Episode 6:2- Dalek
(Disclaimer: Calvinosaurus= not what you expected. You. Have. Been. Warned.)
"Rose!" Hobbes exclaimed, slamming head-first in his friend.
"Hobbes!" Rose exclaimed.
"Slimy girl!" Calvin exclaimed.
"Stubborn boy!" Rose exclaimed.
"Calvin!" Hobbes added for good effect.
"Hobbes!" Calvin acknowledged.
"Right! Introductions over, then!" Hobbes declared. "Time to tell you about the latest crisis!"
"Oh. This is Adam," Rose remembered. She flapped her hand vaguely in the direction of a teenage boy who was standing in the corner, looking kind of small.
"Uh... hi, then," Calvin greeted. "I'm Calvin, this is Hobbes, and I... think... you... know... the... girl?"
Adam blushed slightly. "Yeah."
"Crisis, crisis, crisis!" Hobbes urged, clapping his paws quickly together. "Come on, come on!"
"You have a tiger," Adam said quietly.
"Yeah," Calvin nodded.
"A tiger."
"Yep."
"An actual, real tiger."
"An actual, real, tiger, yeah."
Adam fainted.
There was a pause.
"This is your boyfriend?" Calvin demanded. "First you had one that blew up 10 Downing Street with a missile, and now you have a pansy that faints at the first opportunity. Honestly."
"I had one before that, and he's not my boyfriend," Rose defended. "And, as I recall, you were the one who blew up 10 Downing Street."
"Yeah, but he pressed the button."
"Ladies, ladies!" Hobbes broke smoothly between them. "We must all be very good friends, and kiss and make up!"
"Shut up," they said together.
"Let's drag your boyfriend," Calvin emphasised the word. "into a room, and make strategic plans."
"He's not my boyfriend."
"Why are you speaking in italics."
"I don't know."
The little council of war- one girl, one tiger, one boy, and one fainted- gathered in a tiny room that had various alien instruments plastered along the walls. The sign on the door said 'Weapons', but none of the conscious occupants were quite so sure about that.
"This is one of the spiders from Platform One!" Rose exclaimed, tapping at a metal sphere. "Except it's not that much of a spider. Anymore. Hey, how did it get here?"
"Eh," Hobbes dumped Adam onto the floor. "There's lots of ways. It could have fallen into a wormhole, or another time traveller could have brought it back."
Rose paused, dumbstruck. "There are other time travellers?"
"Yeah, but none of them have such awesome time machines," Calvin called from his perch on top of a glass case.
"Ego," Rose sang.
"Well, then, computer?" This was directed at the wristwatch, which beeped hopefully. "Tell us all you can about that murdering pepperpot."
A pause, and then... "Item found."
"Tell us!" Hobbes urged.
"The 'murdering pepperpot' described is what is known as a Dalek. There are no known Daleks existing at this point in time. Daleks come from the planet Skaro, and were formerly known as Kaleds-"
"Okay, okay, skip the planet origin," Calvin clarified. "Why are none supposed to exist?"
"Daleks were all killed off in the last Time War when the Time Lords committed kamikaze in a tactical manner, thus killing the Daleks off, and themselves."
"...did your computer just say the word 'kamikaze'," Rose said quietly.
"Yup. Computer, tell us about what the main functions of the Daleks are, please?"
"The primary function of a Dalek, when no known commands exist, is to simply kill. They will achieve this throughout the firing of a laser beam, for which no countermeasure exists. A Dalek will have a number of unique weapons that have functions of their own. Otherwise, the Dalek will obey the commands of the Dalek Controller."
A blip signified the fact that Calvin was powering the computer off.
"Huh," Rose commented. "So, do you know how the Dalek might know you?"
"No, I've never met one bef- hey, how did you know that the Dalek knew me?" he asked accusingly.
"Adam showed me on the monitors. I saw the whole thing."
Hobbes tapped on the wall with an extended claw. "Well, we're time travellers, aren't we? Maybe the Dalek, in the past, has met one of our future selves, which did something to justify killing us."
"Well, the Dalek would be trying to kill us either way," Rose pointed out. "Remember, its primary directive is to 'simply kill'."
"Questions, questions, questions," muttered Calvin, pulling a whiteboard marker out of his pockets, and uncapping it. He moved over to a glass case, and drew a dot on it.
How does the Dalek know us? he wrote. Why is there a copy Transmogrifier Gun? Where are the dinosaur bones hidden?
"Anything else?" he asked. Rose looked slightly shifty, and glanced down quickly at her pocket.
"Uh, nothing here," she said.
