Chapter Twenty-Eight

(AN): yo. coz this has been bothering me, like, a lot, i'll mention it here: i've actually never delved that deep into the kuro fandom outside of writing this fic, so it wasn't until recently that i came across the fact that grell is canonically transgender. dodgy representation problems aside, from now on i'll be referring to grell as female, so yeah, it's not typos or anything, and i plan on revamping the fic when it's done so will be changing all the earlier chapters to reflect this. right, so, enjoy the chapter!

The pocket watch had stopped working within days of Sebastian buying it. The watch had been so cheap that it would have cost more to replace the battery than it had to buy it in the first place, not that working at St. Victoria's afforded much opportunity to nip down to the city centre anyway. So almost two years later and it had long stopped ticking.

Even so, Ciel stared at the static hands, frozen at four o'clock. The decorative swirls of the open case left indents on his skin, fingers squeezing the useless watch so tightly.

How long had it been now? A good few hours, surely.

Still no movements beyond the bedroom door.

Things are never how they seem.

There was a pencil on the desk. Beside it, a flimsy plastic pencil sharpener. In sure hands, both were better weapons than a pillow.

If it had been me, I'd have broken the pencil sharpener open and used the blade.

If Alois had looked in the drawers of the desk, his choices would have multiplied. The pocket watch itself had a long golden chain. The perfect length for wrapping around a neck. In the bottom left drawer, if Ciel recalled correctly, there was a heavy glass paperweight. Sure, bludgeoning was messy, but Alois had never seemed to mind that.

If he really wanted to go big, there was always the bath.

It would have involved dragging him in there and a battle of strengths, but Ciel wasn't so confident in his brawn that he thought he could have won. That would have been mess free, at least, but then it wasn't all that different from smothering with a pillow.

A pillow? Really?

Of all the ways to try to kill him, smothering him with a pillow was really the lowest on the list of Ciel's expectations. Perhaps it was arrogant to think yourself above certain methods of murder, but it was almost insulting to think about going out that way.

The sky was brightening through the high window. The doors were due to unlock soon, surely. Is this how the other patients had spent their nights for years, waiting to be allowed to start their days?

Things are never how they seem.

How many times had he told himself that now? The panic on Alois' face as he'd fled the bedroom, the pillow abandoned across the room when it should have been beneath Ciel's head; there were surely a hundred different scenarios that ended with that moment.

He couldn't think of a single one right then, but he was certain they must be there.

Exhaling heavily through his nose, Ciel let the watch drop to the floor. His knees ached from sitting cross-legged for so long, objecting sorely as he stood.

At that moment, the beeping started up, the metallic grinding of the locks sliding out of place. It had barely settled before Ciel had flung the door open, in the leisure room like a bullet from a gun.

He wasn't the only one.

'What the hell was goin' on?' Freckles swept to his side, sleepless weight beneath her eyes, 'I heard the bangin'. Alois shoutin'. But it was comin' from your room. What did he do?'

It took a moment too long before Ciel realized she was staring at his eye. He flushed, oddly embarrassed to have it seen, looking around for the eye-patch.

'I won't look.' Slipping past him, Freckles disappeared into his blind spot, reappearing with the eye-patch. Rather than hand it over, she looped the cords behind his ears herself, only looking him in the eye when she had positioned the patch properly. She still lingered, brushing the hair back from his face. 'Ciel, what happened last night?'

The use of his name was like missing a step on the stairs.

Freckles had been there when Alois had attacked Soma, he recalled. She'd tried to pull him back when he'd gone over to Alois, implored him to keep a safe distance. Hearing Alois in Ciel's room after that, hearing the shouts and banging, what must she have thought?

Ciel took a deep breath. Rather than move away from her, he reached up to take her hand.

'Nothing ha -' Ciel stopped himself, the lie coming too easily. Honesty was always harder to find, 'I don't know. He came to my room just before curfew. He wasn't alright but he wouldn't say why. It didn't feel right to leave him alone when he was in that state, so I let him stay in my room. I dozed off. Next thing I know, he's screaming to be let out.'

Freckles' face softened, her hand squeezing his gently. Seeing the relief there, the depth of the worry that had stolen her sleep, Ciel almost felt guilty for omitting the most important detail.

'I don't know how we can help him, Smile,' she said, glancing over her shoulder to Alois' bedroom door, 'I don't know if we can.'

'Won't know 'til we try.' He sounded more sure than he felt. Letting go of Freckles' hand, Ciel crossed the room to Alois' door. It was barely ten steps away yet those steps felt as long as the hours he had spent staring at a broken watch. Freckles was at his heels, eyeing the door warily.

Alois, Ciel thought with a clench in his chest, you've made them scared of you.

He twisted the door handle.

'Eh?' Freckles peered over his shoulder, 'What's up?'

Ciel frowned, pushing at the door.

'...Locked.'

Freckles reached under his arm to try the door herself, shoving at it much more forcefully. Even so, it still didn't shift.

They looked at one another, their apprehension mirrored.

Freckles left Ciel's side, doing a lap of the room to try the other bedrooms. She left behind a trail of ajar doors and awakened inhabitants. Joker was the first to emerge, shuffling over to them blearily, lame skeletal arm hanging low at his side without the sling.

'What're you two doin' up so early?' He wiped dried drool away from the corners of his mouth, words lost in a yawn, 'Piss the bed or summit?'

Freckles answered, 'We're worried about Alois. We heard him shoutin' last night. Now his door is locked. I thought maybe there was somethin' wrong with the locks, but everyone else is fine...'

Joker squeezed his eyes shut, forcing away the lingering dregs of sleep.

