DISCLAIMER: I do not own Vampire Knight or it's characters, I merely borrow them for my own and other's amusement. I also do not own Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham or Dragon Ball Z, which inspired this funny chapter.
p.s. I change a few things concerning what will happen when a neko gets drunk. But anyway, please enjoy.
Chapter 5: Neko's Can't Rap
"Okay, so what's the plan?" Kain questioned as the four men huddled together.
"Well I suggest a plan where you three take care of Zero while I sit far away and watch in a safe distance."
"Oh no you don't Hanabusa. You are not weaseling your way out of this."
"Especially since this is your doing." Kaname accused.
"How the hell was I suppose to know he would get high off of catnip!"
"Correction…he is drunk off of catnip."
"Does it even matter at this point, Takuma? Zero is not himself right now…and yes it is my fault that he's like this but you three will never understand the ordeal I went through before you got here. It was horrible." Aidou shivered as he began to remember.
~Flashback~
Aidou had somehow successfully locked himself in the bathroom. His heart was pounding rapidly in his chest. Zero had chased him around the entire apartment for no apparent reason what so ever after he finished the treats and now Aidou was trapped in Kaname's master bath terrified like a little girl. Yet as every minute ticked away, the eerie quietness on the other side of the door was even more nerve racking.
What if something happened to Zero while Aidou hid like a pansy? Aidou shuddered at the idea of being punished by Kaname. And if he had to choose, he would rather risk succumbing to a suddenly crazed Zero than a furious Kaname. Swallowing back his fear, Aidou unlocked the bathroom door and cracked it open a bit. It was then that he could hear the faint sound of the television playing in the living room.
Tip-toeing his way toward Kaname's bedroom door that looked into the living room, Aidou peeked from behind the door toward Zero who eyes were glued to the colorful large screen TV hung on Kaname's living room wall.
At first Zero just stood there staring. Aidou couldn't really tell what the other was watching as a bookcase was blocking his view of the complete living room but after another second or so he got his answer when Zero started mimicking what the TV was doing.
Aidou had to cover his mouth to stop the laughter from coming, as he watched Zero mimic leg kicks to Richard Simmons's work out video. The scenario was so funny that Aidou was shaking from surpassed laughter.
Zero was really getting into it, leg kicks, hand pumps, the whole nine yards. Talk about dedication.
Yet as Aidou watched the other work out, the neko got dangerously closer to the fish tank with each work out and that got Aidou nervous again. Stepping out from the safety of Kaname's room, Aidou entered the living room and dashed toward the remote before the other had time to react.
"What are you doing?" Zero huffed at the other.
"Preventing you from getting me into trouble." Aidou answered as he turned off the TV.
Zero gasped in horror as the screen went completely black. "You monster! You killed Richard Simmons!"
"I didn't kill him, I just turned the TV off."
Zero wasn't listening as he continued. "You are going to pay for what you did."
"Oh yea, what are you going to do about it?"
Zero closed his eyes as he took a deep breath in through his nose and out his mouth. His body moved swiftly into a Kiba Dachi stance. Zero's eyes were locked onto Aidou.
"Uh, what are you doing?" Aidou questioned the other a bit nervous since the other was posed in a karate stance in front of him.
"Ka…me…ha…me…ha…Richard Simmons's turtle chop!" Zero shouted as he threw a punch at the other.
"What the fuck!" Aidou had just barely dodged the punch as he dashed to the side. "What is wrong with you?"
"You slain my sensei and now I will avenge him."
"I fucking told you that I just turned off the T-"
"Ka…me…ha…me…ha-"
"Oh shit." Aidou squeaked, getting to his feet as he sprinted away as Zero gathered up his power for another attack.
"…Richard Simmons's Monkey kick!"
A gust of wind from Zero's kick blew the blonde across the living room. Aidou grunted as he landed on his bum, his back to the fish tank.
Zero stepped forward. "No where else for you to go little man."
"Zero wait! Please let me show you that he's all right, just let me-" Aidou started, reaching desperately for the remote in his back pocket but the remote had broke from the fall and now it wouldn't turn on the TV.
"It's time you pay the price, blonde assassin."
"Blonde what?"
"Ka…me…ha…me…ha…Richard Simmons's Tiger claw!"
Aidou squinted as he dodged again as Zero's punch swung downward right into the glass fish tank. Aidou wasn't able to run for cover as the water shot out the tank like a fire hose, sending both him and Zero back and across the other side of the room.
Aidou spit some of the water out of his mouth before surveying the situation. His mouth dropped as his eyes came upon the gaping hole in the fish tank and at the three-inch water that surrounded Kaname's living room. It was fortunate in a way that Kaname's living room dipped inward like a mini bowl of sorts, since at least it made it deep enough for his fishes to swim but not so much since Aidou knew he was going to have to clean it up. Yet that was less worse than what Kaname would do when he saw this when he got back.
"Ahoy landlubber!"
Aidou got taken away from his thoughts when his attention was directed toward Zero who was standing on the table completely naked. His now wet clothes were turned into a sail that was fastened on a broomstick that Zero tapped to the end of the table.
A lot of things were swimming around Aidou's head at this point but the one that disturbed him the most was how the other could have had the time to do this so damn fast. He was like the superhero Flash the way he worked.
Aidou was exhausted from the many quick events that happened yet somehow the hours seemed to go slowly. Aidou had to call Kaname and let the other know to come home quick, the way Zero was now was way too much for him to handle but as Aidou pulled out his phone from his pocket he grumbled when the damn thing wouldn't turn on.
'It must've short circuited because of the water.' The blonde thought and frowned. 'Just my luck.'
"Is that red?" Zero asked almost in a daze.
