Chapter Seven - Home

"I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special" Creep, Radiohead

After all the celebrations from earlier all I want to do is curl up in a ball and fall asleep. I had two interviews with stuck up people from my District and I had to watch as the bloodthirsty citizens cheered and the others watched me in fear and uncertainty. Throughout the whole time, I felt sadness and pain in the pit of my stomach from Lola turning away from me. Being nervous about meeting her is a complete understatement.

When I am finally able to go to my small home I breathe out a sigh of relief. Tears appear in my eyes when I walk through the cramped rooms. It feels like a completely different place now. I almost feel like I'm an intruder from spending so much time in the arena and the Capitol.

"I don't belong here anymore," I whisper to myself, my eyes overflowing. The door unlocks and my instant reflex is to grab my father's axe and ready myself for battle. My family rush in and my muscles relax. The axe drops to the floor and I let out a loud sob.

I am immediately enveloped in a familiar hug and I smell the faint perfume of my mother. Everyone else hugs me all at once and it's like a huge group hug filled with longing and happiness. Lola is still standing awkwardly by the door and I wrinkle my face in confusion. Her elder sister who nearly died has just come home, so why is she disregarding me?

I ignore the depression that overtakes my body for a second and push it down. I am finally back home, I should be content and joyful that I am in no more danger for the rest of my life. But a tiny part in the back of my mind is telling me otherwise.

Two weeks later

I walk down the gradually sloping street, which my new home resides on. Every Victor moves to the Victor's Village, which has expensive fancy houses set up with electricity, plumbing, a phone-line, the lot. And my family and I get it all for free. I guess murdering people is a good way to get a free home.

I unfold the crumpled note in my pocket and reread it to check I'm going to the right place.

Meet me under the pier nearest fishing shop at 8am
-F

I keep going forwards, trying to remember the way to the shop. I never liked that place, it always stinks of rotten fish and mould. I heard the crunch of gravel behind me and I'm suddenly back in the arena, my body instantly going into a defensive position. I slip the knife out from the small pouch wrapped around my waist and spin around, preparing to fight. I see Randy standing there, a shocked look on his face.

I immediately drop the dagger and gasp, "Randy don't scare me like that! You know what I'm like!"

He mumbles an apology and I let out a shaky breath. I detest what the Hunger Games has done to me causing to almost attack my own family countless times. "Where are you going?" He asks curiously, still vaguely pale-faced from earlier.

"Pier," I answer, my voice tense.

"Ok, I was just wondering because its quite early to be going out," he replies sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. I give him a forced smile and turn back, resuming my walk to the pier, after picking up my trusty knife. I am on the edge the entire time to see Finnick, freezing up whenever I hear the slightest noise.

I get onto a busier road which has some fishermen and early bird shoppers walking down it. They recognise me, obviously, and I get a smile or two. I eventually get to the pier however I can't see Finnick.

A smirk forms on my face and I lie on my stomach and lean over the edge, peering under.

"Hey Finnick," I grin cheekily and he turns around and bursts out laughing, most like at the sight of my long auburn hair hanging down. Suddenly all the tension from earlier with Randy just melts away.

"Hello Rae," he answers with a smile. I grab the edge of the pier and flip over so my feet are on the sand.

"Why the hell did you give me a note? You could have just got me," I comment.

"I put the note there at 5 in the morning, I couldn't sleep and I was pretty sure that you wouldn't have been happy if I woke you up," he admits.

I laugh slightly. "Who said I was asleep?" I question, the smirk plastered on my face again. I know he will see the pain of nightmares in my eyes, I know that he'll see past my fake happy layer, he always does.

He gives me an understanding smile and hugs me lightly. "So what did you want to talk about?" I ask seriously. His expression hardens and his face goes distant, like he is trying to escape what he is going to tell me. I touch his arm gently and give him a reassuring smile. He takes a deep breath.

