A few days after the Bernie's awful nightmare, she and Howard made their way to Sheldon and Amy's apartment. That night they reluctantly chose to watch all of their friends' children, since everyone was going to a banquet for the newest professor, who would be receiving tenure. Howard and Bernadette had the option to attend, however, they both felt it was pointless since Howard wasn't able to obtain the position. Instead, they decided to gain some parental experience points by watching the babies they knew best. As they walk through the front door, Penny was finishing Amy's make up. Layla walked out from the back bedroom with a pumped bottle of milk in one hand and Ravali in the other. Despite his craziness at the hospital, Sheldon was a fantastic father, he was protectively watching over his children as they slept in the living room bassinet. Peter, Lukesh, and Aadi were busy watching the newest Marvel movie, while Leonard held not only an equal interest, but a squirmy baby Lanie. Raj was looking through the diaper bag to double check on a pajama situation.
"Hey Guys!" Howard laughed, breaking the room's intense consentration.
"Oh, good you're here!" Layla smiled, "We all have a lot to go over with you."
"Ok," Bernie responded shyly, "Who wants to start?"
"I guess I will," Layla sighed noticing her busy friends, "My kids are pretty easy. The boys will eat anything you make them, and I just pumped some breast milk for Vali. Mine is on the top shelf, and she takes a bottle pretty well. At night, she goes down at seven and the boys' seven thirty. Aadi and Luke will not sleep without their superhero jammies. They also get two bed time stories each. Oh, and you both know about Ravali's separation anxiety, so she'll scream and cry for about ten minutes after we leave and then will be fine. Sound good?"
"Perfect!" Howard nodded, "Who's next?"
"Leonard tell Howard and Bernadette about the kiddos," Penny mumbled with a brush in her mouth.
"Oh…ok honey," He replied eye's still glued to the movie.
"Leonard! The children!" his wife yelled again.
"Right! Right!" the man jumped out of his boy like trance, "Lanie, she an amazing eater, we have milk in the middle shelf and she eats like every two hours. It's kind of ridiculous. We also mix a little bit of formula in there just to test to see if she carries my lactose intolerant gene. So far so good. We have a little scoop in the container. Only do half of a half. Sadly, Peter over here does, so no cheese, no milk, he'll try to sneak some so you have to watch him. Lanie sleeps at seven, and Peter probably won't sleep for you. He's been having nightmares lately and going to bed terrifies him. However, if you can get him down that's great!"
Peter looked to his Nee nee with frightened eyes as his father spoke of bed time.
"It's ok buddy, I've been having bad dreams too," She smiled, "So we can get through them together!" The boy clung to her legs until Howard lifted him in to her arms.
"Ok, my turn," Sheldon announced as Howard and Bernadette looked at him with worried expressions.
"You might want to take notes," Leonard laughed with a wink.
"No they will not, I have already done that for them," he replied pulling out a novel sized book, "I couldn't trust Howard to remember all of the instructions and Bernadette has baby brain so there would be no chance that she could remember any," the couple looked at the physicist, offended, "So I give to you, the Cooper twins analytical dietary, bowl movement, and sleepy time log. It's the most recent copy. All I ask from you is that you follow the guidelines written on the first fifteen pages and then log them on the next available page. Also, keep your eyes open for any sighs of genius, not that either of you would recognize them, but still it's worth asking!" Sheldon chuckled to himself as Bernadette and Howard rolled their eyes.
"Anything else?" Howard asked.
"Oh ya,"Raj began, "I think this goes for everyone, No more TV or sweets." The rest of the group nodded in agreement.
"Do you think you can handle this?" Penny looked at her friends' wide eyed expressions.
"Ya, I think we do," Bernadette smiled with a bit of confidence.
"Alright, if you need anything. Please call us," Amy sighed, reluctant to leave her babies for the first time.
"But Amy," Sheldon whined, "Phone calls will ruin the evening. They are babysitting so we can be away from the babies, not to get hourly updates, that's what the log is for."
"Call," Amy ignored him and looked towards the couple before her.
"Will do," Howard squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, "Now you guys good luck, and have fun!"
"Can do," Leonard nodded, placing Lanie in Howard's arms, "Thank you."
"It's no trouble!" Bernie giggled as Layla hand her Ravali.
"Now you kids be safe, and don't make any more babies while you're out!" Howard laughed, shooing his friends out the door.
