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Stages of Grief

Flashback

It was the night before Thanksgiving and Lacey was due home the next day from her freshman year of college. Andy and Kelly were both at firehouse 51, where Kelly had recently joined rescue squad. That year, Kelly's dad was gone for the week, off on some camping trip with some of his old friends. With little family in town, Kelly got invited to spend Thanksgiving with the Darden family. Having known each other since kindergarten, Kelly was pretty much family anyway. He was having a beer with Andy and his dad, watching the Blackhawks game when they heard someone coming through the door.

"Surprise!" Lacey said from the entryway to the living room where she dropped her bag.

"Lacey!" Andy laughed, getting up to hug her; they hadn't seen each other since she left for school in August. "What are you doing back already?"

"I got an earlier flight," she grinned. "Where's your wife?"

"With your mother," their dad answered, getting up from his seat to hug his daughter. "As if they're not already making enough for tomorrow, they went out to get more pie crusts."

"I won't complain about that," Lacey laughed. She looked over to where Kelly was still seated on the couch, giving him a small wave. "Hey Kelly."

"Hey Lace," Kelly nodded at her. "How's school?"

"Good," she smiled, grabbing her bag from the ground. "I'm exhausted though, I'm gonna go lay down for a little." As she headed towards the stairs to go to her room, their dad went out to the kitchen to grab another beer. Though he didn't think he would, Andy caught Kelly leaning forward a little to check out Lacey as she walked away.

"Dude," Andy complained, smacking his friend over the head as he sat back down next to him.

"What?" Kelly asked innocently, laughing a little.

"That's my sister," Andy reminded him.

"Well, your sister got seriously hot," Kelly commented, wondering when that happened.

"Lacey's my baby sister Severide," Andy said seriously, having taken protecting Lacey seriously since the day she was born. "Not some random girl for you to pick up."

"That hurts man," Kelly said, feigning offense. "And, by the way, you sound like Heather." Andy ignored the comment.

"I'm not kidding around Kelly," Andy warned.

"I am," Kelly assured him, finishing his beer. "Come on man, she's your sister. I wouldn't do that."

Kelly woke up that night, the memory coming to him in a dream. It had been nearly a month since Andy's accident. He looked over to Lacey, his arm draped over her waist. This was one of only a handful of times that she had stayed over since the accident, when before she used to stay there almost every night. She wasn't doing much sleeping though and he caught her wide awake, staring up at the ceiling.

"You all right?" Kelly asked sleepily, squeezing his arm around her middle.

"Fine," Lacey nodded, though she wriggled from his grasp to sit up on her own, running a hand through her hair before turning on the light.

"What are you doing?" Kelly asked as she threw back the blankets. She pulled her shorts on under Kelly's t-shirt that she had been sleeping in.

"I should go," she said, not looking at him as she slid on her flip flops.

"It's late," Kelly protested as she grabbed her bag from the floor. He hated when she tried to leave in the middle of the night. She was pulling further and further away from him since the accident happened.

"Yeah, but I remember I told Heather I'd take Sean to the school with me since Jack has that doctor's appointment," Lacey told him.

She had started her job at the elementary school where Sean and Jack both went a week before. She had been staying with Heather and the boys at the house mostly, helping out since Andy had passed away. Heather wasn't having the easiest time adjusting, which Lacey understood. She wasn't exactly having the easiest time either, averaging three or four total hours of sleep per night.

"It's after one," Kelly continued, getting out of bed now and coming over to the door where she was preparing to go. "You shouldn't be driving."

"I'm fine Kelly," Lacey mumbled, opening the door to go.

"You've barely slept in weeks," Kelly argued, pushing it shut. He worried about her driving in the morning with how exhausted she looked, let alone at night. Some days he was surprised she didn't just drop over from being so tired.

"And I wonder why that is," Lacey snapped at him. Kelly seemed almost hurt by what she said. "God, I'm sorry," she sighed as she took her face in her hands. What was going on with her? She had been snapping at Kelly a lot lately, though she knew that nothing was his fault. Stress and sleep deprivation were starting to wear at her. "I didn't mean...you know...I just-"

"You're fine," Kelly promised, pulling her hands off her face. "Your brother, the kids, new job. No sleep? Easy for you to get stressed out." He pulled her into him, hugging her to his chest.

