Episode 7:2- The Beast in Space
They all stared at Ace, who was adjusting her black bomber jacket.
"Yes?" she asked, noticing their looks.
Rose thought for a moment. "...I feel like I should know you. Just... can't put my finger on it."
"Huh," she shrugged. "How much do you know?"
"Not much," Calvin admitted. "Just that there's something severely messed up about this place."
"Right." She sat down against the wall and crossed her legs. "Quick overview, then. My motorcycle can travel in time and space, so I travel around fixing stuff and overthrowing bad guys." She glanced at the other three, who were wearing bored expressions and making go on, go on motions with their hands. "You seem oddly unconcerned over the fact that I sound like a loony."
"What, time travel?" Hobbes asked, raising an eyebrow. "Been there, done that."
"Bought the mug," Rose added.
"Blew up the idiot who tried to sell us a T-Shirt," Calvin finished. "Do go on."
"Okay... the thing is, wherever I go, I happen to run into trouble. And this time, I found out about the fact that a bunch of people are trying to resurrect the goddess of Chaos, who just so happens to be named Dischordia. And yes, I know," she added, raising a finger to forestall their arguments. "I know that gods and goddesses don't exist. But some extremely powerful creatures do."
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from divinity," Hobbes recalled.
"Ooh, yeah," Ace nodded. "That's a great way of putting it. Never thought of it like that before. But the people who are planning decided to do it in a place where everyone's naturally inquisitive. Stupid idea on their part, really. So, they're using a delta wave augmentor to communicate subliminal messages while the people are asleep. Hence, the xenophobia. And meanwhile, bits of the 'goddess'," she made quotation marks in the air. "are being assembled as we speak."
Hobbes frowned. "Like.. an arm, for example? A really big arm?"
"Possibly," she allowed. "But you shouldn't be able to see it." Then she stared at him. "You're a tiger."
"Oh, well done, you," he muttered sarcastically. "You're only just noticing this. Why aren't you freaking out?"
"Eh," she shrugged. "Seen weirder things. I was a cheetah, once, for a couple of hours."
"A cheetah?" Rose glanced at her.
"I got better!"
"Why is it important that I'm a tiger?" Hobbes wanted to know.
"Have you noticed that you may see things different from other animals and humans? That's because you have different cones and rods in your eyes, which are the things that allow you to see. Most species of animals have them in different rows, which means that some species- I think a type of squid- can see in infrared, and other spectrums that we can't see. Dischordia happens to be at a different wavelength that most species can't see." She paused, looking thoughtful. "Except for cats, I guess."
"Wow," Calvin looked impressed. "You really know all about this science stuff, don't you?"
"Blame it on the Professor," she sighed. "He drummed this all into my head... but, yeah, sometimes it's useful."
"'The Professor'?" Rose repeated slowly. Ace looked sad for a moment.
"Yeah. A friend. Haven't seen him for years, but..."
"Ho hum," Hobbes clapped his paws together, making everyone jump. "What is the plan?"
"The plan?" Rose asked. "What plan? We'll just run in there, and get rid of the godly body parts. No one will expect us to make a move without thinking about it first."
"That'll teach them to underestimate stupid people," Calvin nodded, agreeing with her for once in his life.
Ace glanced at them. "Funny. The reports I saw about you lot made you out to be slightly more clever."
"I'm clever," Hobbes volunteered.
"The thing is, I had a plan. But with you guys added in... I guess I'll have to change it."
Rose shrugged. "Sure. We have some skills that may help."
Ace scratched her head. "Such as?"
"Well, Hobbes is annoyingly sarcastic and distracts you from important tasks. And Calvin... is incredibly stubborn. And our dinosaur can sit around looking cute."
"And your good qualities?"
"Those were our good qualities."
Ace was beginning to regret this. Slightly. "And what about you?"
"If a bad guy comes around, I can bravely scream, to warn you. I may even bravely faint, to lull him into a false sense of security. While that's happening, you guys can beat him up. Just make sure not to step on me, while I'm being brave."
Ace blinked. "You mentioned a dinosaur? How the heck did you get hold of a dinosaur?"
"Long story," Calvin waved a hand dismissively. "He's on my shirt. Still tiny."
Ace peered at Calvin's stripy shirt and smiled at the small dino. "Right. Here is the plan..."
Calvin cackled evilly.
Phase One- the Distraction
The guards in the spaceport were staring into space, doing precisely nothing out of the ordinary when a small boy, crying frantically, stumbled into their view. His T-Shirt was badly ripped, and there were scratches all over his arms and legs. His yellow hair was flattened down with water, which sent little beads of moisture rolling down his neck.