'I told ya to leave him be, doll,' Joker said, something tired about it, an argument he was sick of having, 'It's different for Smile - they're mates - but the kid's nothin' to you and he's dangerous. Y'saw what he did to Soma, and Soma was just tryina help him too.'

'I wasn't gonna go in,' Freckles replied surlily, 'I'm just sayin', his door won't open. Lost cause or not, we can't ignore that.'

Joker looked between the two of them. He seemed to know, in that odd way Joker could have sometimes, that he was missing a page from the book. Still, he didn't give voice to his obvious suspicion, gesturing them aside.

Just like their attempts, Joker failed to open the door.

Puzzled, he turned to check through the small windows at the curve of the roof. The sky was already losing its tie-dye glow, settling into a steady blue as light stretched the furniture into shadows.

'Huh.' Joker didn't seem to know what to say. He was fully awake now, at least.

Around them, the rest of the patients were rousing. Beast appeared from her bedroom, hair in untamed tangles around her shoulders. It wouldn't be long before Dagger followed suit. Snake peered out his open door, eyeing the group uncertainly.

Everyone else was perfectly free to leave their rooms. Everyone but Alois.

'Let's not panic, yeah?' Joker said below his breath, signalling the two closer, 'Smile, give him a yell. He's more likely to answer you.'

False bravado aside, Joker's face had drained of colour. It was the lack of precedent. Something like this had never happened before. What it meant, what would happen, how it would inevitably turn against them somehow; he had no way of knowing.

Ciel nodded, giving the door a sharp knock.

'Alois, are you awake?'

Freckles looked ready to press her ear against the door as they waited for a response. She was only inches away. If the door did open, she'd have fallen through. But there was no response. Only silence met Ciel's question, the sort of silence that answered more than words could.

Joker grinned.

'Well, he was never an early riser. It's Agni's shift today, if I'm rememberin' right, so we'll ask him to open the door for us.'

'No,' Ciel tried the handle again, his stomach turning to water, 'Only the skeleton keys can override the lock system. The keycards don't work on the bedroom doors. Ash or Angela are the only ones who can do that.'

Freckles tried to copy Joker's smile, 'Dibs not asking them.'

'A glitch in the lock system, d'ya reckon?' Yet again, the handle was roughly shook, this time by Joker. He even kicked at the door for good measure. 'Confidence inspirin', that.'

Soma, Dagger, Jumbo and Wendy had left their rooms now too. They were all muttering amongst themselves, alarm spiking in the air. Sensing the growing disquiet, Joker patted Ciel and Freckles each on the shoulder.

'I'm gonna go fill them in. You two keep tryin' the door. For all we know, the problem'll fix itself, y'know?' Joker hesitated to leave, eyeing the shut door, 'If it does open, don't go in without me. After yesterday, it ain't wise for any of us to be alone with the kid.'

Ciel and Freckles shared a look. Wordlessly, they agreed to keep what happened the night before between them. Joker didn't need any more reason to mistrust Alois.

'Wish me luck.' Joker grimaced, walking over to the waiting group. It was difficult for their building panic not to infect Ciel. He couldn't stop himself from trying the door again, sure each time that the handle would turn completely.

'Smile, it's really quiet in there.'

'... He's a deep sleeper.'

People could be so silent as they slept. Especially if they didn't snore. Especially if they didn't dream. It didn't matter that Ciel knew Alois to do both, and loudly too. Some nights were flukes. The entire night had been a fluke.

The group's muttering had turned to an anxious buzz, even as Joker tried his best to soothe them. Ciel couldn't make out what they were saying but the noise scraped against his skin, each panicked exclamation leaving him that bit rawer.

He shoved against the door, the force making his shoulder tingle.

'Smile, don -'

Again. The door trembled with the aftershock of his shoulder, but still, the handle wouldn't turn.

'Oi!'

Freckles grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to pull him away, but she ended up stumbling forward with him as he lurched back towards the door.

With Ciel slamming against the door and the arguing among the rest of the patients, no one heard the tell-tale beeping. Between one slam and the next, the handle suddenly turned fully. Ciel didn't have a chance to regain his footing as the door opened, sending both him and Freckles sprawling to the floor.

'Shit, sorry, Smile.' Freckles hurried to move, having fallen atop him, but she stilled as he grabbed her wrist. His hand trembled around her. 'Smile?'

The air was wrong. Every breath was thick with something, catching on his tongue, clinging to his throat, sitting heavy on his chest. By the time it reached his lungs, it had rotted, if air could rot.

Ciel didn't want to look up.

He had been in this room before. Not Alois' room, with its worn carpet and bare walls. But this room with a presence that had no right being there. The presence that you felt before you saw, like a warning light to stay away.

Too late now. They had already opened the door.

'Smile,' Freckles said softly, trying to shift her weight off of him without making him let go, 'He's still sleepin'. Should we leave him?'

The presence grew larger. Sleeping. No one slept in Its presence.

He couldn't make himself look up.

'It opened?' Joker had come over, the others trailing behind him warily. It was like they thought something deadly was going to leap out at them. 'Oops, up you get.'

Joker left Ciel no choice, hefting him up with his good arm.

One look at his face and what little colour had returned to Joker's drained away.

Couldn't he feel it? That looming mass, spreading to every corner of the room, leeching the very heart from them.

'Everybody out,' Joker said flatly, staring at Ciel as though afraid to look away. Look away and he might look over to the bed, to its still sleeper. 'Now.'

And for the first time in years, Joker's leadership failed.

'Why wouldn't the door open?'

