Chapter Twenty-Three

Warnings: some sexual content, and trigger warning for mentions of ECT, though nothing graphic. Proceed with caution if that may bother you.

Agni was a ghost.

There was the distant sound of him in a conversation just down the hall, or the flash of his back growing smaller as he disappeared around a corner, but outside of these brief snippets of his presence, Sebastian could not catch him at all. Like trying to grasp smoke with his fingertips, he always just missed, the annoyance growing sharper with every near encounter.

Their shifts never quite aligned any more. They either just missed each other during the switch over or one of them was entirely absent. Even in the dining hall, Sebastian couldn't seem to catch him, and knocking on Agni's bedroom door was just as fruitless an effort as all the rest.

If Sebastian were a more sensitive man, he would think that he was being avoided.

It was in only a marginally better mood than the day before that Sebastian let himself into Ciel's bedroom that evening.

"Any luck?" Ciel asked, frowning down at a weathered old book on his desk.

Sebastian wasted no time in making himself at home, kicking his shoes off and slumping down on the bed, "None. So little luck, in fact, that it's actually regressed to bad."

"Oh dear." Ciel sounded very concerned. "Were you on the other ward today?"

Although he knew the name, Ciel never seemed to refer to Ward V by its title, his lip always curling when he said other in a tone Sebastian could never quite manage to identify.

"No," Sebastian replied shortly. Time off for good behaviour. He didn't share that suspicion with Ciel. Being called from his shift by Ash in the mornings had become so common place now that it had been a shock when it didn't happen. He had felt the weight of those rusty old scissors in his hand all day.

Ciel shut the book over with a sigh. "I supposed not. Ash was on the ward today, so figured you weren't down there either. You know he actually asked if I wanted to play chess tonight."

Sebastian snorted inelegantly.

"He's missed playing with you, bless his little cotton socks," he drawled with a shake of his head, "Are you going to grace him with your prowess?"

"The only thing worse than playing against someone with no talent is playing against someone with no talent who believes they're God's gift to the world," Ciel replied with the sort of confidence only someone who was sure in their talent could have. Arrogance was probably more accurate a word than confidence, to be fair. "Besides, it's that time of year. He'll only want to talk at me about cricket."

Sebastian rose an eyebrow, "Hmm, you don't like cricket? I thought it was one of those things that all English people liked, like queues and raffles and The Beatles."

"You learned everything you know about England from TV, didn't you?" Ciel said with an impressive amount of utter disdain. "Americans."

"Name any American city besides New York or Washington," Sebastian challenged, eyes falling shut as he snickered, "And tell me anything it's famous for that doesn't begin with 'World's Biggest'."

Ciel fell predictably silent, to Sebastian's joy.

"Getting back to actually important matters -"

"Change the topic faster, sore loser -"

"I have something for you."

When Sebastian opened his eyes, Ciel was standing over him, hand extended between them. In his palm lay a plain black box, open, a sapphire ring resting on a bed of blue satin. The ring was a sturdy thing, a signet ring with an elegant P carved on both sides of the rock, the band of silver tarnished from much wear. It looked both old but in good condition, a treasured thing.

"Why, Ciel," Sebastian said after a long beat of silence, waiting for an explanation that didn't come, "You didn't even go down on one knee."

"Don't be a prick," Ciel scolded, nudging him until there was room on the bed to sit, "This was my father's ring. His father gave it to him, and his father to him, and on and on in a wretchedly sentimental chain that is quite frankly outdated by this day and age. He," the flow of words paused, Ciel's face contorting for a brief moment, as though having to brace himself to continue. When he did, it was in a rush, throwing the words away before he could second think them, "He gave it to me when he knew it was his last chance to, and he died a few weeks later. It was the only thing I was able to keep when they brought me here. No one knows about it or they'd have probably taken it away."

Sebastian looked at the ring again. The scuffs on the silver. The grimy smudge of a fingerprint on the stone. How many times had Ciel taken this from its hiding place to hold in his hands, trying to fit it on too small fingers, to remember how it had come to him at all? Ciel may have dismissed any sentiment out of hand, but it was plain to see just how much he had placed in so small a thing, more a physical memory than it was an item.

Sebastian didn't understand why he was being shown this. This was a fragment of Ciel, and Ciel didn't give any of himself away to anyone.

"It's … very nice," Sebastian said, for once at a loss for a response.

Ciel rolled his eye, "Yes, it's a shining example of beauty, that's hardly the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"The point is, you made very clear to me yesterday that what you're most afraid of is the same happening to you as what happened to Finny," Ciel stated impatiently, as though Sebastian should have been able to read his mind by now, "And, considering we don't actually know how that happened, who did it or … well, anything surrounding that situation really, I can hardly reassure you that it won't happen to you. So. I propose that we make a trade. I give you an important item to me. In return, you'll give me something of equal value to you. Then if anything like that does happen to either one of us, we'll each carry a reminder of the other one, like the post-it note or Finny's hat, and it'll jog our memories like it did back then."

The ring was extended to him again, the fingers holding the box tightening possessively even as it was offered. Sebastian almost didn't want to take it. He didn't have something of equal value, nothing that he kept and treasured like Ciel had obviously done so with this. It seemed wrong to take it, for anyone out of that family to touch it. But without the post-it note, without the blood-stained hat, none of them would have remembered Finny, and what would have happened to him then? Locked in that room, losing himself, so forgotten that he may well have never existed.

Sebastian took the ring with cautious fingers. He almost expected Ciel to snatch it back, the covetous way he looked at it in someone else's grip, but he didn't. It was heavier than it looked, the silver cold. It would fit his fingers much better than Ciel's more slender ones but he didn't put it on, slipping it into his pants pocket with care.

