Chapter Six - No Regrets

"I am the ocean, I am the sea

There is a world inside of me

Lost in the abyss, drowned in the deep

No set of lungs could salvage me" - Crucify Me, Bring Me The Horizon

I wake up with a startled jump, reaching out instinctively for a weapon. I try to contemplate my surroundings when I shake my head, attempting to get my brain out of the arena. I'm safe, in the Capitol, with no teenagers preparing to kill me. I see Finnick still lying on the bed and I run my shaky hands through hair.

I rush into the bathroom and look in the mirror. My eyes have a hunted look. My face is hollow and gaunt and it almost lifeless. I feel anger build up inside me as I look at the monster before me. I killed people. I KILLED people. I screech in fury as my fist connects into the reflective glass before me. My image shatters, falling to the floor.

I stare at the glass beneath my feet, watching as the blood from my clenched knuckles drips down rhythmically down, staining it. Finnick rushes in and looks at the scenario before him for a second. I spin around to face him. I feel the rage in my stomach dissolve as it is replaced by fear. I start sobbing my eyes out and fall to the ground myself, curling up in a tiny ball.

Finnick kneels down, cautious of the glass as he pulls me into a heartfelt hug. I hug him back, not wanting to let go. I feel his soft warm breath on my neck and squeeze my eyes shut, pretending for a second that everything is fine. I'm not a killer. I'm back at District 4. I wasn't reaped.

I pull away from the hug, cautiously standing up. I begin rinsing my hand in the cool water from the taps. It stings, but it felt good to let my anger out. Finnick opens a cabinet to reveal first-aid products. He wraps a bandage around my knuckles and I attempt to give him a thankful smile. I look down at the floor, catching my eye in a shard of the mirror. I look so dull, so emotionless, so uncaring of everything around me.

I know people will judge me, they will fear me, but they won't realise the regret it causes deep down inside. They will never know, unless they have to kill people who haven't lived a proper life, people who are still young, too young to die. People these days just judge books by their covers. They don't bother reading the content. Only other Victors truly understand. I have only been back for a few days and I feel a million years older. I hate it.

Finnick snaps his fingers in front of my face, causing me to jump slightly. "I know you think you have a beautiful reflection, as I can see from you staring in that piece of mirror there, but you should stare at me instead. I'm a lot easier on the eye," He grins. That really does provoke a real smile from me and he lights up, obviously pleased. He stares at me for a while and I see his cheeks tinted slightly red. I feel my stomach do a triple front flip as he takes a step towards me. He wraps his arms around my waist when Anja bursts in through the door.

Finnick quickly picked me up slightly then put me down, as if he had just helped me up. "Hey Anja, I was just helping Rae get up. She slipped on the wet floor and caught the mirror," He says calmly and convincingly, as I duck my head down. He lets go of my waist and we exchange brief eye contact. I see him go redder as he says, "Are you ok now?" I hesitate for a second then nod slowly before he leaves the room.

Anja seems unaffected by the strange situation she just witnessed as she tells me, "You need to be up and ready for your new team in five minutes." She goes out, eyeing the floor. I meander into my room and take off my pyjamas. I throw on a simple robe, knowing I will have to take it off the moment my prep team enters. I suddenly think about what Anja said. NEW team? Why would I need a new one? My eyes widen in fear. What if something has happened to Tigress.

I start panicking, feeling the tears pricking up in my eyes but I quickly brush them away with my hand. I need to look presentable for the strangers who will be running the same routine as my previous prep team did. I hear a timid knock on my door before three brightly coloured people rush in, gawping over me. They take me to a different floor where I am greeted by a room with a long white table on it. It is almost exactly the same as the previous one, expect it has different decorations.

They go through my usual beauty routine, ignoring me completely. I'm fine with that. They leave, after telling me that my mysterious new stylist will be a bit late. I sit on the table, whistling nervously to myself when the door opens. A bright pink man walks in. His hair is pink. His clothes are pink. Even his Goddamn skin is tinted pink. "Hello, I am Roberto, your new stylist," He says in an extremely high voice. He has a slight lisp and I try not to burst out laughing. This man is going to get on my nerves a lot. He inspects me then throws a pink fluffy dress.