"Help me," he croaked. The guards glanced up. And even though they would shun a girl crashing through the doors of the spaceport, not even the strongest delta wave transmitter can stop someone from coming to a kid that's been hurt.
Calvin (because of course it was he) collapsed dramatically to the ground, making sure to add in lots of groaning and eyelid fluttering. While the guards were fussing over him and wondering if they should call the paramedics, he surreptitiously shook his sleeve out over the ground, letting four living entities scurry out of it.
"He's a surprisingly good actor," Rose commented in a whisper, following the other two towards the guard room and clutching Charles the Dinosaur in her crooked arm.
Hobbes grinned, and flexed his claws. "I'm a surprisingly good injurer."
Rose glanced at Calvin again, a look of slight alarm on her face. "You mean you actually scratched him up on purpose? Didn't that hurt?"
Hobbes shrugged. "It had to look authentic."
"Alright, ladies. Quit the chatting," Ace called from up ahead. "We've got a tight schedule here."
Rose eyed Hobbes's claws with new respect, hurrying along. "You wouldn't do that to me, right?"
"Of course not!" Hobbes assured her, before coughing slightly. "Well, not unless you made me mad."
Rose gulped, and vowed to always stay on Hobbes's good side.
On the ground behind them, Calvin moaned, and flopped an arm to the floor, revealing more scratched skin. The guards all gasped in horror.
In one swift movement, Calvin jumped to his feet, all traces of injury gone in an instant. He whipped out a small deodorant canister from his pocket and held it above his head.
"Okay, no one move!" he yelled. "One step, and I blow everyone to pieces!"
Ace had explained to him that the canister was, in fact, filled with a substance she had created herself, named 'Nitro-9'. This substance was extracted from gelignite, and, when detonated, had a fuse time of up to 30 seconds. But, she warned him, occasionally it didn't work as planned. 'Occasionally' being most of the time. So if he was going to use it, he'd have to be extremely careful.
But, as anyone can tell you, Calvin is never, ever careful.
The guards took a step towards him. He threw this can. It landed. He began to run.
BOOM.
"Ace!" cackled Calvin, diving through the door.
Phase Two- Split Up
Rose shimmied up the rafters, using gymnastics skills that she hadn't called on for years.
You'll be the lookout, Ace had said. A nice, boring position. We won't need to use your ability to faint. It'll be fun.
Rose had growled at that.
She now swung herself up into a fairly comfortable position on top of some insulation, and dialed Ace's number on her mobile phone. It rang twice, and Ace picked up.
"Hi, Blondie. What's up?"
"Just checking to see that everything's okay. I'm in position."
"Brill. I'm heading to the first generator. See you soon. Call us if there's any trouble."
"Got it."
The phone clicked off, and Rose pocketed it, making sure that it was easy to reach. She arranged some of the insulation fabric into a comfortable setting so she could rest her head back on it. She leaned back, and sighed.
It was a place just like this that Mickey had first asked her out.
They had been hiding from a bunch of boys that were looking to beat him up (he had stood up for a kid that was being bullied) and Rose had known about the place for years. She had always kept it a secret, though. It was a place that she could go to to clear her thoughts and relax. Just at the top of the gym, and accessible only by climbing the ropes in a specific way. She had brought up a few pillows and a copy of Harry Potter, as well as some other books, over time, and a small box of trail mix. The whole setup nestled comfortably behind a system of wires. The only reason she had let Mickey up there was because he was her friend, and she didn't want him to get hurt. That's what she told herself.
"Ha!" Mickey exclaimed, awkwardly perching himself on a cushion. "Nice place."
"Thanks," Rose smiled. "Want some trail mix?"
"Sure." Mickey poked around in the box, picking out all the chocolate bits. "Mm."
"Oi!" She jerked the box abruptly away from him. "No stealing all the goodies!"
They laughed together. They stayed up there for about an hour, not out of necessity, but just to enjoy each other's company.
And then he asked her out.
She stopped, and stared for a moment or two. A steady blush was creeping over his cheeks. "It's okay," he said. "You don't have to, or anything. It's just..."
"Yes!" Rose shrieked, diving on him with a hug. "Yes, Mickey Smith! I will go out with you!"
And they kissed. It was perfect.
"Just one question," Mickey said, pulling back.
"Shoot," she grinned.
"Why is this the first time you've thought about me since leaving with Calvin and Hobbes?"