Their eyes met. Ciel was waiting for him to say something, he thought, or maybe he just didn't want to have to say anything else. The silence drew out until Sebastian, itching to break it, simply said, "Thank you."

The moment broke.

"You're not keeping it," Ciel sneered, "I'll want that back, in as good a nick as it is right now, when we get out of this place."

"Oh?" Sebastian grinned, "When, not if? You're certain we will get out of here, then."

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not planning on sticking around long term," Ciel rose from the bed, stretching his arms above his head. Sebastian's eyes were drawn to the strip of skin exposed as his shirt rose, "I expect you to have something for me by tomorrow. And so help me, if you lose that -"

"I will guard it with my life," Sebastian promised with a smirk.

"Yes, you will," Ciel assured him with the air of an order.

The next day, Sebastian was not quite so fortunate as before. He had barely placed a foot inside the main ward before Angela was stood before him. Face twisted in what she must have thought a smile looked like, she placed a hand on his arm to stop him going any further. He managed not to cringe away from her touch, but only just.

"Today you'll be on Ward V, Sebastian, if you don't mind," she informed him politely. It was the type of civility that was so clinical that it reversed upon itself and became rude once again. Sebastian was only too happy to respond just as courteously.

"Not at all," he said, with a smile that ached to fall, "Will your brother be joining me?"

"Not today. He's on night shifts this week, so he'll be resting during the day," her attention was already flickering away from him now that she deemed their conversation done, looking over her shoulder with disapproval as two of the patients – Dagger and Freckles, judging by the voices – started yelling at one another, "Off you go. You're technically already late, Michaelis."

Thoroughly dismissed as he was, Sebastian had no choice but to turn back the way he had come. If nothing else, he was grateful for yesterday's reprieve, at least. And no Ash was always a good thing. Did that mean it would just be him and Doctor on the ward? He was unsure how to feel about that. Doctor could hardly do anything to him, but he would be lying if he claimed the man didn't send a chill through him. Evil was one thing, but evil that genuinely believed itself to be good was another thing altogether.

Sebastian fingered the ring in his pocket, almost letting it slip onto his index finger as he made his way further down the building.

The smell and the racket of Ward V no longer hit him as harshly as it used to. Sebastian didn't have to linger outside the door to build up his nerve like before, just scanned his keycard and walked into the pen. The bedlam inside was the same as always, some squealing like pigs, others weeping like children, then the one or two who were mute and staring. He didn't look at any one of them longer than he had to, brief glances enough to assure him nothing had changed since his last visit. V6's hair was just as messy as it always had been, even if it was cut close to her scalp now. Hardly a change at all.

"Sebby!"

Sebastian's attention shot forward. At the far end of the room, flanking Doctor in his chair, was Grell and Will. Grell's long hair was pulled back into a messy bun, his uniform altered from its standard style to have flared cuffs and old-fashioned lace around the buttons. He had dyed it red, a vibrant splash against the filthy white of the room, though patches were lighter where the dye had not taken as well as elsewhere. Will was much the same as usual, his face dark with disapproval as he eyed Grell's adjustments, his own uniform immaculate in its standard style. He looked about as happy to see Sebastian as he always was.

Sebastian's throat felt thick and he wondered for a moment if he was going to throw up.

"Sebastian, good morning!" Doctor greeted cheerfully, wheeling himself towards him, "Sorry about yesterday. You must have been bored upstairs, but there wouldn't have been much for you to do down here. I was running the monthly assessments. Business as usual now though! You've met Grell and William, I take it?"

Grell sauntered over to him, taking his arm with a toothy grin. Sebastian didn't even bother shaking him off. Nothing short of cutting his arm off would detach the redhead for good.

"Yes, they're my neighbours, in a sense," Sebastian replied with a smile, "Though I haven't seen much of them in a while."

"Did you miss me?" Grell simpered. Sebastian ignored him.

"I believe all four of us will overcrowd the room and rile the patients up," Will stated authoritatively, addressing Doctor even as he eyed the patients with apathy, "Is this many of us really necessary?"

"Oh, yes! I'm afraid so!" Doctor hurried to assure him, "In fact, I was hoping for one more pair of hands, but Ash wasn't available. The treatment today will require some … physical handling, you see, and it's better to have too many than too few, just in case the patient gets agitated."

Sebastian rolled the ring between his fingers, hand still hidden in his pocket. Physical handling. He didn't like the sound of that. He had never had to touch them before, never had to restrain them. Even being inside their cages had him on edge.

Neither Grell nor Will looked particularly bothered by the choice of words, however, and it made Sebastian think. Although he had been coming down to Ward V for a number of months now, the other Orderlies will have had the job before him. Grell, Will, Ronald, even Agni, if Ciel was right. This wasn't new to them. But it had only ever been Ash and Doctor on the ward with him. Was it over then, Sebastian wondered, eyes drawn to V6 and what was left of her dark hair, this bizarre initiation into Ward V? Did they consider him one of them now?

The threat of throwing up worsened.

"Our customer today is patient V8. I don't think you've dealt with this one before, Sebastian, come have a look," Doctor instructed, leading the way over to one of the far cages, near the other electronic door that he had yet to see opened. Somehow he thought he might be seeing through that door soon enough.

V8 was a screamer. Matted platinum hair, so greasy it was darkened to brown, hung in lank strands over an emaciated but ruddy-cheeked face. The colour in his cheeks was not a healthy thing, however, the red almost purpling as he continued to screech without pausing for breath. His features may have once been attractive, but that was a long time ago, and now it was clear that his nose had been broken many times, one of his eyes cloudy and streaming with an infection, his lips riddled with open sores. Physical handling was most unappealing, but obviously necessary, as V8 threw himself against his confines as Sebastian peered in to see.