'They locked him in, right? Just him, why?!'

'What did he do?'

'What did they do?'

'Why isn't he waking up?'

Then the first scream. Ciel wasn't sure who it was. Too many of them had gone over to Alois at once for him to tell. Not that it mattered. After the first scream, there was another, and another. Breathless muttering. Someone retched. Joker shouted, a call for order, but no one listened.

Soma was the first to cry.

But the line.

Ciel still couldn't look towards the bed. His eye was fixed on Joker's arm, the tinged yellow bone, the way it swung independent of Joker's control. As though it would reach out at any moment, ruined fingers clawing -!

It was better than looking towards the bed.

The line they drew.

This wasn't how the game was played. They had broken the rules they themselves had decided. The ward was safe, the ward was the patient's, the ward was off limits. No harm came to them on the ward. That was how it had always been.

They crossed their own line.

'No, c'mon, we can't be in here when the staff arrive.' Someone was dragging at his arm. Pulling him up. When had he sat down on the floor? 'Smile, move.'

Ciel looked over at the bed. Alois' back was to the room, curled up on his side. He never slept like that. He always splayed out as wide as he could, legs and arms hanging off the sides. But now he was curled up small, as though hiding.

How much had he been hiding?

How much did I choose not to see?

Ciel shoved away the person pulling him, lumbering to his feet. The closer he got to the bed, the colder the air seemed to become, that presence leeching all heat from him. The closer he got to the bed, the more he could see, and the more he wanted to look away.

Alois' hand rested against his side, the beds of his nails blackened.

We're supposed to be safe from this.

Ciel found himself reaching out to touch Alois' hand. Purple webs waited beneath the skin, rising slowly as time went on, pale and bruise mingling together as the pervasive chill took hold.

All the warmth in Ciel's body seemed to flee through the fingers that pressed against Alois' skin. Or maybe it was the other way around, Alois' cold infecting Ciel, destroying any hint of warmth it found.

We're not Ward V. We're supposed to live.

The hand was all he could bring himself to look at. Even though the stale smell of vomit had his mind itching to find the cause - what would make him sick why isn't there any sick here nowhere in the room not on him but the smell is so strong fresh how long has he been here how did they do it - and the little dot of blood on the sleeve of Alois' other arm led to too many baseless assumptions. Looking closer would mean leaning over and leaning over would mean seeing the face -

No.

Ciel felt pressure build at the bridge of his nose. It had suddenly become so much harder to swallow. To breathe evenly. His eye burned. A damp heat.

No. I don't -

The smell, the cold, the stinging warmth pushing up at his eye, the presence in the room bearing down upon him crushingly.

Ciel's breath hitched, lips sealed tightly against the sound trying to get out. He couldn't let it. He hadn't in years. Not now, not after all that, if he started he wasn't sure he'd ever stop.

don't don't don't

He held his breath until his eyes were dry and he'd forgotten how to breathe. The familiar dragging gasps were the lesser evil, the empty lung lightheaded haze easier to solve. What had he told Sebastian when the man lay gasping on his bedroom floor?

Inhale, two three. Hold, four five. Exhale. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Before long, someone was pushing his inhaler against his closed lips, a hand rubbing circles into his back. The motion was not as soothing as they meant it to be, making his chest heave even worse. They must have realized they were doing more bad than good, backed off, gave him room to fix himself.

In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out.

We're not safe anymore.

In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out.

There is no line anymore.

In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out. In, two three. Hold, four five. Out.

We're as good as dead -!

A hand clamped Ciel's nostrils shut. Before he had a chance to panic, Soma backed off, content at having gotten his attention.

Soma's face was tear-stained, eyes still shining, nose streaming. Despite the tears, his stare was steady, his hands sure as he pulled Ciel's off of Alois'.

Warmth returned to Ciel's skin. For the first time he could remember, he craved the touch. When Soma tried to let go, he didn't let him, clinging to his hands. They were clammy and damp but that was better than Alois' stiff chill.

Soma gave him a watery smile, rubbing his hands until all traces of Alois were gone and Ciel found himself breathing evenly again.

'Do you need it?' Soma asked, nodding behind Ciel.

Freckles knelt there, distressed and unsure, holding out the inhaler.

It was a while before Ciel found his voice.

'No,' he said, 'It wasn't that kind of attack.'

Now that Ciel had calmed down some, he could hear the panic beyond the door. He couldn't quite make out what was actually being said, but Joker sounded angry above all the others. Freckles caught him looking, inched closer across the floor.

'Drocell said we'd be better off,' she explained, hesitant to close the distance between them. Ciel inclined his head, beckoning her on. He wanted her close all of a sudden. Both of them. He couldn't explain why, even to himself. 'It started a row. Joker's been pissed with Drocell for ages. Last thing he needed was a reason to fight.'

Drocell's mistrust of everyone besides Snake was nothing new to Ciel. Such a callous comment was poorly judged, however, even for him. Ciel wasn't one to get offended on other people's behalves yet the comment still set his teeth on edge.

'No, we're not,' Ciel said, nails digging into Soma's hand, 'We've never been worse off.'

Soma leaned forward, hiding his face against Ciel's shoulder. The tears had started again and he did nothing to stem the flow. At least one of them could cry for Alois. Soma could cry Ciel's share too.

'I dont - I don't know what to say,' Freckles admitted, voice thick. She shook her head, dark hair falling into her face. 'We weren't mates or nothin', but still. What even happens now? They won't do a funeral, he ain't got no family to come for him. How did this even happen?'