"Have you ever heard rumours of me being a Courtesan?" He says and my face falls. I nod sadly, knowing that his tone means they are true.

"Well I am one, and the Capitol forces it upon many Victors once they are 16 and older," he continues, his voice getting duller with every syllable. I know whats happening, I know what he's getting to and I know that I won't be able to handle his next words.

"And the way the men were looking at you.." Finnick puts his head in his hands, unable to continue. So I finish for him.

"Snow will want me to be one," I say softly, my brain overloading with the knowledge that I will be having sex with men for their pleasure and money, and that I won't have any choice. I have to mentally prepare myself.

"What's it like?" I ask, fear evident in my shaky high-pitched voice.

"Its different with women Rae, I see some of the female Courtesans and they are bruised and broken and dull, they are abused and tortured by their clients," he whispers angrily, angry at the Capitol for forcing this low life on people who are told they are free from it all. I freeze up, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to believe it.

"I'm boiling, do you want to go in the sea?" I ask and Finnick's face brightens up, beaming at me. I think he's glad of the change of topic.

District 4 is very warm and tropical most of the year round and the sea is generally a good temperate to swim in. I pull off my short and dive off the edge of the pier in my bra and shorts. Finnick pulls off his own shirt and does a backflip in next to me.

"Show off," I snigger, splashing water at him. His eyes twinkle mischievously and he dunks my head underwater. I remember the first time we went swimming together and all I could do was stare at his chest.

I try not to gape at him as he takes off his shirt but I do anyway. He smirks at me and I stick my tongue out at him. It's not my fault that I'm a teenage girl with out of control hormones. I have a sudden urge to kiss his face off but I manage to convince my name that it's not the greatest idea at the moment.

"I know I'm the sexiest thing you've ever seen, but you don't have to make such a point about it," he grins and I punch his perfectly muscles stomach. Maybe that was just an excuse to touch it. Hey don't judge, as I said earlier, I'm a hormonal 17 year old girl.

However now I'm pretty used to it after swimming every other day. Swimming is my favourite thing to do, and I'm pretty sure that it is Finnick's as well. I emerge from the water and let out a hearty laugh. I think we're both glad to stop talking about the earlier topic.

I launch myself onto him, knocking him backwards in the water. I go under and look at the underwater ruins below me. There was once a huge city, years and years ago, but a terrible thing called Global Warming happened, causing the sea to rise and flood lots of places in the world. Sometimes I like to imagine cars going through the now broken roads, people living in the now dark empty buildings, before the wars, before the Capitol took over, before the devastation of the planet, the planet that I will never discover.

Finnick snaps me out of my trance by pulling me up to fresh air. "I thought you were drowning!" he exclaims, fear evident in his eyes.

"Sorry, I was thinking about that city again," I murmur, still deep in thought. Finnick sighs miserably; he has similar thoughts to mine about that place. I often want to explore it for anything to tell me about previous generations that haven't been tainted and edited by the Capitol, but they had already cleared the whole before the Hunger Games existed.

Finnick and I keep playing in the ocean for hours, escaping from our broken and controlled lives. "What should I do about Lola?" I ask him. I still can't get around her, I don't even know why she is so mad at me, she won't let me ask her. Finnick shrugs, like every time I ask. I say it to him every day, and neither of us knows what to do. My mum says just to wait for her to come around but I know how stubborn Lola is, and there is no way that she will come round within a year. I have to speed the process up but I have no idea how to.

It's like being in the arena has practically erased my knowledge of how to deal with normal people, my brain is muddled all the time, still trying to adjust to the sheer amount of change I have gone through lately. It certainly can't have been good on my health.

"Will I be a mentor next games?" I ask Finnick.

"Yeah, it's generally the latest Victors unless another one volunteers to take their place, but by the time there's a new Victor, the previous mentor, no matter how bloodthirsty, will be pretty sick of it and happy to retire. It may be different in other Districts but it's our unspoken and unwritten terms and conditions. Chris will be glad to stop," Finnick replies.