Rose sat back, startled by the ferocity of the memory, and overcome by sudden guilt. Why hadn't she thought about Mickey? In fact, now that she considered it, it became apparent that she hadn't even spared the slightest thought about him when she was on Platform One, or in 1869, or until she had seen him at her welcome home party.
She stared into space for a long, long time.
Ace wasn't suffering from confused thoughts in the least. She was entirely focused on the job at hand, namely, blowing up the delta wave generator with Hobbes. It was, in retrospect, one of the more fun jobs she'd done. It certainly wasn't the worst. The incident on the mud planet held that dubious honor. Besides, Hobbes was a good person/tiger to talk to.
After her short phone call with Rose, she put away her iPhone 6, and used the Transmogrifier Gun to turn them back into their normal heights. Calvin hadn't minded entrusting her with the technology, claiming that she was the 'coolest slimy girl he had ever met'. Plus, she had lent him some of her explosives. Fair was fair, after all.
She and Hobbes were now playing a variant of 20 Questions, in which they took turns at asking.
"Weirdest adventure?" Hobbes shot at her.
"Hard one. I think it might've been when I accidently created a timestorm in my bedroom, and ended up on Iceworld. Technically not my fault, but still. Most interesting famous person you've met?"
Hobbes scratched his head, turning right. "Maybe Charles Dickens? Or Cleopatra. Favorite food in the universe?"
"Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster."
"That's technically not a food."
"Mm. Number of people you have, accidentally or otherwise, gotten married to?"
"None, actually. Although Calvin did get hitched with Vlad the Impaler- oh, here we are!"
Ace ran her fingers over the plaque. "'Delta Wave Augmentor'. This looks like it." She rattled the handle. "Oh, look. It's locked. Hang on."
She withdrew an odd-looking pointy tool, and inserted it into the lock, fiddling around for a moment before it clicked. "There we go."
"Nice," Hobbes nodded, swinging the door open. There wasn't even the faintest hint of a squeak. "Let's go."
They crept into the room, shutting the door behind them. And then they just stopped.
And stared.
The Augmentor was huge. It filled the whole room, leaving only a little space for engineers and other such spectators to stand in. Complex wires and levers were set in an intricate array that spiralled in the room. Ace bowed her head slightly.
"This..." she murmured. "This is going to be such an honor to wreck to pieces."
Hobbes grinned. "Explosives time."
"Explosives time," she affirmed. She dug into her satchel (which they had liberated from the prison lockup) and removed several cans of Nitro-9, half of which she tossed to the tiger. "Here. Set them up around the room."
He caught them easily, and spun one on his finger, before placing it at the base of the machine. Reaching up as high as he could go, he placed a few on the top. "How do we set them off?"
Ace was putting some into little areas that were hard to reach into, and took some time answering. "Well... I think I got the remote activation working."
"What do you mean, you think?"
"I mean we should probably start running. Now." She finished up, placing the remaining cans in her black bag and zipping it up.
"It was a dangerous case. But that's nothing new." Calvin strode down the hall with his hat throwing shadows over his face. He had somehow managed to obtain a long black trench coat, and had his hands in the pockets. "The dame had come to my door with a job. She was the type that could probably be mistaken for a brute at 50 paces, or even closer. But it's not up to me to judge beauty contests. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a private eye. The job was simple enough, in theory. Find a specific guy, and stop him taking over the city. But, as I've found out in the past, these jobs have a tendency to go pear-shaped, fast."
He pulled a device out of his pocket and attached it to his ever-present electronic watch. It beeped, and sent out a holographic arrow that jabbed itself forwards in an animated loop every few seconds. Calvin followed it.
"I have two partners. One's called Flare Red, and he's not your ordinary crime-buster. You could say he's a cat, but he'd rip you to shreds. He's wild, fearless, and the best partner anyone could have. My other associate's a dame whose mouth is just as fast as her temper. They call her Poison Rose."
His watch rang, startling him out of fantasy world for a moment. He scrambled with the keys for a moment, searching for the 'call answer' button. "Yeah?" he said, picking up.
"Calvin! It's me. Creepy guys dressed in black coming your way. Thought you oughta know."
Calvin nodded. "Poison Rose had called, which meant nothing good was happening. The head honcho of the gang had sent a bunch of thugs my way. I needed a plan, and fast."
"Calvin?"
He shook himself. "Uh, yes, Poison Rose, I mean, yep. I should hide, right?"
"Roger that."
"My name's not Roger."
"I know. Actually, forget it."
