Things I Never Said

Notes: Fic number eleven! Only one more to go.
- During a snowstorm, Ian and Mickey recall the obstacles of their tumultuous relationship. tw mentions of physical/sexual abuse.

Title and story inspired by the song Frostbite Year by Wrongchilde. It's lovely and tragic. And it's on Spotify and iTunes so you can listen to it there. :)

Rather pull all my teeth, rather have some weird disease
Rather lose both my arms to get you sleeping next to me
How can I get out of the bed
When all I see and hear is all the things that I never said to you
How can I get out of the bed
When all I see and hear is all the things that I never gave to you

Mickey woke up with a pounding headache, alone. He had a headache because he'd tried to drown his loneliness with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He was alone because Ian left. Not permanently, or anything, he hoped. But the redhead somehow got the dumbass idea that he should move back in with his siblings for a while. The decision had resulted in a heated argument and many unanswered questions.

It's been months since Ian returned from his hospitalization, and just as long since he had either a manic or depressive episode. He was on his meds, going on runs with Fiona, helping with Yevgeny, doing everything he should be to stay healthy. He and Mickey even got past Ian's brief case of infidelity. Mickey thought things were more or less returning to normal, that he was finally seeing the old Ian resurface. It seems he was wrong.

Mickey ran a hand through his dark hair as he sat up in his bed. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a pile of Ian's clothes on the floor. He got out of bed and picked up one of the shirts, a green tank top. It was the same one Ian wore when Mickey found Ian at The Fairy Tale, strung out and unconscious on the snowy pavement. Mickey brought the shirt up to his face and inhaled deeply. He closed his eyes as Ian's aroma filled his nostrils. Shit, it had barely even been one day and Mickey already missed that stupid ginger.

He was so fucked up on Ian Gallagher.

Looking around the room, Mickey grabbed a trash bag and angrily chucked Ian's clothes into it. He got dressed and headed to the kitchen, carrying the bag with him. He spotted Mandy at the table eating breakfast, drinking her coffee.

"'Morning," his sister greeted.

"Any more?" Mickey asked, gesturing to her plate. He really need to eat something to get rid of his killer hangover.

"Yeah," she answered, nodding to the stove.

Mickey poured himself a cup of black coffee, fixed himself a plate of eggs and sausage, took some aspirin, and joined his sister at the table. They ate together in silence until they both finished their breakfast. Mickey could feel his headache decrease and he hoped Mandy had enough sense to keep her mouth shut about Ian. Of course, that didn't happen. Mandy eyed the bag of clothing at Mickey's feet suspiciously. She sighed and finished her coffee before speaking.

"He's gonna come back, Mick."

"Whatever," he replied as he placed his plate and cup in the sink. He picked up Ian's clothes and headed towards the front door.

"It's snowing. Maybe drop off the rest of his stuff some other time," Mandy advised.

Mickey didn't answer and walked out.

"Or not."

Ian woke up with a pounding headache, alone. He had a headache because despite being on medication something awful was still gnawing at him. He was alone because his siblings were out, busy living their own lives. And Mickey… well Mickey was back home. Home. Home isn't a place, it's a state of mind. Isn't that what people say? Ian wondered when his home became a person and not an actual house. He sat up in his bed and huffed out a deep sigh. There was a sudden knock at the door and he silently prayed it wasn't Mickey.

Of course it was Mickey. Ian remained silent after he opened the door.

"You gonna let me in or what?" Mickey asked when the redhead just stood in the doorway looking like a deer in headlights.

Ian probably would have turned him away but the snow was really coming down and he thought maybe his boyfriend had been emotionally kicked enough as he was. Were they still boyfriends, Ian wondered. He sighed again.

"Yeah, ok," Ian replied, stepping aside.

"Brought more of your shit," Mickey said, tossing the bag on the couch.

"You didn't have to. This is temporary, remember?"

"Whatever, I'm outta here."

"Mickey, wait."

Ian grabbed for Mickey's wrist as he was walking towards the door but dropped it as the lights went out. Luckily, the day had just started so there was light out but the flurry of snow definitely made the house darker than usual.