"So you'll stop next time one of our tributes wins?" I enquire and Finnick drops his head.

"I'm a popular Courtesan, I have to go every year," he sighs and I feel so sorry for him. Then again, if I were a Courtesan, that would most likely be my fate. I'm not boasting in any way, but I know that the men in the Capitol would adore my striking and different looks.

"I'm starving," I comment, trying to change the subject again, and also because I am actually desperate for food. My stomach decides to make a loud rumbling noise and Finnick laughs.

"You certainly are," he grins, all the sadness from earlier gone. It amazes me how he can suddenly act so happy when I know he's feeling quite the opposite. The hurt behind his eyes is always there though, he just uses flirty comments and jokes to cover it up.

I dive back under, going as close as possible to the city but I can't get there. The tallest buildings were destroyed at the top so nobody could reach them. They say its so we don't get stuck and drown but I think they just don't like people going near the old cities. It does amaze me how basic they are compared to the Capitol. I doubt their gadgets were very advanced.

"You zoned out again Rae," Finnick says, studying my face curiously. I realise how absurdly close I am to him, our chests lightly touching. I look into his sea green eyes and smile. My steady breathing hitches as he leans in closer to me. I gently press my lips against his. The first thought that hits me is that he tastes salty. I feel my heart racing, as if it's trying to drill a hole through my ribs. He puts his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. I have to admit, making out with someone in the sea is harder than it looks.

The kiss is slow and soft, unlike the few others I have experienced. I force my thoughts to stop rushing to my head and stop my mind from wandering. All I do is let my mind go blank. Finnick pulls away his warm breath on my face.

He smiles softly at me and I give him a gentle smile back. We stare into each other's eyes and for once Finnick isn't hiding any pain or sadness, he is simply happy. A loud ship horn breaks us from our trance.

"We should get back," I breathe, my heart still hammering inside me. He nods and we both start swimming towards the shore.

When we finally get to the shore we make our way onto the sandy beach. "I'll get us something to eat, you can stay here if you want," Finnick says. I nod my head in reply and smile at him. He returns it with a bright smile of his own.

I look further up the beach and see a group of girls coming towards me. For a second, I don't even recognise them but then I realise that they are my so-called friends who abandoned me when I was reaped.

"Hello Rae," Lorraine, the brunette, says sweetly. I remember her being a total flirt. I narrow my eyes at all of them and notice that they are keeping a slight distance away from me. I scoff. Yeah, because I'm going to suddenly attack a group of teenage idiots. Though the offer is quite tempting.

My mind travels back to the days when I was one of them, and looking back on it, I realise how stupid I was. I only wanted to get accepted into a group so I made friends with a load of morons. I just felt the need to fit in with a popular group. Now that innocent naive Rae is gone, gone with the people I killed in the arena. The Rae I have become is broken and trusts nobody.

I often wish I could go back to the simpler days where having 'cool' friends was my main priority. I snap back into reality to hear the girls whispering to each other.

"See? I told you she's gone nuts."

"She's mental, she's fucked up in the brain."

"Well she always was."

A few snickers ripple across the ground. "What the fuck do you want?" I snap angrily, still unsure of their motives.

"We want to apologise, we want to be friends again, we're sorry for abandoning you," Blaire, the dumb bimbo says, her voice rising up at the end of her sentence.

Liar. "Bullshit," I declare and they all fidget nervously, backing away.

"We just wanted to be friends. We could come round yours, we could gossip about boys, you could introduce us to your new neighbours!" Lorraine exclaims brightly and very over-enthusiastically.

I don't trust them at all. They all smile widely at me, stretching their mouths. "I don't trust you," I hiss.

"Maybe we could meet Finnick!" Blaire giggles uncontrollably, her cheeks flushing.

"What?" I growl.

"Well you could set one of us up with him!" Blaire shrieks. That's when I properly see red.