She hung up, and Calvin darted down into the room where the arrow was pointing.
Phase Three- Detonation
"Move it!" Ace yelled. "Move it, move it, move it!"
Rose swung down from the top with agile grace. "You set the bombs, didn't you?"
"Explosives," Ace corrected testily. "And yes."
"Where's Calvin?" Hobbes wondered.
"Last I heard, a bunch of guards were going for him. Should I call him up again?"
The tiger nodded. "Please do."
She dialed the number, and retreated into the corner to have the conversation. Hobbes and Ace looked at each other for a moment.
"So..." Hobbes began.
"Are you attempting to start a conversation with me?"
"Uh... yes."
"And you can't think of any topics?"
"Yeah."
She sighed, and crossed her arms over her chest. "Why don't you start with 'why is your name Ace'? That's what people usually ask."
"Why is your name Ace?"
"I hated my original name. Next question."
"What was your original name?"
She directed a glare towards him that would have stopped a Sumerian Beta-Lion from attacking. "I will never tell."
"Fine. What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"African or European?" she shot back without missing a beat.
"Oh, you're good," he sighed. Rose stepped back into the conversation. "What's happening?"
"He's going after the arms," she informed them. "I think we can easily get the legs disintegrated. And maybe the body. He can take the head."
"Wicked," Ace said. "Do we have a DesMat gun?"
"No," Rose said.
"Yes, we do." Hobbes outstretched his paw towards Ace. "Give the gun here."
She stared at him blankly for a moment before it clicked. "Oh!" She removed the Transmogrifier Gun from her pocket, and handed it over.
"Great. Now, as long as I basically understand how a DesMat Gun works..." He aimed it at a rubber bouncy ball in the corner. There was a zap. "Is that it?"
"Yeah," Ace confirmed. "And I think we're safe enough to detonate the explosives. Once the Augmentor is gone, the people in the spaceport will care enough to do some destruction of their own. We might not even need to worry about the head or body."
She held out a little control pad, with a big blue button in the middle. "Who wants to do the honors?"
There was a pause.
"Wait," Rose said. "Isn't the button that controls explosives supposed to be red?"
"Yes," Ace replied. "Which is exactly why this is a different color. No one would expect the detonation button to be blue. It's security, see?"
"I'm pressing the button," Hobbes decided, and did so.
The BOOM could be heard from where Calvin was currently.
Phase Four- Crush, Decimate, Destroy, Repeat
"Ohhh," gasped Calvin, who was flat on his back, gasping for air. "That was the biggest explosion I've heard recently."
Charles squeaked in sympathy, and nibbled slightly on his t-shirt. Calvin swatted him off gently.
He turned to the swirling black vortex in front of him, which presumably held Dischordia's arm. But, not being a feline in any way, shape or form, he couldn't see it. Which made his job that much more difficult.
"Spiff prepares his battle blaster!" he narrated to himself, pulling the Transmogrifier Gun out of his pocket. You see, since he had recovered the exact copy of the Gun from the alien museum, he had taken around to carrying it in his pocket. Just in case.
He paused, considering. Transmogrification wasn't an exact science. In fact, it was anything but. The item changed reverted back to its original state within 12 hours. 14, if you were lucky, which you usually weren't. So, to do this, he would have to be clever.
Uh oh.
He zapped into the middle of the vortex randomly for a couple of minutes, until a small can of beans hit the floor. He cautiously reached underneath the swirls of black, feeling around until he could retrieve it, then held it up to the light, and grinned. Charles seemed to grin as well.
"So this is the arm of the fearsome god..." he muttered. He turned and dashed out of the room, opening the can as he did.
Behind him, the vortex began to sputter erratically, finally imploding in on itself with a floomph.
"Here!" Hobbes called. Rose and Ace turned around. Hobbes was pointing to a large alcove that housed exactly nothing. Rose wrinkled her nose.
"Are you sure?"
"Completely sure," the tiger sniffed. "Just because your eyes aren't as awesome as mine..."
"No, no, no," Ace said hurriedly. "We aren't doubting you."
Hobbes hefted the DesMat Gun over his shoulder, flicking off the safety cap. "Great. Just remember, I'm the one with the big whopping gun. Stand back."
They stood back.
There was a loud noise.
There was a long silence.
"Good job," congratulated Ace. "You just managed to destroy part of a god."
"I really hope this doesn't go on my resume when I try to get into heaven," sighed the tiger. Rose made a sympathetic noise. "Right. Next leg."