Aidou looked at his red case and nodded at the other who seemed to have a grin plastered on his face now.
Aidou swallowed the lump in his throat as he slowly began stepping backwards. Yet the other couldn't get away this time as Zero captured him with his lasso. How the other somehow obtained a rope was beyond Aidou but now he was under Zero's mercy as the other began stripping him of his clothes.
"Have you gone mad Zero?" Aidou shouted at the other as he tried to struggle. "Because if you ask me I would say yes you hav-AH!"
Aidou was silenced as Zero spanked his bottom with a ruler. Something else that just seemed to come out of nowhere.
"Treacherous shipmates should behave." Zero purred.
"What!" Hanabusa barked but was silence when Zero put tape over his mouth.
"It's time for bad shipmates to shut up and go to jail now."
Aidou was shoved unceremoniously under the table while the other got back on up on it.
"I am the undefeatable Captain Silver Beard, unstoppable and mighty. I shall celebrate my win with a victorious serenade!"
-End of flashback-
Aidou shook at the memory. "It was hell. Absolute hell. You have no idea how annoying it was to be trapped and have to listen to him sing for two hours straight. Just horrible."
"Oh man up, will you." Kain spat. "It's enough already that you had to retell us your traumatizing experience again, but because of you we wasted a good ten minutes because of it."
"Hey, I have feelings too you know!"
"Would the two of you stop already? Remember we have to capture Zero." Kaname reminded.
"Yea but we're sucking badly at it." Takuma pointed out.
During Aidou's flashback story the boys all decided on a full out frontal attack on the silver haired Neko. However, the combat skills of Zero were no match for the four men whom were losing horribly to the other.
"What's the matter landlubbers can't catch the mighty Silver Beard?" Zero taunted as he dashed away from each of them as they tried to grab him.
"He's like a pouncing Bami!" Kain was wheezing out of breath. "How do we win against him?"
"I don't know but I want to ring his neck." Aidou threatened as he got up after falling flat on his face when he slipped on a fish.
"Be careful Aidou! You almost squished Cynthia!"
Takuma, Kain and Aidou looked at Kaname as he petted his Angel Fish named Cynthia before setting her free again in the little pond that was Kaname's living room.
"Like seriously Kaname?"
"So what if I name my fish!" Kaname narrowed his eyes at his friends who had spoke in unison. "Don't judge me!"
"Have you landlubbers given up?" Zero looked at the other's as he towered over them as he stood on the table.
"No, we just decided on a game to play." Takuma countered making Zero's ears perk and the other's look at him confused.
"Just play along." Takuma whispered to his friends.
"What kind of game?" Zero asked excitedly, tail wagging happily.
"One where a contest is involved."
"Can it be a rapping contest?" Zero beamed.
"Uh…sure."
"Yay!" Zero leaped from the table to the floor and pointed to Aidou. "I want to play against him."
"What! Why me?"
"I want to make you my slave when I win." Zero grinned.
"Tch…lucky." Kain, Takuma and Kaname huffed, scowling at the blonde.
"Like I said before, you guys really have some weird taste in hobbies."
"Don't judge us!" The three said together.
"Whatever." Aidou rolled his eyes before focusing them on Zero once more. "But if I win you have to let Kaname spank your butt and bite your ear, okay."
"Fine, now let's get this started." Zero accepted, then pointed at Kain and Kaname. "You two be the judges as I go first then him."
"Then what will Takuma do?"
"Don't worry Kaname, I will provide the music." Takuma added and shocked his friends when he started beat boxing.
Zero nodded his head to the beat before going.
"Yo, yo this is Zero,
My names a number,
Anyone with a problem with it
I'll spit in your eye
And make you cry,
Then I'll whack you like a fly.
I don't like the color red
it's gross and smells like dread,
but I do like spaghettiOs
And Honey Nut Cheerios.
But I won't let anyone have some
cause Trix's are for kids yo."
Zero ended by crossing his arms over himself and nodding his head like a rapper.
Aidou wasn't sure if he should feel relief or sorry for the fact that Zero's rap made no sense what so ever and sucked terribly bad. Either way, he had to make his better than Zero's.
Taking a nervous breath, Aidou started.
"Do you like
Green eggs and ham
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham…"
"Is he trying to rap Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham?" Kain whispered over to Kaname.
"Yea I think so."
Kain shook his head, embarrassed for his own lover.
"Would you like them
Here or there?
I would not like them
Here or there.
I would not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
Green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am."
Aidou ended it with the same move as Zero but this time he add a 'sticking out his tongue because he doesn't give a damn' gesture for dramatic purposes.
Kain and Kaname didn't know whether to be embarrassed or disturbed on how ridiculous the blonde and neko looked. Both their raps were horrible, not to mention unoriginal. Yet they knew even before the game started who the winner was going to be.
"Aidou." Kaname and Kain announced together.
"What? That is totally like unfair." Zero protested.
"Yea, I agree. Hanabusa totally cheated."
"Would you stay out of this Takuma?" Kain barked at him.
"I call for a rematch right no-" Zero started but was silenced when Kaname swiftly spanked his butt and bit his ear.
Zero swayed a bit before falling into Kaname's arms fast asleep.
"Well that took no time at all." Kain uttered.
"That's because Kaname cheated." Takuma muttered.
Ignoring a disappointed Takuma who was set on seeing a rematch, Kaname gave a sigh of relief. The whole crazy night was over and with the main troublemaker fast asleep, the next step was cleaning up this mess.
"Oh Aidou-kun~" Kaname said eyeing the blonde who was the cause of everything. "I think it's time for your punishment now."
Aidou whimpered at the scary look on Kaname's face, making him wish that the drunken Zero were still awake to save him from the silver haired neko's master.
TBC…