Episode 4:2- Aliens of London
Now, I know what you're thinking right now. Ohemgee! One of our main protagonists is dead, and the other two heroes weren't around to see it or stop it! Who's going to save the world now?
Well, that, or something to that effect. I am sorry/pleased/whatever to tell you, however, that Hobbes is not, in fact dead, and someone did receive a minor injury. I will reveal that fact to you now to prove I am not, in fact, into the dramatic tension of narrative in the least. I will conceal the fact of who has a minor injury, mainly because it doesn't have any impact on the plot whatsoever.
What you've just witnessed here today, ladies and gents, is called misdirection. Misdirection is a technique that involves the placement of one event/device/thing in one place that distracts the reader/viewer/watcher from seeing what really is happening. This device is used a lot nowadays, mainly in stage magic, politics, films, and the Oprah Winfrey Network. Has this technique of misdirecting been used on you recently? Probably. Definitely, because it just was in the previous episode. Are you offended? Probably. Definitely. Do I care? Probably not. Definitely not. So if you have a complaint, feel free to find the largest, bumpiest, most spiky log you can get, write your complaint on it using blood from the back of your head, and ram it down your throat. Now see if I actually care. Thank you.
Back to the narrative.
When the strike force of assault soldiers burst into the freezer room, and locked and loaded their guns, the spacepig thing was creeping out from behind the filing cabinet as Hobbes was creeping towards it. Hobbes was attempting to coax it into the open air, and was situated directly behind it, at least, relative to the door. So when the soldiers burst in, and Hobbes yelled "Don't shoot!", and they shot anyway because they couldn't see him, and he was basically a stuffed tiger to them... all he had to do was duck. And he did, with great aplomb. Hobbes was unharmed, except for a minor injury to the tip of his tail, which had been sticking upright and bristling with fright.
(...dammit. I revealed the nature of the minor injury, even though I told myself I wouldn't. Grr.)
The mutant space pig, which, (poor thing) was quite confused, wasn't that lucky. It squealed twice as it was shot in the heart, before dying. Hobbes stared in horror, and scrambled to the dead creature's side. Without looking up, he fired the Transmogrifier Gun twice in the air; once, to jam up everyone's guns, and twice to give everyone the Transmogrification equivalent of a bang on the head with a rubber hammer. All the soldiers started, as they noticed that the stuffed tiger that had been sitting next to the cabinet wasn't quite so stuffed anymore.
"It was innocent," growled the tiger. It didn't look that cuddly. The military force took a collective step back.
Back in the room where Harriet Jones was reading secret documents she probably shouldn't have been reading (GOD I LOVE THIS WOMAN), she heard footsteps. This time, she looked up.
Go figure.
She hastily packed away the files, and placed them back into the Red Box, before glancing around for a place to hide. The people were getting closer, and indistinct voices could be heard. Her eyes swept the room once; twice, before catching onto a closet. With seconds to spare, she swung herself into it, and shut the door firmly.
"This is possibly the greatest crisis in human history, and you have not done a single thing to avert it!" someone was saying. "This is an outrage, sir!"
"I quite agree," said another person. "It's an outrage that someone as mindblowingly stupid as you could be in office still."
The noise of someone spluttering in outrage. "Sir!"
"I do like this job, don't you?" a woman's voice said.
"Yes, it is a total blast," the second man agreed. A fart rang out. "Oh, I'm so sorry." He didn't sound that sorry. "I believe-" Fart. "-I'm the acting Prime Minister now?" Fart.
"Where's the rest of the cabinet!" the bureaucratic-sounding person demanded.
"I sent them away," the woman said calmly. She farted. "We do have a lot to deal with, now."
"Specifically, you," the man said. Harriet inched closer to the tiny crack of light from the door and peeked through it.
The bureaucrat growled. "I am relieving you from your command as of Rule 17, Law 234b1, Section a1, Subsection 87, Sub-subsection 9, Sub-sub-subsection 01, Article 76"
"That's a lot of words for such a small man," the woman purred, sounding as if she was checking her nails for scratching. "I mean, this is quite a hair raising business."
"Quite!" agreed the man she was with. "I mean, look at us right now!"
Harriet inched closer to the door. The woman, who was the elaborately manicured sort, gripped her hair and pulled upwards. Her head came off. The man did the same.
The room glowed green, as the bureaucrat screamed in terror.