"Shit," Ian cursed.

Mickey tried the door but it was jammed. "Fuck."

"Wouldn't try going out in that even if you could get the door open," Ian commented, nodding at the heavy snowfall they saw through the window. "Hope everyone's ok."

Ian and Mickey both immediately got on their phones, making sure their families were safe, wherever they were.

"Fiona, Carl, and Liam are with Vee and the twins. Debbie's at Sheila's. Lip's at his dorm. Frank's probably at The Alibi, or dead. Can't say I give a shit either way."

"I didn't ask," Mickey replied.

"What about you? Everyone ok?"

Mickey sighed before responding. "Mandy and Iggy are at the house with Yev. Svetlana and Kev are with the girls at the rub 'n' tug."

"Good, so everyone's safe."

"I guess."

"Mickey…"

"Don't start, Gallagher," Mickey cut off.

"I just feel like I haven't had the chance to explain."

"Oh no, I get it," Mickey began, anger quickly rising in his voice. "After all the shit we had to crawl through, you're just gonna fucking bail!"

"What? No! That's not it!" Ian yelled back.

"Then what?"

"Mick… this thing with me. My disorder, that's forever."

"Yea, so?"

Ian eyed Mickey carefully, not saying a word.

"What, you think I can't fucking deal?!" Mickey yelled, offended at the very notion Ian thought he couldn't handle Ian's bipolar disorder.

"No! That's just it! I don't want you to have to deal!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I… I don't want you to feel like you're obligated to take care of me," Ian started. "You didn't sign up for any of this."

"Neither did you, asshole!"

"You don't understand," Ian said, looking down at his feet.

"No, I do now," Mickey replied. "You think you're doing me a fucking favor by leaving. Well, fuck you, Ian. Fuck you!"

Ian looked up at Mickey, his face set with determination and tears daring to fall from his deep blue eyes. Ian thinks how he's never seen Mickey so strong yet vulnerable at the same time.

"I got shot fuckin' twice for you! And let's not forget one of those times was in the ass! And after…" Mickey's voice broke for a moment, "after what my dad did to you, to me. You still came back, even after I beat the shit outta you, even after I had to get married to Svetlana. You still came back. You always came back. After I found you lying on the side of the road. After each time I got out of juvie. Fuck, I remember staying out of as many fights as I could just to get out early so I could come see your stupid ginger ass."

Ian was at a loss for words. Mickey never spoke of their past. Hell, Mickey never spoke about anything. But now, here he was, retelling their fucked up history, making Ian relive everything with him. Not that any of it was particularly easy to forget. Ian remembered everything. He remembered when Mickey threatened to kill Frank when he walked in on him and Mickey at the store. The first time Mickey was shot, because Kash caught them too. The second time he was shot, moments after sharing their first kiss, days later being forced to watch Mickey's rape when Terry found them fucking on the couch.

And when Mickey found him at the club he was working, Ian didn't want to believe it was really him, because he was so fucked up on Mickey Milkovich.

"I came out to the entire goddamn town," Mickey began again. "In front of everyone, in front of Terry, where he proceeded to beat the shit out of us, again, along with his buddies, until we were literally covered in blood from head to toe." Mickey gulped, somehow managing to keep his tears at bay. "You think I'd do all that shit if I didn't…"

Ian's eyes widen when Mickey paused.

"If I didn't love you. Because I do. I love you so fucking much, Ian. So, fuck you for thinking I didn't sign up for this. I already did."

Ian couldn't close the distance between their lips fast enough. He never knew when he or Mickey would finally declare their love and he never would have believed Mickey would be the first to do it. Ian tugged Mickey by his shirt, crashing their lips together fiercely. Mickey didn't fight back. Instead, he roughly grabbed Ian by the back of his neck, desperately trying to pull him closer.