"One of our more aggressive specimens," Doctor noted unnecessarily with a sad shake of the head, "Every effort has been made with V8 but none of our methods have had any effect. At this point, our only option is the more … radical processes. I try to avoid these. Inhumane, really, but then that's a bit of a misnomer here, isn't it?"

Doctor laughed at his own joke, but he appeared downtrodden, as though he was discouraged by what he perceived to be his failure. Grell cringed in distaste at the state of V8, but there was no pity in his eyes, only repulsion. Will barely seemed to care at all, an indifference so acute it had to have been learnt. Sebastian wasn't sure what his own expression was but he tried to mirror Will's. That lack of care was better than the other two ends of the spectrum.

"William, Grell, if you'll bring the patient. Sebastian, get the door for me." It was no surprise when Doctor wheeled himself down towards the other door, the one Sebastian had never seen beyond, had never particularly wanted to. His keycard unlocked it and he held the door for Doctor to get through. Will and Grell had entered the cage, each armed with long rods. A claw mechanism was attached at the end, the sort that was used to catch stray or vicious animals. V8 lunged for Grell, who stepped out of the way with a twirl and a snicker, while Will caught him around the neck with the rod and pinned him to the floor. As easy as that, they had caught the writhing patient and dragged him out of his cage into the back room.

Sebastian may not have had to brace himself to enter the ward that day but he had to take a moment for himself now, clutching the ring in his pocket, before he was ready to turn and see this new room.

It thankfully stopped just short of being a torture chamber. For that, St. Victoria's would have had to stretch the budget for some Iron Maidens and a dunk tank, and given in to the realm of utter cliché.

The room was illuminated by bright fluorescent beams along the ceiling, the type that reminded him of hospitals and schools, and wide windows stretched along two of the four walls. Through one he could see outside, the institute gardens, a span of patchy grass and determinedly lingering flowers. The other window was dark, an empty room with a number of chairs pointed this way, as though to view what was going on inside. On the other two walls there were posters, health and safety warnings, hygiene instructions, an x-ray screen. At the centre of the room was a reclined chair, the sort that would be found at the dentist's, and several trolleys by its side holding various types of equipment.

Doctor caught Sebastian looking and chortled good-naturedly, "Don't worry, no surgery today! The three of you, go put a smock on, and some gloves too. Sebastian, hold V8 for William when you're done."

There were hangers next to the poster detailing fire assembly points, stiff blue smocks dangling from them. Grell's nose wrinkled as he eyed the muted colour, its unflattering style, but surprisingly enough he put it on without voicing his obvious complaints. Sebastian followed suit, snapping on a pair of latex gloves.

V8's struggle against the rod increased when it changed hands from Will to Sebastian, as though the patient could sense his hesitance. When V8 suddenly lunged forward, he would have lost grip entirely were it not for Grell, who gave a swift kick to V8's chest and secured Sebastian's hands on the rod tighter.

"Careful, Sebby. Can't let It take you by surprise," Grell said, without a hint of his usual flippancy, though his hands did linger on Sebastian's for a moment too long. Sebastian tried to find the double entendre in his words but couldn't. That may have been the most disturbing thing of the day so far.

"Over here!" Doctor ordered.

Sebastian was delegated to the sidelines as Will and Grell followed Doctor's instructions in preparing V8. He couldn't help eyeing the array of tools on the trolleys; scalpels, a dermatome, dental forceps, clamps. His skin crawled at the sight of them. They were in much better condition than those scissors had been, maintained and cleaned often clearly. Which was Doctor going to choose? Would it be messy, if he thought they needed the smocks? Would anyone be watching in the viewing room as though this were nothing more than some show on their television screen?

Sebastian's thoughts of mess and instruments disappeared when he saw Will wheeling in the machine. There was nothing dubious about that.

"I have no doubt in my mind that you have heard some terrible things about this sort of therapy, Sebastian," Doctor started as soon as he saw Sebastian pale, "But that will have been from self-righteous activists with no real idea of the science of the method. ECT is proven to, in layman's terms, 'fix the faulty wiring' in a person's brain. It has been proven in countless case studies to have completely cured depression and bi-polar disorders! You get Hollywood making it out as some sort of torture but it really doesn't hurt them at all, I assure you."

Then why the restraints, Sebastian wondered as Grell tightened buckles around V8's arms, legs and chest. V8 had stopped screaming quite so loudly, was now letting out more of a gurgling groan, and his attention was no longer on them. His manic eyes stared through the window, to the institute garden. The effect it had on him was startling. All of a sudden, V8 was calmer, struggling only minutely against his binding, the noises he made not nearly as anguished. It was like a different person, not that wild beast from the cage.

"Of course this method doesn't really work well alone, and though we usually avoid drug treatments with the Ward V patients, if only because of the difficulty involved in giving them medication, I'm trying to get around Dr. Faustus to see what we can do for V8," Doctor continued as Will attached electrodes to both sides of V8's forehead and Grell administered an injection to one of his restrained arm, "I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that he is blocking me at every turn. He even went behind my back to the Chairmen! Told them there was no need to waste funding down here. Well, I've got a thing or two I'd like to say to him, I'll tell you that for free."

"As thrilling as the interdepartmental drama is, Doctor, can we proceed?" Will interjected icily, "That small a dosage won't last long on a patient this size."

"Oh, yes, quite right," Doctor cleared his throat, flustered, "Apologies, gents. Well, as I was saying, don't let the misinformed masses cast a shade on this form of treatment, Sebastian. Think of it this way; if your car's engine stopped working and it turned out a necessary wire had come loose from its proper place, would you call your mechanic a monster for putting it back as it should be?"