"Who the fuck do you think I am? Just some girl to use to get into a guys pants? And who the fuck do you think he is? Some prize to be won? You are going to pretend to be nice to the girls thats fucked up in the brain to hook up with someone?!" I scream at them, pure anger coursing through my veins.

Then I see Lia, my ex best friend walk towards me. The girl I trusted my biggest secrets with. And then she speaks. "Well its not like he isn't used to hooking up with people, he's just a cheap whore in the Capitol," she smirks. Apparently she forgot who she was talking to, because the next thing both her and I know, my knife is pressed against her neck.

She started whimpering and pleading and crying. I can practically hear her heartbeat.

"The. Fuck. Did. You. Say?" I growl at her.

"Rae?" I hear Finnick's voice behind me and I relax a bit.

"Yeah?" I call back.

"You shouldn't be threatening citizens with a knife," he points out and I smirk.

"Why not?" I ask, pouting like a toddler. The faces in front of me are priceless. I can tell that they are all staring lustfully at Finnick but also at me in complete horror. It sickens me either way.

"It's not very nice," he replies as he walks next to me, patting my head.

"But I wanna," I whine childishly, ruffling his hair with my free hand.

"Rae," Finnick warns. I pull the knife away from Lia's throat and she falls to the floor, still whimpering and crying.

"What did she do?" he asks.

"Nothing," she squeaks.

"Tell him what you said or I will," I threaten and she shakes her head. "Fine then. Finnick she said that you were a cheap whore who was hooking up with people in the Capitol," I say.

His eyes darken for a second and his jaw clenches. "Well I'm glad you heard before I did, or your friend here would be much more regretful," he says, his voice straining to keep calm. I give him a look to say I'm sorry for saying it myself but he shakes his head as if to say don't worry about it. He glares down at Lia, and I have no idea what he's thinking.

She stands up trembling, and smiles at Finnick. "Hi, I'm Lia," she says flirtatiously and he completely ignores her.

"I got icecream," he says cheerfully and passes one to me.

"Thanks," I beam at him and we walk away, leaving the group of my old friends gaping at my back.

Finnick lets out a long shaky breath. "I'm glad you were there," he says quietly.

"Why?" I ask curiously.

"Because you helped me keep calm. If you weren't there I would have hurt her," he admits, his eyes going to the ground.

"Well I was about to," I tell him.

"Thanks," he smiles slightly.

"For what?"

"For defending me. I may be a total sex-god," he smirks slightly at that comment, "but people aren't too nice about me. Rumours spread like wildfire and I'm pretty much the gem of the Capitol at the moment, so a lot of attention and pressure is on me, which starts up rumours and every move I make is watched by someone and then one word slips and I'm all over the news. So, thanks," he says.

I slip my hand into his. "Well if someone was saying shit about me you would defend me so I will always defend you."

He laughs, "Nah, if someone was saying shit about you I'd join them, I mean, look at you, you scandalous little minx, you're holding hands with some guy on the beach, you're definitely hooking up with him, I'd better tell the newspapers right now!"

I roll my eyes. "Thanks," I say sarcastically as I shove him.

"You're welcome," he grins.

"You know, you're the guy holding my hand," I comment.

"Really?!" He mock gasps. "Well I'm certainly lucky to be hooking up with you," he grins cheekily.

"You're insufferable," I laugh, bumping into him gently.

"I try my best," he winks at me.

I walk into my house, my hand still interlaced with Finnicks. I immediately grab my axe which is next to the door. Finnick glances at me and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Why do you carry an axe around your home?" He questions me. I shrug, not wanting to answer. He sends me a sharp look and I sigh.

"I feel safer with it. I'm always expecting an attack so the axe makes me feel prepared," I tell him wearily.

"You don't walk about this stuff much," he comments.

"So? What do you care?" I snap.

"You just put on a cold front sometimes, thats all," he sighs.