They discarded their clothing just as quickly, making their way to the couch, but Mickey pushed Ian onto the armchair, straddling the redhead's waist. Ian sucked eagerly on Mickey's neck, leaving a dark hickey. His hands found Mickey's hips and began rocking them back and forth, rubbing their erections together. Mickey couldn't take much more teasing and lifted his hips up, reaching down with a hand to guide Ian's dick inside him. He gasped, mouth slightly hung open as he and Ian both winced at the dry entry, foreheads pressed together and eyes shut tightly.

"Oh, fuck, Mickey… you're so tight."

"Happens when we don't prep," Mickey rasped.

"Well, we have to stop doing that immediately."

Mickey chuckled and Ian swore he could feel that laugh travel through Mickey, his oversensitive cock picking up on the slightest vibrations. He placed a gentle but firm kiss on his lover's lips. Pulling away, he gazed into Mickey's blue orbs.

"Move," Ian instructed, "now."

Mickey did as he was told and began riding Ian at a steady pace. The feeling was strange at first since they hadn't used any lube, but it wasn't long before he could feel the slick of Ian's precum dripping inside him. That just made Mickey ride Ian faster, harder. Ian's hands tightly held onto Mickey's hips as he started fucking up into Mickey, meeting each of his thrusts. His mouth latched onto Mickey's neck again, marking him up even more. Ian was close and he could tell Mickey was too if the moans were any indication. He stood up abruptly, holding Mickey by his thighs.

"Fuck," Mickey gasped as he instinctively wrapped his legs around Ian's waist and his arms around his neck so that he didn't fall.

Ian maneuvered them onto the floor between the couch and coffee table, all the while staying completely inside his partner. He hovered over Mickey briefly, staring into those magnificent blue eyes before pounding into him, hitting Mickey's prostate. Mickey clutched at Ian's shoulders as his orgasm neared closer and closer.

"Please, Ian…" Mickey quietly pleaded.

Ian nodded, understanding exactly what Mickey wanted. He reached for Mickey's neglected cock and started pumping him in time with his thrusts. It only took a few strokes for Mickey to come hard in Ian's hand, groaning loudly in the process. Ian covered Mickey's mouth with his as his own release followed.

"I love you too, Mickey," he gasped. "Fuck, I love you so much."

Mickey pulled Ian into a deep, passionate kiss as they came down from their high. Ian lazily pulled out of his boyfriend, making Mickey whimper into the kiss. He slumped down next to Mickey, both enjoying a few moments of content silence.

"You're not leaving," Mickey said at length. "Not even for a while. I want you with me, Ian. I want you to come home."

Ian couldn't help but grin to himself. "It's only been like, a day, Mick."

"I'm serious."

"I know," Ian conceded. "Guess you brought my clothes for nothing."

"I wouldn't say that," Mickey replied with a sly grin and an arched eyebrow.

Ian smiled back. "Hey," Ian began, furrowing his brow. "I thought they let you out of juvie early for overcrowding?"

"What?"

"That's what you said back then. But just now you said it was because you stayed out of trouble so you could come see me."

Mickey's face flushed a bright shade of pink. "Did I?"

Ian grinned wider. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone how you've been in love with me the whole time we were fucking."

Mickey rolled his eyes at the redhead.

"Alright, better start packing."

Mickey nodded and sat up, hissing at the sting he felt.

"Everything ok?" Ian asked, sitting up next to Mickey.

Mickey reached behind himself and rubbed a hand delicately on his rear. He winced at the pain. "Fuck, I think I got rug burn on my ass."

Ian looked down where Mickey's hand was rubbing and couldn't hold back his laughter when he saw a red glow. "Shit, you do."

"You fuckin' suck," Mickey remarked. He smiled suddenly when he saw red bruises on Ian's knees though and proceeded to flick a finger on one.

Ian yelped in surprise. "Shit!"

Mickey quickly stood up, grabbed for his boxers and ran upstairs before his boyfriend had the chance to retaliate. Ian immediately chased after him. They went straight for round two in Ian's old bedroom before they got any packing done.

Notes: I broke my own rule about writing only Christmas fics for this series. Oh, well. Takes place during winter, close enough. Hope you liked it. :)