"Yes," Hobbes said. Calvin tossed him the marker, and Hobbes scribbled in curvy, slanting writing, how do we get rid of Rose's boyfriend?
"He's not my boyfriend!" Rose exclaimed. Hobbes just grinned.
"Okay. So, first thing we need to do is get rid of the Dalek," the tiger began, throwing the pen back to Calvin. "And then we can consider the rest of the stuff."
"An ambush?" Rose proposed. Hobbes nodded.
"Good idea, but we need some sort of map."
The three of them looked at each other, forming a sort of triangle of glances. Hobbes looked at Calvin, Calvin looked at Rose, and Rose looked at Hobbes. This was very awkward, so they stopped immediately.
"Did someone say we needed a map?" asked a male-sounding voice from the floor. Everyone whipped around, and stared at Adam, who was weakly stirring.
"Yeah," said Rose after a moment. "Yeah, do you have one?"
Adam withdrew a sheet of paper from his pocket, and attempted to toss it to them skilfully, but, it being a sheet of paper, it wafted back in his direction. Blushing furiously, he picked it up, and handed it to Rose. She examined it, tap tap tapping her finger against the glass case covered in scribblings.
"Uh, if we corner it in the security room, we could fill the room up with... I don't know, sand or something? That Transmogrifier Gun of yours has to be good for something."
Calvin thought. "Okay, maybe. Lava might be a better idea, actually."
Hobbes nodded. "Lava."
"Hey!" protested Adam. "You can't just defile Mr Statten's building like that."
Any respect that had been gained, again, went down the plughole. Whee.
"You should be glad that he's not blowing it up," Hobbes snorted. "His solution to everything. Alien infestation? Blow it up. Problem on Platform One? Blow it up. Zombies? Blow them up."
"We need to lure the Dalek into the control room, though," Rose pointed out.
Calvin grinned demonically. "Leave it to me."
Hobbes shuddered with a look of mock-horror. "Oh gosh. You aren't going to blow it up, are you?"
Calvin looked offended. "Of course not! Would I do something like that?"
"Yes."
Calvin pouted. "Right. I'll handle the distraction. You can get everyone out of the way, and the girl can prepare the security room. She can take the Gun, but we'll have to decontaminate it afterwards."
Rose snorted, but accepted the item. Calvin shoved his hand into the center of the room, but the other two had already left. "Aw, come on!" he complained. "We're supposed to all put our hands in the middle, and yell Break!" He paused. "You aren't listening to me. You're not here." Another pause. "Ah well. Getting on to the distraction!"
Cackling maniacally, he dashed out of the room, leaving Adam standing there uselessly. His mouth opened and closed a few times, before he scooped up the (discarded) map, and went to follow them.
"Get out, get out, get out, oops, you're dead, get out," Hobbes directed, strolling down the hallway. He threw open a door, and stopped abruptly. "Oops. Dalek." So saying, he turned on his heel, and dashed out the door, screaming as loudly as he could. It looked like he was incredibly scared. However, if you asked him, he'd say it was a defensive tactic, to scare the monster away and to warn people off. It didn't look like that.
"YAAAAAHHHH- oh, hi, Rose! -YAAAAAA-"
Rose grabbed his arm, making both of them pivot around each other like tops. "What's going on?"
"DALEK!" he yelled. The metal pincushion of a killer rounded the corner, firing rapidly, and yelling 'EXTERMINATE'. Hobbes and Rose both screamed, causing a nice-sounding two-part harmony, and ran for their lives.
"Uh... uh... up the stairs!" Rose decided, leading Hobbes down a hallway at a fast sprint.
"Which stairs?"
"EXTERMINATE!"
"The ones just around the corner!"
"How would you know about them?"
"EXTERMINATE!"
"I just do!"
"Explain!"
"EXTERMINATE!"
Hobbes paused, looking at the stairs in front of them. "Explain... later!"
They ran up the spiral staircase, stopping only when they were at the top. Rose was panting hard. "At least now it can't get us," she sighed.
"ELEVATE!"
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Hobbes breathed. The Dalek was hovering five centimeters above the ground, and, as they watched, it turned and started moving up the stairs. Rapidly.
"Right. Run," Rose promptly declared. They did.
"I really, really, really, hope Calvin's coming in to save our butts right now," Hobbes grumbled. He may have been a tiger, but that didn't mean he didn't want a break now and again. "We need a minor distraction."
"Uh... Adam!" Rose exclaimed.
"Yeah, Adam would make a good distrac- oh, hey Adam!"
"Hi...?"