'I can't ...' Ciel sat up straighter, trying to clear his head. He was getting lost in the situation. He couldn't let himself. That was what they wanted. 'Last night, Ash was the one who let him out of my room. But this ... this is getting your hands dirty. Ash wouldn't. He never touches us, that's not how he works. This wasn't him.'

'You sure?' Freckles sniffed tellingly. 'Coz I wouldn't put anythin' past the lot of them.'

'No, I'm sure, this wasn't him. He had nothing to do with Alois, not really. There's no ... reason.' It was easier to talk like this, like it was a puzzle to be solved, than to acknowledge the body lay beside them. 'I couldn't hear well through the door but, knowing Alois, I'm pretty sure he'd have asked for Faustus. He was upset, frightened... He'll have wanted Faustus.'

Soma's sobs stopped being silent, a pitiful choking noise not nearly muffled enough against Ciel's shoulder. Freckles shuffled closer, wrapping her arms around Soma, looking at Ciel over his head.

'Not that it makes any difference knowin'. Smile,' her voice wavered, breath hitching, 'I'm scared.'

You should be.

So am I.

He couldn't bring himself to say either. Fortunately, things kicked off in the leisure room, saving him from having to say anything at all.

'Don't!'

'Will you the two of you just pack it in!'

'The staff will be here in a minute!'

Freckles took a deep breath, rubbing Soma's back as she stood.

'I better go see if I can help diffuse that. I'll, um,' she swallowed, pressing her lips together as she composed herself, 'I'll give a knock when we think someone's comin' onto the ward. Don't stay in here too long, both of you, 'kay?'

Soma nodded, wiping his nose with his sleeve. She closed the door behind her as she went, silencing the cacophony outside.

It was somehow worse now that it was quieter. There was nothing to distract. No safer, easier place for Ciel to go. Nowhere else for him to look than at that discoloured hand.

Faustus.

'It must have been,' Ciel continued, as though Freckles were still there, 'Ash had no motive, but Faustus was the entire reason Alois was in this place. Whatever he did, he didn't -'

'Ciel.'

'- do here. There's no sick in here. But the smell is strong on him, so -'

'Ciel, please.'

'- Faustus changed his medication a while back. Was that when he started acting strange? Everything was happening at once, I can't remember, but it probably was -'

'Stop it.'

'- I do remember telling him to keep notes on the change. I wonder if he ever did -!'

'Stop it!' Ciel was shoved back to the floor as he made to stand up. Soma scowled down at him. 'Just stop it. Stop trying to solve it, it's not something to be solved, Alois wasn't something to be solved, okay? Just be sad. Just let us be sad while we still can because soon enough we're going to have to go back out there and pretend nothing's even happened.'

Soma broke down once more, words lost in a cry that he made no effort to stop. To be able to let himself go like that, to not be afraid of that sort of vulnerability, Ciel couldn't comprehend it.

'Sorry,' Ciel said, unsure what else to do. He stayed where he had fallen, ankle bent at an uncomfortable angle, looking up at Soma in his grief.

He hadn't even liked Alois.

The knock came a short while later.

'Someone's coming,' Beast said briefly, slipping back through the door as quickly as she had come. There didn't seem to be any more fighting going on outside, at least.

Soma rose from the floor slowly, 'I wonder what they'll do with him.'

Ciel didn't have to think all that hard to know the answer.

'They'll make him disappear.'

After spending so long desperate to get out, there was little else for Ciel to do that day than to return to his bedroom. The faster, the better. The book hidden beneath his sweatshirt wasn't as inconspicuous as he would have liked.

After a stunted conversation with a bloody-nosed Joker, nods of acknowledgement to the others, and an awkward hug with Soma, Ciel finally escaped them all.

I can't read it.

No matter how long he stared at the ruined pages, none of those scribbles became words. Lines upon lines of text had been written, every page filled to the edges, but the sentences were written on top of each other until none of them were legible.

Looking at those pages, they only translated to static in Ciel's mind.

A helpless sort of frustration had him throwing the much-abused journal against the wall. The pages fell free from the elastic band holding them together.

What now?

There was nothing to be done. Alois' bedroom door was firmly shut. It would stay that way until whoever was on duty today opened it, for whatever reason. All of them knew nothing, as far as the staff were concerned, and it had to stay that way. Normality had to be maintained. Normal was Ciel in his bedroom, alone and climbing the walls.

How long would it be before someone wondered at Alois' absence? Would he be found today? Or would it be days before anyone thought to check on him?

How long before the smell starts? Ciel's empty stomach lurched, Please let it be before then.

He knew that smell too well. He never wanted to know it again.

Ciel sunk down on the bed, head falling back too hard without the pillow. Any other day and he'd have slept the morning away. Sleeping would be maintaining normality, especially if anyone came barging into his room, as they were wont to do. He had barely slept that night, too.

I should hide the journal.

And he would.

In a minute.

In just a minute.

'Alois?'

The carpet flaked between Ciel's toes. The rough nylon texture turned to ash where he trod, a blackened trail of footprints. He didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he found nothing odd about it.

'Alois.'

The sleeping boy did not stir. Even as the sheets mouldered beneath him, as the ceiling blossomed yellow stains, as the wood of the desk and bed-frame putrefied in an instant.

'Wake up.'

Ciel stopped. Behind him, his ashen footprints spread like spilled ink.

The sleeping boy did not stir. The bed collapsed, its ruined frame no longer able to carry the weight, sending the mattress to the floor. The boy rolled off. He still did not wake.

'Hey.'

Ciel's voice no longer sounded like his own, though he wasn't sure when the change had happened. Higher, like a child's. Scared, like a child's.