"I just want to go back to normal," Lacey mumbled into his chest; Kelly could feel light tears against his skin.

"Mmmm, I know," Kelly agreed, running a hand over her hair. He pulled back to look at her and she wiped at her eyes quickly to keep from crying. "If you really want to go back tonight, I can follow you." He gave her a half smile. "Or, you can stay, and I'll just get you up when I leave in the morning." He shrugged. "If you're worried about the time or something, I can run by the house and grab Sean before my shift."

"Kelly," Lacey said gently, biting her lip. The Darden house hadn't been exactly welcoming towards Kelly since the accident. The boys were happy to see him when they saw him out, running over to hug him, but Heather always hurried them by. It was evident who she was throwing the blame at.

"Right, Heather," Kelly mumbled; he shook his head like he was trying to shake it all from his memory. "Stay, please?"

"Ok," Lacey finally nodded, giving in to stay the night.

The next morning, Lacey got up with Kelly and Shay as they got ready to leave for their shift. Normally, she slept a little longer, but since she had to go back to the house to get Sean she woke up with them. By this point, Shay knew about their relationship. Lacey had shown up at the apartment a few times since the accident, her face streaked with tears as she looked for Kelly. She was the only one that knew officially though, since Kelly and Lacey were still keeping things pretty low key. It didn't seem right to let everyone know about them so soon after her brother's accident, even if it wasn't really anyone's business.

"Morning Lacey," Shay smiled at her as she came down the spiral staircase. Kelly was upstairs in the shower while Shay was at the counter eating breakfast. "You want any breakfast?"

"Nah, I'm ok, thanks," Lacey brushed it off. In all the time Lacey was spending at the apartment this past month, Shay never really saw her eat much of anything, though they ordered food with Kelly all the time.

"Nothing?" Shay asked. "Orange juice, or-"

"I'm fine," Lacey stopped her. "But thanks," she added quickly, smiling a little.

"Sure," Shay nodded, watching Lacey slip on her shoes by the door and grab her bag. "You're leaving?"

"I have to grab Sean before work," Lacey explained, opening the door.

"Aren't you going to say goodbye to Kelly?" Shay asked in confusion. He had said that Lacey had been withdrawing since Andy has passed away.

"I'll see him later," Lacey shrugged. "Bye."

"Bye," Shay shrugged back as Lacey left, finishing her cereal. Upstairs, she could hear Kelly getting out of the shower. She sighed, knowing what a hard time he was having right now, between losing his best friend and now worrying about Lacey all the time. Shay was also worried that Kelly had started to feel guilty since Andy had died, not only because of the accident but also because he had been seeing his little sister.

"Where's Lace?" Kelly asked, coming downstairs.

"Ah, she left," Shay answered honestly. "Like fifteen minutes ago or something." Kelly groaned, taking a seat at the counter next to his roommate. "Bad night?"

"She tried leaving again," Kelly explained. "In the middle of the night, just decided that she couldn't stay anymore."

"She's just having a really hard time right now," Shay said gently. "And you guys were best friends her entire life. So it's going to be hard for awhile to see you and not think about him. You know?"

"That's real comforting Shay," Kelly muttered sarcastically, wincing as he reached a hand over to rub the pain in his shoulder. "Um," he hesitated. "Did you..."

"In my bag," Shay answered grimly, not happy about the new role she had taken in helping him. He had been injured in the fire that killed Andy, hurting his shoulder pretty badly. Over the last month he had been covering up the pain with medication provided to him by his roommate.

"Have you talked to Lacey about your shoulder?" Shay asked, though she was pretty sure of the answer.

"I don't need to give her another reason to be freaked out," Kelly told her. Lacey had already worried about the firemen in her life, starting with her dad as a child and then it moved on to her brother and Kelly. Now, her worst nightmare came true and she had lost Andy. Kelly didn't want to add fuel to this by telling her that he had also gotten hurt.

