Woohoo! I'm so excited this scene finally happened. It's one of my favorite parts in the book. I think that actually might be why it was so painful to write a Hiccup-esque version of Darcy's lines because I am so devoted to them. *sigh* I hope I did this scene justice. Let me know if you enjoy it!
Chapter Fifteen
The past fortnight had Jackson's mind in a whirlwind. He wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to be thinking; the more time he found himself at Mrs. Gooding speaking with Colonel Ingerman, they more lost he felt.
"I do not know what to think of the man," he complained one early afternoon to Jennifer.
"Which one?" she questioned, not looking up from her needlepoint.
He opened his mouth to answer, but found that he couldn't. Which one was he focused more on? Both, perhaps, equally but in different contexts, or maybe the same context. He growled and slumped into his seat before he got a grip on himself and sat up.
The young woman had set aside her work, her now idle hands clasped on her lap as she patiently waited for his answer. When he gave none, she spoke up. "I've told you before, Jack, what you've heard and what you have been told are different. Misunderstanding stems from the former and can create riffs and fallacies."
"But the Colonel told me all about it! That damn bastard ripped Mr. Liely away from my sister. If anyone is influenced by fallacies, it is him," he hissed.
Jennifer's widening eyes brought his words back to him.
"I apologize for my language," he amended.
She sighed and shook her head which he took as forgiveness. "Perhaps, but you may also not have everything. You may also still be acting under your own fallacy. You can never know everything about one person from anyone else but themselves."
The young Mr. Overland had always been surprised at his friend's simplicity and understanding. She reminded him a lot of Emma, only more cynical and realistic but every bit as gentle and caring and wise. But, in this instance, he was firmly convinced that she was mistaken when it came to him. He had received all the information he needed; Mr. Haddock was a man who had torn asunder too many people's happiness because of his fallacies without so much as batting an eye or a look of remorse, and he informed Mrs. Black of this is no less words.
When he had finished, Jennifer had her needlepoint in her hands again. "I have heard enough about Mr. Haddock for now to last me a lifetime; however, I'm sure it will only be a few hours at most until I'm shackled again with information on him. Until that time, how about you speak of the Colonel now? You two seem to be getting along quite well."
"Yes, I suppose. He is an open man, easy to befriend. Unlike his cousin."
Jennifer gave a frustrated sigh.
"I apologize. But, that is all. He is not the right kind of man for me."
"Jack, perhaps it's time to accept the fact that the right man for you will never come along," she whispered, her brows furrowed—whether that was directed at him, the topic of discussion or her work, Jackson was unsure. "Or, perhaps he will and society will dictate he can be no more than a friend to you. It's time to prepare yourself for that reality however much you dislike it."
"Are you suggesting I settle down with a nice young woman?"
"Either that or content yourself with a bachelor's life. The most you will ever be to any man is a lover for the darkest part of the night, and I know that is neither what you want nor what you will accept. You love too fiercely for that. I do not want to see you hurt. "
"Can I not hope?"
"You can, but know the realistic outcome," she implored. "I do not wish to see you lonely, staring off fondly as you dream of the life you would rather have."
Mr. Overland was tiring of the seriousness of the conversation; he forced a smile across his face. "And who would you advise to take on such a dangerous mission? You know the territory but are unfortunately indisposed."
She chuckled. "I am sure Sophia would volunteer; she was always smitten with you."
"'Was'?"
"I informed her a few years ago that such a pursuit would more than likely prove futile."
Jackson's fit of laughter still had a firm hold of him when Mr. Black entered the sitting room.
"Mrs. Gooding has invited us to dine with her tonight," he announced.
Mrs. Black let out a small sigh. "She certainly has taken to hosting us more often this past fortnight then previously."
"I believe Mr. Overland intrigues her; she wishes to keep an eye on him."
His words seemed light and affectionate, but Jackson could make out the darker layer that stretched out below the surface. He wondered what he had down to earn himself such a tentative acceptance from the woman, always fearing that she would toss him from the window without a moment's notice. The young man was convinced that Mr. Black had to have spoken with her; maybe he had said something on the topic of him and Mr. Haddock. But, who would believe there was anything besides the most reluctant familiarity between them? Here he felt like every movement, glance and word he said was scrutinized by the pair. He couldn't sit through that again. He also couldn't sit through another meal with him again either; the man made his blood boil.
"Well, I will have to deny her the pleasure this evening," he said. "I fear I am not feeling my best; I will have to decline her gracious offer with the sincerest apologies."
"Your laughter when I came in would say otherwise." Mr. Black stared at him; his eyes cold as they looked down over his hawkish nose.
"It was to hide the pain; your conjecture convinces me I have been successful. Besides, I leave the day after tomorrow, and I have yet to pack my bag. I feel like changing myself, becoming a new man, and I start by not procrastinating."
Jennifer's look was all reprimanding as her husband huffed.
The house was quiet after the couple had left. Jackson was enjoying the peace as he tried to clear his mind as he focused on the words on the page in front of him. He was saddened that he had to leave. Of course, untrue to his word, he had yet to touch his clothes and had no intention of packing this afternoon. That would leave him too much time with his thoughts. No, he needed to distract himself, to forget the pounding and aching that gripped his body and mind.
The door bell pulled him from his thoughts. He set his book down on the small table next to him.
Who would that be? Everyone here he knew would be at Mrs. Gooding's. It could just be a messenger, he concluded. No reason to expect anyone.
That conclusion left him the moment Mr. Haddock walked into the room. His hat was grasped firmly in his hands, and he fiddled with the brim as the gentleman inquired after his health.