Calvin and Charles were sneaking into the kitchens, armed with two cans of beans that were previously the arms of the goddess of Chaos. They could hear lots of screams and panicked firings of guns outside, which probably meant that the Delta Wave Augmentor had worn off. Calvin quickly located a large cooking pot, and dumped the two cans in, giving it a firm stir for good measure.
"Brilliant," he breathed quietly. "I wish I could see their faces when they realize they just ate their god... or maybe I should hope they never find out."
They left the steamy, bustling kitchens to a scene of complete and utter catastrophe outside. Stalls were overturned, people were shrieking in fear, and some other people were yelling just because they could. A group of bipedal cats in nun's robes were attacking a piece of empty space. Maybe it wasn't empty, though. The bits of blood and gore coming from the space being attacked certainly seemed to say otherwise.
"Hey!" exclaimed a voice from behind him.
"Yes...?" Calvin turned halfway around, and was met by a wall of fur that appeared to be intent on hugging him. "Hey, Hobbes!"
"I assume we did it...?" Rose asked, watching the scene with some amusement.
"We did!" Calvin yelled.
"And I got my motorbike back," declared Ace, wheeling the big, black monstrosity in. "Ta-dah!"
"Nice," Rose complimented.
"Well, we must be off!" Calvin exclaimed, dusting his hands off. "Things to see, places to go, evil dictators to overthrow..."
"See you, Ace," Hobbes said, waving.
"Wha-" Ace seemed slightly confused. "No one's called me Ace for a while."
"That's how you introduced yourself," Rose reminded her quietly.
"And I did it without thinking, too."
Rose blinked at her.
"I stopped calling myself Ace a while ago," she said. "Called myself Dorotheè instead. But I haven't been in contact with people for a really long time."
"Maybe it's time for that to change," said Hobbes. She nodded.
"Maybe." She swung her leg up onto the other side of her motorbike, and smiled tentatively. "Bye, then. We might see each other again."
"Bye," the other three chorused, and Charles chittered. Ace- or Dorotheè- paused for a second and quickly dismounted from the bike. She stood right in front of Calvin, and paused for a moment, as if trying to reassure himself of something. And then... she bent down, and tweaked his nose. Just a little bit. But... she did.
"Goodbye," she repeated, and jumped on her motorbike again. It revved, and fizzled out of existense.
In the Vortex, protected from the time winds by her motorbike's shield, she grinned a tiny bit wider, then sobered.
"The Universe needs someone to be the Doctor," she murmured. "I can't think of a more perfect person."
And then, just as she disappeared into the swirling tendrils of the Time Vortex...
"I'm not a little girl anymore, Professor."
"I'm exhausted," Calvin sighed, leaning against the geometrically insane console.
"Seconded," affirmed Hobbes.
"Blah," was all that Rose could say. Charles nudged his head affectionally against her ear.
"I wonder what day it is?" Hobbes asked suddenly, sitting up.
"Why do you ask?" Rose queried.
"Because Sunday night was Movie Night back at home."
Calvin sighed again. "Let's just say tonight is Movie Night. Time's relative around here, remember?"
"Great..." Rose slumped against the ground. "What movie are we watching?"
"Why don't you choose?" Hobbes suggested. Rose wrinkled her nose in thought.
"Do you have The Princess Bride?" she asked.
Hobbes glanced back and forth. "Probably. We have a lot of movies."
"The Princess Bride?" Calvin complained. "Sounds like a Disney Princess movie?"
"Actually, no." Rose managed to get up, and she leaned against the console to support herself. "There swordfighting and big monsters and a torture machine. You'd like it, in fact."
"Sounds good," Hobbes grinned. "Meet us in the movie room?"
"Sure. Charles and I will be along in a moment."
Calvin and Hobbes left the room, presumably to get the movie set up. Rose stroked Charles's back for a moment. "My life's pretty weird, isn't it?"
Charles mewled.
"You coming?" Calvin yelled. "We got popcorn!"
"Coming!" she called.
(A/N:
Wow! Character development. And I didn't manage to get the Brazilian Dancing Monkey text in there... :-/ Well, maybe next time.
Well, catch the references in there and get a prize. Including some references to the Classic Series. Can anyone tell me where Ace's parting quote came from?
Yes, the Doctor did exist in this universe... I'll leave you to figure out the details, although I have got a tiny subplot running.
Next week: Mary Sues! Or not. Possibly.
Shoutout to Golden Keyblade, and his amazing story, which is entitled Calvin's Quest. I recommend you go read it! It's bril. Really.
~Kitty)