The moment the door latched baby Ravali began to scream, waking both the Cooper twins. Howard and Bernadette tended to the three crying infants, and laid the happy go lucky Lanie in the pack and play. However, this only disturbed her and cause her to sob as well. At that exact moment the Marvel movie ended and three rambunctious boys began to terrorize the house with their antics.
"What do we do?!" Howard turned to his wife terrified watching the boys jump from one piece of furniture to another, without a baby free arm to catch them.
"Uhh…I don't know? Start dinner?" She shrugged.
"With what pair of arms?" He questioned.
"Uh… here…we'll put Ravali in the bouncy seat, Sheldon 2 in the swing and I'll hold Lanie and Perrin while you make dinner." Bernadette directed her husband.
"Ok…" Howard did as he was told, "What do I make?"
"I don't know, bottles and kid food! Figure it out!" she shouted.
Only ten minutes later Howard had chicken fingers and fries in the oven and four bottles in some hot water on the stove. Bernadette was busy bounce two babies in her arms, one with her foot, and keeping a close eye on the one in the swing. Lukesh and Peter were jumping on the couch next to her, as Aadi played with Bernie's hair, tossing it around her.
"That's it I'm turning the TV on!" she yelled under stress.
"Wait, but they told us not too!" Howard turned to face her.
"Do I look like I care? Turn on the dang movie and stick them in front of it!" Bernadette yelled sounding an awful lot like Howard's mother.
Denying his friends' wishes, Howard turned on another superhero movie. At that exact moment the room went silent, it was if the movie provided comfort to everyone. Bernadette laid her head back and took a breath as Howard finished dinner. The boys lazily picked at their food as they watched the movie. The couple took two babies each and fed them their designated bottles before getting them ready for bed.
"You ok?" Howard turned to his wife as she laid Sheldon two in his crib.
"Ya, just a little uncomfortable," Bernadette yawned, rubbing her hands across her lower back.
"Hey," he pulled her into his arms, "How about you go take a nap while I put the boys to bed."
"Are you sure?" Bernadette replied hesitantly.
"Ya, this baby needs a nap," Howard patted her belly before sending her off to sleep on the couch.
The moment Bernie's head hit the pillow she passed out. What only seemed like a minute later Howard gently shook her awake. The apartment was silent and they were the only two in the living room.
"Mind if I cuddle up with you, momma?" Howard winked.
"Not at all, daddy" Bernie winked back, as he climbed on to the couch next to her.
Only fifteen minutes later, little feet stormed out the back bedroom, Peter had another nightmare. The poor boy ran full speed into her aunt's arms as she pulled him into what she had left of a lap.
"Hey bud, its ok you can stay here with us," Howard replied patting his back. Then another pair of feet trailed out of the bed room, "Hey Aadi, what's up?"
"Lukie is sick," the little boy started to cry.
"Honey what happened?" Bernie asked as Howard walked towards him.
"He frew u…" with that Aadi too, vomited in Howard's shoes.
After Howard threw his shoes in a plastic bag and cleaned up all of the puke, they laid all of the boys on the couch with trash cans. Once they were all settled one of the babies began to sob. Bernadette went in to the bed room, it was Lanie, and boy did she have a stinky diaper. Bernadette went to change her and it was clear she was having tummy troubles. Her wails began to stir Ravali, and all hell would break loose if she woke up.
"Howard!" Bernadette yelled to her husband for back up, but it was too late, she was up and as loud as ever. Howard ran into the room and picked her up, thankfully unlike her brothers, Vali was well. Soon the Cooper twins began to scream as well.
"Bernie, can you grab one of them?" He asked.
"I can't, I'm changing Lanie! She might need a bath! How much formula did you give her?" she asked.
"Half a scoop per bottle!" he responded.
"Oh my gosh, Howard that's too much! Looks like she has Leonard's genes." Bernadette yelled as she ran into the bathroom.
The awful evening didn't end there. The boys continued to vomit and Lanie had several more uncomfortable accidents. Sheldon 2 peed on Howard and of course the two other girls didn't stop screaming for their nightly bottles. There were a couple pajama changes, which resulted in some unhappy children. In the end Howard and Bernie couldn't tell who fell asleep first, but it was quiet.