V8 had gone limp on the table, dull violet eyes watching the clouds block out the sun, making the room that little bit duller. The sores on his mouth had torn during his screaming and a cloudy trickle oozed down his chin. Was it pity Sebastian was feeling, or some sort of disgust? Drool began to trickle from the corner of V8's mouth, mingling with the pus in a congealing puddle, and Sebastian just couldn't tell. He wanted it to be pity, he really did.

"A car doesn't have the ability to give consent, Doctor," he replied, forgetting to hold his tongue in a moment of disgust, targeted more at himself than anyone else in the room.

Doctor just chortled, as always, "And you think these patients do, Sebastian?"

"Don't be silly, Sebby," Grell spoke up, grabbing V8's head to roughly jam the rubber bite block into Its – his – mouth. "Would you ask a horse's permission to ride it?"

"It may seem cruel now, Sebastian, but it's the end result we strive for. In the end, it's in the patient's best interests," Doctor insisted earnestly. It seemed to matter to Doctor that Sebastian see his way, that he be an ally. Sebastian wondered for a moment if maybe Doctor was trying to convince himself too, but dismissed the thought. Wishful thinking, and foolish to boot.

The three of them were looking at him now – Doctor, hopeful; Grell, curious; Will, calculative – and Sebastian knew this was a fork in the road. Stick to his guns and challenge them, and he may not leave that room at all. Lie, pretend to be swayed by their beliefs, and be safe for another day. The choice was simple, but he hesitated. Hesitated because their argument was too convincing. Because from the moment he had obeyed the order and cut V6's hair, he had chosen the most dangerous path he could have. Because he was already angry at the patients, all of the patients, for being so weak and making him the villain just for being stronger. It would be too easy to have his lie become reality, to pretend now to agree with them only to realize later that he was no longer pretending, that their truth had become his truth. And that scared him more than the trolley full of tools did.

But, the empty cage besides V9's, no, Peter's. The very real possibility of becoming Patient V10. He had yet to give Ciel a token of his own. He could still be forgotten. He still wasn't safe. A word here, an action against a creature that could hardly even notice a thing any more, and he could be. Safe long enough to give Ciel something of his and then not have to worry any more, not about that empty cage at least.

The three were still watching, still waiting, and the silence was becoming the answer Sebastian did not want to give.

Sebastian stepped forward, taking a definitive step at those crossroads.

"What voltage?"

"It doesn't bother you."

Will paused at the bottom of the stairs, deigning to glance back as Sebastian strode to fall into step beside him. Where Sebastian was looking more flustered than his usual composed self, hair in a disarray and uniform rumpled, Will was pristine and untouched. Unlike Sebastian, he had had no qualms about using force to subdue V8 when trying to return the awakening patient to his cell.

Will didn't bother to ask what Sebastian was referring to, answering shortly, "Of course not."

The treatment hadn't taken even an hour, but despite the morning being only half gone, it had felt like Sebastian had been trapped in that room all day. As soon as they were done, Doctor and Grell had disappeared, each to their own devices, and it had been left to the two of them to deal with V8. Doing so, Sebastian had once again been struck by Will's utter indifference. How was it possible to look upon such people, stripped of what had once made them human, and feel nothing?

"Did it ever?" he asked, relaxed tone not betraying how desperately he wanted the answer.

Will was loathe to spend more time with him than he had to, that much was plain to see, but he seemed to contemplate the answer before giving a begrudging reply, "I may have had reservations initially."

Sebastian snatched at that thread, pulling it sharply with, "What changed?"

Will stopped walking, looking him in the eye. There was a pause. It was not a pause of speechlessness, of being unable to find an answer, but rather one of piecing together the words to get across the meaning without giving more away than he wanted to. This conversation was going to be heavily self-censored, Sebastian could see already, but a censored answer was better than no answer at all.

"Unlike the rest of you, I'm a professional," Will stated, straightening the cuffs of his shirt primly. Or was it fidgeting? "I signed a contract. I accept the food they feed me. I sleep under their roof. I take the money they give me. They have bought me, I'm not too proud to say it, because this is a job. What we do is no different than any other profession – we trade our services for their money. The same way that a plumber repairs a pipe, or a care worker wipes the filth from those that can't do it for themselves, it is our job to keep in check those people that are too dangerous to be allowed in normal society. Has a line been crossed at St. Victoria's?" Will's voice dropped. Not a whisper, but certainly not as loud as it had been before, no chance of anyone overhearing now. "Yes. The separation of the patients, the difference in the treatments they receive; it alarmed me at first, I'll grant you that, but I got over it. I shook off my doubts and carried on, because I had a job to do. And you do too."

Having said his piece, Will gave Sebastian a sharp nod and made to walk away, but Sebastian couldn't swallow that answer.

"They bought you – that's it? Either we're on very different wages or your humanity is a lot cheaper than mine is," Sebastian spat, though a rueful grin twisted at his lips, "The pay isn't that good. What's the real reason?" His temper was growing beyond his ability to reign it in. Money wasn't the real reason. It couldn't be the real reason. Not for the things Will must have done. Things Sebastian was going to be expected to do soon enough too. "Were you a runt growing up, is that it? Your parents didn't hug you enough. The kids at school were mean to you. But now you're the one with the power – is that it?!"

Sebastian caught the hand that went for his throat, stopping Will from getting him in a strangle hold, but Will still managed to shove him back against the wall. Faces inches apart, so close they were sharing breaths, Will almost cracked a smile.

"You're so angry," he said, voice as much a monotone as ever despite the wicked glint in his eyes, "And that's just it. We think we're better than it, but we're not. No one us. It's the anger that does it. And you're much angrier than I ever was."

Sebastian shoved him away with a snarl. He didn't even lose his footing.