Rose shoved him out behind them. "You can be our distraction."
Adam looked wildly back and forth. "Wait, what?"
The Dalek rounded the corner, and he screamed rather girlishly. "LOOK AT ME, I'M A DISTRACTION!"
"He does his job very well, doesn't he?" Hobbes remarked.
"Hurry up, Calvin!" Rose yelled, which mingled in with the yells of 'EXTERMINATE' and 'No, Mommy, I don't wanna die!'
A roar from down the hall signified Calvin's arrival. But even Calvin couldn't make that big of a noise. Rose, Hobbes, Adam, and even the Dalek swung around to look.
"Wow," breathed Rose. "I think Calvin went slightly overboard this time..."
REWIND, REWIND, REWIND, REWIND to where we last saw Calvin...
"Now, where are those dinosaur bones?" he muttered, running through the museum. "That way can be Eeny, the other way can by Meeny, straight in front is Miney... but... no Mo."
He paused.
"Eh. I don't like Moe anyway. I think I'll go with Eeny, no offense, you guys."
The pathways did not respond. They didn't usually. Calvin set off along the newly dubbed 'Eeny'. A tiny label that said 'Dinosaurs' was all that showed, but it was enough for Calvin to recognize that there were fossilized bones inside.
"Computer! Engage Insane Awesome Laser Mode!" Calvin yelled. His awesomely ever-present watch beeped, and began to spit out lasers in every which direction. They bounced off the walls, shattering glass all over the room he was currently in. All sorts of alien artifacts spilled out onto the floor, and more than a couple reactivated themselves. Calvin scooped up a bone from the dinosaur case, and held it up to the light.
"Now, if I don't miss my guess..." he cackled. "This is the bone of a Calvinosaur! Computer, set clone mode! And bring this dinosaur to life!"
"Affirmative."
A large whooshing started up, and stray bits of paper and rubbish were caught up in the swirling vortex that had suddenly started up. Calvin was in the centre of it, and he cackled maniacally as a form began to build itself through the wind.
"Rise, my pretty, RISE!" he screeched. "Come to me, come to me!"
This went on for a good 5 minutes, before the vortex stopped. Calvin stepped through the mist, and stopped suddenly.
That's weird, he thought. Shouldn't it be bigger?
Calvin glared at them angrily. "One day," he vowed. "I will find the Calvinosaurus, name it after myself, travel back in time, and sic it on you."
"How threatening," Rose snickered. "Unless it turns out to be an itsy-bitsy little herbivore." She held up her thumb and forefinger about three inches apart. "That would be extremely terrifying, I'm sure."
In front of him was an itsy-bitsy little herbivore that was about three inches high. It had little spines sticking out from all over it, and was brown in color. Calvin stared at it for a moment.
It chirped cutely.
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Calvin screamed in immense exasperation. Or maybe that's not the right word. More like deranged and homicidal, actually.
He stormed around the room, smashing the already cracked glass into bits with his shoes. He crushed the broken remains of a laser gun, which sparked feebly. He kicked a scintillating crystal ball into glittering fragments. He got to the Calvinosaurus, which stared innocently up at him.
He scowled.
It gurgled.
He glared.
It cooed.
He sighed, and scooped it up.
It giggled, in a dinosaur sort of way. He noogied it. "So, you're the Calvinosaurus, huh? I thought you'd be bigger."
It blinked cutely.
"Shut up," he said.
It purred, a bit like a cat.
"Uh, no. Bad idea."
It tilted its head to one side and nodded.
"But yes, I do need a distraction."
It cheeped, and leapt out of his hands, and scampered towards the wrecked remains of the glass and alien artifacts. The little dinosaur perched itself on a large shard, and stared at him meaningfully.
It took a moment for it to click.
"OH, you little genius of a dinosaur!" Calvin cheered. "You have solved the problem, even though all you did was scamper around, and I did all the talking, and... anyway..." he paced over the the dinosaur and crouched down beside it. He picked up a cube that seemed to be blacker than black, if that was even possible. "You see this?"
The dinosaur bobbed its head, and sniffed around on the ground for food.
"This, if I press the right button on it, well, it'll hopefully turn into a battle robot. If not, it'll blow up, and kill me, but I think I can do it right."
Baby Calvinosaurus cooed again.
"And this is a laser blaster. And those marbles over there are radio-controlled mechanical snakes! I can't believe I know all this stuff!"
The dino stared pointedly at a clock.
"Good point, we'd better get going. But first... computer, activate Convenient Plot Point Mode!"
"...what the heck is he riding?" Rose asked. Hobbes scratched his head.