Mr. Overland was confused until he realized that had been the excuse he had given for not making an appearance at dinner. Which reminded him: why was the gentleman here and not there? He told the flitting gentleman that he felt himself improving but the nausea was resurfacing. Mr. Haddock didn't seem to catch the pointed comment as he sat down in the seat that Jennifer frequented with a mumbled, "I am glad to hear of your improvement."
He sat for barely a minute before he was up on his feet again, pacing and muttering to himself. Jackson waited quietly through it all, hoping that the man would leave soon.
But, he didn't.
Instead, Mr. Haddock came to an abrupt halt in front of him and said, "I have fought this with every fiber in my being, but I can deny it no longer. You must allow me to confess my feelings. Granted, I have never experience such things before—though certainly something I could get used to, and I may fail at eloquence. Nevertheless, I admire you, and I daresay that I love you." Despite the firmness of his words, his voice seemed to shake with unsurety.
Jackson could only sit in astonished silence as the gentleman before him continued to rant, his voice bounding with confusing ease between biting venom and characteristic sarcasm as he spoke of Jackson's not only poor station in life, but also his sex while constantly renewing confirmation that what he felt for him was sincere. He spoke of society's hate and the difficulty it would prove to be, his family's only-to-be-expected response at hearing he had convinced himself to throw his life away on the young man of inferior birth and the fact that a true marriage never existed on the horizon for them—it would not be allowed, and upon hearing of this preference, his place in the political world would drop severely.
Despite his dislike of the man standing before him, Jackson could not help but feel a brief moment of flattery at the declaration as his mind raced back to the dance at Dreki Vollr, but such thoughts were quickly banished from his mind as he recalled what Mr. Haddock had done to the poor Mr. FitzHerbert and, most importantly, to his dear sister. He couldn't reject him in the same manner he had Mr. Black. He did not wish any ill-will that could befall him or his family if he upset a man of such standing and influence; he collected himself before he opened his mouth to speak.
"In instances such as these, I feel the party I represent would be pressed to express gratitude for the sentiments just shared, whether or not they are returned. I should feel grateful that you were able to overcome society to simply express such feelings, yet I cannot bring myself to even do that. I have never had the desire to be the object of your affection, and I apologize if I led you to believe otherwise."
"You do not—" Mr. Haddock began and Jackson could see the fear building behind his eyes.
"No, I very well am inclined in such a fashion myself, but I have never desired your good graces."
Confusion puckered the man's eyebrows. "This—this is the reply I receive for pouring my heart out; so much for the fear of it being taken and dumped into the sewage," he whispered, the sarcasm cutting into each word. "So this is rejection, huh? Pain. Love it. But, may I inquire as to why I am being rejected if it is not for my sex?"
"I might also inquire as to why you decide to gift your dear affections on an unaccepting party when every fiber of your being advises you contrary. However, in answer to your question, for one, see my previous comment; how could I care, accept and return the ill-advised affections of a man? For another, if I had not already been decided against you since the very moment I saw you and even more so when I heard of your horrid treatment of Mr. FitzHerbert, do you think there is the slightest possibility I could come to care for the man who was the cause of ruining my sister's happiness?"
As his the last words of his retort flew from his lips, he saw Mr. Haddock pale; his freckles becoming more prominent because of it, but he kept quiet. Jackson took this as incentive to keep going. In all honesty, though, he could not stop; he had started and now everything was coming out—every moment of confusion, every flash of anger, ever damn moment that he felt his frustration rise at his unescapable pull towards the man in front of him.
"Nothing, no motive you could possibly have would ever excuse you for the damn torture you have inflicted on those I care for. You cannot deny that you were instrumental in pulling them away from each other when neither wanted that."
He was met by silence.
"Can you deny that?" he hissed, demanding an answer.
Brown eyes watched in shock as the man in front of him seemed to fold in on himself before pushing himself out, straight and tall. His face was an unfeeling mask as he clasped his hands behind him; his green eyes possessed the hard glint of the rock they resembled that Jackson had never seen before.
"I will not deny that I broke off what I saw to be a union that would only cause my friend pain."
"How would my sister's love cause him pain? Because you feared his status would falter if he stooped to marry her?"
"I take no pleasure in my decision."
"Did you also take no pleasure in deciding to strip Mr. FitzHerbert of his inheritance?"
Cold eyes bored into him. "You seem quite interested in that man," he accused.
"How can I not when I have learned of the misfortunes he has suffered under your hand?"
"Yes, his misfortunes are great and boundless; he can never seem to satisfy his need for pity. It's an unending, black pit."
"You are one to talk when you are the reason he is in the state he is in now!"
Mr. Haddock brought his top hat to the front of his waist. "I believe it would best for me to leave now."
"No worries, I will soon be leaving as well. You won't have to torture yourself into feeling for an inferior man much longer."
"This is what you have accepted me as?" the man shouted, taking Jackson aback for a moment. "Thank you for the lesson in my personality and history, it has been most enlightening. I certainly see why you would hate me. Though you may be the most stubborn man I have had the fortune of knowing, and though you never take the gossip you hear with a grain of salt, I am not ashamed of the feelings I have related to you this evening. Could you expect me to rejoice in the position I have placed myself in knowing full what it could do to my family?" he asked, his voice now a harsh whisper.
With nothing else said on the matter, Mr. Haddock left the room.
Jackson fell back into the chair he had been sitting in. He had somehow ended up on his feet at some point in the whole scene. He dredged up a sigh from the depth of his stomach and let it pass his lips as he heard the front door close and a carriage leave the drive.