"I don't like talking about nightmares and fear.. I feel like if I don't bring them up or think about them, then I can avoid and ignore them better."

"If you ever want to, I will be here for you," Finnick smiles comfortingly.

"I know that Finnick, and I am so grateful, but I'm not ready to openly talk about it. I-I'm scared to," I whisper, forbidden tears filling my eyes. Finnick hugs me and then I see my mother watching from the kitchen with a goofy grin on her face.

I shove Finnick off me in panic. "Hello mother, how long have you been here?" I say through my clenched teeth. Finnick guffaws and snorts in amusement so I shove him. Hard.

"I'll just be leaving," she smirks, "Oh by the way Rae, your sister is in her room if you want to corner her, but not shouting," she continues before rushing away and covering her mouth to hide her laughter.

"I have to go talk to Lola, sorry Finnick," I sigh sadly.

"I understand, don't worry. And thanks for today, it was fun."

"Yeah it was nice..." I trail off and suddenly get a strange urge inside me.

I drop my axe on the floor and pull Finnick in for a tight embrace in the blink of an eye. I wrap my arms around him and brush my lips against his, before stepping backwards quickly, letting go of him. He stares at me in shock for a second but his eyes are gleaming. "Bye Rae," he grins before leaving.

I turn to see my mum in the kitchen again, her stupid smile even bigger. "I thought you went away," I frown.

"Had to get my book," she laughs and I groan at her before rushing upstairs to find Lola. I throw myself into her room and slam the door behind me. She jumps up from her bed and turns to face me, glaring at me in panic.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she shouts.

"Why are you ignoring me all the time?" I demand.

"Get out!"

"Stop ignoring me!" I raise my voice.

"Leave me alone!"

"Stop ignoring me!"

"Go away!" she screeches back.

"Stop! Ignoring! Me!" My throat hurts from shouting so loudly at her.

"Keep it quiet up there! My mother bellows from downstairs. I stare at Lola, my face bright red, my breathing slightly faster than normal.

AND THEN I CUT OFF HER HEAD

(JK DW omg I'm text speaking in a FanFiction I'm so sorry don't kill me)

I tighten my fingers around my axe and point it towards her. "Talk or I'll take your head off," I threaten and Lola tenses up. She lets out a sigh and drops onto her bed.

"Drop the axe," she frowns at me.

"Why?"

"I don't like it," she scowls.

The axe drops to the floor with a clang which reminds me of earlier with Finnick and I start blushing uncontrollably. Lola raises her eyebrows at me and I look down at the ground, shuffling my feet nervously. "Talk," I order and she sighs again.

"I didn't like seeing you like that.. it, it scared me Rae, watching my role model, my older sister that cheered me up when I was sad the girl who told Jamie stories that made him laugh, the girl that never failed to liven anything up, kill people. It was terrifying Rae, watching you becoming someone else.." she stops talking, tears in her eyes.

I stare at her, my mouth agape in shock. I run over to her and for a second she visibly flinches, however I pull her into a tight hug.

"It scared me too, it still scares me, so so much. I wish I'd never done any of it, I sometimes think it would have been easier if I died, instead of seeing all those people every night when I'm asleep. I didn't even know half their names, but they had family, they had friends, and I destroyed that all, all their hopes and dreams for the future. Imagine if I was in the arena with my closest friends, I wouldn't be able to kill any of them, but I easily killed strangers, and it makes me sick," I blurt out and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

I don't even realise that I am crying until I pull away from the hug and see Lola crying as well. "I'm sorry," I wail sadly.

"Me too," she whispers. I dry my eyes.

"Well that was a good bonding session, let's go get some food, I'm hungry," I laugh and she giggles light-heartedly, her eyes beaming.

I race along the golden sand, my hair dancing in the wind. "I win!" I shout at my sibling and Jamie pouts at me. I bound towards him then grab his arms. "Do you want to play helicopter?" I grin and he giggles excitedly and nods his head.