"You've lasted longer than most," Will allowed with a dismissive shrug, already turning to walk away. Sebastian didn't stop him this time. "But I doubt you will much longer."

It wasn't even mocking. That was the worst of it. Any of the other staff and Sebastian could have just brushed it off as them trying to bait him, trying to frighten him. Not Will, though. Will didn't care enough about him to exert the effort. The things he had said were truth because, to Will, Sebastian was not worth the breath it would have taken to lie. Sebastian couldn't just dismiss what he had said.

It's the anger that does it. And you're much angrier than I ever was.

His hands were balled into fists at his sides, he realized, without him consciously doing so. He unclenched them with effort. Took a deep breath, and then another, and another, until the haze of red over his eyes had evaporated. He had never considered himself to be so foul-tempered, but he was sinking into bad moods at the drop of a hat more and more often. If it was really anger that broke them, as Will insisted it was, then he needed to get a handle on himself before he crossed that quickly dwindling line.

Sebastian stood in the empty stairwell for more than a few minutes, just counting his breaths and fingering the ring in his pocket. It was only just gone eleven o'clock, not even afternoon yet, so he knew he would be expected to make an appearance on the main ward at some point. Before that, however, he planned to make a couple of diversions.

First, to his bedroom.

Sebastian was not a sentimental man. He didn't place much value in belongings, beyond their obvious uses. Phones were useful for communicating, bags were useful for keeping things safe, clothes were useful for adhering to public decency laws. But that was as far as his regard went, no deep feelings attached to any of his things. They were just that - things. He owned nothing so heavy with memories and heart as Ciel's ring. Yet he had to give something to Ciel in return, something that Ciel could attach the memory of him to in case the worst happened.

His bedroom was no less sparse than it had been over a year ago, when he had first moved in. The neatly made bed, the empty bookcase, only half the available drawers occupied by clothes. The drawer rattled when he pulled it open, however, a metallic clinking of something knocking about inside.

It only served to drive home Sebastian's utter lack of sentimentality and regard for material things that he had completely forgotten about the cheap little pocket watch tucked away at the back of the drawer behind a row of balled-up socks.

He remembered it now, though. Nothing remotely special. Having just landed at Heathrow, waiting for the train that would take him to meet whichever representative St. Victoria's had sent for him, his wrist watch had stopped working. Never one to be without a watch, Sebastian had wandered around the Duty Free shops and found the pocket watch, designed to look more elegant than it really was and only five pounds. He had bought it, placed it in the drawer when he had arrived, and promptly forgotten all about it.

"That'll do," Sebastian muttered to himself, snatching it from the drawer and shoving it in the pocket with the ring.

The next stop was the gardens.

Although they had never been anything resembling beautiful, the gardens had become a barren mess since Finny's departure. Without his loyal tending, nothing lived for long. What little grass there was was more brown than green, dirt prevalent. There were no flowers at all. The trees were hulking sentinels, the sort that scratched on windows on windy nights and frightened children.

Fitting, then.

The ring and the watch knocked together with a clink with every step he took, his feet drawing him to the brick walls boxing them in. It would have been easy to throw himself up, catch the wall edge with his hands and vault over, just like Finny, Bard and Meirin had done. Just a jump, that was all it had took for them to be free. Where were they now? Had Finny recovered? It felt like it had been years since that night, but in actuality it had only been a number of months. Maybe they had been caught, if anyone cared enough to catch them.

Somehow, Sebastian doubted he would be allowed to escape unpursued.

He came upon the window a short while later. It had seemed monumentally important to see that surgery room from the other side, but now that he was here, looking into the vacant and dark room, he couldn't remember why.

Still, he lingered for a while before heading up to the main ward, staring through the glass sightlessly. Nothing was hidden. The reclined chair, stained where V8 had soiled himself during the procedure, and the trolley of tools beside it could be easily seen from where Sebastian was standing, almost a yard away. It was no secret at all.

"Oi, oi, stop that, you'll bleed yourself!" Soma admonished, slapping lightly at Ciel's hands. Ciel startled. He had been biting at his nails unconsciously and it took a moment to realize what Soma was scolding him for. He'd torn far enough down on his thumb nail for it to hurt, but it hadn't bled. Wondering at himself, Ciel shoved his hands down his sides, wedged between his body and the chair where he wouldn't be able to get at them again.

"Is something the matter?" Agni asked, soft-voiced and concerned.

It was just the three of them in the corner, the rest of the patients spread out across the room, or in the case of one patient, not there at all. Ciel glanced towards Alois' bedroom door. He hadn't seen him all day. All week, now that he thought about it. Ciel hadn't noticed he was keeping a distance until Alois had begun to do so too.

"No, nothing," Ciel answered absently, gnawing on his lip as a substitute for his fingernails. He didn't see the glance Soma and Agni shared. If he had, he would have been more subtle in his worry. It was unlike him to be so outwardly concerned.

"Ah!" Soma exclaimed suddenly, grasping for something to say to grab Ciel's attention, "We're in the gardens tomorrow, aren't we, Agni?"

Agni was only too happy to follow Soma's lead, replying just as enthusiastically, "Yes! I'm on that shift. I checked the weather forecast and it looks like it's going to be a good day for it."

"I hope it'll be sunny," Soma said dreamily, "I haven't sunbathed in ages. Though the gardens are such a mess. You'd think they'd hire a gardener."

Agni laughed, a little uncomfortably. Gardeners were a sensitive topic for St. Victoria's, he imagined.

The conversation ended as Ciel jumped to his feet, a determined look on his face. They all knew that never boded well.

"Where're you going?" Soma asked, grabbing Ciel's sleeve.

"Haven't seen Alois in a while," Ciel answered flippantly, "Going to check he's still alive."

