could all hear me say it, "Please don't leave me." I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me anymore except the tiny twitches in his hand and the subtle flutter of his eye lids.

Everything was a haze to me. Reira's apologies didn't register in my mind as Shin dragged her out of the room. I barely even felt Nobu's hand on my shoulder, kind and endearing, as he tried to offer me some sort of comforting words. Nothing mattered but the fact that Ren was breathing, it was with the help of machines but he was breathing.

The papers that I had eventually been coaxed into signing were full of complicated words and covered issues Ren and I had never discussed. Things the doctors needed to know for the worst possible outcomes. I wanted so badly to resent Ren for not doing this himself a long time ago but then I hadn't done it either, we had fooled ourselves into believing we'd grow old together. Maybe I should have listened to him more carefully, but if he had ever mentioned his preference on being stuck on life support or not I couldn't recall. Either way it pissed me off, they had all promised Ren would be fine then as if to prove them wrong the machines blared to life as I signed the last paper.

"Nana," Nobu took my hand pulling me out of my thoughts. He looked sick but then, I couldn't have looked any better. At least he had showered that week, I had given up on that sort of thing. "Let's go get something to eat. My treat." His warm hand holding mine made it impossible for me to refuse.

That and I hadn't eaten in the last twenty-four hours or so. And I had seen what they had done to Reira after her fourth day of refusing to eat. All strapped down and force-fed various liquids in her own little room, Reira mumbled to herself all day like a little broken doll, pale and growing thinner with each passing day. Takumi spent most of his time with her and only stopped in Ren's room to speak with Yasu before he'd disappear again, never bothering to greet his wife when she was there. I barely had enough strength to care though, about how miserable that kind of neglected wife had to feel.

"At least he loved me." I mumbled and Nobu's ears perked up. My statement caused tears to drip into my food that I'd been poking at. "He loved me so much and I treated him like," remembering all the times I'd complained about his pointless phone calls I choked on my words. "He missed me and I blew him off. What kind of wife does that? I couldn't just answer with a hello? I had to berate him for calling." Sighing I picked at my food not expecting Nobu to say anything due to his dumbfounded expression.

"The crazy kind who can't breathe without her husband. He knows you love him, Nana. That's why he'll wake up, and you'll be nicer." It was the mantra of the group and the prayer of all the staff members and reporters who stopped by. Politely and sympathetically, 'He'll wake up.' Over and over I heard those words but when I agreed with the fans and well wishers I tasted a bitter flavor in my mouth, even when all I did was nod. Then there was Yasu and Takumi who tried to convince me he was already gone.

I chewed on a piece of something, I didn't know what. The food before me all looked strange and unidentifiable, inedible not like food at all. Bland and colorless and like everything else in that place it smelled putrid, of sickness and death, and disinfectant. My eyes wandered in search of a clock finding the constant tick tick ticking had become more of a comfort to me than the useless words Nobu and the others had to offer. Those gentle clicks of time slowly slipping by were bringing me closer and closer to Ren every second. With time he'd either wake up and be with me or he'd die, in which case I'd throw myself from the roof to join him. The only thing that irritated me was that it was taking so long.

How long did he expect me to wait for him to decide whether we would live or die? Imagining his pulse would slow any moment and he would slip away peacefully. In their grief no one would notice, I hoped, when I slipped away to join him. At first they might hate me, Nobu especially, and I wouldn't blame them but they would find solace in the fact that Ren and I would be together.

Taken back to Ren's room where he was stable and had more tubes than I had thought possible I sat in my chair beside his bed and lightly caressed the bandages that covered most of his body. His doctor spoke softly to me but I scarcely heard a word he said too focused on the thick white casts that were binding his hands. Ren wouldn't want to wake up if they couldn't do something about those. He never could see his worth passed his hands.

Another day or two might have passed, I couldn't be sure how long I had stayed there with my eyes fixed on his hands. Burned and fractured the doctor had looked grim when Nobu had explained Ren played guitar and needed his hands more than anything. I had always and would always think they were the most beautiful hands that had ever existed. I kissed the casts and said silent prayers that he had not sacrificed them in vain. And morbidly I thought, only his hands should take my life. That would make me happy, if he awoke just long enough to strangle me and take me with him.

There was a couch in the room which was for me to use to sleep on at night but I ignored it. I had slept seated in the chair with my head resting on the bed next to Ren. Sleeping wasn't the word for it though, it was more like I closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep so people would stop talking to me. It was bad enough they forced me to eat the tasteless mush they called food, I would not let them keep me away from Ren any longer than I had to. I ate and returned to his room, I showered in his bathroom if they complained enough, changing into clothes Hachi or Nobu would bring me. Then I would sit and watch him sleep anxious and fearful and feeling my sanity die a little more with each tick of time, even though I had yet to see a clock.

Finally it had all become too much for me and I felt so tired. Involuntarily I began to weep and bitterly I realized that not one of my friends would know how to console me. If Ren were here, I thought, he would know exactly what to do. A few pretty words and some gentle teasing, the touch of his lips feather light against my ear or breathing over my lips. I climbed on his bed careful not to touch anything attached to him and snuggled close to his chest.

"I'll give you anything. I'd give you everything, if you'd just come back to me." I promised eyes drooping as sleep finally took my overwhelmed brain.