I hold onto his wrists and spin him around quickly but carefully, before hoisting him up so that his legs are wrapped around me. He leans backwards, his head touching the ground. I let go of him and he does a lopsided backwards roll before standing up.

"I'm diz-dizzy," he chuckles, stumbling around crazily. I smile, watching my brothers and sister playing together happily.

"I want to build a sandcastle!" Lola announces. Jamie throws at spade to her and plonks down to the ground. They start digging up a moat together. "Randy and Rae can get us water for the sand," Lola instructs us, taking over the project completely.

"Aye aye Captain," I salute her before scooping some sand into the bucket. Randy does the same and we walk to the sea.

"I'm glad you won," Randy smiles and I look over to him, cocking my head to the side.

I wish I hadn't. "Me too," I lie. My mind suddenly goes blank then flashes back to the nightmare I have every night since Benjamin got tortured in the arena. It never changes.

I am being chased through the woods when I drop to the ground after tripping up. My attacker is closing in on me. I scream and scream.

I am watching it happen again, the torture that never ends. I see Benjamin on the floor, covered in his blood, enough to fill a lake. The knife enters his throat and he screams more and more, his voice gargled and hoarse, "Rae help me! Rae do something! Rae don't just watch! This is your fault! Rae!" He keeps screeching at me. I know what's going to happen next, I can never help him, I always fail. I make an attempt to save him but my legs are heavy, they won't move. He suddenly stops still and his body decomposes, rotting and sinking into the floor.

His skeleton gets up with a hateful grin. There are bits of flesh hanging off it. He has a bloody knife in his hand. I look at him, ready for whats coming. I can't escape, I can't move. "Your turn Rae," he whispers as he does every night, sliding the knife blade into my throat. The ground starts shaking and the other tributes I murdered appear before me, their skin hanging off their bones. They are laughing and singing, "Your turn, your turn, your turn!"

"Rae! Rae!" Randy calls out to me and I pull myself out of the flashback. He's holding me up, I must have fainted. I drag my feet to a normal position and shakily stand up. I force my breathing to become steady and continue walking as if nothing happened.

I hear a scream behind me and I recognise it as Lola's. I sprint back, my hand going instinctively to my knife. "Why did you scream?" I shout angrily.

"Jamie threw sand in my hair!" she complains.

"What the fuck Lola? You know what screaming does to me! I was terrified! I thought you were being attacked! Don't scream again you fucking idiot!" I yell at her, fury taking me over. They go silent then Jamie bursts into tears,

"I hate this!" I screech into the air before running off. The stones dig into my bare feet but I don't care, I just keep going forwards. I hate myself so much, I never wanted to become like this.

I know exactly where to go.

I bound up to the front door and agitatedly rap my knuckles on it. Finnick opens it and I catapult into his arms.

"Whats wrong?" he asks worriedly.

"I snapped, I just snapped, I scared my siblings and made my little brother cry," I wail.

"Rae, it wasn't your fault," he says gently.

"I had a nightmare last night and I flashbacked to it a minute before I broke down," I admit and he hugs me tighter.

"Nightmares suck."

"They certainly do," I agree.

"Everything will be fine with you and your family Rae, I promise," Finnick tells me, looking deep into my eyes.

I think back to my siblings earlier antics and smile. Maybe I am glad that I came back after all.

End of Chapter 7

Oh my God. That's all I can say. This chapter was over 5000 words! I had terrible writers block, I'm so sorry for not updating but a few days ago I read somewhere that writing with pen and paper helped with writers block and it certainly did! So I spent hours typing it all up on the computer so I could post it. Also this and the next chapter are calm before the storm MUHAHAHA :)

Ok that was strange.

Anyway, I would like to thank everyone for their support and expect more frequent updates now I have a marvellous solution to my crappy writings skills. (It seriously works I suggest you try it)

-Danielle

(By the way, Danielle Thorn is my pen name, I don't like using my real name for stories)