It was about one thirty in the morning when the rest of the group came home. They saw the little group snuggled on the couch. Penny pulled out her phone a snapped a picture of the cute scene, waking baby Perrin. A loud cry bellowed throughout the room.
"Which one is it?" Bernie began to cry.
"I don't know," Howard mumbled sleepily.
"Hey, hey, it's ok we're home," Amy patted Bernadette and taking Perrin.
"How'd it go?" Raj asked, smiling at his friend.
"Awful!" Bernadette looked on horrified, "Peter had nightmares. Ravali wouldn't stop crying. Sheldon's log was ridiculous as is everything I had to do before bed. I sang soft kitty forty seven times. Aadi and Lukesh threw up. Oh and Lanie is lactose intolerant. And I let them watch TV so they would stop crying. I'm the worst babysitter ever!"
"Oh, sweetie," Penny hugged her friend, "It's ok, there was a lot to do. You can go home now!"
"Ok, come on Howie…Howie…Howard," poor Howard was curled up on the couch completely passed out, "Howie, let's go home."
"Ok, I'll…drive…" He trailed back off into sleep.
"Leonard, drive them home," Penny giggled as she grabbed both of her children.
"Bernadette," Sheldon began, "You didn't fill out the long correctly. I'm going to ask you to fill it out now before you forget all of what they did."
Bernadette turned to look at her friend with crazed eyes, "Sheldon, I've dealt with poop, pee, vomit, tears and pure insanity tonight!" her already high pitched voice became even higher, "Do you think with that commotion I would remember to fill out The Cooper twins eat, sleep, poop, and genius book."
"Well, yes…" he shook his head in exasperation
"Do you want a dead baby Sheldon?" she tilted her head.
"What?" the genius looked at her perplexed.
"Do you want my baby to die," Bernie's voice rose another octave, with a twitch in her eye.
"No…" Sheldon looked at his friend's odd tone.
"Cause I think you do Sheldon, I think you do. With all the stress I was under do you really think I had time to fill out your STUPID BABY LOG!" she screamed, charging towards him
"Take her home Leonard, take her home!" Penny nodded as he pushed Bernie out the door, followed by a groggy Howard.
The ride back to Howard and Bernadette's apartment was a silent, Howard was still passed out in the back seat. Raj followed behind in Howard's car. About half way through the ride Bernadette began to squirm in her seat. Suddenly her hand moved to her belly as a panicked look spread across her face.
"You ok?" Leonard glanced towards her.
"I…I think I just had a contraction. Oh my Gosh Leonard, am I in labor?" Bernadette sat up in her seat, an anxiety attack settling in.
"Hey, hey," Leonard placed a hand on her arm, "You're fine. You're probably having Braxton Hicks contractions!"
"What are those?" Bernie looked to her friend for help.
"False labor contractions, Penny had them with Peter. It's completely normal. Here, I'll help you time them just to be safe," Leonard spoke calmly.
"I think they stopped," Bernadette sighed leaning in against the leather, "You are so calm about this, I don't know how Howard is going to handle it when the labor actually happens, or if he'll even be here when it does start. Then when we have to bring it home, I don't know what I'm going to do when the baby's born. I clearly failed tonight."
"Bernadette," Leonard sighed, "You did not fail! You and Howard were watching seven children, three of which who got sick, one with reoccurring night terrors, another who has separation and anxiety, and two who are tiny itty bitty Sheldon's. No one could survive that unscathed. When you guys have your baby, it'll be little pieces of both you and Howard, and you're going to be your own child's experts and understand him or her one hundred percent. Then we can all baby sit and struggle to figure out what the little Wolowitz needs, just like you guys did tonight."
"Leonard," Bernadette began, "That was beautiful, and where did you learn that?"
"Well, I just did everything the opposite way my mother did it, and then applied my own theory," He chuckled.
"Maybe you should be the one with a book on children!" she giggled too, "Thank you."
"No, thank you. Oh and by the way, I got tenure," Leonard smiled.
A/N: Ok so Bernadette's crazy scene is based off of a moment my mother had when she was pregnant with me, she was yelling at a woman named Mary Jane, who unfortunately was on the other end of the phone call when my mother found out her sonograms would not be cover by insurance. In our family we fondly call it 'Mary Jane'ing someone, so no I'm not morbid or messed up its just supposed to be humorous, funny, and of course a bit crazy.