"What do ya mean, you lied?" Rose growled at Hobbes, who shrunk back a bit.
"It was for the Greater Good?" he tried. Rose snorted.
"Dumbledore tried that one, and look how that turned out."
"Oooh, Harry Potter," grinned the tiger, becoming momentarily distracted. "Wait, how come you know Book 7? It hasn't come out yet in your timeline!"
"It was in your library, and DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"
"We have a library?"
Rose slammed a fist into the cushion behind her, and bounced up and down in irritation. "Stupid cat. Honestly."
"Well, you might want to know what I know."
"What do you know that I want to know?"
"Are you sure that you want to know what I know you want to know?"
"Yeah, I'm completely sure that I want to know what you think you know what I want to know you know."
There was a pause. "You know, I don't know. I completely lost track of that," Rose admitted. "Just tell me."
"The alien was a fake!" Hobbes declared triumphantly.
"That means I was right!" Rose realised.
"Ye- wait, no. That's not that point at all."
"A pencil?" the human girl wondered.
"What?"
"Never mind. Do you mean the fact that someone must have crashed the spaceship for a reason?"
Hobbes sighed in relief that she was finally getting it. "Yep. And it's not human, because of the fact that the ship is way too advanced."
"So..."
"We go investigate."
"But how?" Rose stood up, and began to pace. "Calvin's still in his tantrum mode, I bet, and the hovercars are probably illegal in seven different countries-"
"Solar systems," Hobbes corrected.
"Wha- never mind. So what do we do?"
The tiger stood up as well. "We do what we do best. Improvise."
There was a ring at the door. Rose peeked out the window. "Was this part of your plan?"
"Depends who it is," Hobbes said, peeking out too. His eyes widened. "No- er, yes. It definitely was my plan. That's right."
"Suuurrre," Rose said sarcastically. "A team of soldiers was definitely part of your plan."
"Hey, don't knock it. It worked."
"Let's go see what they want first, hmm?"
Rose strode over to the door, and threw it open. "Hello!" she chirruped, waving wildly at the organised team of soldiers, waiting outside. "Would you like a cup of tea? And some Jammie Dodgers, maybe?"
A slight look of surprise passed between the soldiers, before one cleared his throat, and stepped forwards. "We're here to escort you, and the... tiger to Number 10, Downing Street."
"Any reason why?" Rose leant against the door frame, and arched her eyebrows.
"We've heard rumours that you two are alien experts, and we'd like your opinion on... matters."
"Hm. Well, I wouldn't say that about me, but I suppose Hobbes is. So..." She threw the door open wider, and grabbed Hobbes by the arm. "Away we go!"
The tiger let out a startled hiss of surprise, as they were escorted into a car and driven away.
A few kilometers, and bumps on the head with a rubber mallet later, they were extremely close to their destination. Hobbes and Rose were passing the time by talking, as their escorts seemed quite moody and not that inclined to speak.
"Any reason the rubber mallet is needed to make people...see you?" Rose asked. They had just finished their fangirl/boy/tiger discussion on Harry Potter, and were running out of material. (Hobbed was a steadfast Harry/Luna shipper, while Rose was leaning more towards Harry/Hermione. Both of them agreed that Harry/Ginny was not meant to be.)
Hobbes tilted his furry head to one side. "Well... you may have noticed that children can generally see me without prompting. Calvin thinks that this is because they have better imaginations."
"Stubborn boy," Rose snorted. "Did he come up with that all by himself."
"I may have helped a bit. Anyway, adults need a knock on the head to set their brains in order."
"That... that actually makes a lot of sense."
Pause.
"Isn't rubber plastic?" Rose asked suddenly. Hobbes scratched his head.
"...yeah, I think it is. Why?"
"Well, do Calvin's shoes have rubber soles?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure. A lot of people have rubber-soled shoes, though."
"So why didn't the Nestene Consciousness just take control of the plastic in everyone's shoes and, I don't know, trip them off a cliff or strangle them or something?"
Hobbes's eyes grew a bit wide.
"Wow."
"So, yes, then?"
"Wow."
"If you're going to respond, that would be good."
"Wow."
Rose waved her hand in front of her friend's eyes.
"Wow. Rose, you've just proven yourself to have more logic than a highly advanced alien organism that's over three thousand years old."
Rose's eyes bugged out, and then she sighed. "Wizards. Not an ounce of logic."
Hobbes laughed appreciatively at the reference, as the car pulled to a stop outside 10 Downing Street.