Soma spluttered as Ciel strode towards Alois' bedroom door, though he didn't try to stop him. More than a few of the other patients were watching by the time Ciel knocked on the door.

"Alois?" Ciel called when his knock went unanswered. He could hear movement within the room, but it became increasingly obvious as the seconds grew into minutes that Alois had no plans to respond. Ciel frowned, irritation swelling. Being ignored was not something he was at all accustomed to. "Alois, did you hear me?"

Still no answer. His hand went to the door handle. Before he could open the door, however, another hand covered his.

"Somethin' tells me he's not much in the mood for company today, yeah?" Joker moved Ciel's hand from the handle, an apologetic look on his face. He inclined his head towards the ward door. "Besides, your mate's here."

Ciel snatched his hand away, eyeing Joker with displeasure. He gave the door a final look before following Sebastian into his bedroom.

"What was going on there?" Sebastian asked once the door was closed, toeing off his shoes. Ciel was quick to take the bed before he could, sprawling across it to leave him no room. He opted for the chair without complaint, his shoulder cracking as he stretched.

"I think I'm in a fight with Alois," Ciel shared, bemused, "Though I haven't the faintest idea when it started or why."

Sebastian frowned, "Probably round about the time you started ignoring him?"

Ciel propped himself up on his elbows, genuinely confused, "What are you talking about, I haven't been ignoring him. He started getting weird once my sessions with Faustus were increased, so I gave him some space to sort himself out. That's all. I have no idea why he's being like this now. Surely he's not still sulking?"

Sebastian wrinkled his nose, fighting a laugh, "That's a really long-winded way of saying 'I ignored him and now I'm annoyed he's ignoring me back.' Not used to the silent treatment? I find it hard to believe you've never been on the receiving end of it before. I mean, as … charming as I find you, your temperament must be an acquired taste, to say the least."

"I have no idea what you mean," Ciel replied, deadpan, "I'm nothing less than lovely to everyone. If there's a problem, then it's them."

"What a wonderfully balanced way of looking at things," Sebastian snickered, "You clearly have no fault here. Alois must be shown the error of his ways. How dare he ignore you back. Who does he think he is – Ciel Phantomhive?"

Ciel rolled his eye, lip curling in amusement despite himself.

"I'll talk to him later," he said, dismissing the situation from this thoughts for now, "So, did you bring me something?"

Sebastian obediently withdrew the watch from his pocket, spilling it into Ciel's waiting hands. Ciel turned it over between his fingers, tracing the design on the case, clicking it open to inspect the interior. There was really nothing special about it, just a bog-standard pocket watch for people who thought they liked antiques but were unwilling to actually pay for an antique. It didn't even tell the time any more, he noticed, the hands motionless beneath the glass.

Ciel was staring at him expectantly. When Sebastian remained silent, his eyebrow rose, prompting.

"What?" Sebastian asked, unsure what was being asked of him.

"So?" Ciel sighed in exasperation, spelling the request out for him, "So what's the story behind it? It has to be important or it won't work."

"You're joking, right?" Sebastian laughed, "It just has to be a … thing. Not that I don't understand the significance of your ring, I do, but let's be honest, you remembered Finny because of some ratty post-it note with nothing but some gossip about a soap on it. If we learned anything from that, it's that it doesn't have to be some grand and treasured item -"

"Whose to say the note wasn't a treasured item?" Ciel didn't sound angry, but he was far from pleased. "It wasn't what the note said that made it important, Sebastian, it was the fact of the note. I'm not a sentimental person, but in the situation I'm in, the regard I'm given as something somehow less human than other people, it always … it always meant something that Finny treated me like he did. There was nothing to be gained from it, but Finny was kind to me nonetheless. So it was some ratty post-it note, but it still had meaning. So this watch better have meaning or it's useless to us."

For all that Ciel liked to drive home his lack of sentimentality, he certainly placed sentiment in a great many things. The more Ciel let down his guard around Sebastian, the more he could see what a liar Ciel made of himself, the chasm between his words and his actions. Sebastian used to fight to see those small moments of humanity in Ciel, but now it made him uncomfortable. Like the more human Ciel became to him, the less human he was becoming within St. Victoria's walls.

"It's … not a great story," Sebastian began, propping his feet up on the desk. It was a rare thing to have Ciel's undivided attention, but he had it then. "Growing up, it was just my mother and I. We got by week by week. As soon as I was old enough, I started working, so that I could help bring money into the house. My first job was at this grocery store around the corner from our apartment. Horrible place, horrible boss, and abysmal pay. But it was a job, my first job, so when I got my first pay cheque, I wanted to do something special with it. Something to mark the moment, I suppose. And I bought that," he gestured towards the watch in Ciel's hand, "Immediately regretted it because it stopped working a week later, and the cost of getting a battery replacement was twice as much as the watch had cost in the first place, but there you go. That's the story. Not great, but … there's some meaning there. Good enough?"

Ciel tossed the watch carelessly to the floor with a bark of laughter, "You could at least try. Good lord, don't bullshit a bullshitter. The thing is dated 2011. It'd have to be at least seven years old for that story to work."

Sebastian shrugged, unconcerned, "You wanted a story, I gave you one. The real one? Picked it up at the airport before coming here because my wristwatch stopped working. Put it in a drawer when I got here and haven't touched it since. As you can see, that version lacked sentiment."

"Much more in character, though," Ciel pointed out, stretching his arms above his head, his toes curling as he yawned. His shirt rode up again. It annoyed Sebastian that he kept noticing such an unsexual thing in that way. It had to be testament to how desperate he was. "How about we give it a memory, then?"

Sebastian's face lit up, "Why, Ciel, did you just manage to come on to me without being utterly awkward about it?"