The ash rot had reached the walls. It climbed them like ivy, splintering the paint, its shadow enveloping the room. Still, he did not notice, paying no mind to the growing chasm with him at its centre.

He took another step forward. The place he had just stood crumbled away. Through the footprint holes, smoke began to billow up. Dirty grey smoke, the kind that choked.

'You're not fooling anyone with this,' Ciel said with someone else's voice, 'Stop playing around.'

Another step towards the body and more of the floor fell away. Smoke rose in its stead.

There was nothing now but Ciel and the body, everything else eaten by the rot.

'Stop it.'

Ciel bent over the body, ignoring how the flesh had begun to peel away from its fingertips. Ignoring how stiff the shoulder was as he shook it. Ignoring how the smoke had filled the empty space around them.

But he couldn't ignore the smell.

'Alois.'

But this body did not have blond hair.

This body was too big.

An adult.

An adult in a dark suit, with dark hair and dark sunken eyes.

The smoke thickened, forcing itself into Ciel's lungs, yet the smell of the man overrode even that. The pervading smell of rancid meat. It clung to him, reached for him with skeletal hands, stretched impossibly far as Ciel stumbled away.

But there was no floor to retreat across.

The body did not move yet still seemed to chase, leaving Ciel nowhere to escape its touch. Nothing but bone was left of the hands. They felt hot against his skin, a sharp sting as the fingers closed around Ciel's wrist.

Smoke rose where they were joined.

His arm began to simmer, the curve of his wrist bubbling as the man's grip tightened, the skin boiling at his touch.

Ciel screamed. This time, it was his own voice, his own wail of pain.

It spread. Inching upwards, the searing red spread across his arm, the skin sliding away from the bone. It got as far as his chest before he could wrench himself free of the skeletal burn.

Ciel fell back. Where he had walked, there was no ground, but he would take the fall over that agonizing burn.

The world fell away beneath him, letting him plummet.

The man followed.

The rotting smell was strong. It was on Ciel now. It grew stronger as more of his skin fell away, coming clean from the bone. Even without the man's touch, the burn continued to spread, enveloping not only his chest but also his back.

Ciel knew then, with a certainty only dreamers could have, that he would burn away entirely before he finished falling.

Help me.

His hands were gone, unable to try to catch on to something, anything. Nothing in the smoke-filled drop to grab.

Please.

The man fell faster, reaching out towards him. Arms spread as though offering a hug.

Please, god.

The smoke grew thicker, the air grew hotter. He began to understand just where the fall would end.

Oh, god, please help me.

He didn't want to finish the fall, not if that was the destination.

Ciel reached out his own skeletal arms, the ruined fingers grasping for the man's, willing them to fall even faster towards each other.

'Please!' Ciel screamed as the black surrounding them began to brighten, as the air seared, as the smoke swallowed all. The man reached him, his arms wrapping around Ciel in a scalding embrace, 'PLEASE!'

Waking up was walking through water fully dressed. A slow trawl, exhaustive in its lag. Usually nightmares sent him hurtling towards consciousness, bolting up from the bed in a cold sweat with a half-formed yell on his tongue. Other times, the nightmare wasn't quite ready to let him go. Those were the worst, keeping him his own captive.

Ciel was free from the plummet and burn but his eye wouldn't open yet. The world was lightening, the brightness of his bedroom bleeding through his closed eyelid, but he couldn't reach it yet.

The smell was still very real, making his only half-there sense wonder if it was in the room.

The touch was still there too. Arms wrapped around him, not restricting, just there.

Ciel awoke still feeling that ghost embrace.

'You shouldn't leave stuff like this where someone could see it,' Agni said, knelt down to collect together the scattered pages of Alois' journal, 'Where do you want it?'

Agni's presence wasn't as much of a surprise as it should have been. Ciel had felt that someone was in the room, though his sleep-addled mind had been sure it was somebody else, somebody who couldn't possibly have been there. It was more a disappointment than a shock, which was silly in itself.

'Just leave it on the desk,' Ciel said, 'Not like anyone could read it anyway.'

'True,' Agni flicked through a couple of the pages, squinting at the indecipherable scribbles, 'But there are certain ... assumptions that could be made from this alone.'

Ciel's heart was still beating a bit too quickly for comfort. He ran his hands over the bed sheet, forcing himself to focus on nothing but the feel of the cotton sliding against his fingertips. Each slow stroke grounded him, more and more.

'Has Soma calmed down?'

Agni had put the journal inside the top drawer instead, along with the broken pocket watch. Cleaning up the room, cleaning up potential evidence, there was no doubt that he knew.

'He's trying to,' Agni replied, fixated on aligning Ciel's pen and pencil neatly, 'I never realized they were so close.'

'They weren't. Soma's just a bleeding heart.'

'Well,' Agni smiled bitterly, 'Someone has to be.'

What had remained of the dream was gone, and in its absence, Ciel found his calm. As disturbed as it had been, the sleep had done him good, putting some distance between him and that terrible morning.

He was above it now, watching below like the spectator he had promised himself he would always be.

'I'm assuming you didn't come in here for small talk,' Ciel said, getting up from the bed. The journal and the watch weren't the only things Agni had moved, everything neatly on shelves. He'd find time to be annoyed about that later.

'I wouldn't consider this ... small.' Agni sighed quietly and stopped fiddling. 'You have a guest. I've been asked to take you to the visitor's room.'

It wasn't panic that Ciel felt then. Just bemusement.

'Odd time to have a guest. Aunt Ann only comes every third month.'

'It's not your aunt.'