Lacey pulled up to the house, picking up Sean before heading over to the school. It was still hard to be at the house. Sometimes Lacey expected Andy to come in the front door or out of the garage after fixing something on his car. Shaking her head, Lacey put on a smile for her nephew and drove him the rest of the way to the school. Since she had to be there before most of the students, he stayed in her classroom with her until his classmates started to show up in the first grade room down the hall. As they sat quietly in the room, Lacey letting Sean pull some of the paints out of the cupboard, she heard her phone start to vibrate on her desk. She expected it to be Kelly, but instead it was one of the other firemen, Matt Casey.

"Hello?" she answered, concern immediately in her voice. Why would someone else be calling her from the firehouse? "Matt, is everything ok?"

"Fine," he promised quickly. "I'm not even at the house yet, I just um..."

"What?" she asked in confusion.

"I can't look at Andy's locker anymore," Matt admitted. "It's too hard, seeing his name on the door." He sighed. "Heather won't even turn on the same street as the house, I'm wondering if you would want his stuff?" She didn't answer right away as she contemplated it. Lacey hadn't been to the house yet either, nor had she seen any of the other members. "If you have lunch or something. If not-"

"No, I will," Lacey cut him off. "My lunch is at eleven thirty, is that ok?"

"That's perfect," Matt told her. "I'll see you then."

Lacey's stomach was in knots as she parked her car outside the firehouse. Having a hard enough time as it was, she had been avoided coming here completely. She wanted his things from his locker though and if Heather wasn't going to come get it, she certainly wasn't just going to let it sit there. Twisting her hands, she made her way up the sidewalk to the entrance.

Coming into the firehouse, she immediately spotted Kelly and the others on rescue squad sitting at their usual table though none of them noticed her yet. There was another fireman there that she had never seen before and she figured it was the new candidate; he was giving a tour to a bunch of elementary school kids that were on a field trip. She swallowed hard over the lump in her throat, her heart heavy as she knew the reason they got the new kid. As she walked over towards the group, Matt came out of the rec room. As she got closer, she could hear Kelly and Matt bickering over truck versus rescue squad. In front of all those kids?

"Don't you guys ever get tired of that?" Lacey asked. They both looked over at her, with Kelly being surprised to see her there.

"Oh, hey Lacey," Matt nodded at her. "Do you, um..." He didn't know how to say it, but he pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the rec room.

"Yeah," Lacey nodded, not wanting him to say it. She went to follow him, but Kelly caught her hand gently as she attempted to just breeze by the table.

"I didn't know you were coming in," Kelly said, his eye brows scrunching up in confusion.

"It was just a last minute thing," Lacey brushed it off, taking her hand back. "Matt, um, got Andy's stuff from his locker and was going to give it to me."

"I could have gotten it for you," Kelly offered, feeling a bit defensive. In addition to Heather's blame, he was also feeling the blame on Matt's end as well. They had plenty of arguments over what went wrong that day.

"I didn't even know it was here," Lacey shrugged honestly. "I'll just talk to you later, all right?" She patted his shoulder as she walked past him to head in Matt's direction though he had already gone. It killed Kelly that he couldn't just act like a normal boyfriend around her because of their secret.

"Hey," Hadley said, getting Kelly's attention. "Don't worry about it man."

"Worry about what?" Kelly asked curiously; he figured some people may have caught on to him and Lacey and he wondered if people were going to start asking about it now.

"Casey and Lacey," he answered. "I mean, he just split up with Hallie." He shrugged. "And, either way, who goes for their friend's sister?"

"That's so wrong," one of the others on squad nodded in agreement.

"Why are you telling me this?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know," Hadley shrugged. "I figured if anyone was gonna step up and look out for Lacey it'd be you. Thought you'd be worried about someone trying to make a move on Andy's sister."

"Well, I'm not," Kelly said, a little more crossly than he meant to.

Lacey continued to twist her hands nervously as she followed Matt into the rec room. Mouch and Cruz were on the couch, watching tv. Herrmann was in the kitchen, while Dawson and Shay were sharing something at the table. When she came in, everyone noticed and gave her that same look. She hated getting that look, she had been receiving it since the funeral. It was that look that said, poor girl lost her brother in an accident. The look didn't make her feel better, it made her feel sicker.

