Entry 44

I didn't go back to dance instruction after my shower. I needed time alone to think. I dried off with a towel and dressed in comfortable shorts and tunic. I was still embarrassed over my reaction to Sacha's touch, but to be honest it wasn't totally unexpected. She is a beautiful, kind, engaging woman whose company I enjoy immensely.

When I was a Jedi I had a large extended family of men and women who I shared my life with. We lived together, ate together, trained together. I was constantly with my friends and comrades. They were people who I looked forward to seeing daily…friends that brought enjoyment into my life. After Flame Night that all changed. I tried to cut myself off from my emotions, compartmentalize my pain, and become a loner…and it worked for a while.

But then I was reunited with my old friend Laranth Tarak. Later I met up with Den and I-Five… and, unfortunately, that traitorous Zeltron Dejah Duare. I started to enjoy the company of others once again. I'm sure Dejah's addictive pheromones helped pry me out of my shell, but that was short lived. After she betrayed me to the Inquisitors I fell back into my old habits. It took Laranth's persistence and some strange Force bond to break through my walls and bring me back to the living…and then she died saving my life.

I sighed deeply as I thought back to all the misery I've suffered over the last few years. I wanted to be happy and surrounded by friends, but my confidence of that lasting was severely shaken. People around me die. They die and suffer.

On top of my dresser was the small centuries-old Miisai tree given to me as a gift from Laranth. I picked it up and placed it on the floor in the middle of my room before I sat down cross-legged in front of it. The little tree always brought me peace. Perhaps today it will bring me insight. I closed my eyes and relaxed my body and mind until I dropped into a deep meditative state. I thought back to the Jedi Code taught to me as a boy, repeating it in my head like a mantra.

There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no death, there is the Force.

Hours later my eyes popped open as a disappointed frown tugged on my lips. I was still tense and confused. My thoughts kept drifting back to Sacha and every time they did a deep pang of guilt washed over me. Nobody could replace Laranth in my heart.

'Letting somebody else into your heart doesn't mean I will be gone from your memory.'

My eyes widened at the sound of Laranth's voice. I looked around my room, but I was alone. My heart started to beat rapidly not knowing if I imagined hearing her or not. "Laranth?" I whispered. "Is that you?"

I waited for a response but the room remained silent. Before she died, Laranth told me she would always be with me through the Force. Was she trying to communicate to me from the other side? "Laranth…I love you." My voice was raw with emotion as I closed my eyes and allowed the Force to flow through me.

"I love you," I repeated in a coarse whisper. I concentrated, trying to steady my breathing and calm my nerves. Over the drumming of my heartbeat I thought I could make out a voice, low and distant. "Live again, Jax. Live and love." The sound was so faint I wasn't sure if I actually heard it. I quickly pulled out of my trance knowing immersing myself so deeply in the Force was never a good idea. The Force essence of the Miisai tree could mask my Force signature somewhat, but I shouldn't push my luck. There was too much at stake.

I stood and returned the tree to its normal location on my dresser. I looked down at my hands and realized I was trembling. This meditative session had me deeply shaken.

Did I hear Laranth?

There were legends of powerful Jedi returning from the dead in a non-corporeal form…but if any Masters at the Temple knew of this technique they never shared that knowledge with their students. I couldn't have heard her.

I sat on my bunk feeling empty, alone and heartbroken. I considered embracing the Jedi philosophy of non-attachment. I pondered that possibility for a moment before rejecting it. Despite the horrific emotional pain I suffered from the death of Laranth…I'm glad I loved her. My attachment to my friends was the only thing that brought joy into my life. The galaxy under Palpatine is a horrible, despotic empire full of death and despair. My friends are my only bright light during these dark days.

"I will always love you," I whispered softly hoping that somehow she heard. I then stretched out on my bed and closed my eyes, hoping beyond hope for sweet dreams of my lost love.