"It looks like a giant metal robot."
"I realized that. What in the world does he think he's doing?"
"CAUSING A DISTRACTION!" Calvin yelled. "Now et-gay oo-tay the-ay ontrol-kay oom-ray!"
The Dalek whirred and spun around. "I-DEN-TI-TY CON-FIRMED. YOU-ARE-THE-DES-TROY-ER. LAN-GU-AGE-NOT-CON-FIRMED."
Rose goggled. "What? The Dalek doesn't understand Pig Latin?"
"Et-gay oing-gay!" Hobbes told her. Rose ran.
"Now..." Calvin grinned. "Forward, my loyal army!"
Hobbes paused. "Wait, what army?"
A surge of all sorts of mechanical and electronic beasts moved forwards from around the corner in one massive wave. There were spiders from Platform One, and a few vicious attack dogs with glowing red eyes. A horde of snakes slithered along, spitting out sizzling red liquid. A little green head poked itself out from underneath Calvin's striped shirt and chittered in happiness. Hobbes's eyes bugged out.
"THE-DES-TROY-ER-MUST-BE-KILLED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
"Forwards!" Calvin cackled again. And a short battle began.
Initially, the Dalek was firing every which way, and was shooting down robot animals left and right. But Calvin soon turned it all around. There were so many on the robots, and more reinforcements in backup, that it simply was too much for the Dalek. After all, even an insane deadly killer robot has its limits. Calvin's robotic army herded the Dalek in the direction of the control room, which Rose had explained the directions to earlier.
"Eady-ray?" Calvin yelled.
"Yeah!" Rose called back.
"In we go!"
The snakes reared up as one and shoved the Dalek backwards into the control room.
"THE-DA-LEKS-CAN-NOT-BE-CON-TAINED!" it blared. "YOU-WILL-FEEL-THE-WRATH-OF-THE-DA-LE-EM-PI-RE!"
"Oh, yeah?"
Rose kicked the hose she had been holding directly into the room, and switched on the Transmogrifier Gun, taping the trigger firmly in place with duct tape. "Take that!" she yelled in glee.
Rose Tyler, the shopgirl with no A-levels, and self-proclaimed failure of the Hullabaloo course class, had rather cleverly rigged the Gun so that when the freezing water spilled out it was turned into lava. She slammed the door, leaving the hose, still spilling lava, trailing into the room. "Ha!"
Calvin nodded. "Nice work."
"Thank you. Hey, where's Adam?"
Calvin glanced around. "I haven't seen him for a few paragraphs. Wonder where he's gone?"
"We can deal with that later!" Hobbes yelled. "What if the Dalek gets into the computer systems and lets itself out?"
Rose shrugged. "Not a problem."
Calvin's brow wrinkled. "No, it is a problem. How did we not think of that before?"
"No, seriously. Not a problem," she repeated. "I had a lot of fun smashing up all the equipment I could find in there."
Hobbes grinned. "Great work."
"Isn't that overkill?" Calvin wondered.
"There is no kill like overkill," Rose declared.
The three of them turned as one, and walked down the hall together. Calvin kept repeatedly bumping into Rose, just to annoy her. She shoved him back, and they got into a bit of a competition to see who could shove the other the hardest.
"Oh, look!" exclaimed Hobbes, stopping suddenly. Rose and Calvin paused in their shoving competition to look. "There's the leader of this little museum. What do you say that we give him a little surprise?"
Rose clapped her hands together three times. "Ooh, can I do it?"
"I think I should do it," Calvin disagreed.
"Let's all do it together," Hobbes decided.
Henry Van Statten's eyes fluttered open. Above him, there were three blurry shapes.
"Ohhh, Heeennn-rrry," sang the one with blonde hair. "Waaakkke uuup, Heeeen-rrry."
"Wha-?" he tried to say.
"Weee are your guuuarrrdiiaan aaaangels, Heeeen-rrry," whispered the tallest one in a growly sort of voice. "And yoooouu have been veeerrry baaad."
He screamed and bolted upright.
"Yowch!" exclaimed Calvin, holding his forehead. "Okay, maybe we aren't your guardian angels, but you've been very bad, and nasty to us. And the Dalek, which is the thing you put in the Cage, and you probably drove it half-insane in the first place."
"Therefore," Rose said, wagging her finger. "We have started filling this place with lava. Doesn't that sound like a great idea?"
"You have a tiger!" screamed Van Statten.
The tiger crossed his arms. "Don't you think you should work on getting the heck out of here?"
"Well, we don't want to hang around very long, do we?" Calvin asked.