Agni refused to say any more, giving Ciel a few minutes in the bathroom to freshen up. On the ward, normality had resumed. Someone had given Joker some ice, probably Agni, which Beast held against his swollen nose. Beside them, Jumbo, Wendy, Dagger and Freckles chatted happily enough. Even Drocell and Snake were playing along, tucked away in the corner rather than in one of their bedrooms.

Soma was nowhere to be seen, his bedroom door closed.

It would take a while longer for him.

They passed no other members of staff on their way to the visitor's room. Even the infirmary was empty.

'Do they know?' Ciel asked below his breath.

'I don't know,' Agni answered.

Agni left him at the door, though the escort always came inside usually. Yet the way Agni was acting left no room for apprehension. Ciel was certain who was inside long before he went through the door.

'Been a while.' Sebastian pushed off from the wall as the door closed behind Ciel. He looked better than he had in a long time, Ciel thought, better than since he had first come to St. Victoria's. 'Alright?'

'Alright,' Ciel replied, walking past him to sit down. All the tables were free, the room empty besides the two of them. It didn't come as a surprise. Only the most persistent of people got through St. Victoria's administration and were allowed a visit. As far as he knew, only Ann had succeeded, none of the others getting visitors. If it weren't Ann coming to see him, Ciel knew of only one other person who would use this method. 'Agni didn't sign me out on the log. I doubt anyone will check my room for me. Still, we should make this quick.'

'I'm fine too, thanks for asking.' Sebastian pulled the chair around from the other side of the table, sitting next to Ciel rather than across from him. If he was grateful for the casual gesture, Ciel didn't let himself acknowledge it.

'I can see you're fine,' he looked Sebastian up and down, 'Too fine, if anything. Where have they had you lately?'

'Same place.' Sebastian smiled. It wasn't the same smile it used to be. 'I've taken over for Ash entirely, as far as I can tell. Been doing most of his work from the start, haven't I? Makes you wonder what he gets up to instead.'

It had been a good month or so since Ciel had last seen Sebastian. Even then, that had been the briefest of meetings, hidden away in a corner of the garden. Hearing the gruesome details of his work on Ward V. Feeling the weight of his own culpability in Sebastian's new situation.

It never failed to stagger him, just how much could change in a single month.

Ciel lay one of his hands down on the table, palm up. Unlike that day in the garden, there was no hesitation. Sebastian covered Ciel's hand with his own immediately, thoughtlessly, as though it was the only thing to do.

Sebastian's hand was colder than Soma's had been.

'First time Agni's spoken to me properly in a while.' Sebastian stared towards the closed door, the silhouette of his once-friend standing sentry. 'Seemed to think you needed a shoulder to cry on. Somehow I doubted that.'

'Don't worry, I wouldn't dare risk staining your top.'

The scar had grown fainter, now that he looked, that aging bite mark on Sebastian's hand. What had once been a stark, jagged path of white was barely visible now. For it to fade to that extent, he mustn't have bitten hard enough.

Ciel flipped their joined hands over, pinning Sebastian's to the table instead. Beneath his, Sebastian's hand tensed, squeezing to the point of pain for a moment, then went still.

He could turn us around if he wanted to.

But he wouldn't. Ciel knew that now, without a shadow of a doubt. It may have become the only thing he did know with certainty.

He didn't need to see the scar as proof.

'Alois is dead.'

Unsurprised. Unaffected. Agni had already told him. But Ciel had still needed to say it. To know that he could say it.

'The body will be gone by morning,' Sebastian predicted, 'There's a one day turn-around for clean-up. You should check the room when you get back, make sure there's nothing in there you wouldn't want them to see.'

'I already did. There was only one thing. As useless to them as it is to me, but I've taken it.'

Ciel chose not to question Sebastian's immediate knowledge of the clean-up process, just as he chose not to remember that Sebastian's own clean-up had happened while he was unconscious, that knowledge lost to him. What he chose not to know couldn't ruin the delicate balance he had to maintain.

'It was Faustus, that much I'm certain of. Probably the medication he had Alois on, going by the track bleed stain on Alois' sleeve. Outside of those facts, I'm ... in the dark.'

'Does it matter?' Sebastian asked bemusedly, 'It's irrelevant now. Knowing just what happened won't change the fact that it happened. It can only distract.'

'Of course it matters!' Ciel snapped, 'If I know what happened then I can avoid the same happening to us.'

Sebastian laughed through his nose.

A month could change everything. A life could crumble, a life could end, a life could be altered unrecognizably. Ciel had known the minute Sebastian had first spoken to him on the ward that first night that it was likely he would be killed. What he hadn't imagined was that someone else would take his place, wearing his face, speaking in his voice, but all the heart gone from him.

All the heart taken from him.

And it could never be given back.

'Whatever happened, he has my condolences,' Sebastian said, managing to sound half-sincere, 'But you can't honestly believe that you and I were ever on the same playing field as Alois. What happened to him can't happen to us. So puzzling over it, playing detective, it's a waste of our time.'

Ciel swallowed against the angry rebuttal already formed.

I did this.

And he wasn't ashamed of it. There may have been some guilt. The knowledge that Sebastian would have remained an entirely ordinary man if Ciel hadn't played him from the start, ensuring he stayed at St. Victoria's. His hand in it was undeniable, so he wouldn't try to deny it, wouldn't shrink away from the role he had played.

Ciel had wanted an accomplice, and he had gotten one, even if it had meant destroying an innocent man in the process.

Now he had to live with that reality, with the man that had been born because of it. A man who talked and smiled like one of them. But a man who had become one of them at Ciel's behest. Who asked after his wellbeing offhandedly while scrutinizing his every breath for a hint of something wrong. Who held his hand without hesitation.