"I'll be right back," Matt promised, heading out of the room to go to the locker room where he had left Andy's things. Lacey nodded, giving a small polite wave to everyone else.

"Hi guys," Lacey said softly. Everywhere in this room she saw her brother.

"Hey Lacey," they all said separately, nodding at her.

"How are you doing Lacey?" Dawson asked nicely, nodding at her to sit down with her and Shay.

"Fine," Lacey answered, taking the seat. "Kinda wishing people would stop looking at me like I'm a puppy in one of those ASPCA commercials." She sighed, giving a small smile so they would know she wasn't angry or upset. "But, I uh, guess this is new territory. So..." Dawson gave a half smile back.

"So, Lacey," Herrmann jumped in, changing the subject entirely as he got her to look over. "My youngest, Katie, loves being in your class. It was all she could talk about the other night."

"Good," Lacey smiled. "I'm glad. Katie's really sweet, I'm happy to have her." As she finished saying this, she noticed Matt coming back with the box. A sinking feeling in her stomach, she got up from the table as he came closer, taking it from him.

"Thanks," she said quietly, briefly glancing down at her brother's things. "I, um, gotta go. My lunch is almost over. But, uh..." She held up the box a bit. "Thanks, for these."

"You want any help with that?" Matt offered.

"No, it's fine," Lacey waved him off. She could handle the box on her own, plus Kelly might come unglued given the current status of his relationship with Matt. "I'll just see you guys later."

"Are you coming to the barbecue Saturday?" Dawson asked her.

"Oh, you should," Shay nodded in agreement. "It'll be fun."

"Um, maybe," Lacey half promised. The thought honestly hadn't even crossed her mind. "I'll let you guys know." She looked to Matt. "Thanks again."

"Sure thing," he assured her, watching her leave. Lacey attempted to just walk by Kelly's table again, but he got up to follow her out to her car. She knew that he was behind her but didn't stop as she opened the backseat of her car to put the box in gently. As she turned around, he was pretty close to standing right on top of her he was so close.

"Before you ask, I'm fine," Lacey told him, walking back around to the driver's side to get in.

"That's such a line of shit," Kelly said, following her around and shutting the door before she could get in. He was tired of her avoiding him, both at home and out around people.

"And you know that because..." Lacey said skeptically like she didn't believe him.

"You just picked up a box of your brother's things from his locker. There's no way you're fine right now."

"Then you don't know me as well as you thought," Lacey deflected.

"Did you talk to Casey about any of this?" Kelly asked her.

"Oh God," Lacey scoffed. "Please don't make me part of the pissing contest between the two of you."

"Hey, I don't even care if you're turning to him," Kelly informed her. "Because at least it means you talking to somebody." She wouldn't look at him. "Lace, you don't have to put up this front like you're dealing with it." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I mean, hell, I hope you're not doing it for me because I can deal with it on my own. You need to worry about you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you spend about ninety percent of your time running around worrying about things you can't fix," Kelly snapped at her, though he hadn't meant it to be mean. He only wished she spent some of her time trying to heal herself rather than Andy's wife and kids.

"Well, it feels selfish," Lacey snapped back, not noticing the tears that had started to silently spill out. "Because I can't even imagine what it's like to lose a husband or father and-"

"He was your brother Lace," Kelly reasoned gently. "That's not something you can just brush off and pretend it doesn't matter."

"I can't handle it," Lacey confessed. "I can't feel that kind of sad. Because then I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't-"

"I'm here to help with that," Kelly tried telling her. Behind them, they could hear the alarm going off inside, signaling that Kelly and all the others had to leave on a call. Kelly groaned, not done with this conversation yet.

"We'll talk about it tonight, ok?" Kelly said quickly, giving her a kiss on the forehead before hurrying back inside.

"Mhmm," Lacey nodded as he left, nervous now every time he left on a call. She was afraid that intense feeling of worry was never going to go away.

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