"Why, Sebastian, did you know there's a direct correlation between how annoying you are and the chances of you getting laid?"

"Then I should probably stop talking immediately." Sebastian was already undoing the buttons on his shirt without needing to be asked, shrugging his shirt off and dropping it to the floor. He paused then, bent down and picked it up, folding it neatly over the back of the chair.

Ciel laughed, "Did I miss the part where we established points for cleanliness?"

"If there's a points system in play here, I feel I'm entitled to a fair number of points for keeping my hands to myself this long," Sebastian replied, "But no, I just think it's better if I don't walk out of your bedroom later looking blatantly deflowered, that's all."

Ciel latched on to the first comment as he stood up and let Sebastian sprawl across the bed in his place.

"What, you've been wanting to? You should have said. I'm not psychic." Ciel clambered on top of him, straddling Sebastian's waist with little finesse. He fumbled then, unsure what to do next, so Sebastian took the lead, grinding his hips up into Ciel's. He took care to keep his grip on Ciel loose, non-restrictive.

"Didn't know I was allowed to. Thought it was probably against those rules of yours."

"No, there were only three – no kissing, no anal, no nudity – outside of that, anything's free game." Ciel's voice stuttered breathlessly as Sebastian began moving with more purpose, hand on Ciel's lower back to keep him in the right position. It took more self-control than Sebastian knew he had to resist the urge to roll them over and have Ciel under him, but for all that he said anything else was free game, he knew Ciel wouldn't like being pinned beneath him.

"So all I have to do is ask, is that what you're saying?"

"Consider this permission to tell me when you're horny," Ciel tried to frown, but the expression was difficult to hold as they began to move faster against one another, "I'm going to regret saying that, aren't I? Tell me whenever you want, doesn't mean I'll always do anything about it."

"Sounds like a fair enough deal to me." Sebastian grinned, lifting his head up to nuzzle at Ciel's neck. Ciel usually flinched when he did that, assuming he was going to break rule number one, but this time he just tilted his head to the side to give Sebastian more room.

"Would you stop?" Ciel groaned abruptly, and Sebastian froze. Ciel sounded even more annoyed when he continued, "No, not that. Just … do you have to stare at me while we're doing this? It's weird."

Ciel was flushed, and maybe it wasn't all due to the exertion of what they were doing.

Sebastian grinned again, "I'm sorry, are you forbidding eye contact now?"

Ciel put a hand to Sebastian's chest and shoved him back down to the bed, his cheeks even redder now.

"Who the hell stares at someone like that when they're fucking? It's weird. You see my face all the time. Surely you should be taking the opportunity to look at other places, given the situation."

"This is the most tyrannical sex I've ever had," Sebastian sneered, though he didn't sound particularly unhappy about it, hand moving down to undo his trousers, "But I'm going to take that as invitation."

Unfastening the knotted chord on Ciel's pants, he pushed them down too, both of them bare. He took them both in hand and gave them a rough stroke. He purposefully caught Ciel's eye, delighting in how the red in his cheeks intensified. He brought his face closer to Ciel's, close enough to kiss, but Ciel was confident in the knowledge that he wouldn't dare. True enough, he just rested his forehead against Ciel's as he brought them both to completion, breaths mingling together in the inches between them.

Ciel rolled off of him, slumped at the edge of the mattress. Sebastian shuffled over to make more room for him, the two short-breathed and glistening with sweat. They lay in silence for a few minutes before Sebastian felt the need to speak.

"I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

"You smoke?" Ciel asked, unsurprised. If smokers had a type, Sebastian would fit it to a T.

"On and off. Quitting's easy, but sometimes you just fancy one," Sebastian gave a breathy laugh, "Can't picture you as a smoker though. You'd probably end up choking to death."

"I'd have to have a death wish to smoke, as healthy as I am," Ciel acquiesced, "Don't smoke so long as you're going to be near me. I can't stand the smell."

"Yes, boss."

The silence fell again. And once again, Sebastian felt the need to break it, even though Ciel was ready for a nap.

"So … think that'll serve as memory enough?" Ciel wasn't looking at Sebastian, but he didn't have to be to know he had a shit-eating grin stretching from ear to ear.

"I'm already in the process of repressing the entire thing," Ciel replied, smirking as Sebastian's only response was to mimic him sarcastically. "I'm not feeling conversational right now. You wanted to talk to Agni, right?"

"Little tip," Sebastian grimaced, wiping the mess off of his hand onto the bedsheets, "Try not to name drop people right after we've slept together. Not that Agni's not a good looking man, but it tends to ruin the afterglow."

"Either afterglow quietly or take your chatter to someone else." Ciel yawned, curling up on his side. "Seriously, though. You've not been able to catch Agni, have you?"

"No." Sebastian frowned. "Is he on the ward? I didn't see him when I came in, and he's not on the rota for today."

"He was out there before." Ciel shrugged. His voice was already becoming sluggish. He'd be asleep within minutes, Sebastian knew, so he took the opportunity to climb over him now, before the risk of waking him up set in.

Grabbing his shirt off the back of the chair, Sebastian made his way into the bathroom. After a quick clean up, he looked more or less presentable, at least in the sense that it wouldn't be blatantly obvious to see what he'd just been up to. He felt hurried, a sneaking suspicion that Agni would be long gone by the time he left Ciel's room. He'd been in there no more than a half hour, but that was more than enough time for Agni to find a reason to excuse himself from the ward and disappear, just like he had been doing for days now.

For the first time since getting off that train in London, luck struck for Sebastian Michaelis. A quick glance around the leisure room and he saw Agni making for the ward door. Not fast enough for Sebastian to miss him, however.