I did this. And now I have to accept what it's made you. What I've made you.

Ciel took a slow breath in, let it out in one big sigh.

'You're not wrong,' he said, shrugging with a flippancy he didn't feel, 'Not like knowing how it happened will bring him back.'

Sebastian watched him for a moment, eyes sweeping over his face for any hint of truth. When he found none, he smiled that same vacant smile, beginning to stroke Ciel's wrist softly.

'So no need of a shoulder to cry on?'

'I'm much more in need of a working keycard and a willing accomplice.'

Sebastian's eyes lit up. It was a muted sort of excitement. His touch turned more deliberate, a slow brush over Ciel's pulse point.

'You're in luck,' he said, 'I might know a guy.'

'The game has changed. Once they find Alois, once the change becomes known to the others, all bets are off. I just have this feeling that ...' Ciel trailed off. It was hard to translate to words, this sudden restless need to escape, how different it was from the desire for freedom he had always felt before. This new feeling was an entirely different creature, pushing beyond the limits of Ciel's control. Maybe it was fear, fear demanding to be felt, beyond the calm he was forcing upon himself.

'That the play acting will end,' Sebastian finished for him, 'Like a domino effect. One person broke whatever rules or principles they had, stepped outside of their given role, and now they'll all follow suit.'

'They all do it for different reasons, I think. For Angela and Ash, it's about control. With the Chairmen never here, it's their orders everyone follows, their word is absolute. They'd try to maintain the norm, I think.' Ciel frowned, picturing the other members of staff, reading his experiences with them. 'Grell was broken out there before she was broken here. St. Victoria's was just one push too many.'

'She's one to avoid, when everything goes to hell,' Sebastian agreed, one too many rude awakenings over his time there enough to convince him of that, 'I don't think Will is someone to worry about. He told me he considers this just another job to perform. As disturbing as the depth of his apathy may be, I can't see him acting outside of orders. If anything, he'd probably follow Angela or Ash's lead.'

'Which could be a problem in itself,' Ciel said, knowing how thin their veneer of calm could be, 'If they think they're losing control, I dread to think what they'd resort to. The Room might be the least of our worries.'

Sebastian shrugged, 'A room is only a problem when you don't have a key.'

'True.' Ciel gave Sebastian's hand a squeeze of acknowledgement. 'When it comes to Grey, as far as I can tell, he's just in this for his own amusement. But he turns nasty quick when he doesn't get the reaction he wants. I'm not sure how different he'll act when it comes to it.'

'Phipps and that John Brown, I've never gotten a good grasp of them. Especially Brown. I've had next to nothing to do with them,' Sebastian said. His interactions with Brown extended only so far as being insulted by his hand puppet. Phipps, even less.

'Phipps ... he's neither here nor there. I've never known him to be a threat, but at the same time, I've always had the feeling that it's because he's never chosen to be one. His motives, I haven't a clue,' Ciel admitted, 'And Brown. I've met him, been in the same room more times than I can count, but I've never dealt with him directly. Like Phipps and Grey, he's considered one of the psychiatrists, but I've never seen him answer to Faustus. None of them do, in fact.'

'So all three of them are question marks, then.'

'I suppose so.'

'Reassuring.' Sebastian grimaced. 'Personally, I'm wondering the most about Knox. He's never on either ward, from what I've seen. He's not remotely antagonistic towards the patients when he does interact with them. He seems ... normal.'

'I remember Finny saying he was usually in the archives, but he would sometimes show up in the gardens or the kitchen and offer to help. Not that he was much help, from what Finny said. Spent most of his time flirting with Meirin.'

'So ... he just does whatever he wants? And no one does anything about that?' Sebastian couldn't imagine Angela and Ash just letting Ronald wander about of his own volition, however harmless such wanderings might be to whatever grander scheme was at play.

Ciel sat up straighter, expression pensive.

'You know, when I was younger and still thought this place was legit, I had a theory about the power structure.'

'Oh?' Sebastian smirked, 'I'm having trouble picturing a you that wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.'

'I wasn't born assuming the worst of everybody,' Ciel rolled his eyes, 'I just learned better.'

'Don't skim the details.' Sebastian seemed tickled by the idea of a naive, trusting Ciel. It was an image he just couldn't reconcile with the person he knew. 'Are we talking long? At what point did you figure out these lovely people probably weren't looking out for your best interests?'

Ciel looked supremely unamused.

'I was twelve,' he said with a scowl, 'And don't forget who showed you what lovely people your colleagues are.'

'And you have my gratitude for that,' Sebastian assured, not an echo of sincerity in him, 'But go on. What did little you think about the power structure?'

Ciel sighed, trying to remember what it was he was saying before getting sidetracked.

'It always seemed to me that everybody was following a different person's orders. It seemed like Angela and Ash were in charge, but that was only because none of the chairmen were ever here, for whatever reason. With three of them, you'd think one would stick around,' Ciel leaned closer over the table, as though someone in the empty room would overhear, 'But I noticed a pattern. Agni mentioned to Soma once that it was Tanaka who replied to his application and hired him. And whenever Tanaka visits, it's always Agni who deals with him.

'It was the same with Finny, and I'm assuming Bard and Meirin too. They were hired directly by Tanaka - I asked - and it was him who they communicated with about what needed to be done in the kitchens or what cleaning and gardening equipment they needed to buy. They barely said a word to Angela or Ash, and it was the same the other way around. That's why they were always struggling for supplies to do their work. When they couldn't get in touch with Tanaka, they couldn't get any, because they wouldn't ask Angela and Ash.'