This is not going to do. I laugh, loudly. "Pink? This is not happening," I giggle. He throws his arms in the air and gasps, "But pink is the best colour ever created!" I cross my arms and lower my voice. "This is not happening," I growl at him. He gulps slightly and goes across to a wardrobe in the wall. I guess a good thing about being a Victor is getting what I want. These people fear me, however much of a celebrity I am to them. I am a threat to their lives.

He pushes a dark blue dress into my arms and I accept it graciously. I slip it on and he wheels a mirror towards me. "No mirrors!" I shout at him. He stammers out, "B-but, you need to see if you like i-it." I take a slow step towards him, staring directly into his eyes. He looks towards the door, ready to dart. "No. Mirrors," I snarl at him. He opens his mouth but closes it again. "O-o-ok," he whispers. I let my stiff posture relax as he breathes out slowly, trembling slightly.

I harden my face before leaving the room. "Nice show," a familiar voice says, and I can hear the smile in his voice alone. "Hello Mr Odair," I mutter. I turn and look at him. "Everything alright?" He lowers his voice to a whisper. I nod my head curtly and he sighs, "You have to go to the interview now, good luck." He starts walking away and I shout, "Oi, you ugly fuck, come back here!"

He stops in his tracks and spins around. "So I'm the ugly fuck now? I thought that was your job," He smirks. "Shut up, how the hell do I even get to the damned stage from here?" I say to him. "You didn't even want to talk to me? You just wanted to ask me directions? I'm heartbroken," He said, making a sad face. "Shut up," I groan. "Most girls adore me, why are you so cold?" He asks, still joking but I feel rage inside me. "Why the fuck do you think?" I hiss at him, my eyes narrowing. He takes a step back. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'll take you to Caesar," He apologises. He offers his arms and I link mine around it, accepting his apology.

I know that I'm being so bi-polar and most people would just sneer and blame me being on my period or something, but it's nothing like that. Its trauma, I fucking killed people. And Finnick understands. He's been through it all, and he learned to mask it. All these pent-up emotions, it's enough to drive anyone crazy, enough to induce strange mood-swings and a lack of humour.

We arrive at the stage, where Caesar sees me and starts up the show, introducing himself to the audience before calling me on. I detach myself from Finnick and go up, refusing to look at the crowd. I don't have to play them anymore. I've won the Hunger Games. I don't have to act like I love them. Caesar shakes my hand and sits down on his seat. I perch nervously at the edge of mine. "Hello Rae, now the last time we saw you, you were about to go into a fight to the death, and now you are here again as the winner!" He exclaims and the audience all cheer and chant my name and call out how much they love me.

What a great tactic, forgetting to mention the fact that 23 others are dead. Dead. I nod bluntly, not making any attempt to reply. The whole interview goes on like this. Caesar asks me questions, and I shrug, nod my head, shake my head, or mutter a few words. Everybody will just pass it off as shock from winning, that I am not capable of conversing due to my poor precious delicate brain being exposed a bit too much.

"Now, at the end of the Games, you and the last contestant had a very odd conversation, am I right? What was the point of this conversation, and looking back, wouldn't you rather have had a fight to the death to show more pride to your district?" Caesar asks. I am shocked at how direct his question was. I see a flash of panic in his eyes and I frown. He was obviously fed that question through his earpiece or something.

Instead of giving a non-committal answer like usual, I clear my throat, and stand up, addressing the audience for the first time. "If you want to know why I did this, then you obviously have no humanity. I didn't want to fight him, knowing that I could have taken another life. I may look like a ruthless killer, but inside I have feelings, and I hate deaths. It was our own way of showing that we didn't have to battle, that we were united even though we were supposed to be enemies. I guess we expected people to learn a lesson from this. We don't have to slay, we can go by our own rules if we want, and that's what I did, and if I do go back, I will make exactly the same decision." I say slowly, my voice rising in anger by the time I finish.