"Agni!" Sebastian called from across the room, loud enough to leave no doubt that Agni, and everyone else scattered around the room, would hear him. Yet Agni didn't pause, having the gall to pretend he hadn't heard Sebastian. There was no doubt he was being avoided now.

"Whoa there, slow ya roll," Freckles skipped over to him, pausing Agni long enough for Sebastian to cut across the room to him, "Think Black wants somethin'."

"Ah, yes, sorry, Sebastian," Agni was circling the fingers of one hand around the wrist of the other, a nervous tick Sebastian had picked up on years ago. It was especially irritating in that moment. "There's something I need to do -"

"Then I'll walk with you." Sebastian smiled placidly, turning to Freckles to ignore Agni's half-hearted protests. "Thanks for that, Freckles."

Freckles was glancing between them, the tension like a fourth member of their company. An uncomfortable laugh bubbled from her lips, "Er, no problem. Think Jumbo wants me so …"

"Have a nice day," Sebastian said, waving her away. Something of a consolation, Agni hadn't tried to make a break for it while Sebastian had been talking, defeat in the slump of his shoulders and the furrow of his brow. When Sebastian made to scan them out of the ward, Agni stopped him. "What, I thought you had somewhere you needed to be?"

"It can wait," Agni replied, tone an almost convincing echo of his usual cheer. "What's up?"

"It feels like we haven't had a chance to talk in a while," Sebastian diverted with an edge in his voice, "It's like you keep disappearing around corners. Been busy?"

Agni gave a smile little better than a grimace, "Busier than usual, yes. Undertaker has been here for his annual review. I was asked to oversee."

Sebastian didn't let himself frown. That almost sounded legitimate, and Agni was an astonishingly poor liar. But it rang false to him, who knew Agni had been only a step or two beyond him the entire time he had been trying to catch the man. He hadn't seen hide nor hair of Undertaker, either. That Chairman was a hard person to miss, it had to be said. He was hardly going to straight out call Agni a liar, though, so he just nodded with that same placid, aching smile.

"Can't imagine that's been much fun. Is he still …" Sebastian pulled a face. It spoke for itself.

"Yes, he is." Agni pulled a face of his own. Sebastian could almost believe the exasperation there. "Nice enough man, but exhausting."

"I don't envy you that job."

"So, what was it you needed?" Agni asked patiently, though his eyes flicked to the door in a transparent desire to get away.

Sebastian knew what he needed to ask, but Agni's demeanour was throwing him off, so unlike his usual self. Always on the passive side, he had never been so blatant in his desire to be away from someone, especially not Sebastian, who was his closest if only friend. With the doubts in himself growing, it stung more than it should have, and rotted his reserve of tact down to nothing.

"Well, tell Undertaker hello from me," Sebastian leaned his weight back against the door, crossing his feet at the ankles, "I've been busy too. Have you noticed?"

Agni looked momentarily disarmed, as though he had expected Sebastian to say something different than he had.

"Um, well, you haven't been on the ward very often. I thought you were probably doing night shifts again."

"No, not night shifts," Sebastian answered, sounding bored, "I've been down on the other ward." As he said those words, he watched Agni's face, searching for even the faintest twitch. Even the barest hint of recognition or alarm would be answer enough. It was not a difficult search. There was nothing faint about it, a shout rather than a whisper. Agni's face became ashen disconcertingly quick. Alarm was present in his eyes, as expected, but curiously enough, so was guilt.

And immediately, Sebastian was unsure of the footing beneath him. Why was guilt what filled him when the other ward was brought up? Was Ciel wrong – had Agni not gotten away from that hellish room unscathed? Or rather, with his hands still clean?

"Oh, right," was all Agni had to say in response.

"Yes, lovely little place. Friendly atmosphere, if not in need of a bit of a hoovering. So you know about it then?" Sebastian asked, maintaining as much levity as he could. Guilt, why guilt? The more he puzzled over it, the more it felt like the ground was crumbling away beneath his feet, leaving less and less room to stand upon.

"Know of it," Agni gave a little shrug, attention flicking away once more, "I've never had much to do with it myself. I've always been up here."

Liar.

Sebastian's temper grew short, but it was the panic that knocked him for six. It was only as the chances of it were slipping away that he realized how much hope he had placed in Agni providing him with some miracle solution.

"That's odd," Sebastian replied with a casualness he did not feel. If Agni was going to lie to his face, then why shouldn't he do the same? "Doctor said otherwise."

Agni's jaw clenched.

"He must be mistaken."

Sebastian hadn't heard that tone from Agni since their argument over Soma. And speak of the devil, that same person was slowly approaching them, steps hesitant and eyes bright with worry.
"Agni, just tell me," Sebastian snapped, patience gone, "I don't care what you did. I just need to know how you got out of being made to go down there."

Agni's mouth moved silently for a moment. It wasn't speechlessness but too many words ready to be given yet swallowed back. An answer, Sebastian's answer, the one he needed more than anything right now. But Agni reigned it in, harboured it to himself like a treasure.

What he did say was no comfort at all.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian."

And then Soma was there, invading their moment, closing the conversation before Sebastian could respond. Before he could demand the growing answers he needed.

What did you do?

Can I do it to?

Why do you look so guilty?

AN:

omg the chapter that wouldn't fucking end. Apologies for that piss poor excuse of a sex scene. I'm apparently incapable of writing sex scenes without giggling over the word cock and deleting any synonyms entirely. But still, they did the do, and there was eye contact, so I finally made good on my promise to Alex! But yeah, sorry about it still, it's really not my division.

even more apologies for yet another months long wait between chapters. i'd say the next chapter won't take as long, but let's be honest, i'd just make a liar out of myself, so i won't say when it'll be up. but thanks to everyone who's sticking with it. hope you still enjoy the story, guys!