"Mr Hobbes?" asked a man in a grey business suit. Hobbes puffed out his chest slightly at being called 'Mr'. "Would you like to be taken to our panel of experts, with..." he looked around. "We were expecting a 'Mr Calvin' as well."
"Hey!" exclaimed Rose indignantly. "Who do you think I am, Hazel Levesque? I'm just as good as that stubborn boy is!"
"I'm sure you are, Miss... Tyler. But this is a place for the experts, not a young lady like yourself. My subordinate, Ms Jones here can escort you to the tearoom if you want."
He stepped aside to reveal another woman who looked just as disgruntled as Rose felt right then. "Harriet Jones," she grumpily introduced herself. "Come on."
Hobbes shot Rose an apologetic look as they followed their respective guides. As soon as Rose and Harriet had left the earshot of anyone nearby, Harriet whirled around to face Rose.
"That friend of yours. The tiger. He knows about this sort of alien stuff, right?"
"He does. And I suppose I sort of know too. Why?"
To Rose's utter shock, Harriet started to cry.
Over in the conference room, Hobbes was attempting to convince the combined forces of UNIT, the British Military, and some other groups he had never even heard of that the alien ship was just a diversion.
"But don't you see?" he insisted. "The spaceship's technology is centuries too advanced for Earth, and the genetic engineering is literally out of this world. Not metaphorically, literally. Also," he flipped through a few briefing papers that had been laid out for him. "-a week or so ago, the technology department was due to investigate a radioactive spot in this very building. And what happened? This! Big crash landing, big diversion, it was meant for something. The question is, what. What don't these mysterious its want us to not know?"
"They turned the body into a suit!" sobbed Harriet. "A shell for the... the... the thing inside! Do you believe me?"
"Yes, yes, of course I do," said Rose. "I've seen some weirder things before," she added with a wince, thinking of the flesh-colored trampoline that was Cassandra. "So, it's an alien with some seriously impressive technology. What do we do?"
"Find it," suggested Harriet. Rose snapped her fingers, and began to search the room.
"Shouldn't take too long to-" She opened a cupboard, and the empty shell of Tony Blair fell out. "-find," she finished in a small voice. "Oh god."
"Meep," added a secretary who had just walked in. The manicured lady that Harriet had seen pulling off her head was leaning against the wall.
"Oh dear!" she chuckled, letting out a long, loud fart. "Has someone been poking in their abnormally long nose in where it shouldn't belong?"
Back at the Tyler flat, more trouble was metaphorically brewing.
"She was talking to a tiger about spaceships and aliens!" Jackie Tyler told a police officer. "And about a cardboard box that's bigger on the inside or something."
"Hm," went the officer. "This does sound like trouble. You see, that tiger is a wanted suspect. And anyone associated with him is trouble."
"Oh, not you too," Jackie groaned. "Get out, please."
"No! No! No!" exclaimed the officer. "You see, trouble... is my job. I find trouble, and eliminate it."
Meanwhile, Hobbes was finishing up his rousing speech.
"There's only one reason they'd want to crashland an alien spaceship, and cause panic all over Britain, and possibly the world. Two reasons actually, I stand corrected. One, to draw attention away from something, and two, to get all of the alien experts of the world right here. Here in this room."
Everyone's attention was drawn by a slow clapping coming from a specific person.
"Would you like to add anything, Mr Green?" asked a member of UNIT.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Congratulations, Mr Hobbes. You have figured out what the rest of these dunderheads could not."
He farted. "Unfortunately, you won't be around to enjoy your little victory, as you'll be too busy explaining to Saint John why you've been suddenly electrocuted to death. Have a nice life!"
He paused, and farted. "Or should I say, have a nice death?"
He pulled his head off, flooding the room with green light. At the same time, the manicured woman did the same thing, and the police officer at the Tyler flat removed his head too.
Three bulbous green aliens with three long green fingers emerged. The Mr Green alien pressed a button. Three long beeps sounded.
"Thank you for wearing your name tags. They'll help us identify the bodies!"
Via the name tags almost everyone in the room was wearing, electrical shocks were emitted. Everyone but one collapsed to the ground.
"We are the Slitheen!" shrieked the manicured woman. "And we are unstoppable!"
(A/N-
Coming up next- Aliens of London.
My brother and I have a blog, check it out. Link on profile.
~Lotsa Love,
Kitty)