Sebastian nodded slowly, thinking back to his brief time with the trio.

'Not just Angela and Ash. I don't remember them associating with any of the others. Outside of being polite, and as friendly as the three of them were. The only person besides me I ever saw them talking normally with was ... Agni, I suppose.'

'Who was also hired by Tanaka,' Ciel affirmed, that familiar glint of satisfaction in his eye, 'This is just hearsay, so I hesitated back then to let myself put too much emphasis on it, but I heard that Will and Grell were personally hired by Undertaker. They're always the first people to know when he's visiting. Once, I overheard Angela angry about it, that they'd been informed even before she was.'

'So you think there's some sort of ... faction system going on?' Sebastian asked. He could see the logic, but he could also see the paranoia of a twelve year old newly exposed to the cruelty of adults, one that saw enemies everywhere. That same paranoia resurfacing at the same time he found his friend murdered; it was difficult not to make a link between the two.

'I did,' Ciel corrected tetchily, 'The theory went nowhere, not that there was anything I could do with it. You were hired by Tanaka but it's Undertaker who treats you like one of his. Remember last time he visited? You were the one he spoke with, long before anyone else knew he'd come. And Agni answers to Angela and Ash readily enough. So that theory went nowhere. But mentioning Knox made me think of it. Maybe he just doesn't consider himself working for those two, so he won't do as they say.'

'There could still be something to it. It'll be good to keep in mind,' Sebastian allowed, relieved that Ciel didn't still give weight to the theory. He personally had his own idea on why Agni obeyed Angela and Ash, but didn't see the point in sharing it, 'So long story short, we have no idea about Knox.'

'It's ultimately irrelevant.' Ciel's tone changed, no longer pensive. His hand gripped Sebastian's tighter. 'We won't be here to see how they're all going to turn.'

Sebastian smiled.

'What do you need me to do?'

'I need you to answer me a question,' Ciel said, 'And I need you to be honest.'

Somehow, Ciel felt like that was asking a lot of Sebastian now. That new smile of his, that good-humoured amiability, it was all an armour of lies he had built himself. To separate himself from what he was doing, but also to separate himself from who he had been.

Ciel knew better than to try to reach that person, but he wasn't sure he could trust the person before him now to be as honest.

Ciel already knew the answer to his question.

'Do you love me?'

But he would only know if he could trust the man Sebastian had become if the answer was the same as Ciel's.

Sebastian looked only slightly startled by the question, by its sentimentality if nothing else. He took some time to answer, fingers grazing lightly over Ciel's wrist, feeling the slow thrum of his pulse.

'Ciel,' he said after a long moment, his smile gentler than it had been for a long time, 'You and I aren't capable of love. Not anymore.'

Relief washed over Ciel. He allowed himself to laugh, more unreserved than he ever did, relaxing in his seat.

If Sebastian had answered any other way, it all would have been ruined. Everything Ciel had built between them over the past two years, the sacrifices he had made of himself, letting opportunities to escape pass him by for Sebastian's sake. If Sebastian had lied, had misjudged what answer he really wanted, then the trust between them, whatever bond it was that they had, it would have been broken. The sort of break that could never be repaired.

It wasn't love.

Ciel didn't have that in him to give anymore.

And whatever potential for love had been inside Sebastian had died with that patient on Ward V, had been stripped away with every order he followed and every part of himself he had abandoned to survive.

It wasn't love, but it was something, something of their own creation.

Ciel moved towards him, leaning his forehead against Sebastian's.

Warm breath fanned across his face.

'I need you,' Ciel said, 'I need you to get me out of here. This isn't a game I can win with any amount of scheming or calculation. The playing ground was never even, it was never fair. It doesn't matter if they come after me. I need to - we need to get out of this place.'

'I'll get you out of here,' Sebastian promised, fingers closing around Ciel's wrist. It should have alarmed him, a restraining touch like that, but it didn't anymore, not from Sebastian, 'Just tell me what you need me to do.'

'Come for me tonight,' Ciel instructed, 'If there's anyone on the ward ... deal with them. If my door is locked, kick it in. We'll jump the wall and run. No glamour, no glory, we'll just run.'

'What about the others?'

Ciel pressed against Sebastian harder, eye squeezed shut.

''We'll ... send help for them.'

Sebastian understood what that really meant.

'You think this will work?' he asked, 'You've never tried it before.'

'There were too many consequences before. I didn't think it was worth the risk when waiting and seeing how things played out would be more beneficial. I didn't ... see this coming.' Alois cold in his bed, the ward no longer their safe haven, the clock ticking towards disaster. 'The consequences don't matter now. We need to get out.'

Ciel closed the distance between them before he could let himself back out.

An acknowledgement of the risks Sebastian was taking for his sake.

An apology to the man Sebastian had once been, the man he had wilfully thrown aside.

An equivalent exchange. For all the rules Sebastian had broken for him, Ciel now broke his own rule.

Sebastian leaned into the kiss, the chaste thing that it was, hand hovering in the air where he had gone to cup Ciel's face before second thinking. Ciel grabbed it, placing it against his cheek, keeping tight hold of his wrist.

He could move it when he wanted to. He could end the kiss when he wanted to. He could tell Sebastian to never kiss him again and he knew Sebastian would obey.

Ciel pulled back, satisfied that Sebastian didn't try to pursue him, didn't try to fight the hold he had now on both of Sebastian's hands.

'Tonight, then,' Ciel said, a little breathless.

Sebastian grinned, 'Tonight.'