Chapter 5
16 December 2007
As a last resort Bilbo decides to consult his parents. They have been married for over thirty years, so they should be able to give him some advice about giving gifts to one's lover.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. He is regretting it now. Bungo and him are sitting in the woodshed out in the garden. They originally came out here to admire the new snow shovel Bungo purchased yesterday. Since then they have moved on to more important topics. Like Christmas presents.
"You know, there was this light blue set that I really liked. It had this lovely flower pattern that reminded me of our garden and it was just perfect. I knew it would look just beautiful on your mother."
Bilbo can only stare as his father gives him a very detailed description of every single piece of lingerie he has ever bought for his wife.
"-and then one time we were, you know, getting busy and, I think this happened when you went on that school trip to Germany, a good week that was, and we were in the kitchen and we decided to do it right then and there and she was wear-" Bilbo bolts out of the shed and back into the house, barely stopping to pull off his boots before he sprints up to his old bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
He drops face first onto his old bed with a huff and rubs his eyes. He will need to figure out a way to get the bleach from the laundry room without encountering either of his parents. His brain is in great need of a good wash.
Bilbo is still lying on the bed and trying to forget the mental images that branded themselves into his memory forever when his mother opens the door and switches the light on and off a couple of times to alert him to her presence. Her son groans and buries his face in the pillow but does not acknowledge her otherwise.
"My poor baby," Belladonna coos and sits down on the edge of the bed to run her hand through Bilbo's hair. Just like she had always done when her son was younger and in need of comfort. She doesn't know what upset him. Bungo is still outside in his shed. Did they have a fight?
Bilbo sighs and lets his body relax under his mother's touch. He is desperately trying not to think about anything he just learned about her and her underwear and her having sex with his father in the kitchen. Who knows what else they got up to when he went away on school trips. What do they do now that they have the house all to themselves all the time? He groans again and turns his head to press the heels of his palms into his eye sockets.
His mother tries to pry his hands away so she can actually have a conversation with him but he refuses to budge. He will never be able to look her in the eyes again!
Belladonna sighs. She can hear her husband making his way up the stairs. When the door opens behind her, she turns to face him. Bungo's head appears in the doorway, he is obviously reluctant to enter the room. He frowns when he spots his son stretched out on the bed with his wife rubbing soothing circles on his back.
"What happened?" Belladonna asks. "Did you two have a fight?" Bungo shakes his head quickly and opens the door a little further. "He asked me about Christmas presents," he explains and shrugs. "Apparently he has no idea what to get Thorin."
"And what did you tell him?" his wife enquires, when he doesn't elaborate. She has a distinct idea where this is going.
"I told him what I got you for Christmas over the years. And what we did with it." Bungo pauses for a second. "I see that women's underwear is probably not a good gift for a gay man. But there's no need to get so upset."
Belladonna rolls her eyes and pats her son's curly head. Her husband can be a little slow sometimes. "I don't think he appreciated the image of his mother wearing lingerie."
"Oh." Bungo shuffles his feet awkwardly. "Maybe I shouldn't have told him about that one time we had sex in the kitchen. That seemed to have pushed him over the edge." His wife glances at him with a sly smile playing on her lips. "That one time? Which one time? We had sex in the kitchen more than once."
Bilbo opens his eyes and flips onto his back, catching his parents throwing each other suggestive looks. He scrambles off the bed with a huff which brings Belladonna and Bungo out of their love filled stupor. With an "Excuse me while I go puke my brains out" Bilbo runs out of the room, hoping that his parents will have the decency to move out of his childhood bedroom before they engage in any sexual activities.
He doesn't even care that he still doesn't know what to get Thorin for Christmas. First he will have to overcome the trauma he just received at the hands of his parents.