"No," the tiger agreed. "Getting killed by lava isn't on my agenda for today."
"Toodle-oo!" waved Rose cheerfully.
They walked out of the room, laughing.
"Ahh, that was brilliant," chuckled Calvin. "Let's get going."
"Back to Calvinball?" asked Rose.
"Sure, why not?"
As they headed towards the section of the museum they had originally parked the Time Machine in, they passed Adam. He had fainted, again, and he was just starting to come around.
"You!" he gasped, jumping to his feet in an amazing show of co-ordination.
"Hi!" Calvin said, waving.
"You guys got rid of the robot thing! That's so cool! Can I come with you?" he gushed.
Rose wrinkled her nose. "Uh... what do you think, guys?" she appealed to her two friends.
"Nope."
"Nah."
She turned back to Adam. "All you've really done so far is faint, stare at me, and try to be helpful. Sorry, you've been vetoed. Better get out before the lava hits!"
They had now reached the Time Machine. Rose took out the key from its chain around her neck, and pressed the button in the centre. The flaps opened, and she entered. Hobbes and Calvin followed. Adam tried to, but the flaps had been shut.
A rip in the fabric of reality opened, and the Time Machine flew off into the Vortex.
Adam screamed his rage into the empty alien museum.
"Hey, what's that?" Rose asked, pointing at the little dinosaur, whose spines stood out all over its body. It was currently examining the colors of the rainbow outer walls of the Time Machine interior. Calvin looked shifty.
"Ah," he said after a moment. "That... that's a Calvinosaurus."
Rose stared at him for a moment.
Hobbes turned from what he was doing at the controls.
There was a long, awkward silence.
Rose and Hobbes began laughing as hard as they could.
"Okay, okay! Shut up! It's not that funny!" protested Calvin. They continued to laugh, Rose collapsing on the thrumming floor, which seemed to be humming with laughter as well. "Be quiet. Please! It might not be a Calvinosaur! It might not be a Calvinosaurus!"
"Affirmative," his watch chipped in. "Species indicated is Heterodontosaurus. Origin: Asia."
Rose stopped laughing. So did Hobbes.
"...oh," she said after a moment.
"...right," Calvin sighed. "We should probably return him, shouldn't we?"
Hobbes nodded, grinning a bit. "We should. But we need to finish our Calvinball game, don't we? And he could be useful."
Rose crept over to the little dino, and stroked his head with a finger. It wiggled a bit, and purred. "What should we call him?"
Hobbes scratched his head. "What about Charles?"
"Charles. That's a good name," agreed Rose.
Calvin groaned. "No, let's call him Insane Awesome Flame Killer Death Bringer Supreme!"
"That's ridiculous," Hobbes scoffed. "Charles is a great name. We're back on Woman Wept, by the way."
Calvin ran over to the trampoline, and executed a perfect leap up. Hobbes pounced directly onto the trampoline, and sailed up.
"I was winning!" Calvin declared, voice slightly muted from the distance.
"There's no objective way to win this game!" Hobbes shot back.
Rose scooped up Charles the Heterodontosaurus, and patted him absently, before rifling around in her pocket, looking for something.
"Hey! Slimy girl, you coming?" yelled Calvin from the surface of the ice planet.
"Yeah, just give me a sec," she called back, finally finding the object, and pulling it out. It was a gossip article, dated just 16 years before she was born.
My Dad Saved the World, the article read.
Underneath, there was a picture of a man.
A large, black dog.
And Rose.
Crying.
(A/N:
And now! This! This! Is! Where! It! Diverges! From! Canon!
From now on, they will not follow the episodes! For a full listing of the summaries and new titles, check out my profile, or my blog. They both have the same stuff on it.
Why did I decide to do this? Well, I had an idea for a scene in which Xxxx xx xxxxxxx Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx xxxx Xxxxxxx Xxxxxx.
...what? You thought I'd tell you? Seriously?
Well, I had that idea, and it could only been done if the episode Faction Paradox was created. So I created it. And redid Father's Day. And the Long Game. Adam will return, no fear! And a girl named Xxx XxXxxxx will be there next week. So tune in then!
Thanks to Golden Keyblade (who put up with me ranting about Deep Breath, which, by the way, was awesome), the PPC (especially Huinesoren) who are letting me borrow their Hypothetical Boarders, A Drama Queen, who is getting smarter every day, my imaginary versions of Rose, Calvin, Hobbes, and the 9th Doctor, who I conduct lengthy imaginary conversations with, and my awesome brother, Kay. Thank you!
~Kitty
Who is an evil criminal mastermind.)