Everybody is completely silent. I sit back down and Caesar stammers out another question, which I ignore. The crowd relax again and start making their usual noise but I can hear a few comments of agreement to my speech. When the interview finishes I go off stage after being cheered off by the audience. I am taken to a chair where I am told to sit. President Snow walks up to me, a crown in his fingers. He places it gently on my head, refusing to make any eye contact with me. The crowd scream my name again and I ignore them.

"What were you thinking?" Anja screams at me as we board the train. After the ceremony, we packed up to go back to District 4. I shrug and go to my room. Finnick comes in and sits on the bed opposite me. His eyes are gleaming with mischief. "That was awesome," He tells me. "Well of course, I said it," I scoff but inside I feel light and happy. I smile at him and he blushes. I smile even more and it turns into a smirk.

"What?" He asks. "I just never knew you could blush," I laugh as he blushes more. "Shut up," He groans but I see that he is just messing around. "Well it's not like you're not blushing," He says, and it's his turn to smirk now. I feel a wave of weariness come over me as I yawn. "Do you want to go to sleep?" He asks gently and I nod. He starts getting up to leave when I whisper, "Can you stay?" He looks at me for a second then replies with a simple, "Sure." We get in the bed next to each other and I rest my head on his chest. "Night Rae," He says. "Night Finnick," I smile before falling asleep almost instantly.

I wake up suddenly in a sweat, my eyes shooting open. I jump out of the bed and Finnick wakes up. "What's wrong Rae?" He asks immediately, concerned. "J-just a bad dream I think," I reply quietly, still feeling my heart hammering beneath my chest. "Do you remember what happened?" He enquires and I shake my head. "I just woke up feeling terrified," I tell him. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the blank wall in front of me. I glance at the clock above the door. It is quarter past 6 in the morning.

Finnick comes and sits next to me. "Will you be able to get back to sleep?" He says, putting his arm around my shoulders. I hesitate, before shaking my head again. I lean into him and rest my head next to his. I feel myself starting to shake and before I can do anything, I'm bawling my eyes out again. How many mental breakdowns am I going to have before I go crazy?

That's when I see someone in front of me. Maybe I am crazy. My vision goes fuzzy as I faint, after looking into the cold unforgiving eyes of Benjamin.

"Rae?" I hear a voice say. I open my eyes groggily, looking into the face of Anja. "She's awake!" She calls out. "Rae are you ok? You just randomly fainted," Finnick tells me, looking tired and scared. "I felt really sick, I must have, uh, passed out from it or something," I lie half-heartedly. "Ok, well get better soon then," Anja replies sympathetically. Finnick looks out of the window as the sea comes into view. "Nearly here," He comments thoughtfully.

I clamber off the sofa which I was obviously carried onto and stand next to him. I stare out into the wide waters and feel my stomach flip over. I've missed the ocean so much. "The moment I get home, I'm going for a swim," I grin. "Well first you need your ceremony, you have to meet your family, you have to move into the Victors Village, and then you can swim in the ocean," Finnick says playfully to me.

"What? Are we going to be neighbours?" I ask suddenly. "Yep, and I might even go on that swim with you," He waggles his eyebrows flirtatiously and I roll my eyes and gently slap his arm.

We pull into the station and I see a crowd of people gathered around the train. The doors open and I look out across to my family. They all smile at me with tears in their eyes but one of them turns away from me, hatred and anger in their eyes. Lola.

This was an extra chapter for you guys, to say sorry for not updating in absolutely ages. I'm sorry if it is shorter than the rest, I didn't have as much time. I will be going over errors later so don't worry if there are any. As usual, thanks for the support and the next chapter should be here in a week or so. Peace.

PS: I posted this chapter yesterday but I decided I didn't like it and changed it, however there still may be a few mistakes which will be corrected at a later date, I promise. Please don't be confused if you read the previous version of the chapter, this is the new one and the official one. Sorry for that mess-up, it won't happen again